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Topic : 08/20 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace, Part 2

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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:09:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/16/07) Dr. Phil continues his work with a family torn apart by a 6-year-old girl’s secret: she was molested by her grandfather, and her grandmother failed to report it. Cat and Todd have cut off all contact with Todd’s parents, Steve and Anne, and haven’t seen them since they learned the horrifying truth from their daughter, Grace, over two years ago. Steve has served time for the assault and is now a registered sex offender with a protective order keeping him away from Grace until she’s 18. After secretly watching Dr. Phil’s interview with Steve and Anne, and learning the details of what really took place, will Todd and Cat ever feel comfortable with letting Grace’s grandmother back in her life? Dr. Phil sits down with both couples as they confront each other for the first time face to face. Then, Dr. Phil addresses Cat and Todd’s marriage, which has started to crumble under the stress. How can they get back on track for the sake of their daughter? Next, Grace wants to ask Dr. Phil some questions. See what this brave little girl wants other kids to know. Plus, Dr. Phil has an update on this family one month later. How are they now? Talk about the show here.

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October 2, 2007, 2:12 pm CDT

Saving Grace

The show about saving grace put me in a terrible tail spin.Memories flooded me and brought me to utter dispair and tears for that little girl. I was molested repeatedly by my Grandfather as was my Sister and brother also . That was many  years ago and those days it was keep in silence and swept under the carpet so to speak. We didnt get help like Dr Phil gives. It was never mentioned and so children suffered in silence thier whole life.I hated my Grandfather and even though he is dead now I still do 55 years later.

When I saw that show all I could do was grit my teeth and seeth in anger at  that monster . Thank God for  Graces parents and Dr Phil. As far as Im concerned the Grandfather should be locked up forever. How many other children will suffer because  a Child molester is turned loose. They cant be cured! It has been proven over and over and over again. And the child on the end of thier pervertion suffers memories for the rest of thier lives. The Grandmother in this case is just as guilty as her Husband . If Grace were my child she would NEVER EVER see her Grandfather again.

Still seething!!!!

 
October 16, 2007, 1:07 pm CDT

Is It Ever Over?

I have many posts, both on this board, and Saving Grace Part One.  Anyone who has read them knows rhat my children were molested by my son-in-law, at the time of the molestation, he was my older daughter's boyfriend, then fiance.  We loved him.  He was clean, drug free...did not drink.  He was in his final year of college when he entered our lives...a blesssing I thought, yet it was a curse.  My daughter remained with him, calling her brother and sister liars (my son was 10, my daughter 12 when they finally spoke out...nine months after the wedding).  We have not seen her, or had ANY contact for 7 years, and learned only through mutual associates, she has two little girls.

My hopes were to write a book seeking an alternative to the system in place today, as the law did not help us.  So much research is contradictory...there is that which states that it can never be cured, then, there is other research which ties brain chemistry in the pedophile to that in other mental disorders. This offers hope for control, and cure.  I'm still reading, still researching and hope that one day, there will be a definitive answer.  I hope more than anything for less victims.  I cannot believe the damage it has done to all areas of our family life. We did seek therapy and while it was helpful...it's not a magic bullit.  This changes who you are, and you become a person you don't know.  Although my children are doing well, at 17 and 19, they both wonder how different they would be had this not happened to them.  My daughter suffered from a loss of memory in certain phases of her childhood.  Once she spoke out, from that day forward, she remembers everything.  Still, she cannot remember those periods in her life...not the entire time, just certain "blocks" I guess is the best way to describe it.  She finds it frustrating, yet our therapist states it is probably something she can't face...and not to force it.  How terrible to be robbed of pieces of the time in life where you should have been care free.  My son does remember everything, yet he becomes sad easily, he has not gotten over the betrayal of his sister leaving, and calling him a liar.  That, he says is his biggest obstacle, and he doubts she ever loved him.  He has a terrible fear of abandonment, and does get very re-active if angry.  He is ranked the #1 student in his senior class, yet he is not able to fully enjoy his accomplishments...he worries a lot.  My husband developed high blood pressure...doctor says from stress.  I am just in a quandry...Things appear to be getting on track, and there is a sudden outburst from someone, a period of despair...or depression, anger and we are all much more tired than we should be.  There are days that I wish I had sold my home, as he did it all here, when I was home...or my older daughter, or husband or my uncle.  He was NEVER in the house alone with them, just in our family room downstairs...and everything seemed so normal....we were all in shock.  My husband's sister doesn't believe it either.  As she was a frequent guest in our home, with my son-in-law, she feels, she would have known something.  As we all know, that's not the case, unless you are told, or see something odd.  Who would have a creepy person in their home, particularly around children.  The problem is, pedophiles don't have to look creepy...they look like me, they look like you.  So another result of his actions is that we no longer speak to my sister in law.  The lack of support was too much to sustain, although we tried, it just was phoney....my husband and I had too much animosity, and we didn't tell the kids she didn't believe them at the time...but we had to as they got older...where is she and why?  So, it really hurt their feelings....wish I could have lied, but covering up is not a message to send to children who were brainwashed by a pedophile to keep silent...so I don't cover and lie, just explain that a lot of people go into a denial, as the truth is so abnormal, they can't face it.

