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Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:15:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame. Kirsten says she believes all men cheat, and therefore she must snoop to protect herself. She checks her boyfriend, Chris', cell phone, bank statements and has even hacked into his e-mail. Chris says he's never given her a reason to believe he's been unfaithful. Should Kirsten be so concerned, or is her out-of-control jealousy going to ruin this relationship? Then, Kelynn and Laurie had been married nine months, and she was expecting their first child when he ran into his first love and realized he still had feelings for her. Laurie has not been able to get over this and fears it's going to destroy their marriage. And, Lamar is so caught up in his feelings for his first love that he can't even date or look at another woman ... and it's been five years! Will Dr. Phil's surprise finally help him leave the past behind? Share your thoughts here.

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April 16, 2007, 1:44 pm CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: ceildh1

She is NOT confused- she contacted the old boyfriend, knowing he's MARRIED as well "My wife/husband dosen't understand me" is the oldest line in the book, sorry EXCUSE in the book.

I wonder what his wife thinks about his little out of State "Fun ", think about your feelings toward this, his wife is feeling the same way, and is he using her, hell yeah, but she's using him as well.

She knows EXACTLY what she's doing, unless you are willing to live with an open marriage, stop making excuses for her and for yourself.

Do you honestly think your son knows nothing about this ? Children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for, even if he hasn't vocalized it.  So what's better for him, sure Mom and Dad working at getting the marriage back on track, but first YOU have to STOP excusing her behavior, in lieu of that, he wouldn't be the first child (God knows) of divorced parents, and the good Doc says himself, "children would rather come from a broken home than LIVE in one. "

thanks everyone, I really do think she is unhappy and doesn't know why . I think this boyfriend got to her while she was vulnerable. I am going to tell her this has to stop and we do need to go to counseling. I failed to mention I do have prof of the cheating. I am going to tell her as long as we at least try to work things out it will never see the light of day. I am having a talk to her this afternoon. If She seems set on seeing this guy I myself am still going to the therapist to talk at least for my own sanity. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about other people. I know her family knows this guy and never liked him. I worry about her mom (she's in her 80's) It is really going to be a bomb shell.

I have known for sure (got the evidence) 4 days ago. I did confront he with it and she admitted it but said " I didn't want you to find out this way" Thats it. no remorse. I have been keeping it to myself but when ever I am around our friends and family Its kinda like knowing the world is ending tomorrow but you can't tell anyone.

 
April 16, 2007, 5:32 pm CDT

"I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE MAD

I'm 33 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19 years old, we had our first daughter  when I was 17.For several years we fought all the time because he was jealous.I don't think people realize that  the mistrust of your partner doesn't just hurt feelings it kills the spirit.I had always been an extremely happy person,until accusations brought me lower than I thought I could get and alot of it was that he thought if i wasn't jealous then I didn't love him,after about 13 years he finally realized that the only person that could truly make him happy was him and that my motto "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE MAD" isn't because I don't  have time for him it is because I love to laugh, and if I'm mad,sad or crying I can't be happy or laughing and without laughter there would be no reason for life.So for everyone in a relationship go watch americas funniest videos and remember you must give to receive.               
 
April 16, 2007, 6:20 pm CDT

Revenge....

Quote From: hlfshadow

"Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame."  What if you have trouble letting go of a former flame but it's not because you want him back.  It's because you are angry for how he treated you or something he did, something he did to purposely hurt you, something unforgivable?  What if  your intensions are

REVENGE?

Have any of you ever gotten revenge for these reasons?  If so, how?  What was your revenge and how did it turn out?  Did you feel vindicated afterwards?

"Hi hlfshadow"

 

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from - Oh boy do I ever!!....

 

 I do have a few questions for you however:  Are you referring to getting even with just words, or are you hellbent on actually doing something to him?!? How long have you and your ex been apart? Do you have mutual friends?

