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Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:15:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame. Kirsten says she believes all men cheat, and therefore she must snoop to protect herself. She checks her boyfriend, Chris', cell phone, bank statements and has even hacked into his e-mail. Chris says he's never given her a reason to believe he's been unfaithful. Should Kirsten be so concerned, or is her out-of-control jealousy going to ruin this relationship? Then, Kelynn and Laurie had been married nine months, and she was expecting their first child when he ran into his first love and realized he still had feelings for her. Laurie has not been able to get over this and fears it's going to destroy their marriage. And, Lamar is so caught up in his feelings for his first love that he can't even date or look at another woman ... and it's been five years! Will Dr. Phil's surprise finally help him leave the past behind? Share your thoughts here.

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April 15, 2007, 3:20 am CDT

exactly

Quote From: susanashe

Huh ?  She contacted an old boyfriend and she doesnt know what she is doing ?  Get a clue hun, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing.  SHE is using YOU !  She knows that you know and she has it made - she has you and the boyfriend. Man, what a setup !  Kick her out and keep the kid - GIVE UP and go find a decent woman rather than the sleaze you are married to.  Sorry but it is the truth !

 

 been i a relationship like that myself and i,d never go back. In my case, she made all sorts of promises and such and said how badly she,d behaved so i gave her another chance. Only to find that at the same time she was supossedly so comitted she,d joined a dating agency behind my back and was again catching up with an old boyfriend on a weekend away. Thats the last contact i,d ever want with a person like that. lepards dont change their spots and a sleaze will generally always be a low life sleaze. I,d give her a boot out the door and find somone else with decent values.

 
April 15, 2007, 5:07 am CDT

past loves

i know how it is to have a first love.  i had it for years.. 35 years... you never really forget your first love.. something so rite is so wrong..  everytime i broke up with a man i went back with him... thinking he would change.. for a while he would then back to the old way of himself.. 10 years ago i meet someone special..  i am sure he has a past too.. everybody dose... but we are together and i love him very much.. you always have that special spot  in your heart for your first love...  your can't be with someone and always think of what if?  you need to built a relationship with the person you are with..  it took me a long time to figure that out.. i went through two marriages.. and he wasn't my high school sweetheart.. i hated him in school.. it was after we graduated.. 

 
April 15, 2007, 5:08 am CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: manuelm

I know My wife is cheating on me but I think she is confused. She told me she wasn't happy but could not say why.

She got in touch with a old boyfriend that is married and lives out of state. The meet to talk and I think he is just using her. He told her he's not happy with his marriage ether but I think he is just using her for a little out of state fun.

I love my wife and I don't think she realized what she was doing. We have a ten year old son who would be devastated.Should I try to save our marrage or just give up.

she knows what she is doing she wants her cake and eat it too.. wake up...
 
April 15, 2007, 7:48 am CDT

IT'S NOT OKAY

Quote From: manuelm

I know My wife is cheating on me but I think she is confused. She told me she wasn't happy but could not say why.

She got in touch with a old boyfriend that is married and lives out of state. The meet to talk and I think he is just using her. He told her he's not happy with his marriage ether but I think he is just using her for a little out of state fun.

I love my wife and I don't think she realized what she was doing. We have a ten year old son who would be devastated.Should I try to save our marrage or just give up.

The first thing you must do is Remember this is not your fault..

She is seeking out a relationship with someone else because SHE CAN...

I have been married to a man for 25 years he travels to asia all the time..

12 years ago he took this wonderful job ...HA I thought it was at the time...I gave him 110% support to go and do this job overseas while I stayed home and cared for our 3 children..

His 3 week job turned into a 2 year job.. I would travel to see him about every 9 weeks for a 10-12 day period...Again leaving my children ...

He was always to busy to come home ...

Being young and REALLY DUMB... 

 

1 year into his contract... I got HPV...Herpies Palanoma virious... which turned into Cancer..

