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Topic : 08/01 Know-It-All In-Laws

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Created on : Friday, April 20, 2007, 02:37:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/25/07) In-laws can be the kind who give unwanted advice, stop by unexpectedly and use guilt and manipulation to get what they want. But sometimes, they are loving parents who get caught in the middle of their child's relationship. Amanda calls her mother-in-law, Yolande, psychotic, controlling and meddling. She says Yolande speaks to her son, Pierre, in French so she can hide the hurtful words she’s using about Amanda. Yolande says Amanda is a drunk, and an uneducated woman who is wrecking her son's life. Why does Pierre say he can't choose a side? To test Amanda's theory of why Yolande and Pierre speak French to each other, Dr. Phil sets up a "special" dinner for the three of them. Be a fly on the wall, and find out if Amanda's right or just being paranoid. And, John and Chrissy's engagement is on hold because they say they can't stop fighting. They hit and slap each other, and call each other vulgar names — often in front of their 8-month-old son. John's mom, Charlene, who is often pulled into their fights, says they both need to grow up! After watching themselves scream and yell on tape, will this couple decide to drop their fists, close their mouths and work to make a peaceful home for their baby? Join the discussion.

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April 22, 2007, 5:48 pm CDT

04/25 Know it All In-Laws

Speaking in a different language is just rude, hmmm, I think maybe finding language classes might help, even if just to understand what her MIL is saying, then shock her with the right response in English, One of my SIL's is french and she and her mother used to do that, until the day I responded , they didn't realize I am functionally bi lingual, I can speak and understand it better than I let on.  I say learn the language, french is actually not that hard to learn and it is a beautiful language, for her husband to allow that rude behavior is awful, she should be putting her foot down with him.  Why do these Mothers not want to cut the umbilical cord once their sons marry ?
 
April 22, 2007, 6:31 pm CDT

boundaries

Quote From: ltalucci

Regarding Amanda, Pierre, and Yolande- I have to say, not one of them seems to have respect for each other.  Amanda needs to know, that Pierre will not put himself in the middle of a situation when it comes to his mother, that's just the way it is.  Amanda needs to respect the fact that Yolande is the woman that raised the man she loves, and no matter what, in Yolande eyes there isn't a woman that is good enough for her son.  I'm not saying that Yolande is right, however Amanda needs to give her mother-in-law a chance to see that she can live up to her expectations of the perfect wife for her son, this falls under the catagory that you always want the best for your children.  Amanda needs to always know, and remember that no matter what, that is his mother and respect her for her position in the family.

 

John and Chrissy- You both need to realize that a slap today, will be a closed fist punch tomorrow.  Sounds to me that Charlene is trying to protect her grandchild.  Why would any parent want their child growing up in an environment where his parents are physically and verbally fighting?  They need to read and live by that poem titled "Children Learn What they Live."  It sounds to me that they don't love each other enough, to accept, respect, and celebrate each others differences.  They obviously can't even put their differences aside for the sake of their child.  Sure, the baby is a baby now, but he is growing and learning from his environment, how can you, as parents, the people he depends upon to love and protect him, allow him to live in this manner.  My daughter is 19, although she is away at college now, and not home as much, we still do not fight in front of her, nor have we ever, ever raised our hands to each other, whether alone or not.  Maybe we are fortunate, we don't fight, maybe a debate, never a fight.  I have seen parents that have fought in front of their children, and I have to say, those children have grown up with problems.  Please, if you can't love and respect each other at least love your son enough, and not get married, maybe you will get along much better.  Although, this would not be the conventional family, it would promote a healthier mind for your son, as well as a happy child.

When we marry, we are to leave our parents and cleave unto our spouses.

It's necessary for adult children to set boundary lines that need to be respected by everyone outside the marital walls.  I wonder what the parents would do should the roles be reversed and their adult son begins to tell them how to live their lives...hmmm...they would no doubt protest, wouldn't they??

Any parent who doesn't respect the privacy of their children and their families does not care about what's in their best interest, only that their every whim be served. I call those parents, selfishly controlling and home wreckers.

That 40 year old BOY needs to protect his family from his overly controlling, disrespectful mother, and set some boundary lines. He can do that without being disrespectful to her, by just considering what is in his wife's and his child's best interest, and learning to say no. His mother obviously doesn't care what is happening to his family. Shame on her!! And shame on him for allowing it to go on. 

A loving mother raises a good son to be a good man, and then lovingly, and respectfully shares him as he makes his own choices in HIS world, as a MAN, not her BOY.

No wife needs to learn to be subservient to a controlling terror of a mother-in-law. If the mother-in-law wants to be respected by her daughter-in-law, she can darn well earn it. It's not a given, just because she carries the title of mother. Her position in her extended family is NOT to cause trouble.