 

I'm asking because seeking vindication thru physical actions(ie. slashing tires, messing with telephone calls and computer related interferrence ETC.....) can and often does lead to a mountain of trouble for the doer, more so than the reciever, and  can get out of hand VERY QUICKLY!! - especially if your ex has very aggressive tendencies!  Furthermore, if you were treated badly, it seems that responding aggressively would put you on the same dirt level as your ex. I KNOW its incredibly frustrating - and I UNDERSTAND that you are seeking out some form of levelling, but try to remember the saying,"REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD"  (as in giving him the cold shoulder and all that is associated with this ACTION!!!!)

 

I have experienced the same state of mind as you are in right now,  and my personal vindication was found by calling him out on his sh**** and not caring whether it bruised his ego. I knew I was right - so did he, and his friends....!! It wasn't so much revenge, as a long overdue ass wupin!!

 

You may be really anxious to "do" something, and I just have to give you a freindly warning - Don't call out what you can't put down...

 

 

 

 

 
April 18, 2007, 4:09 pm CDT

still trying to understand why

I want to thank every one for their input. I have had both positive and negative responses.  I really do think she is unhappy and confused and doesn't know why. I think this boyfriend got to her while she was vulnerable. She told me he is unhappy in his marriage and his wife knows. I told her she does not know his wife and she is only hearing what he is telling her. My wife then told me she trusts him. I reminded her that I trusted her. I am going to tell her this has to stop and we do need to go to counseling. I failed to mention I do have prof of the cheating. I am going to tell her as long as we at least try to work things out it will never see the light of day. I am having a talk to her this afternoon. If She seems set on seeing this guy I myself am still going to the therapist to talk at least for my own sanity. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about other people.  I worry about her mom (she's in her 80's) It is really going to be a bomb shell.

I have known for sure (got the evidence) 4 days ago. I did confront her with it and she admitted it but said " I didn't want you to find out this way" Thats it. no remorse. I have been keeping it to myself but when ever I am around our friends and family Its kinda like knowing the world is ending tomorrow but you can't tell anyone.

 
April 19, 2007, 4:23 pm CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: manuelm

I want to thank every one for their input. I have had both positive and negative responses.  I really do think she is unhappy and confused and doesn't know why. I think this boyfriend got to her while she was vulnerable. She told me he is unhappy in his marriage and his wife knows. I told her she does not know his wife and she is only hearing what he is telling her. My wife then told me she trusts him. I reminded her that I trusted her. I am going to tell her this has to stop and we do need to go to counseling. I failed to mention I do have prof of the cheating. I am going to tell her as long as we at least try to work things out it will never see the light of day. I am having a talk to her this afternoon. If She seems set on seeing this guy I myself am still going to the therapist to talk at least for my own sanity. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about other people.  I worry about her mom (she's in her 80's) It is really going to be a bomb shell.

I have known for sure (got the evidence) 4 days ago. I did confront her with it and she admitted it but said " I didn't want you to find out this way" Thats it. no remorse. I have been keeping it to myself but when ever I am around our friends and family Its kinda like knowing the world is ending tomorrow but you can't tell anyone.

 I'll bet she didn't want you to find out any way. And, is only sorry she got caught. Is what she did a deal-breaker? Maybe  not, since you're willing to work things out. But, if she isn't, and continues cheating,  that's a deal=breaker. And, needs to be shown the curb.
 
April 19, 2007, 4:27 pm CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: manofgoods

Here's what I don't get & I'm sorry if this has nothing to do with this topic. Why do people keep having children by someone who's married (or have kids by someone who's married but are married themselves?)? Usually, It's mostly women who have kids by married men. If they want to have a kid by a man, why not have a kid by someone who's divorced or single (like myself)? I would wish that all those single women would wake up & realize that it's not worth it.
 Why not  marry a man before having his kids?
 
April 19, 2007, 11:49 pm CDT

AMEN!!!!

Quote From: ramair

 Why not  marry a man before having his kids?
Short and oh so too the point! No one could have said that any better!!!
 