He said it was not him I must have cheated on him he was sure..  he told me all these different reasons how I got it.. Toilet seat, bar stool. bed sheet ocean water...

Dah... I became very smart... AND VERY VERY WISE..

I did a surprise visit to Asia...Our Anniversary  ...

WOW ....Not only was he having cheating  but he was hiring so many prostitutes to fill his really hard exausting days of work ....

that he had no idea he had hired me.....

I had gotten so good at speaking the language, acting and dressing like them that he had no idea who I was...

Yep..................................".I " White girl became Philippina...

I found out so much about myself and my life that I had no idea was happening....

 

I remember being in the hall of his hotel room and calling him after he paid me ..I asked him what he was doing and what he did last night ...

He said he just woke up...WRONG...He ment to say I just got laid, I asked him what he did last night he said went to dinner..to bed really early... He ment to say went out to my favorite bar got drunk and picked up  this girl and I just got done having sex with her...

 

I undressed in the hallway took off my wig put my hair in  a ponytail and knocked on his door all the while knowing he had no idea I was even in ASIA....

He thought he was talking to me from home..  taking care of his lost life he had forgotten how to do anymore.

When he opened the door he looked JUST like he did when I left...

 

BUt now very very surprised...And very  very angry that I was there..

 

 You tricked me is all he could say.. looking up and down the hall...

He turned the table on me and said I lied...Not even a word about Happy anniversery or I am so glad to see you...I love you...I've missed you, I'm so glad your here. 

 

He said he just woke up and needed a shower..

 

I left him alone and got into my little get up...again .... Knocked on the bathroom door told him someone was there to see him.. SILENCE.and a lot of it......................................

said he would be right out I answerd in tagolig...I miss you..

I forgot my bag...who is this lady in your room...

He said back... Not to worry he was going to get rid of his Wife as soon as possible and then he would make it up to ME...The other women...

 

But when he finally came out of the bathroom there I was in bed dressed as his hired girl naked and all he could say was get out...

I told him in english... NOT ON YOUR LIFE I WAS NOW IN CHARGE..

I was there for a reason..

He of cource he called security on me and well, that is when he  realized who I or she really was...

ME...

A very strong person who Had finally grown up and became a women not affraid

I am much wiser and trust me It took me a really long time to begin again..

 

I got my things togather  and fley home 2 days later...

My 3 beautiful children there waiting for there MOM...

He had done lots of damage in the 21 hours of plane rides..

 

The children are the ones who suffer the most.. If we are sad they can feel it..

kids just know. We think they might not be listening BUT they are... no matter how hard we try and hide it from them they too are suffering...

IT's A no win situation...

.. We think just because they can go out and do this to us..

WE have to make it UP to them.. We have to find a way to prove to.... THEM..... how much WE love them.. Show them the world ..

All the time We forget about what really happened...

 

We forget about US ... ... How it felt the first time we found out about them..

That is what you have to remember...

They did this on there own for what ever reasons... Trust me they have so many...reasons..

But the real reason is They cheated on us.... Can you ever trust again... within time the pain goes away... the trust slowly comes back...

 

YOU CAN ALWAYS FORGIVE  BUT YOU CAN NEVER FORGET...I WISH WE COULD...

 

Just remember you get 1 life... is it worth loosing who we are..  You have to go back to why we love and want to be loved... You have to wake up in the morning and put your feet on the floor and say... THIS IS A BRAND NEW DAY...  What should I do today FOR ME....FOR MY CHILDREN...

This is a great day to begin LIFE...Do you want your children to grow up never being able to trust anyone... Remembering how awful his child hood was.. How sad his parents were how they fought or why they were never there for them.......NO WAY...

Children are like sponges  they absorbe everything...It is our job to show them LOVE, teach them right from wrong... They will be OKAY... It will take lots of time and LOTS of Patients...They are gona be angry for a while.

But a HUG AND A SIMPLE I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING  and this is not your fault....WELL, That works wonders...

