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Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

Number of Replies: 200
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Created on : Friday, April 13, 2007, 03:15:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Love can make people do funny things, including never letting go of a former flame. Kirsten says she believes all men cheat, and therefore she must snoop to protect herself. She checks her boyfriend, Chris', cell phone, bank statements and has even hacked into his e-mail. Chris says he's never given her a reason to believe he's been unfaithful. Should Kirsten be so concerned, or is her out-of-control jealousy going to ruin this relationship? Then, Kelynn and Laurie had been married nine months, and she was expecting their first child when he ran into his first love and realized he still had feelings for her. Laurie has not been able to get over this and fears it's going to destroy their marriage. And, Lamar is so caught up in his feelings for his first love that he can't even date or look at another woman ... and it's been five years! Will Dr. Phil's surprise finally help him leave the past behind? Share your thoughts here.

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April 13, 2007, 4:30 pm CDT

Lamar...

To Lamar:  Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?  That would seem like emotional torture to me, the pang of unrequited love.  What is the payoff for holding on to this first love?  What is she (or her memory) giving you in return?
 
April 14, 2007, 8:13 am CDT

REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

 

 

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward AND Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland

 

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn Collins

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical abuse has signposts to mark its presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Physical abuse comes in degrees of severity - emotional abuse also runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

 

There are marriages and relationships that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can learn how to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
April 14, 2007, 3:27 pm CDT

Is love the right word to use?

These stories sound like obsession to me. I have a different definition of love than these people.Sometimes I think "love" has become a generic term, used to cover a multitude of transgressions.
 
April 14, 2007, 3:56 pm CDT

This story could be about me...

  My near obsession with my high school sweetheart, who also happened to be 'my first' nearly cost my marriage.  After we graduated we went our separate ways.  He married, I married and we all lived happily ever after, or so I thought.    I hadn't seen him or had any contact with him from 1983 until 2000.  One day out of the blue I literally ran right into him at an ice cream social.  That day I had happened to have had an argument with my husband, so I was pretty ticked...and I ran into my first love. 

  Of course I was practically hyperventilating!  I always had thought about him, cared about him, etc.... But I always kept the flame way on the back burner.

  The day I ran into him he says, "I have missed you so much!  Not a day's gone by that I haven't thought about you.  Every time my wife have a problem, I catch myself always wishing I would have just married you...."  You can imagine that is just what I needed and wanted to hear.

  Boy, I tell ya', if I would have known the turmoil and grief our little reconnection would cause, I would have said, "Nice to see you.  Take care, gotta go."  I would have ran so fast and far in the opposite direction........

  But nooooo!  He had me "hook, line and sinker".  What a mess.

 
April 14, 2007, 3:58 pm CDT

Letting Go of Past Love

  I too have been in a situation where I haven't been able to let go of the one person I truly loved in my life.  It has been ten years now since we split up and we still talk on the phone every month.  We are over 2000 miles apart.  I have moved on in life somewhat, but he stays in the back of my mind and we still talk about one day, some day being together again.  He was very good at drawing me in with the "fairy tale" version of love, he was the "romantic" that women dream of - playing the piano beautifully, saying and doing the sweetest things... and then there was the dark side...the dishonest person, the narcissist.  Every woman knows this type of man. When I dig deeply to think about the relationship, I somehow feel I was brainwashed and the feelings have never gone away.  I guess people who hang on like this, do so in hopes that something will change and things may work out if there is ever another chance.  I have moved on, remarried and take care of my mother who has Alzheimer's and lives with me.  But I still have my dreams... that the man I can't let go of will change and someday maybe we will have another chance. 

 
April 14, 2007, 4:14 pm CDT

wife cheated on me but I want to try to work things out

I know My wife is cheating on me but I think she is confused. She told me she wasn't happy but could not say why.

She got in touch with a old boyfriend that is married and lives out of state. The meet to talk and I think he is just using her. He told her he's not happy with his marriage ether but I think he is just using her for a little out of state fun.

I love my wife and I don't think she realized what she was doing. We have a ten year old son who would be devastated.Should I try to save our marrage or just give up.

