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Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:15:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame. Kirsten says she believes all men cheat, and therefore she must snoop to protect herself. She checks her boyfriend, Chris', cell phone, bank statements and has even hacked into his e-mail. Chris says he's never given her a reason to believe he's been unfaithful. Should Kirsten be so concerned, or is her out-of-control jealousy going to ruin this relationship? Then, Kelynn and Laurie had been married nine months, and she was expecting their first child when he ran into his first love and realized he still had feelings for her. Laurie has not been able to get over this and fears it's going to destroy their marriage. And, Lamar is so caught up in his feelings for his first love that he can't even date or look at another woman ... and it's been five years! Will Dr. Phil's surprise finally help him leave the past behind? Share your thoughts here.

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April 20, 2007, 6:42 am CDT

4/20 Mistrust in love

My husband and I have been happily married for over 31 years.  During all these years we have pointed out attractive members of the opposite sex to each other especially at the beach...he points out all the guys in Speedos to me.

 

A long time ago on a vacation to the beach with my in-laws my father-in-law made a comment to me and I have lived by that  comment all these years...he can look all he wants as long as he doesn't touch.  How true, How true.

 

As much as this woman wants to show she is confident I think she is extremely insecure and has to be in control.  She needs to lighten up and enjoy life because life is too short.

 

 
April 20, 2007, 7:17 am CDT

To Kirsten and Chris...

Kirsten,
    I have been through the same thing, over and over, as you are dealing with Chris's internet usage and habits.  My boyfriend's name is also Chris (this could be a "Chris thing"), and about 2 years ago,  he was spending a lot of time instant messaging this screen name of a person he would not tell me the name of. I got excuses like "They're just an old friend; someone I went to high school with", or "It's no one that should concern you". It took a four day fight and me almost leaving him for him to tell me it was this girl Christina he went to high school with. I took that as his answer, until one day I went into his e-mail and found out it was his ex-girlfriend Billie that he had been talking to, not this Christina girl. He had lied to me, for almost 9 months about who it as he was talking to. I firmly believe that if he wasn't hiding something, then he wouldn't have felt obligated to lie to me about who the person was behind the screen name. The result of me finding out that he had lied was not a good one. So on a regular basis, since then, I have hacked to find out his email, myspace, IM, online gaming, and various other passwords of his and I religiously check these accounts of his. It's time consuming and tiring...but I feel I have to do it because if he won't tell me then I have to protect myself from being the same blind idiot I was in the 9 months he had previously lied to me. I am not blind, and I am not an idiot. But now I am just protective of myself. I think of it as being self-sufficient. Not obsessive; not back stabbing; not breaking privacy. If he had cared about his privacy, he wouldn't have lied to begin with. I don't see Chris as someone who is capable of cheating; he is very faithful to our upcoming new family (I am expecting a child in November), and I don't think his relations with his ex-girlfriend went any farther than internet contact. She would regularly come into his work, follow him outside when he went to smoke a cigarette at work, purposely position herself in a place at his work where she could see him at all times; purposely wait in his line just to talk to him while she bought the soda she only needed to have contact with him....but I came along and she would usually leave. He has gotten to the point where I mention her and his answer is "I don't care what she does"; and I don't think it's a front. I have made it possible in every way to block her from having any internet contact with him whatsoever and I regularly check to make sure he hasn't changed those settings - and he hasn't. So men aren't totally hopeless. Just a little bit. However, this situation he put me in did make me even more of what he referred to as obsessive when it came to him having contact with other females. He really isn't allowed to have contact with other females without my prior approval and without involving me the "friendship". He also knows that it was his actions that led to my expectation of his relations with other females. So make it known to your Chris that now that he has made the commitment to be with you that it is now a two way street. Everything he does affects you in one way or another, and the same goes for you. Neither one of you can do anything without making some sort of impact on the other. He needs to start thinking of you before he thinks of himself. And I am sure you think of him before thinking of yourself - or at least you did before you found out what he was doing behind your back. There is a way to get past this - if there wasn't - I wouldn't be carrying Chris's baby right now. Chris just doesn't know I regularly check his internet accounts - he knows I have the passwords and it was a losing battle for him to keep changing them because I always had a way of knowing what they were. I do these things because it eases my mind and stress as far as it's all concerned. As I said, he lost his right to internet privacy when he lied to me - so I don't see it as going behind his back. I hope my story helps you.