I still hold hopes for an eventual cure, or a control, based on the more positive research.  I'm not a pedophile supporter, but having lived it, if ANYTHING can be done to prevent it, I pray it can be found.  We, all of us, who have had this plague infest our lives will get no direct benefit if such a cure is to be had.  Once it's done, you ARE a victim, and you have been changed.  Depending on who it was, can change almost the entire infrastrucure of your family...so no, it won't do US any good.  Just if there were to be fewer of us in the future, people not yet born who may dodge this, if medical science can find a chemical balance. I believe it can only be truly over, if it doesn't happen, and from what I've read, this is epidemic!  My heart and love goes out to all of you who have been subjected to this abomination.  I hope that for all of you, and for my family, that it can one day, be over enough so that it no longer effects your life.  Then, I have to ask, are these hopes realistic?  Reading the long term pain on these boards, I have my doubts. Too many lives have been disrupted, and our system just is not working...our failures are so obvious, and this disease is in our own homes...in our own family members.  The law requires evidence that we often cannot give, and violence is just brealkng yet another law...making the victim a criminal which is not the way to go.  Praying that some day, there is a better way, and wishing us all a brighter future. 

 
October 17, 2007, 6:32 pm CDT

my god

Quote From: housewife52

All I can say is I'll have to grit my teeth and gird my loins.
I cant belive that the law and cps would allow this to happen what in the hell are they thinking I guess there not just like the man thats doing this... I dont understand how that woman can be so lost in her own little world.. if that were my kid  I dont know what I would do but we wouldnt be talking about it because there would be nothing to talk about... I feel so bad for the mother and father of grace god bless you both
 
November 4, 2007, 9:08 pm CST

thankyou dr phill

i wish ihad an adult to stand up and tell the adults in my life to stop justifying things.  My father abused me from the age of two and kept this up till i was 6, he made me have oral sex, penetrational sex and with dogs.  He got a small amount of time in a psych ward when he was caught with the dog, wish he would have got at least that for hurting me.  He then started on my sister.  Our abuse went on for years by many ppl and different ways. I have just done 18months of counselling and my first group therapy i had just shared my story for the first time when i saw your show.   I have had similar issues with the adults being only concerned about their pain and their loss i feel like screaming sometimes but i just scream on the inside all the time.  one of the worst things with the abuse for me is that no one ever spoke about  it.  My mother actually made money from it by blackmailing my father over the years that if he didnt give her any money she would take him to court over it.  My father says he cant talk about it, because he has PTSD, kid I dont.  I thought i was going nuts all of these years and no one would back me up and tell me i wasnt the bad girl who sent her daddy away. i cried every night because of that.  THankyou for helping that little girl to at least not have to deal with that part or at least reduce it .  My father is now 82years old and it infuriates me that although he admitted the whole story in counselling my mother thought it better to not get justice.  I will get justice living a good life and raising a beautiful boy.  but i wish i could of stopped him hurting others he had a safety house sticker on his letter box because he has not been convicted he can still be the dottering old grandpa that visit and can still work with chn. I have been trying to get my hands on the transcripts of the counselling, but maybe its too late.  When i asked my mother what part of her thought it ok to leave her children in the car of someone who just came out of the psych ward for having sex with dogs, and to top it off buy him heaps of acohol.  She said but they(the psychs) said he wouldnt do it again.  Im sorry if someone was like that they wouldnt even be alllowed to speak to my son let alone look after him.  Denial.  She even said recently that she should never have divorced him because she should have waited to get his will money.  when they dont get they just dont Thankyou for helping that little girl will be praying for her.
 