 
April 14, 2007, 5:07 pm CDT

get a clue

Quote From: manuelm

I know My wife is cheating on me but I think she is confused. She told me she wasn't happy but could not say why.

She got in touch with a old boyfriend that is married and lives out of state. The meet to talk and I think he is just using her. He told her he's not happy with his marriage ether but I think he is just using her for a little out of state fun.

I love my wife and I don't think she realized what she was doing. We have a ten year old son who would be devastated.Should I try to save our marrage or just give up.

Huh ?  She contacted an old boyfriend and she doesnt know what she is doing ?  Get a clue hun, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing.  SHE is using YOU !  She knows that you know and she has it made - she has you and the boyfriend. Man, what a setup !  Kick her out and keep the kid - GIVE UP and go find a decent woman rather than the sleaze you are married to.  Sorry but it is the truth !
 
April 14, 2007, 5:13 pm CDT

why why why

Why in the world do women get involved with anyone and then sneak around and drive themselves nuts snooping ?  The guys could care less - the women are just hurting themselves.  Get out and be alone for a while, learn to be confident and then and ONLY then will yu find a healthy relationship.  Mistrust and snopping is NOT healthy - funny thing about being alone is that once you do it for awhile then you are less likely to hook up with anyone that is less than what you want and deserve.  I have been happily alone for over 10 years and I date alot but I am picky in who I choose to CONTINUE to date.  No three strikes here - first one and I am gone - and I am durn proud of it too.  I dont give anyone any bull and I refuse to take it
 
April 14, 2007, 6:32 pm CDT

Topic : 04/20 Mistrust in Love

Quote From: susanashe

Why in the world do women get involved with anyone and then sneak around and drive themselves nuts snooping ?  The guys could care less - the women are just hurting themselves.  Get out and be alone for a while, learn to be confident and then and ONLY then will yu find a healthy relationship.  Mistrust and snopping is NOT healthy - funny thing about being alone is that once you do it for awhile then you are less likely to hook up with anyone that is less than what you want and deserve.  I have been happily alone for over 10 years and I date alot but I am picky in who I choose to CONTINUE to date.  No three strikes here - first one and I am gone - and I am durn proud of it too.  I dont give anyone any bull and I refuse to take it

Hey, haven't been on these boards for awhile  :)

 

Anywho, if only it was that easy. I didn't suspect anything suspicious from my hubby til 9 years later. He bulked his muscles up, then had a total turn in attitude. All his new friends are female now and he even flirted while I was there and happily bragged about it (And had her number in his phone too I found out), even did some flirty touching. Found several odd things after that too with different gals. This is all somewhat recent (And I've been trying to deny it)

Not everyone who gets into a relationship knows who they'll eventually end up with.

Unfortunately, I never found out if he's cheating or not, and he denies it, so I put the searching on hold.

 
April 14, 2007, 7:54 pm CDT

I Did the exact same thing and only caused problems

        I am married to a man who can just about talk to anyone and women like that about him. It doesn't help that he is a cab driver either. He meets all kinds of people during the night and they call on him for a ride on future rides.

        I checked his phone, I even hacked into his phones records and saw who he called, who called him, how long they stayed on the phone, what time they talked and even who emailed him. I checked it every night when he went to work.

        I was very suspicious of everything he did, and who can blame me he lied about talking to certain women, he has cheated on me before, so of course I didn't trust him.

        But it was driving me crazy and I didn't like the person I became. He got tired of me knowing every little thing he did so he ran. He left me and my three kids.

        At that point I felt free because I didn't have to snoop around anymore. But after our separation for a little bit he realized he was missing me and wanted to come back home. I had reservations about him coming back because I thought I would have to deal with all that crap again.

        But I decided to lay down guidelines and I also made the decision to wipe the slate clean and give him a fresh start. If you don't decide to just trust him and do your part as a wife your relationship will not work, not only that you will end up hating the person you have become. It will destroy you.

        So you have to make a decision to trust him or leave him. Do one or the other before its too late. Make a decision on what you know you can handle and stick with that decision.  One can save your sanity and the other can save your marriage.

 
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