April 20, 2007, 4:28 am CDT

love can do strange things

Quote From: labella226

I don't blame women for being so suspicious about their new love.  Once a woman has been cheated on or lied to, it is extremely hard to trust anyone anymore.  Unfortunately, the new person in your life has to suffer the consequences of not being trusted until he can really prove himself.  Yes, it is very difficult to forget a deep love you once had, in fact, I don't think a person ever gets over that one deep love of her life even though she is not with him anymore.  I feel the hurt goes deeper than the heart at that point and when it comes to trusting anymore, I know I can't trust anyone anymore even if the man did nothing for me to feel that way, as I said, unfortunately the new one gets the brunt of the past relationship.

I totally agree that once cheated on it is hard to trust again. I totally disagree that the new person in your life has to suffer the consequences of not being trusted, thats garbage.

I was a young woman  who totally did not trust her boyfriend and imagined that he was cheating on me. I made his life a pure hell for a few years.

I never even was cheated on before  by any one my self esteem was so non existent I could not fathom any one being faithful to me.

Did he have anything to prove to me? Absolutely not, did he suffer the consequences of my own fears and insecurities, oh yes he paid dearly until he could not take any more and left me.

Have I ever been cheated on, yup by my second boy friend, right in my own bed for Pete's sake! Was I mad? hell yea, the door slammed him on the but so hard he probably still bears a bruise on his behind to this day lol.

However, I met my husband of 12 years have never been happier, we talk openly and candidly with each other about how we feel about numerous topics, including cheating. Both I and my husband have been cheated on by former partners, but does that mean we supervise each other, heck no, I trust him and he trusts me unless one of us breaks that trust thats the way its going to be. I most certainly won't put my husband through the hell I put my first love through!

I most certainly will not make him pay for another mans mistake!

This was a process, granted, However, by the time I did meet my husband I knew I has some taking care of business to do, my own because if I couldn't manage my own business I sure had no right minding some one else's.

 

 

 

 
April 20, 2007, 5:22 am CDT

still trying

Quote From: manuelm

I want to thank every one for their input. I have had both positive and negative responses.  I really do think she is unhappy and confused and doesn't know why. I think this boyfriend got to her while she was vulnerable. She told me he is unhappy in his marriage and his wife knows. I told her she does not know his wife and she is only hearing what he is telling her. My wife then told me she trusts him. I reminded her that I trusted her. I am going to tell her this has to stop and we do need to go to counseling. I failed to mention I do have prof of the cheating. I am going to tell her as long as we at least try to work things out it will never see the light of day. I am having a talk to her this afternoon. If She seems set on seeing this guy I myself am still going to the therapist to talk at least for my own sanity. Unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about other people.  I worry about her mom (she's in her 80's) It is really going to be a bomb shell.

I have known for sure (got the evidence) 4 days ago. I did confront her with it and she admitted it but said " I didn't want you to find out this way" Thats it. no remorse. I have been keeping it to myself but when ever I am around our friends and family Its kinda like knowing the world is ending tomorrow but you can't tell anyone.

For pity's sake. I was reading the posts and I feel bad that you are going through this.

Yes you wife may be unhappy, perhaps even confused. However, to string you along until she makes up her mind is deplorable. If she seems set on seeing this guy see her to the door with bags packed a well wished on her future with out you.

she is a fool on a fools errand.

I feel sorry for the wife of this fella as well. It is atrocious to me how two adult individuals can so flagrantly disregard peoples feeling and well being  all because they allowed their hormones to get the best of them, sheesh!

It seems you are hopeful of working through this, thats your prerogative, but it only takes a few seconds to make up your mind. Either she ends it or she doesn't. Trying to string you along  just in case it doesn't work, who cares about the destruction and pain it causes is deplorable.

As far as I'm concerned when she cheated with that man she ended any commitments and broke the sanctity of your marriage vows, simply put the marriage ended.

Ditto for the man she cheated with.

All that is left to do is what your doing get compassionate and understanding help from a professional to help you deal with the devestation she and that man have wreaked on yours and you sons life!

 

 
April 20, 2007, 5:53 am CDT

What does that do to the kid?

Quote From: ramair

 Why not  marry a man before having his kids?
I agree.  What does it say to the kid when the dad (or mom) is married to someone else and has this whole other family?  That would feel kinda weird to me.  I would want my kid ideally with someone I married to give them a constant dad in their life as a gift to them.
 
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