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Topic : 08/01 Know-It-All In-Laws

Number of Replies: 344
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Created on : Friday, April 20, 2007, 02:37:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/25/07) In-laws can be the kind who give unwanted advice, stop by unexpectedly and use guilt and manipulation to get what they want. But sometimes, they are loving parents who get caught in the middle of their child's relationship. Amanda calls her mother-in-law, Yolande, psychotic, controlling and meddling. She says Yolande speaks to her son, Pierre, in French so she can hide the hurtful words she’s using about Amanda. Yolande says Amanda is a drunk, and an uneducated woman who is wrecking her son's life. Why does Pierre say he can't choose a side? To test Amanda's theory of why Yolande and Pierre speak French to each other, Dr. Phil sets up a "special" dinner for the three of them. Be a fly on the wall, and find out if Amanda's right or just being paranoid. And, John and Chrissy's engagement is on hold because they say they can't stop fighting. They hit and slap each other, and call each other vulgar names — often in front of their 8-month-old son. John's mom, Charlene, who is often pulled into their fights, says they both need to grow up! After watching themselves scream and yell on tape, will this couple decide to drop their fists, close their mouths and work to make a peaceful home for their baby? Join the discussion.

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April 21, 2007, 9:57 am CDT

Know it all does not know enough!

In my "not knowing enough" opinion, the in-law does not know enough about what is going on in the household.  It is not enough to go on assumptions or "hear-say" because they both can be squewed.  It is so easy to go forward on "half-truths" because of the concern and love for your child.  But doing so can be disasterous, as per this family's situation.

 

As difficult as it might be for that mother, don't be a sounding-board, develop a new hobby or become a volunteer at the local hospital for hospice patients or the children's ward.  You will find your day passing by so fast you won't have time to even consider what is going on outside your four walls.

 
April 21, 2007, 4:53 pm CDT

04/25 Know it All In-Laws

In laws can be quite a challenge.  But, I have made it very clear that my home is just that..."My Home"  I was very tired of my in-laws trying to make their way into my home, and I had to remind them that this is MY home, not theirs.  I did it in a constructive way, but I did it none the less.  My husband cannot stand up to his parents, so I had to.  As for comments that they make toward how I have my house, well, I tell them that I may have time to do a full house cleaning when my two kids get ino college, because I sure as hell don't have time now.  I go to work , and I don't have 8 hours a day to spend on making sure my house is organized.  When I get home after my 8-10 hour day, I then have to get dinner ready as the son that they raised can only cook eggs and soup, and then I may have about 20 minutes to spend with my children, and then get my dinner, then get my children ready for bed. kiss my husband good night, and after I eat, then I can go to bed.....either way, I will not let me in laws walk on me, I have been there, and done that, and  it won't happen again!!
 
April 21, 2007, 6:08 pm CDT

I'm a 57-year-old newlywed-still caught in the middle!

I'm 57 years old and my husband is 56 and we were married for 7 1/2 months when my husband got drunk and assaulted me.  He didn't slug me, didn't hold a weapon to me -- he grabbed my laptop computer from  my hands (which I use to earn my living) and pushed me (three times) when I tried to get it back from him while he was stomping it to bits.  At my age, I didn't take any further chances and called 911 and he was arrested.  My husband has admitted his responsibility to me and to his parents and to his whole family; he is going to plead guilty to the Crown and accept his punishment and, God willing, we are going to try to rebuild our marriage.  My father-in-law told me that what happened between his son and me is our business and he chooses to love his son and continue to love me and be my friend.  My mother-in-law, on the other hand, condemns me for putting her son in jail and, after previously treating me the same as she's treated her natural children, will have nothing to do with me.  My husband told me how his mother feels and my response to him (to relay to his parents) was that I did the right thing under the circumstances and if I would be put in the same situation I would make the same choice.   

 

My point to the couple with the controlling in-laws is that you need to be true to your heart.  Sometimes the decisions we make cause us to suffer in the present, but we need know who we are and we need to love ourselves enough to protect ourselves in spite of what or who tries to harm us.  I'm an American, transplanted in Canada, and my only family is my husband's.  If they turn their back on me, then I have no family here, but I would rather have no family than have to compromise the truth and my own integrity. 

 

My advice is to take the high road:  Do not compromise what you believe to be right.  Stand up for yourselves.  Be an example of strength to your children in spite of adversity; show them what they can do if they would ever be in your situation.  Listen to your hearts.  You are OKAY.

 
April 21, 2007, 7:38 pm CDT

Know It All In-Laws

 Dear Amanda,
Make every effort to find a common ground withmom-in-law or she will become a wedge between her son and you.  Bethe more responsibleone and respect your elder, BUT also gently let themomma's boy decideif he is grown up to have a wife and family or maybehe would preferthe loving arms of his mom instead. I have hopes for youAmanda. Maybeyou should reflect on why you married him in the firstplace and see ifhe is worth all of this.

