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Topic : 08/01 Know-It-All In-Laws

Number of Replies: 344
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Created on : Friday, April 20, 2007, 02:37:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/25/07) In-laws can be the kind who give unwanted advice, stop by unexpectedly and use guilt and manipulation to get what they want. But sometimes, they are loving parents who get caught in the middle of their child's relationship. Amanda calls her mother-in-law, Yolande, psychotic, controlling and meddling. She says Yolande speaks to her son, Pierre, in French so she can hide the hurtful words she’s using about Amanda. Yolande says Amanda is a drunk, and an uneducated woman who is wrecking her son's life. Why does Pierre say he can't choose a side? To test Amanda's theory of why Yolande and Pierre speak French to each other, Dr. Phil sets up a "special" dinner for the three of them. Be a fly on the wall, and find out if Amanda's right or just being paranoid. And, John and Chrissy's engagement is on hold because they say they can't stop fighting. They hit and slap each other, and call each other vulgar names — often in front of their 8-month-old son. John's mom, Charlene, who is often pulled into their fights, says they both need to grow up! After watching themselves scream and yell on tape, will this couple decide to drop their fists, close their mouths and work to make a peaceful home for their baby? Join the discussion.

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April 24, 2007, 6:35 am CDT

And the in-laws NEVER forget the infraction long after the couple has moved on.

Quote From: penny_lady

You are so right...and they'll regret it later because mom and dad and other family will then be in the habit of being in their business....and that is something NO adult wants! I know I don't want my parents in my business.
My husband's 2 brothers had the habit of running to thier parents after a fight with thier wives looking for sympathy. I am so thankful that MY husband was not like that. I think that's one of the biggest mistakes couples can make. I know that my in-laws would be talking about something that was way in the past. And it made them think badly of thier other daughters -in-law.Because my husband never went to them and told them about our disagreements, they thought I was different than the other 2 wives. One day we were at thier house and I told my father-in-law "It's not that I'm all that different,it's just that (my husband ) only tells you the good stuff" It made me feel uncomfortable because I felt that my sisters-in-law were getting a bad rap.And I never ran to my parents with my problems either. I know that the MIL on the show is probably worried about the fighting and her grandchild. But they need more help than she is able to give and I hope they get it.
 
April 24, 2007, 7:08 am CDT

you think?

Quote From: penny_lady

Maybe you misunderstood your MIL. Repressed memories do exist, but it's been shown that nonexistent "memories" can implanted in the mind. Carl Sagan talks about this in his book "Demon Haunted World"....The human mind is malleable, and fake memories can be created.

I am, of course, not saying this happened to you, but I am saying that this may be what your MIL was talking about.


It was part of what she was talking about. But in both situations this did not happen. My MIL and many others who follow the planted memory theory were using this to be in denial about the horrible reality of it. My MIL would rather pretend like none of it happened so she can continue to have fake, superficial family than acknowledge something really awful happened to one of her relatives at the hands of her other relative. She has no concern of the person that is suffering as long as she gets her pumpkin pie and gift exchange every holiday.

 

Sorry, this really touches a nerve with me because when I confronted my abuser, that is what she said - that my therapist had planted those memories. She was all ready with this answer as if she had rehearsed it for years to be ready for when I would confront her. These memories were partially with me long before therapy and it took alot of work on my part to get to the rest of them.

 

I doubt I would ever read Demon Haunted World because to me it sounds like propoganda for demon possesion, something I definately don't believe in. I believe there are a lot of people using demon possesion and memory implantation as an excuse to get out of the abuse they committed.

 
April 24, 2007, 8:48 am CDT

I am replying to myself

Quote From: twinsma546

It was part of what she was talking about. But in both situations this did not happen. My MIL and many others who follow the planted memory theory were using this to be in denial about the horrible reality of it. My MIL would rather pretend like none of it happened so she can continue to have fake, superficial family than acknowledge something really awful happened to one of her relatives at the hands of her other relative. She has no concern of the person that is suffering as long as she gets her pumpkin pie and gift exchange every holiday.

 

Sorry, this really touches a nerve with me because when I confronted my abuser, that is what she said - that my therapist had planted those memories. She was all ready with this answer as if she had rehearsed it for years to be ready for when I would confront her. These memories were partially with me long before therapy and it took alot of work on my part to get to the rest of them.

 

I doubt I would ever read Demon Haunted World because to me it sounds like propoganda for demon possesion, something I definately don't believe in. I believe there are a lot of people using demon possesion and memory implantation as an excuse to get out of the abuse they committed.

