Topic : 04/26 Obsessive Love

DR. PHIL When do you tell this couple to say "enough"? I believe in marriage, but this couple is in dire straights of destructing. TOXIC? thats what this marriage is.  Even when your done with this couple how will this wife ever get past the abuse? And say "yea I trust him"?

Dr. Phil, What causes such extreme obsessiveness?  Has this man suffered an incredible loss in his life to make him SO insecure?  I am thinking his wife wasn't the first obsession. 

I have to agree with some of the other responders that the wife is playing into this too much not to own any of the blame.  The naked picture sharing was quite the tip, she knows shes pretty and is enjoying some of this.  He truly seems certifiable, but she might need some work too.

I know from experience that leaving is easier said than done... I wasnt in this same kind of relationship, but I was in an abusive and controlling one that if I left he said he would hurt me and my children. I stayed with this man for 3 years and never left my wake up call was when my children got taken away from me from social services and i knew the only way to get my children back was to leave and if he kills me at least my children were safe.... My husband now was the only one to get me out of that situation. Do you have a friend that will help a mother or father anyone tha tcan help you get out I would your not happy ,a dnthis kind of behavior from him is not good for your children, cause eventually they will get older and think this is alright to do to the people that they come to love... If not for you do it for your children... You deserve  ALOT better than him... This is not how you should be treated by anyone let alone your own husband... My advice to you is there is a way to get out if you never thought that there was there is a way to get... PLEASE GET OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE...    GOOD LUCK nad I hope verything goes well for you and though you may never forget what has happened you will and can have a better life for you and your children...




*twaugh131230*

This is to all the people who think this woman is whacked: yes, she is not thinking rationally. This situation developed over time. Abusers will gradually escalate as they figure out what they can get away with. Then, they figure out how they can keep going a little further each time. The target of the abuse knows something is wrong, but out of self-preservation and also out of hope that things will change, they try to make excuses at first. Pretty soon, they are backed into a corner. If there are children involved, the consequences of destabilizing the situation are great. So, all the dynamics keep expanding and building. In a case like this, the woman is aware (thought not completely) that if she tries to leave, this guy might try to kill her. The majority of cases of wives being killed by husbands happen when the wife tries to leave an abusive husband. -- I used to volunteer in a battered woman's shelter.)

It's true that these women do need help to rebuild their self-esteem, but it can't happen when they are in the middle of a dangerous abusive and degrading environment. It's like asking a drowning person "Well, if I save you from drowning, what are your plans for the future?"

Hello!!! YOu have to get them out of danger FIRST and then deal with the secondary issues. So, give this woman a break.

The marriage got off to a bad start with them not knowing each other that long and her being pregnant. It was wrong of her to cheat.But Jeffrey's actions are bizarre and frightening. He is only making things worse. I'm not sure this can ever be worked out successfully. And I'm worried that without intervention it could come to a tragic ending. They are both out of control, Jeffrey more so than her.

This type of abuse does sneak up on you slowly over time like one other poster said. My husband is very controlling, and I'm ready to get out of this marraige because of it. This man however is absoluetly scary.......he is so sick. I'm very curious to see how this turn out after tomorrows 2nd episode on this.

Why do you say that your husband now is the only one who could get you out of that situation?

Isn't that kind of saying you need a man in your life to make any changes?

Were you cheating with the new man on your husband?

 

Kids don't get taken away just because you are married to an abusive husband.. there has to be more to your story.

 

 

YOU ARE ABSOLUETLY RIGHT. THIS HAPPENS OVER TIME, THEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THE HECK YOU LET THIS HAPPEN.

I'm sure somebody is going to jump on the band wagon to say she is now provoking or causing his behavior.  People have to put themselves in her shoes to imagine what she must be feeling.  She has been isolated, humiliated, blamed, trapped (literally), criticized, etc...This I'm sure was a gradual process throughout their years together, and he has denied and made her question her own "gut" feelings for years.  So then you have a woman who has no self-esteem, questions if she is provoking him because after years of being told, part of you believes this, and lonely and unloved.  Does that sound like a person powerful enough to pick up and leave?  This man wants so badly for his wife to love him, and yet he won't do the one thing that could make that happen...STOP ABUSING HER!  Stop criticizing, questioning, name-calling...  Has he ever tried this obvious solution.  He needs to look at himself in the mirror and look where his finger is pointing.  I can only imagine the reasons why she is still there.  However, she needs help and support to get out of there.  Even if he were to get help and change his behavior, would she be able to forgive and forget?

     My 23 year old daughter is in a similar situation.  Not quite to the extent of this guy...not many are to this extent.  Nonetheless, her boyfriend is very controlling.  He has moved her out to his community, away from her hometown and everything and everyone she's known all of her life.  He won't let her have friends....only his friends can be her friends.  They live so far back in the woods...there are no neighbors who she could have as friends.  He has set a limit as to how much she can see her family (once a week).  She had a car, but it broke down, and he won't get it repaired for her.  She doesn't have a job right now and stays home and cares for their 2 year old son.  She has worked in the past, but he much prefers her to stay at home.  He controls the money.  She is not allowed to even have input on the budget at all...so, in turn, the bills are constantly paid late (with services cut off frequently).  He accuses her all the time of seeing other men...how could she???

    My husband and I have begged her to come back home and bring her son with her too.  We're so afraid that this controlling nature and emotional abuse of his is going to escalate into physical abuse.  She will not leave him.  Says he is such a good father to their son...although he fights with her and calls her names in front of the child.  How on earth do we convince her to get away from him before it's too late.  We urged her to leave him before there was even a child involved in it....and she wouldn't leave him.  Said she didn't want to hurt his feelings.  Said he was like this because his own father abused his mother and she felt sorry for him.  What do we do?  Any suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated.