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Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:15:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame. Kirsten says she believes all men cheat, and therefore she must snoop to protect herself. She checks her boyfriend, Chris', cell phone, bank statements and has even hacked into his e-mail. Chris says he's never given her a reason to believe he's been unfaithful. Should Kirsten be so concerned, or is her out-of-control jealousy going to ruin this relationship? Then, Kelynn and Laurie had been married nine months, and she was expecting their first child when he ran into his first love and realized he still had feelings for her. Laurie has not been able to get over this and fears it's going to destroy their marriage. And, Lamar is so caught up in his feelings for his first love that he can't even date or look at another woman ... and it's been five years! Will Dr. Phil's surprise finally help him leave the past behind? Share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More April 2007 Show Boards.


 
hlfshadow
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April 15, 2007, 9:49 pm PDT

revenge?

"Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame."  What if you have trouble letting go of a former flame but it's not because you want him back.  It's because you are angry for how he treated you or something he did, something he did to purposely hurt you, something unforgivable?  What if  your intensions are

REVENGE?

Have any of you ever gotten revenge for these reasons?  If so, how?  What was your revenge and how did it turn out?  Did you feel vindicated afterwards?
 
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ag1220
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April 16, 2007, 12:24 am PDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: candygirl55

I, like some others on here, recently started talking to my ex- and first love again. We dated back in highschool in '01 for some time. Then he joined the military and every time he came back we were off and on again, but also seeing other people. Then I met my now husband in '03. Me and him weren't even dating, just "seeing each other", and my ex-tried to get back w/ me but I told him no. Now me and my husband have been married for a year and have a 6 mo. old beautiful little girl, and we fight every single day. A few months or so ago, I'm on myspace.com and happened to find his profile on a friend's profile. I felt a flutter in my stomach and contacted him. We continued to talk back and forth via email for while and then stopped until I decided to post a bulletin to all my friends that my husband and I were getting a divorce and that I was back on the market. To my surprise he was one of the first ppl to write me and gave me his phone # and wanted to hang out, despite the fact that he has a "love of his life" girlfriend whom he has been w/ for quite some time I believe. I was so ready to hop on the bandwagon. We ended up hanging out, plus one of my girlfriends, a few weeks ago and he invited me to his house to watch a movie. I declined though because it was approaching me and my husband's one year anniversary that coming morning and it just felt wrong. So I have thought about him a lot and dreamt about him a lot and we've talked back and forth.

He is currently out of state visiting his g/f, but still wants to hang out a lot when he gets back. I think I'm starting to just get weirded out. I'm not a cheater. And i'm not a homewrecker. SHould I just stop talking to him completely? HELP?

Me and my husband are no longer getting a divorce and he leaves for boot camp soon. ADVICE?

Your husband or your ex leave for boot camp soon?

 

Whenever me and my bf are arguing, I always seem to run into my ex.  And I have to admit, I have been tempted to "reconnect", telling myself that I miss him and just want to talk...but I know how unhealthy this is.   You should stop contact with your ex if you are having feelings for him other than friendly...this could only destroy your marriage...and if your marriage is over, then you need time to be alone and sort out what it is you really want out of life and out of a relationship....starting a relationship with someone when you are with someone can only lead to mistrust if you two get together, and you might find yourself in another unhappy relationship.  And you probably only are interested in  him because you are lonely or unhappy in the relationship you are in...Yes, I think you need to think about what would truly make you happy and cheating on your spouse will only make you feel worse in the long run.  Take care of you and your baby...don't worry about some lost love who is in a relationship and is leaving.  He cannot make you feel better....only you can.
 
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ag1220
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April 16, 2007, 12:37 am PDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: raven12

Women like you are so sad. You are not protecting yourself. You are afraid of being by yourself. So you blame your partner for the things that you are doing wrong. When he leaves you ,you 'll say I was protecting myself. Protecting yourself from cheating is to not get involed seriously with someone, stay by yourself. Then only you can hurt yourself. I do not not feel sorry for you because you can control what you do and feel. You need to get a life and stop beening a snoop. Love yourself first.
Maybe her intuition is telling her something...I was with my ex for five years and I acted similar to this....he never knew that i snooped.and I never found anything that would lead me to believe that he was cheating.   I had never acted like this in a relationship before and hated myself for what I was doing....I ended the relationship because I felt like I could not trust him .  After we split up,   I found out that he cheated on me the entire time we were together.  He even carried on relationships with other women while we were together.  His family and friends were so upset with me for leaving him based on a feeling .  I am now in a healthy relationship where thoughts of snooping don't even cross my mind.  I wouldn;t even think of checking his cell or if he goes out without me, I don;t fret the whole time wondering who he is with or what he is doing.  My ex gave me no reason to suspect him of cheating...he was really good at it, but my heart knew somehow.  Sometimes women just know something is wrong...she should either end this relationship or get help with her mania...this is definately not healthy for her, him or the family. 
 
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ag1220
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April 16, 2007, 12:46 am PDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: confused64

 

 

I had been married for fourteen years when I decided to call my "first love".  I had always thought about him because we were so close back when we were kids and he always treated me very nicely.  I started dating my husband at 17 years old and married him when I was 26 and he was 30.  We had a rocky relationship from the beginning, you know the fighting, he had a very bad temper, hit me once, but then never again, anyway we did love eachother very much and did marry.  We always got along very well, especially when we were alone together, more so than when we were around other people, but we still managed to get out with other couples and have fun.  We have three kids and my husband was very good at times, its like he has two personalities.  He would come home and cook and help me out, but then he would turn around and start screaming at me for little things or if I didn't do something that he wanted to do he would make mine and my kids lives miserable.  So I would always make everying nice and smotth things over and give in to him.  Anyway, this went on for a long time and I always thought about my old boyfriend, my first love, and one day, a couple of years ago, I called him and he was home and we talked for a long time.  We eventually met for coffee, never thinking that anything would happen, I don't care what anyone from this message board things, I honestly did not think anything would happen and it did, well my husband ended up finding out and his wife found out and they talked and met and they pretty much talked us into never seeing eachother again because they both wanted to try again.  I did want to try with my husband again, because I felt that I still loved him, but I also felt horrible not talking to my old boyfriend, almost lost and depressed.  I know that some people think that people are sleazy for doing things like this and not that I am using emotional abuse as an excuse but I felt like I needed to talk to someone and I had an outlet through him.  Anyway, my husband and I are going through a divorce now and my old boyfriend did divorce and he is out living on his own.  Well we are dating off and on and he treats me like a queen, but my problem is is I miss my husband at times and I don't know if I am doing the right thing.  I decided to take him back two weeks ago and he started his old stuff again and I felt so depressed and sad about him coming back and not being able to talk to my old boyfriend that when he did his explosion thing I said that's it and he was out again and now we are on our way to divorce, but for some reason I am finding it so hard to let him go.  Its like when I am with him, I know that its not the right thing and I miss my first love, but then when I am without him I miss him.  I am so confused and don't know what to do.  I don't want to screw up my three kids and I feel like I need to do this divorce thing for me and the kids but I just don't know anymore..........any thoughts out there.....I really need help.............

Take time out for you and your kids.  Don't use lonliness and unhappiness by yourself to put you in an unhealthy relationship.  There is a song by the Sundays and one of the songs lyrics is " when you are searching for love, when you are searching for pleasure, how often pain is all you find, but when  you are coasting along and nobodies trying to hard you might turn around and like where you are".  I think this is so true....I am sure that you have love for both of these men. But neither relationship is healthy for you at this time.  No matter how much you miss one of them, you need to take time out and concentrate on  helping you feel better and focus on your children..this is also not healthy for them.  You might find out after some time that you are okay on your own.  Sure you might get lonely, but seek your children, family, and friends for companionship.  When you are healthy, only then will you be able to have a healthy relationship.  Good luck whatever you decide to do.
 