An occasional fishing trip won't hurt either..

 

IF life gives you lemons "YOU MAKE A REALLY NICE GLASS OF LEMONADE"..  Sit back and think about how many LEMONS you had to GET RID of to make that delicious wonderful glass you are now ENJOYING........

 

Good luck

 
April 15, 2007, 12:51 pm CDT

Love Can Do Strange Things

I don't blame women for being so suspicious about their new love.  Once a woman has been cheated on or lied to, it is extremely hard to trust anyone anymore.  Unfortunately, the new person in your life has to suffer the consequences of not being trusted until he can really prove himself.  Yes, it is very difficult to forget a deep love you once had, in fact, I don't think a person ever gets over that one deep love of her life even though she is not with him anymore.  I feel the hurt goes deeper than the heart at that point and when it comes to trusting anymore, I know I can't trust anyone anymore even if the man did nothing for me to feel that way, as I said, unfortunately the new one gets the brunt of the past relationship.
 
April 15, 2007, 1:04 pm CDT

sad and confused

Quote From: imldsru12

  My near obsession with my high school sweetheart, who also happened to be 'my first' nearly cost my marriage.  After we graduated we went our separate ways.  He married, I married and we all lived happily ever after, or so I thought.    I hadn't seen him or had any contact with him from 1983 until 2000.  One day out of the blue I literally ran right into him at an ice cream social.  That day I had happened to have had an argument with my husband, so I was pretty ticked...and I ran into my first love. 

  Of course I was practically hyperventilating!  I always had thought about him, cared about him, etc.... But I always kept the flame way on the back burner.

  The day I ran into him he says, "I have missed you so much!  Not a day's gone by that I haven't thought about you.  Every time my wife have a problem, I catch myself always wishing I would have just married you...."  You can imagine that is just what I needed and wanted to hear.

  Boy, I tell ya', if I would have known the turmoil and grief our little reconnection would cause, I would have said, "Nice to see you.  Take care, gotta go."  I would have ran so fast and far in the opposite direction........

  But nooooo!  He had me "hook, line and sinker".  What a mess.

 

 

I had been married for fourteen years when I decided to call my "first love".  I had always thought about him because we were so close back when we were kids and he always treated me very nicely.  I started dating my husband at 17 years old and married him when I was 26 and he was 30.  We had a rocky relationship from the beginning, you know the fighting, he had a very bad temper, hit me once, but then never again, anyway we did love eachother very much and did marry.  We always got along very well, especially when we were alone together, more so than when we were around other people, but we still managed to get out with other couples and have fun.  We have three kids and my husband was very good at times, its like he has two personalities.  He would come home and cook and help me out, but then he would turn around and start screaming at me for little things or if I didn't do something that he wanted to do he would make mine and my kids lives miserable.  So I would always make everying nice and smotth things over and give in to him.  Anyway, this went on for a long time and I always thought about my old boyfriend, my first love, and one day, a couple of years ago, I called him and he was home and we talked for a long time.  We eventually met for coffee, never thinking that anything would happen, I don't care what anyone from this message board things, I honestly did not think anything would happen and it did, well my husband ended up finding out and his wife found out and they talked and met and they pretty much talked us into never seeing eachother again because they both wanted to try again.  I did want to try with my husband again, because I felt that I still loved him, but I also felt horrible not talking to my old boyfriend, almost lost and depressed.  I know that some people think that people are sleazy for doing things like this and not that I am using emotional abuse as an excuse but I felt like I needed to talk to someone and I had an outlet through him.  Anyway, my husband and I are going through a divorce now and my old boyfriend did divorce and he is out living on his own.  Well we are dating off and on and he treats me like a queen, but my problem is is I miss my husband at times and I don't know if I am doing the right thing.  I decided to take him back two weeks ago and he started his old stuff again and I felt so depressed and sad about him coming back and not being able to talk to my old boyfriend that when he did his explosion thing I said that's it and he was out again and now we are on our way to divorce, but for some reason I am finding it so hard to let him go.  Its like when I am with him, I know that its not the right thing and I miss my first love, but then when I am without him I miss him.  I am so confused and don't know what to do.  I don't want to screw up my three kids and I feel like I need to do this divorce thing for me and the kids but I just don't know anymore..........any thoughts out there.....I really need help.............

