Topic : 08/29 Moms Gone Wild

Elise said she would not stoop so low as to take her own son in a car with her when she has been drinking, but I guess she thinks it is just dandy to put other sons and daughters (and mothers, fathers, etc.) at risk of death if/when she hits them in one of her drunken driving stupors.  Lock her up! 

Her poor little boy!!!  He just wants a mommy.  (Did they ever say where his daddy was?  Maybe he is the better parent and should be considered?) Heidi is doing Elise no favors by letting Elise live in her home.  Dr. Phil talks about commando parenting, and this is a case where some is needed.  The child does not need Elise in his life in her current state, and even though she is now going to treatment-- that is just false hope until (if ever) Elise gets her $h!t together.  Heidi needs to give Elise the boot- get her OUT of that pig stye she calls a room, and let her fend for herself, good, bad, or otherwise.  Maybe if she had to stand on her own two feet, she would. 

For Elise to give up custody of her son tells you she is not much interested in his well-being, just what is easy for her.  That she said it was for insurance purposes was a completely lame excuse.  Most mothers would fight tooth and nail to keep their child, insurance or not, but not Elise.  That little boy must be crushed knowing he can be given away when it is not convenient for his mother to keep him.  He has probably heard every sorry excuse in the book from that drunken egg-doner of his, and likely still keeps hoping she will one day show him some small measure of love, throw him a crumb.  He is damaged goods thanks to his own mother, and also in part thanks to his grandmother who needs to get a spine.  Will he ever be able to have a loving relationship with a woman after having his soul crushed so many times by Mommy?  She is a pig, and does not deserve to even be in her son's life.  She will continue to wallow in her nastiness and continue to disappoint the little guy.  I will pray for him.  What a tragic life he is living now.  Maybe he will look at what IS and think about what COULD BE when he is a grown-up and has some measure of power in his life.  Until then, he is at their mercy. 

While I am in favor of treatment, now the little boy will get dragged to some strange institutional visiting room to see his mommy, hoping that THIS time she will "get well."  As far as alcoholism being a disease, what other disease can you choose to participate in?  I don't know anyone who would choose to have cancer, or then choose not to have it.  Diabetes?  Parkinsons?  Elise has chosen to be a drunk and chosen to abandon her son.  Maybe she will sober up for long enough to see what a mess she has made and choose to stop. 

The one bright spot in all of this is the aunt of the little boy.  If he wants HER to be his mommy, he can clearly see and comprehend that there is a different way of living, and that gives me a glimmer of hope for him.  Even if she does not raise him, she is around and can influence him, love him, and be supportive as he grows up.  He will need that, as, while Dr. Phil's offer of treatment is generous, very few alcoholics dry up on their first treatment.  This is likely to be a long process with ups and downs aplenty that the child will have to weather.  The hurt is not over for him by a long shot, and his aunt seems to be stable and dependable.  He is gonna need her a lot in the months and years to come. 

Maybe Lisa can lend Heidi some money for a surgical procedure to implant a backbone, and will "hold her hand throughout the process"? 

I did what you did for almost four decades. I gave up on my father (for different reasons than yours) and pretended that I was fine. My unresolved anger, resentment and frustration carried with me into all my relationships. I allowed my power and control to be taken from me. It wasn't until I was over 40 that I decided that being angry and resentful (and not having a relationship w my father) was hurting me MUCH more than it hurt him.

I finally decided (thru the help of my church ministry) to FORGIVE my father. It took awhile and I had to FORCE myself to hug my father...little by little. Eventually it got easier. And finally I made it to full forgiveness (even though this man never apologized to me or admitted his awful mistakes).

I forgave him for MY SAKE. I lost all that burden I had been walking around with. I got to spend all that negative energy I once held on being happy. I found peace and harmony.

In February of this year, I was with my father as he died. I held him hand, told him I loved him and I watched him go. Still, no apology from him, but I didn't need one. He was a man who made mistakes (some very bad ones), but he loved me. I found examples of that love when I really looked hard for it. To him, feeing, clothing me and putting a roof over my head (as a child) was his way of telling me he loved me. No, it wasn't enough years ago, but as an adult, it is plenty. He could not have given me what I needed emotionally, but that didn't make him a horrible person. It made him merely a flawed human being.

We all make mistakes (some of us make bigger ones), but each one of us has some redeeming quality. It's up to us to find that redeeming quality and forgive the bad ones. It's what God reqires of us and it's now what I require of myself.

I am free, not because of my 81-yr-old father's death. I am free because I forgave him prior to his death. It's a gift I gave myself. It doens't mean I shall ever forget the pain and suffering I had at his hands as a child. It simply means I moved forward and showed compassion.

If your mother is not an emotionally healthy person, you SHOULDN"T be around her. However, hating her and avoiding her are two different things (hating harms you more than it harms her). Your mother does not sound like a happy person. And perhaps she has other ailments (mental ailments) that nobody will ever diagnose. Please don't waste your energy on hating her. It will negatively affect all your other relationships and take up too much of your valuable time.

Get help for yourself (professional couseling, talking to a pastor, etc), and let the anger go. Don't give your mother that much power over you. Pity her. I would venture to guess that, by her behavior, she already feels very alone in this world. Sad people behave the way she is behaving.

I want you happy, but YOU have to make the decision to be happy. Being angry or hating your mother is not the way to achieve it. God bless you and good luck. At 32, I was busy hating my father and feeling sorry for myself. I want more for you than that!