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Topic : 08/20 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace, Part 2

Number of Replies: 723
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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:09:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/16/07) Dr. Phil continues his work with a family torn apart by a 6-year-old girl’s secret: she was molested by her grandfather, and her grandmother failed to report it. Cat and Todd have cut off all contact with Todd’s parents, Steve and Anne, and haven’t seen them since they learned the horrifying truth from their daughter, Grace, over two years ago. Steve has served time for the assault and is now a registered sex offender with a protective order keeping him away from Grace until she’s 18. After secretly watching Dr. Phil’s interview with Steve and Anne, and learning the details of what really took place, will Todd and Cat ever feel comfortable with letting Grace’s grandmother back in her life? Dr. Phil sits down with both couples as they confront each other for the first time face to face. Then, Dr. Phil addresses Cat and Todd’s marriage, which has started to crumble under the stress. How can they get back on track for the sake of their daughter? Next, Grace wants to ask Dr. Phil some questions. See what this brave little girl wants other kids to know. Plus, Dr. Phil has an update on this family one month later. How are they now? Talk about the show here.

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November 14, 2007, 10:39 am CST

Hi Kathy

I just reread our posts and wanted to add something.  Kathy, our family isn't "normal" and I'm not even sure what normal is.  From my own experience I do know that boys in their late teens need to break away from their family of origin and a lot of them in order to make that break cause friction.  If there is no friction then there is no impetus to leave and start a life of their own.  They'd just live with their parents forever and not become independent.  They would not be healthy.  So the healthier ones get dissatisfied and leave.  Does that make sense?

 

I am no authority on normal. Hahahahaha  If I came off as even close to that it's such a joke.  Our family is a lot closer to being the poster child for dysfunctional.  We try real hard and have done therapy but if you feel not so "normal" we are closer to that too. smile

 

I do understand that you have been through a lot.  In a discussion I had last night I was reminded that life is rarely "fair".  I always expect fair and am so often disappointed but look at the world.  Did the people of Iraq get fair?  How about Africa?  I am always outraged when I don't get "fair"   This isn't fair, that isn't fair.  Who am I in this world to get fair?  No one else got it either, I just think they did to make myself unhappy and feel righteous to feel the outrage that I do.  Things for ME  SHOULD BE FAIR!  Who said?  Who got that?  Am I always fair to everyone else?  Did it begin with me?  Huh, no, I have seen the universal sign of disgust when I do something on the highway directed at me.  I know there are people that think I am not fair.  I am an American, by that definition there are people that would say I am unfair.  And on down it goes until I get to my family and I want them to be fair but again who is?  I can't be fair and yet I expect and sometimes demand fairness from my family.  I can't maintain not judging and yet I hate to be judged. 

 

In my opinion nobody gets fair, nobody gets normal, not Grace, not you, not me, not your son and daughters, not anyone.  We all have to live with that and try and deal with it.  If anyone says they got fair and normal- they have been truly blessed with tolerance and low expectations of others.  That is not me!  And I did not intend to come across as "I have it all figured out" because that is so not true!   I do know that whatever we are dealt in this life we have to deal with in our own way.  Is what happened to Grace bad?  Yes.  She can overcome it, she has loving parents who care very much for her.  Lot's of support is in place for her.  Will she rebel in her teens?  She might.  Is all lost if she does?  No.  What happens next in the story?  It is not so much what happens to us but how we perceive it.  She could become a strong woman and advocate for children, we just don't know.  A lot of the equation is Grace and her choices.

 

Your son has had a bad thing happen.  Will he rebel in his late teens?  He might.  Will all be lost if he does?  No.  He has had a lot of loving support and therapy.  No matter what happens next the story is not over.  I can say I always believed my son would turn out.  I saw things that sane people would say, Boy that's a bad sign"  And not for one minute did I believe that was even representative of who my son is.  I was right.  In the end, all that fell away and there stands a wonderful man that I knew he would be.  I never believed that stuff nor should I.  I believed in his goodness.  That is a wonderful thing.  And your oldest daughter?  If it were me, I would believe in her goodness until my last breath and God willing even after.  All the rest -no one would ever convince me that it is the truth.  She is good,someday that goodness will shine through and that is all there is to it.  And when it does you will be there waiting. 

 

Have a great day Kathy,

Smile, Sue

 
November 16, 2007, 10:17 am CST

There Is So Much To What You've Said

Quote From: imamosaic

I just reread our posts and wanted to add something.  Kathy, our family isn't "normal" and I'm not even sure what normal is.  From my own experience I do know that boys in their late teens need to break away from their family of origin and a lot of them in order to make that break cause friction.  If there is no friction then there is no impetus to leave and start a life of their own.  They'd just live with their parents forever and not become independent.  They would not be healthy.  So the healthier ones get dissatisfied and leave.  Does that make sense?

 

I am no authority on normal. Hahahahaha  If I came off as even close to that it's such a joke.  Our family is a lot closer to being the poster child for dysfunctional.  We try real hard and have done therapy but if you feel not so "normal" we are closer to that too. smile

 

I do understand that you have been through a lot.  In a discussion I had last night I was reminded that life is rarely "fair".  I always expect fair and am so often disappointed but look at the world.  Did the people of Iraq get fair?  How about Africa?  I am always outraged when I don't get "fair"   This isn't fair, that isn't fair.  Who am I in this world to get fair?  No one else got it either, I just think they did to make myself unhappy and feel righteous to feel the outrage that I do.  Things for ME  SHOULD BE FAIR!  Who said?  Who got that?  Am I always fair to everyone else?  Did it begin with me?  Huh, no, I have seen the universal sign of disgust when I do something on the highway directed at me.  I know there are people that think I am not fair.  I am an American, by that definition there are people that would say I am unfair.  And on down it goes until I get to my family and I want them to be fair but again who is?  I can't be fair and yet I expect and sometimes demand fairness from my family.  I can't maintain not judging and yet I hate to be judged. 