Dear Mother-in-law,
It's time for the breast-feeding to stop and where are the scissors so Dr. Phil can cut the cord!
Letyour grown son make his own decisions and let him be the man heneeds tobe for his family.  Enroll yourself in self-improvementclasses orknitting classes or become a French teacher....BUT let yourson live hisown life.  Are you afraid he will happier with hiswife more thanwith you?  Don't shut yourself out of his life byforcing him tomake a decision, he may not choose you.  Are you sounhappy withyour own life that you dare try to ruin his and hisfamily's lifetoo?  If you need to meddle, invest in a small pairof binocularsand focus on a neighbor!

Dear Amand's Husband,
Mothers cannot be replaced by wives and you should not have tochoose.  BUT....when a man takes the responsibility of taking awife, he should learn how to balance taking care of both because theyboth love you.
Snip it!  I am talking about the birthing cord that is stillattached between you and your mother!  If you don't make thisbreak, your mother never will.  Maybe you could help her get adate on "Match.com" or set one up on your own.  What ever youdecide to do, you CAN be a responsible son, husband and familyman.....OR HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED TO MULTI-TASK!
 
April 21, 2007, 7:46 pm CDT

Know It all In-Laws

The mother-in-law Yolanda needs to mind her business and Pierre need to step up to the plate and set bounderies with his mom. Not to be disresectful,but firm. Yolanda needs to talk to her son in English in his home in front of his wife,and Yolanda needs to stop being so mean to folks.
 
April 21, 2007, 9:09 pm CDT

I Can Relate

God, I wish we could get on this show to discuss OUR in-law issues! Let's see..We adopt our daughter internationally and within one week of time at home with her, his parents are actually jealous of the time he spends at home with our daughter and me. Our daughter is sick, we are sick, and we are all tired and exhausted from the trip. Our daughter is not sleeping during the night because she has her days and nights mixed up due to the time change. The in-laws get angry because my husband cannot come to their home the following morning after our trip to set up a projector for them for a dinner party they are giving (ANDhe went and did it that afternoon but that wasn't good enough), They are angry that we asked that we be driven straight home from the airport after being in flight over 20 plus hours with a sick child, they are angry that we didn't cook for their Thanksgiving dinner (as we have every year in the past for every single holiday meal) because we had been home less than five days from another country, they are angry because we had Christmas dinner (that we invited them to attend) catered because I had been in the hospital several days beforehand with Giardia, a nasty intestinal parasite, I picked up in the other country. My daughter also had this parasite along with a respiratory infection. They have said terrible things about me as a mother and a wife. They have spread ugly rumors and comments about us to other family members. My husband has to be at their beck and call at all times. His dad says that when he calls my husband, my husband should drop everything and see about what HE needs regardless of the circumstances. We are both 40 years old and this is our first child!!! We have been in marital counseling for one year now because of the heartache they have created in our lives. It is terribly sad. They haven't asked about or wanted to see our daughter in over a year...not that I truly care at this point as I do not want them to have any bad influence over her or make our lives any more painful. We have had two counselors tell us...ours and THEIRS (of course they only went to about two sessions with her)... that they are narcissistic and that all of this is their problem/their issue. BUT it doesn't make it hurt any less. Our family has been torn apart. It is a nightmare. Our marriage has been through hell and back. Our daughter does not know them. I cannot stand the thought of even being in the same room with them anymore and have completely backed out of having any contact with them at all. It is a black cloud that hangs forever over our heads. We are pressured by other family members. We have done nothing wrong and have been labeled the black sheeps. My husband and I always say we wish we could be on Dr. Phil so he could tell them like it is. God knows, nothing we say or do has ever done any good! We'd have nothing to lose that's for sure!
 
April 21, 2007, 10:56 pm CDT

Know It All In-Laws

Regarding Amanda, Pierre, and Yolande- I have to say, not one of them seems to have respect for each other.  Amanda needs to know, that Pierre will not put himself in the middle of a situation when it comes to his mother, that's just the way it is.  Amanda needs to respect the fact that Yolande is the woman that raised the man she loves, and no matter what, in Yolande eyes there isn't a woman that is good enough for her son.  I'm not saying that Yolande is right, however Amanda needs to give her mother-in-law a chance to see that she can live up to her expectations of the perfect wife for her son, this falls under the catagory that you always want the best for your children.  Amanda needs to always know, and remember that no matter what, that is his mother and respect her for her position in the family.