November 7, 2007, 6:14 pm CST

There is no justice

Quote From: waterdragonfly

i wish ihad an adult to stand up and tell the adults in my life to stop justifying things.  My father abused me from the age of two and kept this up till i was 6, he made me have oral sex, penetrational sex and with dogs.  He got a small amount of time in a psych ward when he was caught with the dog, wish he would have got at least that for hurting me.  He then started on my sister.  Our abuse went on for years by many ppl and different ways. I have just done 18months of counselling and my first group therapy i had just shared my story for the first time when i saw your show.   I have had similar issues with the adults being only concerned about their pain and their loss i feel like screaming sometimes but i just scream on the inside all the time.  one of the worst things with the abuse for me is that no one ever spoke about  it.  My mother actually made money from it by blackmailing my father over the years that if he didnt give her any money she would take him to court over it.  My father says he cant talk about it, because he has PTSD, kid I dont.  I thought i was going nuts all of these years and no one would back me up and tell me i wasnt the bad girl who sent her daddy away. i cried every night because of that.  THankyou for helping that little girl to at least not have to deal with that part or at least reduce it .  My father is now 82years old and it infuriates me that although he admitted the whole story in counselling my mother thought it better to not get justice.  I will get justice living a good life and raising a beautiful boy.  but i wish i could of stopped him hurting others he had a safety house sticker on his letter box because he has not been convicted he can still be the dottering old grandpa that visit and can still work with chn. I have been trying to get my hands on the transcripts of the counselling, but maybe its too late.  When i asked my mother what part of her thought it ok to leave her children in the car of someone who just came out of the psych ward for having sex with dogs, and to top it off buy him heaps of acohol.  She said but they(the psychs) said he wouldnt do it again.  Im sorry if someone was like that they wouldnt even be alllowed to speak to my son let alone look after him.  Denial.  She even said recently that she should never have divorced him because she should have waited to get his will money.  when they dont get they just dont Thankyou for helping that little girl will be praying for her.

I'm sorry to say that there is no justice and this can never be made right but I can tell you that you have told your story here, and you have been heard.   You are worth so much more than parts of your life or these people have reflected upon you.  May peace be with you now, I hope know you have always deserved it. 

 