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housewife52
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April 16, 2007, 5:14 am PDT

Yes, you need to take your ex out of the equation.

Quote From: candygirl55

I, like some others on here, recently started talking to my ex- and first love again. We dated back in highschool in '01 for some time. Then he joined the military and every time he came back we were off and on again, but also seeing other people. Then I met my now husband in '03. Me and him weren't even dating, just "seeing each other", and my ex-tried to get back w/ me but I told him no. Now me and my husband have been married for a year and have a 6 mo. old beautiful little girl, and we fight every single day. A few months or so ago, I'm on myspace.com and happened to find his profile on a friend's profile. I felt a flutter in my stomach and contacted him. We continued to talk back and forth via email for while and then stopped until I decided to post a bulletin to all my friends that my husband and I were getting a divorce and that I was back on the market. To my surprise he was one of the first ppl to write me and gave me his phone # and wanted to hang out, despite the fact that he has a "love of his life" girlfriend whom he has been w/ for quite some time I believe. I was so ready to hop on the bandwagon. We ended up hanging out, plus one of my girlfriends, a few weeks ago and he invited me to his house to watch a movie. I declined though because it was approaching me and my husband's one year anniversary that coming morning and it just felt wrong. So I have thought about him a lot and dreamt about him a lot and we've talked back and forth.

He is currently out of state visiting his g/f, but still wants to hang out a lot when he gets back. I think I'm starting to just get weirded out. I'm not a cheater. And i'm not a homewrecker. SHould I just stop talking to him completely? HELP?

Me and my husband are no longer getting a divorce and he leaves for boot camp soon. ADVICE?

Since you and your husband are no longer getting a divorce, I think you should concentrate on your marriage. Stop seeing your ex. Sometimes it's better to let things remain a fantasy. I don't know if you and your husband can make it work. Since he's going to boot camp, why don't you consider seeing a counselor by yourself. Think about your beautiful baby girl. It's her future too.
 
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kphilips10
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April 16, 2007, 5:54 am PDT

Stronger words than you...

Quote From: raven12

Women like you are so sad. You are not protecting yourself. You are afraid of being by yourself. So you blame your partner for the things that you are doing wrong. When he leaves you ,you 'll say I was protecting myself. Protecting yourself from cheating is to not get involed seriously with someone, stay by yourself. Then only you can hurt yourself. I do not not feel sorry for you because you can control what you do and feel. You need to get a life and stop beening a snoop. Love yourself first.

I agree with you but I would use stronger words.  She is very immature and insecure.  She will never be happy if she feels all men cheat.  All - not even most - men don't cheat.  She is the one who needs help.  If I were her boyfriend I would tell her to take a hike.

 

On another note, he is not her husband but her boyfriend.  As I have said in the past, no ring, no commitment.  She doesn't have a right to snoop anywhere in his life, nor he in hers.  I don't think wives or husbands should be doing this kind of snooping.  If you have so little trust in your spouse, get a new spouse.  I never check my husband's email (and I know his password), bank statement, cell phone, mileage on his car, or anything else.  If I felt the need to do that, I would leave.  Life is just too short to waste the time we have on this kind of thing.  Jealousy is a very energy-consuming emotion and gets you nowhere except alone.
 
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April 16, 2007, 6:17 am PDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: manuelm

I know My wife is cheating on me but I think she is confused. She told me she wasn't happy but could not say why.

She got in touch with a old boyfriend that is married and lives out of state. The meet to talk and I think he is just using her. He told her he's not happy with his marriage ether but I think he is just using her for a little out of state fun.

I love my wife and I don't think she realized what she was doing. We have a ten year old son who would be devastated.Should I try to save our marrage or just give up.

She is NOT confused- she contacted the old boyfriend, knowing he's MARRIED as well "My wife/husband dosen't understand me" is the oldest line in the book, sorry EXCUSE in the book.