 
April 22, 2007, 8:21 pm CDT

estranged, too

Quote From: twinsma546

I am so sorry that you have been through so much with your inlaws especially since you are new parents and trying to adjust to that huge change in your life. My husband and I are in a similar boat with 1 year old twins and have been estranged with his parents for the past 4 years. We too have made every attempt to resolve things but  they never meet us half way. I STRONGLY feel that we should not include them in our lives. Some people, including Dr P. say that there is no greater love than a grandparent. I disagree. The grandparents are not being loving to the granchildren if they can't be respectful to the parents. I understand the pressure from other family members too...

 

I hope that you, your husband and daughter will be able to have all of the happiness that you deserve away from your narcisistic inlaws. This is a very special time for all three of you now and that needs to be the main focus. I understand how hard this has been for all of you and all I can say is just keep up with your own counseling and as often as you can celebrate and create wonderful memories with your husband and daughter. Sharing those special times does help that "black cloud" to be replaced with sunshine. Include others that care about the three of you. No one should be treated the way that they have treated you. You deserve respect and consideration and you should expect that from these people.

As much as it hurts, and I know from my own experience that it does hurt, your focus needs to be on your own child and growing her up to be the wonderful person you know she can be.  Do not let the empty pit of need from narcisistic parents intrude on your joy with this new baby girl.  You have to put them aside.  Until now, they have had many years to interfere and be insistant with demands.  That time has ended.  It does not matter what they say or do now, or if they complain about you to others.  If you put your little one first, everything else will fall into place.  When you are hurting, turn to her and play patty-cake or count her tiny toes.  You can't be miserable and enjoying this new life at the same time.  Stay strong and remember where you need to put your energy.  You will just be wasting your breath to try and talk rationally to them.  You can state your boundaries, but don't hold your breath that they will respect them.  At least it gives you a foothold to remove yourself if you set boundaries and they do not abide.  They don't want rationality- they want control.  Let them fix thier own damned projector!!   If it is not the projector, it will be something else.  I agree that you need to be treated with respect.  While you cannot demand it from them, you CAN limit your exposure to their lack of respect for you and your family.  You sure don't need this drama in your lives, especially right now.  Geez!

 

I have found that in my own experience, my mother could not respect our family unit's boundaries, so we are not in contact much any more, and that is OK.  I drop a card in the mail for holidays, but other than that, the contact is minimal.  It is better for us than getting enmeshed with her and her unfillable pit of need and the associated drama.  There are other people who are serogate grandparents to our child, so we are not without the love of older people.  It is not Beaver Cleaver, but we have made the best of what we were dealt. 

 

My dad had a saying, "Wish in one hand; crap in the other, and see which hand fills up faster." 

 

You can waste time wishing for this or that to be different, or you can work to make the best of what you have.  Good luck and good health!

 
April 23, 2007, 8:00 am CDT

John & Chrissy...

The second couple shouldn't drag their parents into their temper tantrums.  It could get really out of control, it's this cancer that spreads because if they're willing to bring in mom, they'll be willing to bring in friends and other family members and it just snowballs.  Marital spats should be worked out between the spouses, it's nobody else's business (including the baby's, and the child should not hear them fighting). 

 

Some compromises are going to have to made on someone's part (hopefully both) to resolve the conflicts.  Hitting and slapping each other sounds like a bar fight, not a dispute between people who supposedly love each other.  That's physical and emotional abuse, and it needs to stop.  They need marital counseling ASAP!

 
April 23, 2007, 9:20 am CDT

WE LIKE IT

SADLY SOME PEOPLE LIKE THE ATTENTION FIGHTING GENERATES. THEY ALSO LIKE THE MAYBE RADICAL SEX THAT ENSUES AFTER THE FIGHT. IN ANY CASE WE HAVE SO MANY NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIORS THAT ARE HATEFUL HURTFUL AND PAINFUL. OUR WORDS ARE VERY OFTEN DRIVEN DEEP INTO THE HEART OF ANOTHER THAT IT IS FRESH LONG AFTER THE BRUISES HAVE FADED.

THE IN LAWS SHOULD BE A MODEL LIKE ANYONE WHO GIVES ADVICE.  ACTIONS SUCH AS THIS AND ALL OTHERS ALWAYS FUNNELS DOWN TO THE PAIN THE CHILD FEELS.

 
April 23, 2007, 10:59 am CDT

04/25 Know it All In-Laws

Quote From: gwarrior6

The second couple shouldn't drag their parents into their temper tantrums.  It could get really out of control, it's this cancer that spreads because if they're willing to bring in mom, they'll be willing to bring in friends and other family members and it just snowballs.  Marital spats should be worked out between the spouses, it's nobody else's business (including the baby's, and the child should not hear them fighting). 