Just a pair of ears of the Universe-Sue

 
November 9, 2007, 1:24 pm CST

I Hope my son-in-law gets hit by a truck

Quote From: waterdragonfly

i wish ihad an adult to stand up and tell the adults in my life to stop justifying things.  My father abused me from the age of two and kept this up till i was 6, he made me have oral sex, penetrational sex and with dogs.  He got a small amount of time in a psych ward when he was caught with the dog, wish he would have got at least that for hurting me.  He then started on my sister.  Our abuse went on for years by many ppl and different ways. I have just done 18months of counselling and my first group therapy i had just shared my story for the first time when i saw your show.   I have had similar issues with the adults being only concerned about their pain and their loss i feel like screaming sometimes but i just scream on the inside all the time.  one of the worst things with the abuse for me is that no one ever spoke about  it.  My mother actually made money from it by blackmailing my father over the years that if he didnt give her any money she would take him to court over it.  My father says he cant talk about it, because he has PTSD, kid I dont.  I thought i was going nuts all of these years and no one would back me up and tell me i wasnt the bad girl who sent her daddy away. i cried every night because of that.  THankyou for helping that little girl to at least not have to deal with that part or at least reduce it .  My father is now 82years old and it infuriates me that although he admitted the whole story in counselling my mother thought it better to not get justice.  I will get justice living a good life and raising a beautiful boy.  but i wish i could of stopped him hurting others he had a safety house sticker on his letter box because he has not been convicted he can still be the dottering old grandpa that visit and can still work with chn. I have been trying to get my hands on the transcripts of the counselling, but maybe its too late.  When i asked my mother what part of her thought it ok to leave her children in the car of someone who just came out of the psych ward for having sex with dogs, and to top it off buy him heaps of acohol.  She said but they(the psychs) said he wouldnt do it again.  Im sorry if someone was like that they wouldnt even be alllowed to speak to my son let alone look after him.  Denial.  She even said recently that she should never have divorced him because she should have waited to get his will money.  when they dont get they just dont Thankyou for helping that little girl will be praying for her.

Thought I had evolved.  Thought that once it was exposed, my children received therapy, life would move forward.  I disageed with the posts that you never get over this...today I offer my apology to them...because you don't.  My son will be 18 come Jan.  Thought he was handling it better until this Fall...suddenly, all of his anger is turned at me.....and I stood by him 100%  He misses his sister, wished I had shut up, never told her...or told anyone else....he speaks to me with contempt...it breaks my heart, yet I can see where he's coming from.  Too many losses for too young a child.  You have to blame someone, and I guess it is going to be me.  I could throw up in hearing about your father, and then the will money....I would not want a penny from my son-in-law...these people are sick....morso, they make everyone who lives they touch as sick, if not sicker than they are.  I really had high hopes, as I thought I did right...but now, I face the ire and contempt of my son...wondering, will I lose him too.  This is a plague...the offenders ...well I was to a point of feeling bad for their illness...hoping for a cure.  I still hope for such, only in that it will yield less victims. My heart was opening to a place of resolve with my son-in-la.w..never face to face, but hoping he will be good to my daughter, to her children...hoping he may have sought council.  I let go of the hate...the thirst for blood and vengeance.  Today, with this latest saga involving my son...his hatred toward me for the way I handled things...I can only wish the offender equal pain to what he has given to my son...to my family...a family who was so good to him...and he betrayed us all.  Today, I feel that they all belong in the pysch ward, the only problem being, you need so much proof that is often just not there....it becomes he said/she said....it's often just not enough in court. 

I cannot help but wonder how my childrens' lives would have been were it not for him....they'd have their sister...hopefully, a NORMAL extended family...their youth would have been innocent...they WERE innocent...but they were opened to an act that should never be in the life of a child. We all need to pray for each other.  I will keep you in my prayers...please do so for my son.  I am so depressed and so un-evolved that I can't even see my son-in-law human...I'm back to square one....with the original contempt.  Nothing can help you as you see your child suffer, and it is killing when the anger is turned on you....I guess it is a passage and pray it plays out better....but he did not desrve this...none of did and damn the selfserving nut who touched you!   Sorry for the rant, but I cannot be forgiving or have any compassion but for victims...and for me, it's a step backward.

 
November 9, 2007, 2:58 pm CST

(((((Kathy))))

I raised two sons that nothing too bad happened to and it wasn't easy when they get to be 18.  For one of them it started about 16 and lasted a long time.  It sure wasn't anywhere near over at 18 years old.  My husband and I ended up at Tough Love looking for answers and feeling like such failures.

 

Even if everything is utopia, a normal boy starts to want to lead the pack about this age.  You aren't going to lead him- he is busy beating his chest being king of the world.  My husband had the funniest conversation with my son.  It went something like "I'm top ram here and if you want to keep acting like you want to take over this herd, I'm gonna run you off"  I laugh easily and thought that was a hilarious conversation but I did see a flash of fire in  my DH's eye and I thought "Oh no, he means it"  And I could see he did.  Now I had twice the problem. 

