I feel that punishment that reaps consequences is very good. With teenagers, it is one of the best ways to really make them understand that their behavior is unacceptable. They seem to really get it at this age where there are consequences. I have had to learn the very hard way that you have to stand up, have some guts to be a true parent these days and stop always trying to be their friend. If you don't you are harming them more. They need structure and security and to know that someone is really still in charge.
I had a wonderful sweet daughter up until age 13 when her hormones kicked in. Up until then, she was very little trouble, was very happy, was the sunshine of my life and was a joy to be with and to have in my life. Then as she approached age 16 1/2, her personality changed and she began to challenge me. She became angry and talked less and less about her feelings. She would still abide by the rules reluctantly, but stretched them, causing a need to invoke removing privileges. Being in high school, she became more and more influenced by others around her that had parents that allowed their kids to get away with anything, or who were not involved in their kids' lives. My daughter's grades remained good because I always encouraged her and I love education, and so did she. But I found her lowering her standards to meet the level of others at school, instead of setting examples for others by being different than the average. She never turned to drugs or alcohol thankfully, but she became sassy, used words that she knew were unacceptable in our home and began to challenge my authority. She often would strike out at me and seemed angry more than usual. She argued more and more, yelled and became irrational in her actions and thoughts. I became more and more scared of her and wondered if I could maintain control in our home. (Her father had left us 9 years earlier). So there was no male image to provide a good role model and to help support me. There was no united front to present to our daughter. She knew how to push my buttons and to draw me into her arguments and the negative energy she produced during those times. One day she started an argument over "nothing" and shoved me all the way from her room, down the hallway and into my bedroom right into the night stand. I fell down and hit the back of my head. I got up and tried to get out the bedroom door, only to find her blocking it. I then tried to run into the master bathroom to close the door and to lock it to give me time to get away from her and for her to cool off. Instead she blocked the entrance of the door, preventing me from closing it. I did not want to hurt her or damage the door. She shoved me into the back of the commode, breaking a very special porcelain jewelry box and grabbed my arms. I tried to block my face to protect it. I pleaded with her to leave me alone, to go to her room to cool off or to go out and take a walk until she cooled down. She refused. She finally backed away from me and after taking a minute to collect myself, I picked up the phone and dialed 911. I had to ask the police to come to the house. After taking reports of the incident, I had to make the most difficult decision in my entire life. I had to let them take her out of the house and to Children's Services. I vowed there would never be any more arguing, fighting, cursing or out of control behavior in my home again. The lack of resepct for authority was totally unacceptable and enough was enough! I had been hit and bruised for the last time. But it brought the most pain to my heart I had ever experienced. I loved my daughter dearly, did not understand where this behavior was coming from and it broke my heart. But I had to do what was best for me, to have peace and safety restored to my home, and to steer her to where she could get help. She needed counseling and family counseling should have been included. Unfortunately, Children's Services did little to nothing to help and made our lives more miserable. Lesson: Had I started back when she was 13 getting her into counseling and encouraging her to express her feelings and gotten more parenting tools for myself, our lives would have been different. I know she loves me dearly and I love her with all my heart, but our relationship now needs a lot of healing and repair. Parents of teens definitely need help, encouragement and direction. Dr. Phil, I am so glad you are airing this topic and hope that you can provide many others like me with some real help. I want my daughter back, healed and whole again. I pray for her every day. I pray for her to get past the anger, talk it out and for her to be willing to communicate and to truly listen to one another. There will be many layers for her to get through until she can get to the area where her feelings of love and the willingness to reconcile can be felt. I pray for that day to come soon. I hate missing out of her life and daily activities. There are still many life lessons I want to teach her - those difficult ones like trust, honesty, good communication skills, how to recognize good healthy people, to raise the standards for herself and to know that she is valued, loved and deserves more for herself. I want to leave her with a legacy that will stay with her long after I am gone. Dr. Phil, my mother passed away when I was only 21 from cancer and I am in a high risk category. I was not ready to have my mother die at such a young age and never ever thought that would happen. I was at the age where we were just becoming friends and close. I felt she abandoned me for many years until I discovered that I was actually angry at her for leaving me. Once I aired this feeling outloud, I was able to understand and healing came quickly after that. But it took 10 years for me to discover what was wrong. Those of you who still have their mothers and/or fathers living, cherish them.
Thank you from a mother who loves with all her heart. The parents really do the most suffering. But if it will be in the daughter's or son's best interest, then it makes it all worth it. We can take the pain if necessary, as long as it is born out of love for our children. Never give up on them, never give up hope, and show them unconditional love; it is so rare these days and it is a characteristic that our children need to know and understand that it does exist and they should settle for nothing less.
(Original Air Date: 04/18/07) Fistfights in the living room, black eyes, stitches, a father punching a 17-year-old, a mother wrestling a 15-year-old to the floor … What do you do when you have no control over your teenager? Parents face off against teens in what Dr. Phil calls “one of the most disgusting displays of bad behavior on both sides that I have seen in years.” Brenda and Jim are constantly at war with Brenda’s three sons, Koltin, 17; and twins Austin and Dustin, 15. They say the teens have punched holes in the walls, physically attacked their stepfather and left home for days at a time! Brenda and Jim disagree on how to discipline their out-of-control teens and are even headed toward divorce because of it. How can they save the boys and their marriage? Then, meet a judge who believes creative punishments have the most impact. Judge Cicconetti doles out punishments that cause embarrassment and teach a lesson, such as making a teenager who stole a pornographic video sit blindfolded outside the store with a sign that reads “See no evil.” Opponents say creative punishments are abusive and cause more harm than good. What does Dr. Phil think? Join the discussion.
