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Topic : 08/20 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace, Part 2

Number of Replies: 723
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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:09:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/16/07) Dr. Phil continues his work with a family torn apart by a 6-year-old girl’s secret: she was molested by her grandfather, and her grandmother failed to report it. Cat and Todd have cut off all contact with Todd’s parents, Steve and Anne, and haven’t seen them since they learned the horrifying truth from their daughter, Grace, over two years ago. Steve has served time for the assault and is now a registered sex offender with a protective order keeping him away from Grace until she’s 18. After secretly watching Dr. Phil’s interview with Steve and Anne, and learning the details of what really took place, will Todd and Cat ever feel comfortable with letting Grace’s grandmother back in her life? Dr. Phil sits down with both couples as they confront each other for the first time face to face. Then, Dr. Phil addresses Cat and Todd’s marriage, which has started to crumble under the stress. How can they get back on track for the sake of their daughter? Next, Grace wants to ask Dr. Phil some questions. See what this brave little girl wants other kids to know. Plus, Dr. Phil has an update on this family one month later. How are they now? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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August 30, 2007, 11:55 am CDT

For wwmercer, Aug20 post

Quote From: wwmercer

I would like to know the quote that Dr. Phil said to the mom.  It went something like this: "If you have to lose yourself to be a couple........."  Could someone email me the rest? I really need to tell my husband this quote.
Thanks

I was impressed with that too! When I heard it I grabbed some paper to scribble out a few of the phrases:

 

 Dr Phil had been asking them some leading questions, to set up making his point -- that children have a very special ability to be able to figure out how everything that goes wrong in the world is their fault. 

 

Cat interrupted Dr. Phil and told him that she felt she had  "to quit being 'who I am' " to be a couple. Dr Phil responded that "that's a bad trade" and mentioned that that's called an "emotional divorce."

 

He said she could resolve these transition issues separate from the issue with Gracie.

 
August 31, 2007, 1:53 pm CDT

Fair enough

Quote From: kathleen27

My children were victims, as such, my reason for research.  I also found research, and more of it, that says exactly what you have posted...and I came to accept it.  Until I went further, and now, I am infuriated that we are not privy to equal time given to both findings.  The research that I had accepted, was the old tried and true, yet the newer research offers hope...and hope does not minimize your pain.  I am sincerely sorry, my efforts are, in no way to undermine your suffering, but to prevent it from affecting others.  I can do nothing to change what happened to my own children. But I do not see swimming in stagnant waters to be of any tribute to them, or to you...to any victim.  If it proves nothing more, then we've lost nothing.  If, however, these men of science have valid alternatives, to not explore further is passive abuse.

The arguments being made are not by me, nor by you.  They are being made by objective professionals, to be passed on to me and to you.  If the professionals differ, as often many do, not only in this field, it is only further proof of the need to do more.  So much of this has been left in the dark ages.  We couldn't talk about this...it wasn't ever a subject on T.V. when I was young. Yet, today, we speak out and encourage others to do the same.  Why forge ahead in one lane, and halt motion on the next?  Both you and I have been hurt by this, but in differnt ways.  Neither of us could sit on a jury in a molestation case.  How could we be truly objective?  I'd like much more from the world of science, and from the mouths of those who CAN be, by far, more objective than myself.  Lets hear both sides.  We've brought this out to raise awareness in hope of prevention....maybe talk is not the only tool...Let's be given a chance to wiegh both theories, something that cannot happen when the funds dry up.

Yes, I can see where you are coming from. But I'll ask this question, would you be willing to sit down and tell the parents of a raped and murdered 5 year old that to want the person who did this to their child  to suffer the harshest punshment allowed by law that they were without understanding and they (I'm going to quote you here)"Do we care about the CHILDREN, or is it our own disgust, repulsion and thirst for blood, that supercedes the innocent being victimized to satisfy our personal feelings?  "  I know, you feel like if the person had gotten treatment he wouldn't have done this horrible crime and to get treatment, research has to be done first, treatment developed and made available. Ah, but first funding. What are you doing about that? Are you arranging fund raisers? Lobbying? Knocking on doors? Having bake sales? Car washes? You certainly seem to have the convictions. Well, if you do start going door to door raising money I suggest you wear a hockey mask, those doors could break your nose when they get slammed in your face. Most people aren't going to buy the mental illness arguement, I'm sorry, that's just the way it is and it's not going to change until scientist can come up with some pretty convincing stuff, so far that hasn't happened or it would have been all over the news. Right now all they have is theory and very  loose science. I'll be watching and hoping because nothing would please me more than to find a cure for this scourge on society.
 
