Topic : 04/12 Twin Tug of War

<http://www.children.gov.on.ca/CS/en/programs/Adoption/Publications/privateAdoption.htm>

I am squarely on Allison's side in this nightmare, but I can understand why folks are concerned about the Needhams.  Makes sense.  But I wonder if the concern is improperly placed.  It is assumed they are amazing parents but was there even a homestudy to verify the suitability to parent?  What really I don't understand is the history....and where the Needhams can be okay with the situation. 

What I know: Allison did IVF for three years to conceive the twins, fought for their lives, and had prepared for these children for years.  I have a dear friend who did IVF cycles for a similar time frame, and I did HG with three singletons...put me, my friend, and two babies in a bag, shake, and you've got Allison.

One does not do years of treatment to conceive and place for adoption....IVF is grueling, both physically and emotionally, not to mention expensive.  And there is pain, grief, and loss built in with failed cycles and the loss of embryos.  Women just don't sign up for that to place their children for adoption: it just doesn't happen.

Add HG to the mix and it gets messier.  Allison had severe HG, imo, and she was sick sick sick and unable to stay pregnant without major medical interventions.  She then delivers by c-section (anyone else thinking OUCH), loses so much blood she needs a transfusion, and takes home two babies (hard enough to get some sleep with one). 

Five weeks later, she's held in the attorney's office?  She's not even been into the ob/gyn for her followup appointment for goodness sake.  She's not slept in ages, I would bet...ask any parent with a 5 week old how tired he/she is.  Not only does she have regular postpartum hormone drops and healing, but she's got major surgery healing, blood transfusion healing, and HG depletion to recover from.  Gads!  At five weeks postpartum, one is (sorry if this is too much info) still bleeding and the uterus is still not back to its normal size.  Five weeks postpartum, I was still limping from my vaginal delivery, couldn't stand for long (ouch, yawn), and still wasn't driving.

Allison's physical condition would have been much more serious than my own.  How can anyone imagine that she was able to make major life decisions?  But even more so, how could anyone imagine that after the battle she waged to give life to Holly and Tyler that she would want to (in any way) place them for adoption?

The Needhams HAD to be aware of ALL of this.  They saw her, they knew her, they are related to the ex-bf in question.  They HAD to know how ill she was and how much she needed help.  AND how much she WANTED those children!!!!  Why didn't they help her?  If they loved the babies so much and wanted what's best for them, why didn't they act in the babies' best interest?  Why did the Needhams allow things to proceed to this point?

Seems to me that the general consensus of adopting parents who have posted here is to be concerned about this scenario.  As deeply as most infertile couples wish to raise a child, I know of no prospective adoptive parents who would willingly remove children from a mother who loves them so deeply. So much for the assumption that the Needhams have the children's best interest at heart.  I

t's easy to infer that they are, in fact, not the kinds of people who should be raising Holly and Tyler.  How could they be?  And leaving the children with them a long time does not change this core situation. I have no personal ill-will toward the Needhams and am sure they are suffering greatly at this point, but where were THEIR rational decision making skills when Allison made things so clear to them that SHE was raising her children and NOT giving up the papers.

I'm a single mother of two wonderful boys. I had HG with both of my pregnancies, and I thought about adoption on & off.  My heart goes out to  Allison, not one person other then my doctor understood what I was going through,  some people thought it was a way to get attention.

With my second son, I was still trying to work with HG. 11 weeks into my pregnancy I started to bleed very heavy with blood clots, because of the HG I was too weak to care. A co worker had to take me to ER.  The sad part was that I was happy when I saw the blood clots, because I thought good I'm losing the baby & can go back to a normal life without HG. God had other plans for me. Even with ongoing bleeding & HG when the doctors in ER did an ultrasound I saw my  son of 11 weeks inside of me moving around (what looked like without a care in the world).

My doctor referred me to great doctor, that right away put in the hospital, with iv, & a feeding tube. Once I was discharged (a little under two weeks). I was sent home with the feeding tube, & had weekly visits to doctor (until my due date).

The disability insurance company liberty mutual) I have through my employer, gave me a real hard time. They couldn't understand why I couldn't go to work. They had no idea what HG was, and didn't care to hear with my doctor was telling them. I lost my car, before they even decided to pay me.