 

John and Chrissy- You both need to realize that a slap today, will be a closed fist punch tomorrow.  Sounds to me that Charlene is trying to protect her grandchild.  Why would any parent want their child growing up in an environment where his parents are physically and verbally fighting?  They need to read and live by that poem titled "Children Learn What they Live."  It sounds to me that they don't love each other enough, to accept, respect, and celebrate each others differences.  They obviously can't even put their differences aside for the sake of their child.  Sure, the baby is a baby now, but he is growing and learning from his environment, how can you, as parents, the people he depends upon to love and protect him, allow him to live in this manner.  My daughter is 19, although she is away at college now, and not home as much, we still do not fight in front of her, nor have we ever, ever raised our hands to each other, whether alone or not.  Maybe we are fortunate, we don't fight, maybe a debate, never a fight.  I have seen parents that have fought in front of their children, and I have to say, those children have grown up with problems.  Please, if you can't love and respect each other at least love your son enough, and not get married, maybe you will get along much better.  Although, this would not be the conventional family, it would promote a healthier mind for your son, as well as a happy child.

 
April 22, 2007, 7:01 am CDT

I'm so thankful I never had that problem.

With my husband and me, I have always come first. We didn't have trouble with his parents. I think there can be balance where the husband loves and respects his parents but his wife comes first. For example, after our kids were born, I preferred to stay home on Christmas morning and chill. Prior to this, the siblings inlaws and grandchildren had always met at his parents. I enjoyed it until we had our own children. I didn't want to rush and get over to my in-laws. I told my husband that I understood that his mother liked to have all of her kids and grandkids on Christmas morning,and that I didn't want to hurt her feelings. He said that the only thing that mattered was how I felt. Of course he didn't say those exact words to his mother, but he did explain to her that we had decided to stay home on Christmas morning. From then on we went on Christmas Eve. I didn't have to say anything. When will husbands learn that thier wives come first?
 
April 22, 2007, 7:03 am CDT

The mom is not going to be able to help the couple that fights.

The fighting couple needs to get therapy and learn how to get along. The mom is not going to be able to enjoy them and the baby until they do so. And she is helpless to do anything about thier behavior.
 
April 22, 2007, 9:19 am CDT

I can relate too

Quote From: maddieo

God, I wish we could get on this show to discuss OUR in-law issues! Let's see..We adopt our daughter internationally and within one week of time at home with her, his parents are actually jealous of the time he spends at home with our daughter and me. Our daughter is sick, we are sick, and we are all tired and exhausted from the trip. Our daughter is not sleeping during the night because she has her days and nights mixed up due to the time change. The in-laws get angry because my husband cannot come to their home the following morning after our trip to set up a projector for them for a dinner party they are giving (ANDhe went and did it that afternoon but that wasn't good enough), They are angry that we asked that we be driven straight home from the airport after being in flight over 20 plus hours with a sick child, they are angry that we didn't cook for their Thanksgiving dinner (as we have every year in the past for every single holiday meal) because we had been home less than five days from another country, they are angry because we had Christmas dinner (that we invited them to attend) catered because I had been in the hospital several days beforehand with Giardia, a nasty intestinal parasite, I picked up in the other country. My daughter also had this parasite along with a respiratory infection. They have said terrible things about me as a mother and a wife. They have spread ugly rumors and comments about us to other family members. My husband has to be at their beck and call at all times. His dad says that when he calls my husband, my husband should drop everything and see about what HE needs regardless of the circumstances. We are both 40 years old and this is our first child!!! We have been in marital counseling for one year now because of the heartache they have created in our lives. It is terribly sad. They haven't asked about or wanted to see our daughter in over a year...not that I truly care at this point as I do not want them to have any bad influence over her or make our lives any more painful. We have had two counselors tell us...ours and THEIRS (of course they only went to about two sessions with her)... that they are narcissistic and that all of this is their problem/their issue. BUT it doesn't make it hurt any less. Our family has been torn apart. It is a nightmare. Our marriage has been through hell and back. Our daughter does not know them. I cannot stand the thought of even being in the same room with them anymore and have completely backed out of having any contact with them at all. It is a black cloud that hangs forever over our heads. We are pressured by other family members. We have done nothing wrong and have been labeled the black sheeps. My husband and I always say we wish we could be on Dr. Phil so he could tell them like it is. God knows, nothing we say or do has ever done any good! We'd have nothing to lose that's for sure!

I am so sorry that you have been through so much with your inlaws especially since you are new parents and trying to adjust to that huge change in your life. My husband and I are in a similar boat with 1 year old twins and have been estranged with his parents for the past 4 years. We too have made every attempt to resolve things but  they never meet us half way. I STRONGLY feel that we should not include them in our lives. Some people, including Dr P. say that there is no greater love than a grandparent. I disagree. The grandparents are not being loving to the granchildren if they can't be respectful to the parents. I understand the pressure from other family members too...

 

I hope that you, your husband and daughter will be able to have all of the happiness that you deserve away from your narcisistic inlaws. This is a very special time for all three of you now and that needs to be the main focus. I understand how hard this has been for all of you and all I can say is just keep up with your own counseling and as often as you can celebrate and create wonderful memories with your husband and daughter. Sharing those special times does help that "black cloud" to be replaced with sunshine. Include others that care about the three of you. No one should be treated the way that they have treated you. You deserve respect and consideration and you should expect that from these people.

 
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