August 31, 2007, 2:49 pm CDT

I'm Glad You Are Hoping...

Quote From: xpoppy62

Yes, I can see where you are coming from. But I'll ask this question, would you be willing to sit down and tell the parents of a raped and murdered 5 year old that to want the person who did this to their child  to suffer the harshest punshment allowed by law that they were without understanding and they (I'm going to quote you here)"Do we care about the CHILDREN, or is it our own disgust, repulsion and thirst for blood, that supercedes the innocent being victimized to satisfy our personal feelings?  "  I know, you feel like if the person had gotten treatment he wouldn't have done this horrible crime and to get treatment, research has to be done first, treatment developed and made available. Ah, but first funding. What are you doing about that? Are you arranging fund raisers? Lobbying? Knocking on doors? Having bake sales? Car washes? You certainly seem to have the convictions. Well, if you do start going door to door raising money I suggest you wear a hockey mask, those doors could break your nose when they get slammed in your face. Most people aren't going to buy the mental illness arguement, I'm sorry, that's just the way it is and it's not going to change until scientist can come up with some pretty convincing stuff, so far that hasn't happened or it would have been all over the news. Right now all they have is theory and very  loose science. I'll be watching and hoping because nothing would please me more than to find a cure for this scourge on society.
Raped AND murdered?  There is no therapy...no turning back.  At the point of murder, mutilliation, it's over.  Too late good-bye.  That's the stage 4 cancer of pedophilia.  My quote, it was meant to re enforce the need to try to find something that will hault the pedophile, before there is a victim.  The thirst for blood was not at all meant for "after the fact".  It was meant for the argument of allowing funds to dry up on research, which many feel has merit, to help the pedophile before the urge becomes an action...a crime...needing a victim...that being a child.  To not allow our own disgust for these feelings to with hold treatment for one who may seek it before acting...and if it helps, then one child is saved.  What am I doing for funding?  Door to door,no it's not in that arena...it's not a candy sale...it is scientific research.  Lobbying...like a jackrabbit!  Writing letters of support to the centers where these scientists have made headway...always! Contacting(and yes getting feedback) from the multiple organizations for child abuse, one being STOP IT NOW, heavily funded by Citibank...for their opinions, and asking them to request funding through their already established contacts...been there done that will continue to do it.  Speaking out at public seminars where I have addressed members of the Senate, representatives from the American Pshychiaric Association...done.  Now I am in the process of contacting these very real people who have names on their papers, asking more about their findings, seeing how it talleys...and yes, enlisting the support of many therapists who can help me sift through the language when it gets too clinical....and they are more than willing to do it.  So, we are on the same page in wanting to find a cure for this scourge on society.  From the theories, and very loose science may come an answer, maybe not, but there is in my opinion, and in that of many professionals, that too much is there already...too much to ignore.  So no, I don't wash cars, no I don't have bake sales, but I don't sit back and stagnate either.  I also have grandchildren, who if this is genetic, may one day be that dirty person who wants to tell a therapist that children turn her on...but can't because the thought is too repulsive to hear.  Though I have never seen them, as it was their father who victimized my younger ones, and my daughter who belived HIM, I most likely never will, I have a future generation of my own blood to consider.  And, the  hopes for some control or cure...if it IS true that they never stop....think I may have very valid reasons for supporting science that will?  I'm NOT GRACE'S GRANDMA, and if what you believe is the factual, sole reality, I'm not O.K. with the status quo, for many reasons...two being quite obvious.
 
