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Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

Number of Replies: 200
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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:15:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame. Kirsten says she believes all men cheat, and therefore she must snoop to protect herself. She checks her boyfriend, Chris', cell phone, bank statements and has even hacked into his e-mail. Chris says he's never given her a reason to believe he's been unfaithful. Should Kirsten be so concerned, or is her out-of-control jealousy going to ruin this relationship? Then, Kelynn and Laurie had been married nine months, and she was expecting their first child when he ran into his first love and realized he still had feelings for her. Laurie has not been able to get over this and fears it's going to destroy their marriage. And, Lamar is so caught up in his feelings for his first love that he can't even date or look at another woman ... and it's been five years! Will Dr. Phil's surprise finally help him leave the past behind? Share your thoughts here.

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April 25, 2007, 5:52 pm CDT

17 years later

I started my relationship with Richard by us both agreeing to never cheat, and if we decided to move on we were suppose to make sure we told each other before we pursued another relationship. It worked pretty well for me but it took him about ten years to trust me. I remember always trying so hard to earn his trust. I gave up everything, family, friends, myself and my sanity. It worked, I finally convinced him that he could trust me. After time went by I got to a point that I wouldn't talk to him about anything. It seemed no matter the subject he would find something to fuss about. I was slowly going in sane. It would take me forever to tell you everything, although I would if I really thought anyone cared. After going into a financial flush, I still hung in there. He had no clue how miserable I was because if I tried to tell, him he would convince me it was all my fault and I had no right to complain. It wasn't worth arguing over anymore.  I met someone who I thought would take me away from my living nightmare, and of course matters only go worse. I told Richard one week after meeting this someone that I wanted a divorce. He was shocked. Nobody else was. I would complain about him to anyone who knew me.   I think if I could do it all over I would do things differantly. But we all know that can never happen. With a narrccist once you open a door like this you can never go back. Although I wanted to a few times, but I always new better. I still love Richard but I hated the fact I could never see any love in his eyes. He was always angry. He pleaded for me to stay, he told me how wonderful I was and how he realized how he overlooked caring for my heart. He still had no love in his eyes for me. It looked more like fear. Fear of child support I think. It's been two years and he refuses to give me any money. He is so angry stil and would probably do away with me if he could get by with it. The fact that our children love me is the only reason he deals with it at all. He loves our children and take good care of their needs, but doesn't handle the heart very well but better with them than he was with me. I had stopped working in January 1991 when out daughter was born. When I asked for a divorce I was still dependant and thought that he would help me because I had always been a good wife and mother. He was a christian man after all. Ha!!!!! He would spit on me if he could, He hates me and guess he always will. My honesty kicked me in the ass. And I now know if you have no money in guilford county, nc you have no rights.  He manipulated me to sleep with him even though I made it clear I wasn't staying. He begged me and harrassed me to the point I slept with him clarifying that he new I no longer wanted to be his wife. Because I felt bad for him and slept with him to avoid ridicule and harrassment, He now told everyone that I had committed adultery. He told my 9 year old son that the bible said I should be put to death. So much for telling the truth!! Although I could never lie to him about this. I can't handle the emotional turmoil of lieing and keeping up with it. The truth is a more peacefull way to live, well most of the time..
 
April 25, 2007, 10:14 pm CDT

Married at 19

Dr. Phil,

 

My husband and I started dating when he was 17 and I was 15, high school sweethearts if you may.  We continued our relationship and married when he was 21 and I was 19.  We have been happily married now for 15 years and have three beautiful children.  I am still very much in love with my husband and I just wanted to tell you this in response to a comment made on your show about why you shouldn't get married at 19.  We are proof that if two people value a covenant between one another, you can work through anything!

 
April 25, 2007, 11:35 pm CDT

First Love...