Good Luck,
Amanda
 
April 20, 2007, 7:41 am CDT

For Kirsten

On behalf of us "breeders", let me thank you for NOT joining the ranks of the nasty, filthy birthers.  Your statement showed your blatant contempt for motherhood, and we are so appreciative you have decided against such a demanding career; it is way too much of a job for the likes of you to handle.  Anyway, any child you bring up would be paranoid and know their mother only loved them when she thought they weren't betraying her or loved her and only her.  I can't begin to express my happiness at the news of your choice to be barren.  For that, I thank you.

 

P.S.  The term "breeder" is an offensive term, in case you were too dense to know that.  It refers to people as mindless reproducing animals and was originally given as a stereotypical description of welfare mothers who had three or more children in order to "get a check".  In this day and age, a person like yourself should educate herself on proper verbal etiquette.  I promise you, referring to your co-worker in that fashion could get you fired.

 
April 20, 2007, 8:56 am CDT

This story is about me also but...

Quote From: imldsru12

  My near obsession with my high school sweetheart, who also happened to be 'my first' nearly cost my marriage.  After we graduated we went our separate ways.  He married, I married and we all lived happily ever after, or so I thought.    I hadn't seen him or had any contact with him from 1983 until 2000.  One day out of the blue I literally ran right into him at an ice cream social.  That day I had happened to have had an argument with my husband, so I was pretty ticked...and I ran into my first love. 

  Of course I was practically hyperventilating!  I always had thought about him, cared about him, etc.... But I always kept the flame way on the back burner.

  The day I ran into him he says, "I have missed you so much!  Not a day's gone by that I haven't thought about you.  Every time my wife have a problem, I catch myself always wishing I would have just married you...."  You can imagine that is just what I needed and wanted to hear.

  Boy, I tell ya', if I would have known the turmoil and grief our little reconnection would cause, I would have said, "Nice to see you.  Take care, gotta go."  I would have ran so fast and far in the opposite direction........

  But nooooo!  He had me "hook, line and sinker".  What a mess.

 We have been friends for 20 yrs, we were both married young to other people. His 1st marrriage lasted 5 yrs and then he called me - I was still married so it was just a friendly call. He got remarried and called me again 5 yrs later telling me all these feelings he has and etc... I too have (had) the same feelings but have put them aside for my family - being married for over 10 yrs now.

but there are issues in the marriages and every time we talk the what if comes up. We are both married to other people but still in love with each other.

I need help please. I want to continue to be friends, but work things out with my marriage or i want to start over -- I dont know what I want:(
 
April 20, 2007, 9:19 am CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: lifeluver

I'm 33 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19 years old, we had our first daughter  when I was 17.For several years we fought all the time because he was jealous.I don't think people realize that  the mistrust of your partner doesn't just hurt feelings it kills the spirit.I had always been an extremely happy person,until accusations brought me lower than I thought I could get and alot of it was that he thought if i wasn't jealous then I didn't love him,after about 13 years he finally realized that the only person that could truly make him happy was him and that my motto "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE MAD" isn't because I don't  have time for him it is because I love to laugh, and if I'm mad,sad or crying I can't be happy or laughing and without laughter there would be no reason for life.So for everyone in a relationship go watch americas funniest videos and remember you must give to receive.               

I have the same motto - since tragedy struck my family.  I lost a brother who lived on Maui - when I went there to see the palm trees planted for him (he was the victim of a shooting - a stray bullet hit him)  I discovered what life REALLY is all about.  Hence the name ... mauilover - I noticed your name had luver too -  it is the only way to live.  I was also married and a mom young.  I'm 37 and have been with my amazing husband for 20 YEARS !!!!!!!  In addition to what you said, another word of advice to the young couple ....

 

Spend as much time with each other and grow your beautiful relationship - because in 20 years... and yes I am there :)   it will be the two of you still.  Friends come and go but through it all - the two of you are still standing, holding hands and loving each other.  Your child (ren) will grow up and then it will still be the two of you - the best gift you can give to each other AND your family.  We welcomed friends into OUR lives but always made sure our relationship was the priority.  You owe it to your child to do this too.