 

Son's frequently turn on their Dad's, but mine turned on me. (Said he loved his Dad just not me) sniff   It was crushing but I do know that boys break away from their Mom's and he needed to break away from me.  We went to therapy and I told him I understood that he couldn't go around saying that he loved his Mommy any more and that was alright.  I did tell him that I knew when he was little, (NOT NOW) that he loved me a lot and had told me so.  He agreed.  And I knew when he found his place and knew who he was he would gladly love me again- and I was right.  There is a time(about this age) where they find reasons to pull away.  It is normal and they will come back.  One of the things I did right was to tell him -I loved him no matter whether he loved me or not- I always would.

 

Sometimes college comes just in the knick of time and they get to go away and beat their chest and be king of the hill somewhere else.  It's a fairly safe setting for them to grow up and they need some space.

 

This hits you in such a raw spot Kathy and that's why it hurts so badly.  Kids- they have no idea what they are doing to us!  I got the t-shirt and tiara that says- been there done that.  Yeah, for a few YEARS he hated me, but not any more.  He's a Dad now.  Loves his kids and I watch him going through some of the tough stuff too.  He'd loved to be their friend but he has to be their Dad.  If I was any prouder I would pop.  He just had to find out who he is before he could see who I am.  Yours will see you too, it just takes time.  I cried a lot before it was over and that's alright too- that was my part of the growing up- Smile, Sue

 
November 10, 2007, 7:56 am CST

Sue, thank you. It helped

Quote From: imamosaic

I raised two sons that nothing too bad happened to and it wasn't easy when they get to be 18.  For one of them it started about 16 and lasted a long time.  It sure wasn't anywhere near over at 18 years old.  My husband and I ended up at Tough Love looking for answers and feeling like such failures.

 

Even if everything is utopia, a normal boy starts to want to lead the pack about this age.  You aren't going to lead him- he is busy beating his chest being king of the world.  My husband had the funniest conversation with my son.  It went something like "I'm top ram here and if you want to keep acting like you want to take over this herd, I'm gonna run you off"  I laugh easily and thought that was a hilarious conversation but I did see a flash of fire in  my DH's eye and I thought "Oh no, he means it"  And I could see he did.  Now I had twice the problem. 

 

Son's frequently turn on their Dad's, but mine turned on me. (Said he loved his Dad just not me) sniff   It was crushing but I do know that boys break away from their Mom's and he needed to break away from me.  We went to therapy and I told him I understood that he couldn't go around saying that he loved his Mommy any more and that was alright.  I did tell him that I knew when he was little, (NOT NOW) that he loved me a lot and had told me so.  He agreed.  And I knew when he found his place and knew who he was he would gladly love me again- and I was right.  There is a time(about this age) where they find reasons to pull away.  It is normal and they will come back.  One of the things I did right was to tell him -I loved him no matter whether he loved me or not- I always would.

 

Sometimes college comes just in the knick of time and they get to go away and beat their chest and be king of the hill somewhere else.  It's a fairly safe setting for them to grow up and they need some space.

 

This hits you in such a raw spot Kathy and that's why it hurts so badly.  Kids- they have no idea what they are doing to us!  I got the t-shirt and tiara that says- been there done that.  Yeah, for a few YEARS he hated me, but not any more.  He's a Dad now.  Loves his kids and I watch him going through some of the tough stuff too.  He'd loved to be their friend but he has to be their Dad.  If I was any prouder I would pop.  He just had to find out who he is before he could see who I am.  Yours will see you too, it just takes time.  I cried a lot before it was over and that's alright too- that was my part of the growing up- Smile, Sue

The thought of that "ram" conversation with your son and husband made me laugh.  Souned like Jonathan and me...you've had two boys, so you have been there...it really IS normal?  I had the girls first...Heather, my oldest, were it not for the Andrew thing, well, we were ascloseasthis...and were she to be "herself" today, and see this...I think she'd resemble your husband's ram rant.  I miss her so much, and need her today...but that's over...I could, and did take it better when HE was acting normal...or maybe THIS is normal?   You mentioned Tough Love...think I'll go...it's better than doing nothing, and beats crying...I may learn a lot...thank you so much...and I'm glad your son has turned back to Mom...bet he IS a great father!