Okay, I looked up Carl Sagan and this book. It's not what I thought it was about. What I think it is about is the scientific method and dispelling myths.

 

Here are some myths that I believe will be dispelled some day...

 

The myth that the devil exists and is responsible for human behavior ranging from rudeness to schizophrenia to molesting children to murder.

 

The myth that it is more likely that a therapist (someone who is trying to help a patient with there nuerosis or psychosis) would or could plant memories of things that never happened in their patients. (It is more likely that these memories are about real happenings and the perportrators are looking for escape routes.

 

The myth that there is no greater love than a grandparent. Yes Dr. Phil, I think this is a myth.

 

The myth that MIL's are just trying to be helpful when they undermind you, judge you, get involved in your bussiness, etc.

 
April 24, 2007, 8:55 am CDT

good for you

Quote From: twobabies3

I have had inlaws that have bullied me from the beginning of our marriage.  They are horrible and have tried to control me and take over my home every time they visit since I married my husband.  We have been married for 11 years and this last weekend his sister's family came to stay at our house for a soccer tournament and kicked both of my children out of their beds because their daughter had to have her rest and could only be in bed with her brother Josh.  I stated that my daughter had her dance photos the next day and also needed her rest and that they could sleep together.  They both said no to that and the situation was very awkward.  Right then my husband should have asked them to leave but he is a pathetic weak wimp and didn't do anything.  I could see that this was really going to blow up so we left it alone for the night and the next day we argued about it and how his whole family was a bunch of bullies.  His mom and step dad came down in February and tried to take back a baby crib by force when I told them no that I wasn't ready to give it away yet.  She took our pack and play, bed rails, and crib mattress.  I wasn't happy that she took those things but I was determined that she wasn't taking the crib which is an heirloom that I intend to pass down to my children.   He decided to call his mom about what his sister was doing and held out the phone and demanded that I talk to her and followed me around with the phone.  We had a very unpleasant conversation and I took the kids to a nearby hotel for the night.  His sister then called me on the phone after the first soccer game was over to confront me.  I hung up on her and refused to take her calls.  The next day my husband called her and demanded that I talk to her and she screamed at me and called me a bitch and said that she was turning the car around to come back to our house and beat me up and that she loved her brother and his kids but hated my guts.  I told her that I would have the police waiting on them when they got here.  They didn't end up coming back but the next day I filed a police report on them and now they cannot come back to our house.  I can't believe that this is what it took to finally get them off my back.  I have never filed a police report on anyone before in my life.  They are horrible and southern white trash.  I am so relieved that I do not ever have to see them again.  Thank God they are gone for good!
I am sorry to hear about your troubles with your IL's as I can relate. You did the right thing by calling the police. I think it is real interesting how some people believe they can get away with criminal acts towards a family member when they can't get away with it with a complete stranger. I too am sorry that your spouse is not handling his family the way he should be. I hope that you can get some help before the IL situation has too negative affect on your marraige. Good luck.
 
April 24, 2007, 9:24 am CDT

I'm in your shoes...

Dear Amanda,

 

As a new wife dealing with my own husband's psychotic mother my honest advise is this....  Boundaries do not work with these women.  They will continue to act with ill intentions, bash you, blame you and manipulate the situation.  I've dealt with drama for over four years.  My husband's mother has no ACCOUNTABILITY and is the ultimate victim.  She thrives in self-pity and gaining attention.  As a "mother" she tries to make her son feel guilty about choices he makes in his life...even though they have nothing to do with her.  In the past we've set boundaries and tried to have a relationship with her yet after the 5th, 6th, 7th time it continued to result in only an opportunity for her to say we didn't do enough to make her happy or simply I was to blame for being in the picture.  Finally, my husband took a stand and told her we were no longer doing to deal with the erratic behavior and character bashing.  That was the start of something good.... we gained DISTANCE from her.  Distance is my only salvation.  Realize that you can only control what you can control....some things are out of your hands.  Your husband has to reach a point where he needs to see right over wrong... it's not about wife versus mom.  As a person, you shouldn't have to endure her wrath and as your spouse, he needs to protect you.  Just because she is this mother gives her no right to treat you unfairly.                

 
April 24, 2007, 9:41 am CDT

04/25 Know it All In-Laws

Quote From: twinsma546

It was part of what she was talking about. But in both situations this did not happen. My MIL and many others who follow the planted memory theory were using this to be in denial about the horrible reality of it. My MIL would rather pretend like none of it happened so she can continue to have fake, superficial family than acknowledge something really awful happened to one of her relatives at the hands of her other relative. She has no concern of the person that is suffering as long as she gets her pumpkin pie and gift exchange every holiday.