 

Some compromises are going to have to made on someone's part (hopefully both) to resolve the conflicts.  Hitting and slapping each other sounds like a bar fight, not a dispute between people who supposedly love each other.  That's physical and emotional abuse, and it needs to stop.  They need marital counseling ASAP!

You are so right...and they'll regret it later because mom and dad and other family will then be in the habit of being in their business....and that is something NO adult wants! I know I don't want my parents in my business.
 
April 23, 2007, 2:59 pm CDT

Me neither...

Quote From: penny_lady

You are so right...and they'll regret it later because mom and dad and other family will then be in the habit of being in their business....and that is something NO adult wants! I know I don't want my parents in my business.
I can't stand it when people outside the conflict come in and become part of it.  It just makes everything too complex, simplify the problem and solve it.
 
April 23, 2007, 6:44 pm CDT

MIL is a KIA (know it all) (among other things)

About a month or so after I recovered memories from an abusive childhood through extensive therapy, a distant relative connected to my MIL announces she has gone through the same thing. In a discussion with my MIL on the phone, she tells me that she has been reading on the internet that repressed memories don't really exist (therefor myself and other relative must be making this all up)!

 

My SIL gives birth to her first child and we go to her state to see new baby. Other Sil has also had a child month before. While there we go out to dinner with MIL. She tells us that my husband wasn't chosen to be godparent because he was not a good enough christian. She then interogates us about our spirituality.

 

I hear through the grapevine MIL has given medicine to SIL kids when SIL says not to and says negative things about other SIL parenting.

 

This is just the tip of the iceberg in our situation. Also is addament that all political views are correct...

 

I am looking forward to see what Dr.Phil says in this situation.

 
April 23, 2007, 7:07 pm CDT

04/25 Know it All In-Laws

Quote From: twinsma546

About a month or so after I recovered memories from an abusive childhood through extensive therapy, a distant relative connected to my MIL announces she has gone through the same thing. In a discussion with my MIL on the phone, she tells me that she has been reading on the internet that repressed memories don't really exist (therefor myself and other relative must be making this all up)!

 

My SIL gives birth to her first child and we go to her state to see new baby. Other Sil has also had a child month before. While there we go out to dinner with MIL. She tells us that my husband wasn't chosen to be godparent because he was not a good enough christian. She then interogates us about our spirituality.

 

I hear through the grapevine MIL has given medicine to SIL kids when SIL says not to and says negative things about other SIL parenting.

 

This is just the tip of the iceberg in our situation. Also is addament that all political views are correct...

 

I am looking forward to see what Dr.Phil says in this situation.

Maybe you misunderstood your MIL. Repressed memories do exist, but it's been shown that nonexistent "memories" can implanted in the mind. Carl Sagan talks about this in his book "Demon Haunted World"....The human mind is malleable, and fake memories can be created.

I am, of course, not saying this happened to you, but I am saying that this may be what your MIL was talking about.


 
April 24, 2007, 5:47 am CDT

I Finally Called the Police

I have had inlaws that have bullied me from the beginning of our marriage.  They are horrible and have tried to control me and take over my home every time they visit since I married my husband.  We have been married for 11 years and this last weekend his sister's family came to stay at our house for a soccer tournament and kicked both of my children out of their beds because their daughter had to have her rest and could only be in bed with her brother Josh.  I stated that my daughter had her dance photos the next day and also needed her rest and that they could sleep together.  They both said no to that and the situation was very awkward.  Right then my husband should have asked them to leave but he is a pathetic weak wimp and didn't do anything.  I could see that this was really going to blow up so we left it alone for the night and the next day we argued about it and how his whole family was a bunch of bullies.  His mom and step dad came down in February and tried to take back a baby crib by force when I told them no that I wasn't ready to give it away yet.  She took our pack and play, bed rails, and crib mattress.  I wasn't happy that she took those things but I was determined that she wasn't taking the crib which is an heirloom that I intend to pass down to my children.   He decided to call his mom about what his sister was doing and held out the phone and demanded that I talk to her and followed me around with the phone.  We had a very unpleasant conversation and I took the kids to a nearby hotel for the night.  His sister then called me on the phone after the first soccer game was over to confront me.  I hung up on her and refused to take her calls.  The next day my husband called her and demanded that I talk to her and she screamed at me and called me a bitch and said that she was turning the car around to come back to our house and beat me up and that she loved her brother and his kids but hated my guts.  I told her that I would have the police waiting on them when they got here.  They didn't end up coming back but the next day I filed a police report on them and now they cannot come back to our house.  I can't believe that this is what it took to finally get them off my back.  I have never filed a police report on anyone before in my life.  They are horrible and southern white trash.  I am so relieved that I do not ever have to see them again.  Thank God they are gone for good!
 
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