 

In my opinion nobody gets fair, nobody gets normal, not Grace, not you, not me, not your son and daughters, not anyone.  We all have to live with that and try and deal with it.  If anyone says they got fair and normal- they have been truly blessed with tolerance and low expectations of others.  That is not me!  And I did not intend to come across as "I have it all figured out" because that is so not true!   I do know that whatever we are dealt in this life we have to deal with in our own way.  Is what happened to Grace bad?  Yes.  She can overcome it, she has loving parents who care very much for her.  Lot's of support is in place for her.  Will she rebel in her teens?  She might.  Is all lost if she does?  No.  What happens next in the story?  It is not so much what happens to us but how we perceive it.  She could become a strong woman and advocate for children, we just don't know.  A lot of the equation is Grace and her choices.

 

Your son has had a bad thing happen.  Will he rebel in his late teens?  He might.  Will all be lost if he does?  No.  He has had a lot of loving support and therapy.  No matter what happens next the story is not over.  I can say I always believed my son would turn out.  I saw things that sane people would say, Boy that's a bad sign"  And not for one minute did I believe that was even representative of who my son is.  I was right.  In the end, all that fell away and there stands a wonderful man that I knew he would be.  I never believed that stuff nor should I.  I believed in his goodness.  That is a wonderful thing.  And your oldest daughter?  If it were me, I would believe in her goodness until my last breath and God willing even after.  All the rest -no one would ever convince me that it is the truth.  She is good,someday that goodness will shine through and that is all there is to it.  And when it does you will be there waiting. 

 

Have a great day Kathy,

Smile, Sue

Hi Sue,

     That part about breaking away made so much sense.  Otherwise, we'd be living together forever...that is truly dysfunctional.  The process is hard, and a suppose, a bit scary, yet necessary to go to the next level.

Your faith in my oldest daughter is touching.  Seems like whenever I am willing to throw in the towel, something happens that says "DON'T" .  Today, I was just playing around with the computer, waiting for a delivery, so I'm sort of stuck...and there was your message!  It's happened so many times before...at my younger daughter's ring  day...my older attended a different school, so no one there knew her...or even of her...as this was "after the fact"...but this teacher came over to shake my hand and said"you're Heather's mother"  not once, but twice...then said, how sorry she was...the name was on her mind...and proceeded to talk about the "right" girl...but little did she know...I am Heather's mother.  The list goes on...weird things at random times...People who are not believers in this call it co-incidence....why that name...why me...and similar others...all coincidental?  Maybe, but I can't see how.

     Life is not fair.  Not to anyone...many are blessed with better fortunes, or health or childhoods..but there is always something that won't seem fair.  The very fact that pedophiles and violent criminals exist...that is not fair...but they are here.  They certainly effect lives, and not for the better, but to say "why me?"  Why anyone?  And what makes me any more deserving or another any less deserving?  Probably because, at first, the pain is all you feel and until you can see past that, it is  Why me...just human nature, I guess.

     I hope your family has a wonderful Thanksgiving, and a fun holiday season, as well as one that is sacred.  My prayers this year will include all of the postings...Grace and her family...that they find peace and yes, laughter in their lives...also, my thanks will be for the new people in my life...like you...who have opened my eyes to a newer way of thinking.  My older daughter will be in those prayers, too...and so will her children...that for some reason, they will not be subjected to their father's illness....but that my daughter can realize our goodness, that her siblings would not and could not lie about him....I only hope that she  is not brainwashed.  Although she is very intelligent, she was naive...never had that rebellion or the breaking away...it came as an amputation...sudden and traumatic, therefore a lot harder to reconcile.

     I hope that her goodness comes before my last breath...if not, I hope that her siblings do not turn her away....to do so would be to toss her back into the pit...with him as her only  support.  She deserves better, but that is for her to realize...and only the future will tell.

     If only some of the offenders would read these messages,  see the suffering that came from their actions, maybe there would be a few more "I'M Sorry's"...in sincerity, this holiday.  After the fact, it is all that is left.  To some, it may be meaningless, yet to others, it may be an opened door to their healing process.

 

Bless you, Sue, for your kind words,

Love, Kathy

 
November 27, 2008, 4:56 pm CST

08/20 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace, Part 2

i just want every one out there that i am 27 years old and am also a survivour of sexual abuse.i guess in a way im lucky that the dirty basted waited until i was 11 and it didnt happen earlier. the guy was mt mums best friends husband and even though they knew this guy had already been to jail before they still left thier 5 daughters with them almost every weekend.at first he would get me to flash at him them as he got more sure that i wasnt gunna tell led onto other things from me giving him oral sex to me giving it to the community service people that he had at his place of work. when i did finally tell my stupid mothers respons...fine then you wont go to work there and wont earn any money. they still sent the others. this guy totally ruined my teenage years i grew to think that giving someone oral sex was no different than giving someone a handshake

 

i also want people to know that i am a product of a incestious concentual relationship as are my 6 sisters and brother. in the last 6 or so years my mother decided she was just going to up and leave taking the remaining children with her and dobbed him into the police as a result was sent to prison. now shoot me for not having any empathy when in my mind he was punished while she got away scott free. sure what they did was wrong but i aslo believe that since they were both concenting adults either they both should have been punished or neither.its not like she was a child, she was 17 and also they didnt reside together as father and daughter. basically  she was just another female shaking her bits at him now explain to me why she got off?

 
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