I was 11 when I encountered my first love J, our parents were friends and I became a part of his family, his little sister was my beast friend and still is to this day. We of course had what our parents refered to as "Puppy Love". I moved to a different state after a couple of years, but it was more than a crush we remained infatuated with each other all through High School visiting each other in the summers. He was my first kiss, first makeout, and my first relationship. We had planned to get married after high school, he wanted to be intimate and I wanted to wait.  Well after highschool we lost touch for a short time and life took us on our own paths. I was going through a rough time in a relationship and went to visit my aunt and low and behold I ran into my first love we hanged out the entire time I was visiting and it seemed we picked up right were we left off "SPARKS FLEW". Well we made love for first time and he lost his virginity to me. (Ironic), but I decided to work things out with my boyfriend, I had a baby a year later with my boyfriend, we ended up splitting up.  In 2002 I attended his sisters wedding I was the maid of honor, I knew I would see J there and I fully intened to let him know I still had feelings for him. But I discovered he had a finance, now I will admit his sister and I tried our best to talk him out of it but in the end I couldn't do that to him because I wanted J to be happy and he seemed like he was. I was so extremely jelaous. I went home so dissapointed but as it does life goes on... I had a second child, then a third child and married. J and I kept in touch occasionally just to check in with other and say hello. My husband was very abusive and kept me trapped for the past three years of my life, I had been through some tough times and alienated my family. I finally was presented with the chance to escape having no where to go I called J on a whim because I needed advice and I trusted him. well I ended on his door step children in tow. We had not seen each other in 4 years he had been divorced for almost a year. My children and I have been with J for the past 6 months and let me tell you I have been rescued from hell and delivered in heaven. I am now pursuing a divorce from my husband and planning to move on with my life. J is my best friend and greatest  companion he is a nverending fountian of strentgh, support, guidance, and love for my children and I. I have never seen my children so happy and alive. I truly believe we are KINDERED SPIRITS and we have been running into each other all these past years , for us to end where we are now...Who knows what the future holds but I know God blessed the broken road that lead us to each other.

 

So here is a toast to your first love and the impact it can hold over your life...

 
April 26, 2007, 1:48 pm CDT

Kristen was great

Quote From: danielle_22

I agree with Kirsten. I think it is very disrespectful when your "so called man" looks at another woman. I don't even let my fiance watch the show "Girls Next Door" with the Playboy Playmates as the main characters. He drools over that show, and it makes me angry. We also got in a huge fight because he accepted a job as a High School girls softball coach. I am completely on your side KIRSTEN!!!

You need to be happy for you! Stop worring about what others think... It is all about you... I'm glad you did what you did to make things right. You look good and don't worry about the little things in life and every thing is small stuff... Get with a man who is true to u and u alone.

 

 

Lots of props for getting up and standing up for your self...

 

Redd

 
April 26, 2007, 10:28 pm CDT

Past Loves

Well I understand about past girlfriends, my husband always thought of his first girlfriend but she was always in the back of his mind then boom, i signed us up to classmates.com then boom even though she didnt graduate from there she put herself in that class group, and then she started emailing my hubby. At first it was friendly then it turned sexual they had heated conservations and webcam chats. She thought my man was going to leave me for her because that is what she was told so she drove down here to Texas her excuse to me was that she was moving closer to be near her children ( now I know the truth I mean she was never a mother to those girls in over 8 years now she wants to be) So she came to our house and at first everything is ok, but  i have my doubts that I am being told the truth. He keeps reassuring me that he justs wants to be friends with her. Well in the long run she put a very bad strain on my marriage, he did cheat on me and slept with her only once but it was here who threw it in my face. I was in a leg cast at that time if not I would of had someone to peel me off from her I would have loved to open up a can of whoopa** on her. she told him if he choose her she would take care of him he was unable to work at that time, she would work three jobs to support him. I told them both if he choose her they would have to find a place to live cause this was my house. I worked too hard for this house, in fact I would burn it down before I would let her fata** move into my house. She told me that I would never end her and his friendship.  Well eventually things cooled off he didnt talk with her after i gave him time to make his choice but he told me he didnt need any time cause he loved me and he was very sorry  for hurting me like he did. We went thru some therapy and after some time i forgave him (I never forgot) We didnt hear from her for some time then again she started calling only to let him know she is now happily married and that she was going thru some back  surgery. I dont wish any bad luck not even on my worst enemies so we both wished her well now she continues to call about 2-4 times a month just to check on my hubby with his recent health problems. Now her hubby wants us all to go out to eat when they pass  thru town but she doesnt want any type of contact with me, so she makes excuses. I am willing to make the effort cause I am the better person, but apparently she is not. She told my hubby abotu a few weeks ago that she cared alot about him and part of her still loves him and if her ever wanted a realtionship with her just let her know, but he better not have sex with anyone else besides me or she cant be with him. Now is that crazy--I want to tell ehr hubby but mine says to leave it alone. He tells her that in no way will he leave me or his children to be with her he only wants to be friends if she cant accept this then she needs to move on and never contact him again. I really love my hubby and he loves me we have both been thru so much with each other, that we cant see ourselves apart from each other.
 