                                                                                                                                   Love,

                                                                                                                                    Kathy

 
November 10, 2007, 11:22 am CST

You CAN lose Sight Of What Is Normal

Quote From: imamosaic

I raised two sons that nothing too bad happened to and it wasn't easy when they get to be 18.  For one of them it started about 16 and lasted a long time.  It sure wasn't anywhere near over at 18 years old.  My husband and I ended up at Tough Love looking for answers and feeling like such failures.

 

Even if everything is utopia, a normal boy starts to want to lead the pack about this age.  You aren't going to lead him- he is busy beating his chest being king of the world.  My husband had the funniest conversation with my son.  It went something like "I'm top ram here and if you want to keep acting like you want to take over this herd, I'm gonna run you off"  I laugh easily and thought that was a hilarious conversation but I did see a flash of fire in  my DH's eye and I thought "Oh no, he means it"  And I could see he did.  Now I had twice the problem. 

 

Son's frequently turn on their Dad's, but mine turned on me. (Said he loved his Dad just not me) sniff   It was crushing but I do know that boys break away from their Mom's and he needed to break away from me.  We went to therapy and I told him I understood that he couldn't go around saying that he loved his Mommy any more and that was alright.  I did tell him that I knew when he was little, (NOT NOW) that he loved me a lot and had told me so.  He agreed.  And I knew when he found his place and knew who he was he would gladly love me again- and I was right.  There is a time(about this age) where they find reasons to pull away.  It is normal and they will come back.  One of the things I did right was to tell him -I loved him no matter whether he loved me or not- I always would.

 

Sometimes college comes just in the knick of time and they get to go away and beat their chest and be king of the hill somewhere else.  It's a fairly safe setting for them to grow up and they need some space.

 

This hits you in such a raw spot Kathy and that's why it hurts so badly.  Kids- they have no idea what they are doing to us!  I got the t-shirt and tiara that says- been there done that.  Yeah, for a few YEARS he hated me, but not any more.  He's a Dad now.  Loves his kids and I watch him going through some of the tough stuff too.  He'd loved to be their friend but he has to be their Dad.  If I was any prouder I would pop.  He just had to find out who he is before he could see who I am.  Yours will see you too, it just takes time.  I cried a lot before it was over and that's alright too- that was my part of the growing up- Smile, Sue

Sue, your kind words mean so much to me.  I guess where there has been such trauma, the events play out differently in the mind of a young adult.  I just hope, that in time, as with your son, mine realizes that I did what I felt to be right.  I did it out of love, not to cause more trouble, but to get some justice.  Maybe the alpha male issues would have come up differently, as you certainly had to deal with them.  Just wish I wasn't being blamed for what I felt to be a show of solidarity and support to victims.  Had it never happened, I would have a thicker skin....so it really has lasting effects...the ripple effect...where you just become overwhelmed by what may be a normal period.  Hope you are RIGHT...and that this, too shall pass!

Thank you, Kathy

 
November 13, 2007, 10:42 am CST

hope

     You are a brave young Lady!  There is hope Grace you will be alright, and it will get better.  You may never forget  what happened but it dose get easier.  I wish I was as brave as you when it happened to me as a child.  I waited a long time before I said anything to anybody.  I have struggled with the pain that I felted.  It is hard to understand why these things happen.  It is easier to think did I do something wrong to deserve this, is it my fault?  No you did not deserve it and no it is not your fault.  I have forgiven the person for what he did to me.  I do not hate him,  but I do hate what he did.  I am 35 years old and wish I was as strong as you.  You have helped children and adults for coming forward.  I wish I could give you a hug, just know that you are not alone in this.  I have began the healing process late in my life,  but  I can say that I am a survivor.  You have already started the healing process,  and it will get easier.   My prayers are with you young Grace, stay Strong you will be OK.  
 
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