I wonder what his wife thinks about his little out of State "Fun ", think about your feelings toward this, his wife is feeling the same way, and is he using her, hell yeah, but she's using him as well.

She knows EXACTLY what she's doing, unless you are willing to live with an open marriage, stop making excuses for her and for yourself.

Do you honestly think your son knows nothing about this ? Children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for, even if he hasn't vocalized it.  So what's better for him, sure Mom and Dad working at getting the marriage back on track, but first YOU have to STOP excusing her behavior, in lieu of that, he wouldn't be the first child (God knows) of divorced parents, and the good Doc says himself, "children would rather come from a broken home than LIVE in one. "
 
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April 16, 2007, 8:31 am PDT

Confused64

Quote From: ag1220

Take time out for you and your kids.  Don't use lonliness and unhappiness by yourself to put you in an unhealthy relationship.  There is a song by the Sundays and one of the songs lyrics is " when you are searching for love, when you are searching for pleasure, how often pain is all you find, but when  you are coasting along and nobodies trying to hard you might turn around and like where you are".  I think this is so true....I am sure that you have love for both of these men. But neither relationship is healthy for you at this time.  No matter how much you miss one of them, you need to take time out and concentrate on  helping you feel better and focus on your children..this is also not healthy for them.  You might find out after some time that you are okay on your own.  Sure you might get lonely, but seek your children, family, and friends for companionship.  When you are healthy, only then will you be able to have a healthy relationship.  Good luck whatever you decide to do.

 I may not be what other people think giving you the best advice, but here goes-I think you need to go through with the divorce from your husband and get that over with.  I lived in a bad marraige for 12 yrs.  I left several times; and went back thinking I could make it work: well guess what, it takes 2 PEOPLE TO MAKE IT WORK!!!  No matter how hard you try, it doesn't sound like he really is-it sounds like all he wants to do is control you so you are not happy with your former boyfriend, or anyone-even with yourself and your children.  Its a case of control big time; and he has it all!!!  My daughters husband did the same to her until she stood up and told him she wasn't going to take it anymore; that and his alcoholism.  Then he threatened to blow her brains out; light their home on fire; and everything else, because he had lost control!  He smashed EVERYTHING in their home-and when i say everything, I do mean everything! 
Please do not let it go that far for you.  Make up your mind and get your divorce; before things do get out of hand someday.  I'm not saying jump completely into another relationship right off the bat; but having someone close to surely does help!!  I know that from experience.
Good luck to you honey; I'm 51 and I suffer from Major Depression; and Extreme Anxiety Disorder w/ Agoraphobia; and Post Tramatic Stress Disorder-and alot of that is due to the fact I did NOT get out when I should have; especially the PTSD!!
I hope things go well for you.  You can write if you like.
heren48@excite.com
 
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manofgoods
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April 16, 2007, 10:39 am PDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Here's what I don't get & I'm sorry if this has nothing to do with this topic. Why do people keep having children by someone who's married (or have kids by someone who's married but are married themselves?)? Usually, It's mostly women who have kids by married men. If they want to have a kid by a man, why not have a kid by someone who's divorced or single (like myself)? I would wish that all those single women would wake up & realize that it's not worth it.
 
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thompsbj
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April 16, 2007, 12:03 pm PDT

Cut your losses

I'm just a big supporter of cut your losses sometimes.

 

Why do people think they can control someone to stay with them?  People do what they do.  We love, we trust.  The right person for you will still let you down sometimes, but there's no need to look for it.

 

I'm first time married at 42.  Are we perfect? No, we fight.  We chose to be together an stay committed to that.  It is just too much of a waste of time to look for the bad in each other.  Pick your battles, and enjoy your life.

 

If you can't be an emotional adult to the partner in your life, stop screwing up their life and move on.  I don't see where any amount of counseling will help someone who thinks this way.

 

I just don't think you can change them.  And I wish women would stop getting pregnant in hopes that it will make him stay.  It's embarrassing to the rest of us.
 
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