 

Sorry, this really touches a nerve with me because when I confronted my abuser, that is what she said - that my therapist had planted those memories. She was all ready with this answer as if she had rehearsed it for years to be ready for when I would confront her. These memories were partially with me long before therapy and it took alot of work on my part to get to the rest of them.

 

I doubt I would ever read Demon Haunted World because to me it sounds like propoganda for demon possesion, something I definately don't believe in. I believe there are a lot of people using demon possesion and memory implantation as an excuse to get out of the abuse they committed.

No no no...Don't judge a book by it's title, seriously. Carl Sagan is a scientist.  The title of the book is talking about the pseudo-science that invades our society. Memory implantation is a very small part of this book. That is NOT what this book is about. Please, look it up on amazon if you have questions, but don't reject something you know nothing about.

I am sorry you've experiences abuse, I did as a child myself...and it can be so devastating.
 
April 24, 2007, 9:45 am CDT

04/25 Know it All In-Laws

Quote From: twinsma546

Okay, I looked up Carl Sagan and this book. It's not what I thought it was about. What I think it is about is the scientific method and dispelling myths.

 

Here are some myths that I believe will be dispelled some day...

 

The myth that the devil exists and is responsible for human behavior ranging from rudeness to schizophrenia to molesting children to murder.

 

The myth that it is more likely that a therapist (someone who is trying to help a patient with there nuerosis or psychosis) would or could plant memories of things that never happened in their patients. (It is more likely that these memories are about real happenings and the perportrators are looking for escape routes.

 

The myth that there is no greater love than a grandparent. Yes Dr. Phil, I think this is a myth.

 

The myth that MIL's are just trying to be helpful when they undermind you, judge you, get involved in your bussiness, etc.

Oh ok, thank you for looking up the book. (I read posts in order so I saw your other post first and responded in order.)

Memories CAN be implanted just so you know. It doesn't mean they always are, and it certainly doesn't mean YOURS were, but they can be implanted.

And I agree, I don't believe in an evil force, I think the evil things in the world are usually the result of mental illness.

And I agree with the grandparent and MIL thing, they CAN be great people, but not automatically so.
 
April 24, 2007, 12:58 pm CDT

Virginity

I am not sure why this is a question of being wrong!  Why in the world would we tell an 11 year old girl that she can't be a virgin till she gets married!!  With all of the STD's and AIDs you would think we would all say we were proud of her and every other girl that decides to do this!  I am married and have been for about a year.  I was not a virgin when I got married and i struggle everyday comparing my husband to other men I had been with.  I was raised in a loving Baptist family and I regret not waiting to have sex until I got married.  On top of it I had 2 partners before my husband and I wasn't very sexually active but still contracted an STD.  I think that morality has gone down hill so fast that we should praise girls for making this decision not make them feel stupid!
 
April 24, 2007, 8:41 pm CDT

Speaking a different language

Quote From: ceildh1

Speaking in a different language is just rude, hmmm, I think maybe finding language classes might help, even if just to understand what her MIL is saying, then shock her with the right response in English, One of my SIL's is french and she and her mother used to do that, until the day I responded , they didn't realize I am functionally bi lingual, I can speak and understand it better than I let on.  I say learn the language, french is actually not that hard to learn and it is a beautiful language, for her husband to allow that rude behavior is awful, she should be putting her foot down with him.  Why do these Mothers not want to cut the umbilical cord once their sons marry ?
 
April 24, 2007, 8:53 pm CDT

the mother in law

Quote From: ceildh1

Speaking in a different language is just rude, hmmm, I think maybe finding language classes might help, even if just to understand what her MIL is saying, then shock her with the right response in English, One of my SIL's is french and she and her mother used to do that, until the day I responded , they didn't realize I am functionally bi lingual, I can speak and understand it better than I let on.  I say learn the language, french is actually not that hard to learn and it is a beautiful language, for her husband to allow that rude behavior is awful, she should be putting her foot down with him.  Why do these Mothers not want to cut the umbilical cord once their sons marry ?

 

I am surprised to see how the French speaking situation is misrepresented. I only speak French with my son when his wife is not present or if I make a remark about food in a restaurant.. If you look at the restaurant scene on the video, you should notice that the wife is not present. We did not utter one single French word in the presence of Amanda during the dinner. We only spoke French while she went to the bar to drink and smoke.

Would you be critical of Hispanic immigrants who speak Spanish in front of an American in-law?

 

 
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