August 31, 2007, 5:25 pm CDT

It's about all the Grace's in this world

I finally got to watch this episode of Dr. Phil...my sister's family did not want to watch the show because they have small children and were worried about them seeing the show. I can say now that they should have allowed their children to hear the most perfect advice that can be given to a child... "it's simple, tell"...and they would have listened because it was another child making that statement. My brother-in-law didn't want to watch the show because he felt Dr. Phil was exploting a child by having her on the show. What he doesn't know is the importance for a child to tell their story from their heart!!!!That beautiful child had another adult look at them with true respect and listened to their story!!!!Not only did she receive that gift from Dr. Phil, but he received the gift of meeting a truly incredible fellow human being! I have been given that same gift time and time again. Grace's story is all too common...it's almost as common as the fairy tales parents read every night to their children, who lie in bed wishing they had Hansel and Gretal's problems. Our children need to hear stories that teach them how to truly protect themselves from the harmful adults...yea they don't sound as pleasant but if you can teach your child to tell about their real life than you can help a child stay protected. The grandmother thought ignoring the problem would make it go away. The message she sent to her grand-daughter was silence and unimportance. All parents ignore things from their children, we learned it from our parents and teachers. How many times do you tell your child not to tattle? Instead teach them what "tattling" truly is. Next time you think they are tattling,listen for a little while and then distinguish tattling from reporting. Reporting something to your parents or another adult is about keeping people (children and adults) safe. I praise the father for standing up for his daughter and keeping unsafe people away from his precious gift. I pray that he will remain strong in this belief and that his wife will see that in him first instead of the outward appearance that haunts her. I hope they both allow their daughter to lead them during this difficult time...because like her mother said "it's about Grace".
 
August 31, 2007, 10:05 pm CDT

To x poppy62

I answered your response in haste, I'm sorry not to have been a bit less acidic. Sincerely, I could not ever be a bleeding heart liberal with the murder of anyone, especially not a child.  Sorry if my quote came across as such, but I was only referring to the punishment fitting a crime...but to have the crime, must come a victim.  My statement about caring for children was to stress that it is in their best interest to leave no stone unturned..should these studies prove to be valid ...it would be caring for children in the best way...prevention.  I know that you were a victim, so I can see where some of my opinions may offend you.  Please know my children were, as were you, victimized by pedophilia.  Seven years ago, I was not this person.  STOP IT NOW! was my link to being a more hopeful, less vindictive woman.  But do not think that I didn't walk on a long road of vengeance.  I wished him, his mother, brothers, friends...anyone (except for my daughter) who supported him...DEAD!  I sought justice, and like so many who have posted, it could not hold up in court.  Then I had another place to vent my hatred...the legal system.  I prayed, literally prayed that he would be on the news one night, caught red-handed, and be put away for life, or shot on the court room stairs...either one would have made me happy.  I was clinging to the hope that "they can't stop, they'll do it again"...so that's good, he'll do it again, my children will be validated and I'll get my daughter back.  So, I waited, wanting it to come.  To keep myself busy, and fan the flames, I became very vocal for victims rights...went so far as to take a ride, upon invitation from a State Senator, to Albany where many of us got to speak in closed hearings about extending the statute of limitations in New York to exceed 5 years, part of the reason our case went South. It has been changed, but there are so many components to the new laws, I think it won't be in full force for a while.  But it felt great to be amongst people, like myself , who wanted justice or a long, painful death for the S.O.Bs.  I came then to STOP IT NOW!, through a fundraising event.  They are not pro-pedophile, quite the opposite, but in speaking with some of their professional staff, they are of the opinion that rehabilitation is possible, not all will offend again, and that many long held beliefs were really misconceptions.  Well, here I was, speaking to professionals, treating me with dignity and respect, having nothing but sympathy and hope for my two children, and I'm smiling on the outside, and saying..."you gotta be kidding me...he's got to do it again!"...on the inside. That was only four years ago.  I came home, not full of hope, but despair...what if they are right...he may NOT do this again?  He has to...I read it, everyone knows it, they must be nuts!  So, I sent for their literature, hoping it was some underground organization with no credibility.  It is international and respectably funded...I called to get more info, hoping that the chances of his re-offending were at least 90%.  Each time I called, gathering more, I started to feel sick.  They were making too much sense...you need to speak to them, as I am not  able to go into it enough...it would be a book.  Now, I didn't like them, they took away my perfect ending to this..it had to end the right way...which was, he would do it again and get caught.  Don't ask me when, as it came slowly, but it hit me that I was praying for another child to be raped.  How else would he be caught?  I was rejecting the idea of rehabilitation because it doused MY THIRST FOR BLOOD, yet it offered hope for less victims.  It changed who I had become into more of who I had been, and to who I am today.....a much nicer, more insightful person....that spurred the research, and it really amazed me at how much has been done, and how similar the findings of separate teams, at separate facilities were.  Why these are not made more opened to the public, I can't answer that.  There is enough that it should be, but when you hear of the researches themselves say that they are looked upon as pedophile supporters, not scientists seeking to help the victims, as ALL have stated that their sympathy is with them...yet they do have a desire to help allieviate a mental disorder....that may be a reason.  People like myself, who did not want to hear that there is not this guarentee that one day, they will get the justice they want.  But at whose expense?  And there is your answer as to why I have shifted focus.  I think I got some of my humanity back, and I'm liking myself better.  The hope, I believe is there, and I want to see it explored...and yes, I'm willing to put in the time and the effort.  But please don't lose sight of what I had allowed him to make of me...someone so blind with rage that I couldn't see that I had become like him, but I felt justified.  No one is "justified" to hope and pray for what I had.  I am not proud to be writing this post, but it was as much a part of me, as the ones I have posted after I woke up and saw this screw in the mirror.  Believe me, we can differ, but I cannot be critical...I was becoming as sick as my son-in-law...and so very righteous, as I had a group cheering me on like a cheerleader at a pep ralley.  Can't go back, that's  who I was then.  I am, and will always be, sorry for my  selfishness.  That I had such tunnel vision, I didn't realize that a child would have to be a sacrificial lamb to feed my demons.  Glad that period is over, but I am not one to judge...only myself.
 