To me HG is a disease, that will break down even the strongest woman. Again I love both of my sons, but at that time if lost them during my pregnancy I would have been okay. I also have to add that the only reason I went through my pregnancy with my 2nd son, was because I had an abortion  (because I had HG), & I was traumatize by that abortion.

I even looked called several adoption agencies because I was so unhappy with my pregnancies (I did this with both of my sons). HG mentally ruined me, & if it wasn't for friends stepping in & talking to me on daily bases I know for sure my youngest would have been given up for adoption.

Once I had my youngest son, I went on line on wrote different shows about HG, because I felt so alone. I knew other women had to have HG, and I wanted to know if they felt the way I did. Or was a monster in having an abortion, wanting to miscarry my sons (sadly sometimes praying for it), & yes even wanting to give them up for adoption.

Not one show responded to me, thus making me feel like I was part of a very small percent of women to have experience HG, or maybe mentally I was causing this sickness.

I will write to Allison, and pray for her everyday.

I want to thank Dr. Phil for doing this show. It's just sad something like this had to happen.

P.S

My youngest son is now 6

From the research I have done on adoption in the states, there are different ways to go about it.  Some means of adoption are shadier than others.  When my husband and I were gathering information and speaking with agencies, we found them to be solidly interested in keeping the childrens' best interest at heart.  However, we dealt with agencies highly recommended for their integrity.   We were actually turned down before our processing even began as my husband will be posted overseas soon and their policies specifiy that you must remain in the states during the entire process, which can take a year or more.   However, not all adoption agencies or attornies who specialize in adoption follow the same "rules."  A coworker suggested we do the same as he and his wife, which is to get on a "short list" with a home for unwed mothers.  Thier adoption was very "fast and easy" or "quick and dirty," however you want to look at it.  Private adoption can be riddled with problems, in my humble opinion, and can really facilitate an issue like Allison's occuring.  So, while I love my country with all my heart, I do not believe our adoption laws and policies always consider what is best for the children or the birth parents. 

Your point:  Would you want adoptive parents to be any way but eager to have your children?

I totally agree with you.  If I were placing a child for adoption, my desire would be for the adopting parents to want that child with ALL of their heart. 

I just have such a hard time, a really hard time, bending my mind around their desire for these kids being immediately stronger than Allison's.  They received the children so quickly after the papers were signed, but she also changed her mind very quickly.  Were they not informed that Allison had changed her mind right away by the lawyer she immediately contacted? I thought I heard her new lawyer say that she was in an attorney's office, within 8 hours, seeking help in getting her children back.  (Maybe I'm incorrect.  If so, please do set me straight, I do not want to promulgate misinformation). How was their bond with the children was stronger than Allison's so quickly after receiving the children?  Strong enough to withhold the children?  I wish the prior relationship between all parties involved was more clear.  Do you find the law of no second chances as barbaric as I do?  That is why she must prove duress.  I agree that the courts will have to decide and hope as you do that ALL facts will be uncovered and presented well. 

I also agree that it is possible to have sympathy for both sides.  But, I still shake my head over how much (I just suspect) the custodial/adoptive parents knew about her condition prior to receiving the children.  And, as I said before, if they did know......my sympathy vanishes into thin air and I hold only contempt for them. 

My best to you.

I had an abortion because of HG and it was very traumatic for me too. The exam room where I was prepared for it was next to a pediatric ward. The walls were thin so I could hear children playing... As the lamara tent (that slowly opens up your cervix) was painfully jammed into me, I heard a little girl on the other side of the thin wall crying out for her mother  "mommy... mommy"  ... That little voice still haunts me to this day.

For me, that traumatic experience is one of the strongest reasons that made me fight so hard for better health care during my second pregnancy. Sadly, I had to fight almost every day of my pregnacy ...so not only was I worn out from HG but also from constantly fighting to get prescriptions for Zofran.

You aren't alone. Many HG mothers have gone through this too. The "Loss, Grief & Recovery" thread in the forum at www.helpher.org is a great place to go to share your story and read about the experiences of other women who have also gone through this.  Here is a link to the forum http://forums.helpher.org/