 
April 20, 2007, 9:42 am CDT

I AGREE COMPLETELY

Quote From: housewife52

Since you and your husband are no longer getting a divorce, I think you should concentrate on your marriage. Stop seeing your ex. Sometimes it's better to let things remain a fantasy. I don't know if you and your husband can make it work. Since he's going to boot camp, why don't you consider seeing a counselor by yourself. Think about your beautiful baby girl. It's her future too.
Its true, sometimes things are better left a fantasy. Now that your husband is going away for awhile, it's the perfect time to concentrate on YOU.  Forget about men - its all about you right now GIRL.  I am also a Mom and my beautiful baby girl is now 16 and I'm sitting beside her, in awe, watching her drive down the road!  We have a very good relationship.  Looking back, I am grateful that when I wanted to run.... I didn't.  I have been flirted with and approached pretty much every day of my life.  Its very weird actually.  Sometimes though, if I was mad at my husband, I would be tempted.  BUT I looked at my kids and realized that they deserved better than that.  So I would concentrate even more on my marriage and it worked - boy did it work  :)  Its better now than its ever been.  So... you can do it too. 
 
April 20, 2007, 10:27 am CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: confusedgal

 We have been friends for 20 yrs, we were both married young to other people. His 1st marrriage lasted 5 yrs and then he called me - I was still married so it was just a friendly call. He got remarried and called me again 5 yrs later telling me all these feelings he has and etc... I too have (had) the same feelings but have put them aside for my family - being married for over 10 yrs now.

but there are issues in the marriages and every time we talk the what if comes up. We are both married to other people but still in love with each other.

I need help please. I want to continue to be friends, but work things out with my marriage or i want to start over -- I dont know what I want:(

Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!!!  You absolutely must get him out of your mine.  You have too much to lose.

 

Margo

 
April 20, 2007, 10:50 am CDT

I have this problem....

When i first started dating my girlfriend, we weren't officially together and I saw another woman...   she later found out, and I do not know if she is over it yet, I actually do, she has not gotten over it....  After we were together for a few months, I sensed something wasn't right and I got into her email account...on Yah....  she had been emailing and planning on meeting other guys....  I asked her if she had anything to say to me, and she seemed really apologetic, and I think it stopped....  Recently I was just arriving at her house and the phone rang and she said it was (&((   a friend that hung around before and that he must be back in town...I let my insecurity build up and broke down and looked at her cell and mistook a number and accused her of calling him....I did find his name still in her address list on her cell.... 

 

Needless to say this went from bad to worse real fast and she now says she wants nothing to do with me....  I regret it and am taking steps to fix my insecurity, as it will cause nothing but problems if she ever takes me back....

 

I love her dearly, I hadn't thought about doing anything like that in a long time, but I messed up and Violated, let me repeat Violated her privacy....  I am ashamed and embarrassed by it.....but apologizing has not seemed to help, so now just giving her space.....Hopefully she will see some good things I did, and not focus on this....  

 

She is in the negative state where she uses NEVER AND ALWAYS.....  so not sure if anything can break through that....  things like WE ALWAYS ARGUE....  etc....  We do have some arguments, but not more than anyone else probably.... 

 

so not sure what to do.... 

 
April 20, 2007, 11:28 am CDT

not too young

Hi, let me first off say, i have lots of respect for dr. phil, i think hes usually right, but in the matter that hes saying that couple was too young to be married, i dont agree, i guess maybe it depends on how they were raised or what kind of maturity level they're at. But my husband and i married at 19 and 21. he had been making a good living for himself since he was 16. and i had always lived at home. we had a kid when i was 20 and another one at 21. And no, they were not accidents or whatever u would call them. I never once thought we were too young to be married. we hardly ever fight. if we do just for 3 minutes and its over. we agree on how to raise the kids and i really honestly dont think that we were too young to be married, Were very happy, our kids are growing up happy, we make a good living, and im a housewife, cause i want to raise my kids myself not leave them in daycare. And i have never for one second thought about divorce and im sure he hasnt eitehr, would i cheat on him, never and i totally trust he wouldnt either, i married him and its forever. through better or worse.
 
April 20, 2007, 11:46 am CDT

04/20 Mistrust in Love

dr phil the young couple broke my heart, i mean i sat and watched and listened , there 19 yrs old and already have a child to raise, god that is so young to start a family, i just hope thay took your advice at least they both have a long time to be happy with each other if they do listen to you.
 
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