 
April 15, 2007, 2:33 pm CDT

You can't save your marriage by yourself.

Quote From: manuelm

I know My wife is cheating on me but I think she is confused. She told me she wasn't happy but could not say why.

She got in touch with a old boyfriend that is married and lives out of state. The meet to talk and I think he is just using her. He told her he's not happy with his marriage ether but I think he is just using her for a little out of state fun.

I love my wife and I don't think she realized what she was doing. We have a ten year old son who would be devastated.Should I try to save our marrage or just give up.

Have you and your wife discussed saving your marriage? First she needs to stop seeing the old boyfriend. You 2 as a couple have to work together in saving your marriage. You may even consider seeing a therapist together. Talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel about things. Tell her that you need to know how she feels. Take it from there.
 
April 15, 2007, 4:29 pm CDT

Insecure

Women like you are so sad. You are not protecting yourself. You are afraid of being by yourself. So you blame your partner for the things that you are doing wrong. When he leaves you ,you 'll say I was protecting myself. Protecting yourself from cheating is to not get involed seriously with someone, stay by yourself. Then only you can hurt yourself. I do not not feel sorry for you because you can control what you do and feel. You need to get a life and stop beening a snoop. Love yourself first.
 
April 15, 2007, 8:38 pm CDT

It is confusing

I, like some others on here, recently started talking to my ex- and first love again. We dated back in highschool in '01 for some time. Then he joined the military and every time he came back we were off and on again, but also seeing other people. Then I met my now husband in '03. Me and him weren't even dating, just "seeing each other", and my ex-tried to get back w/ me but I told him no. Now me and my husband have been married for a year and have a 6 mo. old beautiful little girl, and we fight every single day. A few months or so ago, I'm on myspace.com and happened to find his profile on a friend's profile. I felt a flutter in my stomach and contacted him. We continued to talk back and forth via email for while and then stopped until I decided to post a bulletin to all my friends that my husband and I were getting a divorce and that I was back on the market. To my surprise he was one of the first ppl to write me and gave me his phone # and wanted to hang out, despite the fact that he has a "love of his life" girlfriend whom he has been w/ for quite some time I believe. I was so ready to hop on the bandwagon. We ended up hanging out, plus one of my girlfriends, a few weeks ago and he invited me to his house to watch a movie. I declined though because it was approaching me and my husband's one year anniversary that coming morning and it just felt wrong. So I have thought about him a lot and dreamt about him a lot and we've talked back and forth.

He is currently out of state visiting his g/f, but still wants to hang out a lot when he gets back. I think I'm starting to just get weirded out. I'm not a cheater. And i'm not a homewrecker. SHould I just stop talking to him completely? HELP?

Me and my husband are no longer getting a divorce and he leaves for boot camp soon. ADVICE?

 
April 15, 2007, 8:46 pm CDT

MY MESSAGE TO CHRIS

 DEAR CHRIS NO MATTER WHAT YOU AND YOUR EX HAD IN THE PAST YOU ARE MARRIED NOW WITH A KID. IF SHE REALLY LOVED YOU SHE WOULD NEVER WALKED OUT ON YOU THE ONLY REASON SHE IS TRYING TO COME BACK IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A WIFE NOW RIGHT NOW I THINK YOU ARE BOTH CONFUSED AND REALLY NEED TO SIT DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOURE DOING SHE IS REALIZING WHAT SHE HAD BUT NOW IT IS TOO LATE. I THINK YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE HERE...........
 
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