September 2, 2007, 6:17 am CDT

MISS AMERICA BY DAY - CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

Marilyn Van Derbur, a native of Colorado, is one of four daughters of a prominent Denver businessman who is now deceased. Her father was on numerous boards and committees, was honored with buildings named for him, and was president of "all the college fraternities in America." Both parents were active volunteers, donating time and money to culture and civic organizations.

 

Marilyn's earliest memories of her father are of him entering her bed after dark. What came next was repressed for decades until Marilyn realized that her father had committed incest from the time she was five until eighteen, an estimated six hundred times.  All the while, her mother knew. Marilyn tells about her split between the "night child" victim in contrast to the "day child" over-achiever.  Anyone reading her story might experience envy for all the fame and fortune that seemed to come to her so easily and effortlessly.

 

 

Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love by Marilyn Van Derbur

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

 

Marilyn's mother would often state that she had the "perfect marriage" and Marilyn was told that she was "blessed by being born into a perfect family." Marilyn was crowned Miss America while she was attending the University of Colorado in 1958. 

 

Marilyn suffered from physical symptoms including insomnia, tics, anxiety, and panic attacks. When her body and mind rebelled against the constant travel, she experienced full body paralysis, yet doctors found no organic cause. What else might Marilyn be rebelling against? To find the answers she had to search her mind and spirit.  The physical symptoms she had endured were a manifestation of the connection between child sexual abuse and adult ailments. 

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
September 2, 2007, 9:38 am CDT

Thank You So Much

Quote From: anon_slc

Marilyn Van Derbur, a native of Colorado, is one of four daughters of a prominent Denver businessman who is now deceased. Her father was on numerous boards and committees, was honored with buildings named for him, and was president of "all the college fraternities in America." Both parents were active volunteers, donating time and money to culture and civic organizations.

 

Marilyn's earliest memories of her father are of him entering her bed after dark. What came next was repressed for decades until Marilyn realized that her father had committed incest from the time she was five until eighteen, an estimated six hundred times.  All the while, her mother knew. Marilyn tells about her split between the "night child" victim in contrast to the "day child" over-achiever.  Anyone reading her story might experience envy for all the fame and fortune that seemed to come to her so easily and effortlessly.

 

 

Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love by Marilyn Van Derbur

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

 

Marilyn's mother would often state that she had the "perfect marriage" and Marilyn was told that she was "blessed by being born into a perfect family." Marilyn was crowned Miss America while she was attending the University of Colorado in 1958. 

 

Marilyn suffered from physical symptoms including insomnia, tics, anxiety, and panic attacks. When her body and mind rebelled against the constant travel, she experienced full body paralysis, yet doctors found no organic cause. What else might Marilyn be rebelling against? To find the answers she had to search her mind and spirit.  The physical symptoms she had endured were a manifestation of the connection between child sexual abuse and adult ailments. 