April 29, 2007, 9:13 pm CDT

What to do

yesterday we got in an argument me and my newlywed husband because my three year old thatis not his was playing with a toy to hard and i was up stairs i just came down and asked why he was crying and why he ahd been yelling and he got in my face pushed me and grabbed me and shook me.. Then he pushed me...

I dont know waht to do both our kids were there and my three year old saw everything he says chris mean to you mommy or he wantes to go to my moms all the time.. i love this guy but i do not know what to do

 
May 6, 2007, 3:30 pm CDT

Tough call.....

Quote From: mhfoster

The only difference being, nothing my XGF can say will help me get over her.

 

I guess part of the problem is that we've tried so hard to stay friends since the breakup, and although she's moved on, I've remained in the friendship with the ulterior motives of getting her back. A year later, I am realizing that as good as we were together, and as great a guy as I was to her (by her own admission, as well), it's over. I don't think I can be just' her friend, when she starts seeing other people. Yet I can't bring myself to sever our ties. I just love her so much, and I'm still in love with her (and she knows this). I have zero desire to meet anyone else, and frankly, I'm such a mess, I don't think I ever will. So I'm resigning myself to losing her completely, and spending the rest of my life with this huge broken heart, getting more and more depressed and bitter and sad. I am very much a loner anyways, so I don't have any social life to speak of; it's very difficult to have absolutely no one to share anything with, not just for the last year, but for every day for the rest of my life. I'm only 37, and I just see fifty years of abject loneliness ahead of me, while I wait for her to come back to me- but she won't.

I just have no hope of ever being with anyone ever again, and really, have no interest if it's not her.

I was touched by your message, and I know exactly how you have been feeling because I am very similar in nature, and have been dealing with stuff myself. The burning question however, is, DO YOU WISH FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS - EVER?!? It seems that you are in touch with the situation, and are aware of the futility of any sort of reconciliation, despite the personal pain it has been causing....I'm guessing this break-up is fairly recent?.....

 

I do not wish to trivialize your current situation, but it just sounds as though you're the kind of man who thrives in a relationship, and to deprive YOURSELF(and potential love interest) of all the good stuff life and love can offer just seems like a waste...you are young, attractive (good photo) you express yourself well,  and it sounds as though you have a gentle soul - qualities desirable to anyone in their right mind! I know you have made it clear that you have "resigned" yourself from any future love relationships - and maybe you see this person as your true soul mate - I wouldn't know - but I do know however,  how difficult it can be to move forward from a past love - especially when you are neither shallow or  have found no real closure!

 

By writing this message, I don't know if you are looking for someone to support your decision to never move forward, or for a practical solution to escaping from the maze you are now in...but it sounds as though you are definitely miserable, and I sincerely hope that you can find an "out" from the torture you seem to be inflicting upon yourself.

 

I know all too well what it feels like to have no hope - but the  reality is that there actually is hope for you to love again and to be loved in return - just not with your xgf. I guess life is a series of choices - even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I just hope that you can dig yourself out of this situation that has clearly hobbled your desire to be part of something that brings light to your quality of life...