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

It will help.  Three more sources, more knowledge...You are so kind to post...hope it helps everyone on the board.  It's not what 's outside, and no one knows the inside until you tell them...good reality check....awful tragedies...by far to many!
 
September 4, 2007, 12:33 pm CDT

LITTLE GRACIE

 

      WHEN I SAW THIS SHOW IT WAS JUST A WAKE UP CALL ! I HAVE A DAUGTHER MYSELF AND I COULDN'T IMAGINEING MY LIFE BEING RUINED BY THIS !!!! THAT GRANDMOTHER DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO SEE HER AS FAR AS I'M CONSIRED SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN PRISION RIGHT ALONG WITH HIM!!!! I HOPE THAT CAT AND HER HUSBAND SORRY FORGOT HIS NAME CAN GET HELP TO WORK THROUGH THIS WITH THEIR DAUGHTER AND THEIR MARRIAGE !!!! I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD AND I 'LL PRAY FOR YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY THAT I THINK OF YOU CAUSE I STILL WILL REMEMBER YOUR LITTLE GRACIE TOO. GOD BLESS YOU!!!! 

 

         

 
September 8, 2007, 1:05 pm CDT

Wish it were that easy...

Quote From: pilgrim87

If no one in the community knows what he has done, could he still be abusing children? Don't the other children in the community deserve protection from him?

He sure could be abusing children, but not admitting to it...probably not leaving any evidence behind, either.  Believe me, I tried to seek justice...it put the victims through hell, they were my children.  But, we had a lack of evidence, time statutes...a good bit of legalities that DO protect the innocent, yet often unwittingly, protect the guilty.  Our case...he was ARRESTED...big difference than CONVICTED.  He denied it through his lawyer, which is/was his right to do.  We, on the other hand were looked at inside out, upside down...my children's medical records were subpeoned...their doctor was queationed...therapy records also subpeoned, therapist questioned...the school was notified, and OUR rights, as plaintiffs, became nill.  You report the crime, you loose your rights, as the case rests on you.  He spent one night in jail, posted bail, and sat it out, knowing that a trial was imbrobable...his lawyer gave him very good advice..top notch...paid very well....he did his job, protect his client.  So, after going through all of this, dismissed for lack of evidence...he walks as free today as we do.  I'm in New York, can't speak for any other local, but if I were to try to warn others, I could be sued!  Innocent until PROVEN guilty...and we just did not have enough...nothing physical(oral sex leaves no scars, only on the soul), no independent witnesses, no confession...so he is, in the eyes of the law, innocent.  He has also had two children since the arrest...with his wife, my daughter, their sister, who stayed with him.  They may have the right to be protected, morally, but legally, I can't even do that.

Grace's Grandfater is a very sick, dangerous man to have acted on those pyschotic urges, but you can't compare someone who says"I did It',  to someone who denies it all.  Laws are strange, but we have to obey them.  I put my kids through hell on earth, when I could have told him to never come here again, and taken care of my own family.  I believed that was not right, as others need to be protected, so I did what I did and it failed to do anything but hurt and embarass my children even more.  They have to come first, and had I known the grueling process, and the slim chance of  a positive result....they would have been my only concern.  It's not what they want us to believe, but justice has a VERY low rate in the statistics that I came to learn, after I took part in exploiting my own children...something that I'll never fully get past.  Sorry to say it, but do a bit of research...the odds of that community knowing are slim to none, unless someone wants to be sued for telling the truth...the unproven truth.

 
September 14, 2007, 10:12 am CDT

08/20 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace, Part 2

Quote From: trenellec

I was so appalled at the Saving Grace show because it was so obvious that the grandmother was acting like the grandfather did nothing wrong and this was something that was not punishable by a long prison sentence. Also, I was shocked to see the father cry for his father but not for his child ,who could not defend herself against a grown man who did he think was to blame Grace he needs counseling on a parents obligation to their children.

I was very upset about the dad's reactions when he first heard too!  When my family did not react the way I had hoped when I disclosed  my brother's incest (happened from age 6-9) I was devestated and I was over 20.  I have never been able to fully forgive those that did not immediately dismiss him from the family.

 

I hope that Grace's parents do more for her then mine did for me.  I have started what will likely be years of therapy to help me with the results of this abuse I survived.

 
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