 

***** I would be more than happy to chat with you further about this - if you want. I am a great listener, and I think I can offer some sound insight  - if that's what you are needing. At the very least, you will  have my full support:) *****

 
May 10, 2007, 9:39 am CDT

REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss OR Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin AND The Professional Bachelor Dating Guide - How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Dr Brett Tate

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR The Angry Heart by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

 

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn Collins

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

 

There are relationships, marriages, and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can learn to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
June 9, 2007, 12:59 pm CDT

don't know to trust him or not

 me and my husband  have been separted for over a year know.all of a sudden he wants to see me and our son. i don't know what to think about it at all? how do you know if he wants to take our son and run or if there is something else is up. it hard to believe some one that has lied to you so many times in the past,so what would you do !
 
July 19, 2007, 8:19 pm CDT

mistrust in Love

Quote From: manuelm

thanks everyone, I really do think she is unhappy and doesn't know why . I think this boyfriend got to her while she was vulnerable. I am going to tell her this has to stop and we do need to go to counseling. I failed to mention I do have prof of the cheating. I am going to tell her as long as we at least try to work things out it will never see the light of day. I am having a talk to her this afternoon. If She seems set on seeing this guy I myself am still going to the therapist to talk at least for my own sanity. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about other people. I know her family knows this guy and never liked him. I worry about her mom (she's in her 80's) It is really going to be a bomb shell.

I have known for sure (got the evidence) 4 days ago. I did confront he with it and she admitted it but said " I didn't want you to find out this way" Thats it. no remorse. I have been keeping it to myself but when ever I am around our friends and family Its kinda like knowing the world is ending tomorrow but you can't tell anyone.

I understand exactly how you feel.  After 22 years of marriage, my wife came to me about a month ago and said it was over, that she wasn't happy and that we had nothing in common.  What a joke!  Our relationship over the last 6 months or so has been distant to say the least, but I chalked it up to a very stressful work situation and long hours trying to get a major nursing facility started from the ground up.  I had been giving her space every day, especially since she would come home tired and grouchy all the time.  But then she started sneaking around and doing things that she never did before, such as having a secret password to log on to the computer, talking to "friends" on her cell phone out of my presence, and doing things such as zipping up her purse and hiding it from me. 

I did some checking on her cell phone calls and found that for the last 6 months she has been calling 2 out of state numbers as much as 10 times a day and also at all hours of the day. 

She has been complaining about having hot flashes and waking up at night, but I think it is an attack of conscience that is doing it.  I found that when she wakes up at night, she sends a text message to her "friend".  I have confronted her about this and have the proof on the phone calls, but she denies it.  I have since found that she registered on classmates.com and has been contacting her high school sweetheart from 32 years ago!  She must think that I am really stupid that I don't know what she is doing.  Unfortunately some of the emails say that she is having a sexual relationship with him and that she has been meeting him half way at some hotel.  I can't believe that this person who i have known for over 24 years is doing this to me.  I have made arrangements for counseling and she has agreed to go.  I have all the emails copied and am waiting for the counseling to drop these on her.  I want to work this out, but if she doesn't agree to be completely honest and admit to what she is doing, it is over. 

Does anyone out there know anything about hormone problems in women who are experiencing menopause?  I also think that she is suffering from empty nest syndrome as  we have one daughter who will start her 2nd year in college, and a son who will  be going away to college this fall.  I am not making excuses for her, but she has made comments in the past about the kids leaving, and what are we going to do.  She turns 50 in a few months, and thinks she is fat and unactractive.  I think that she was looking for some happiness in contacting some old classmates and this guy was a convenient fix.  She remembers how  life was in high school

and is trying to relieve it.  I have been a basket case ever since.  A stranger in my own house.  This person who I love so much has torn my heart out.  I have tried to talk to her, but she says that she is done talking.  So I am thinking that this counseling thing for her will be an excuse that she tried to work it out. 

 
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