Topic : 04/27 Obsessive Love: The Drama Continues

I agree, I watched the shows and feel that she needs help as well. I feel in listening to what they have said he is totally wrong and OVER THE TOP. She however, is also wrong. She has done things in the marriage that are deceitful.

I have been in a abusive relationship, a long time ago. Being on this side, I have to take some of the responsibility. I stayed. I allowed him to take over and control me. I could have gotten help. I could have left. I could have done a lot of things. But I did not do it!

Years later and wiser, I know I have no obligation to anyone, but myself and my children. 

I am very happy and healthy, as are my children.

The verbal, financial, emotional and sexual abuse this man has perpetrated on this woman is nothing short of insanity.  No, he hasn't physically abused her, but did you not hear her say she just wished he'd go ahead and punch her - that pain would be gone a lot sooner than what she was living with.

Jeff is a sad, sick but extremely dangerous man.  The countless women who have posted their experiences here are a testament to the relevance of what Jennifer was saying.  Don't discount her or their heartbreak just because they don't have bruises to show for it.

Qwarrior suggested you google verbal and emotional abuse.  I second that motion.

Hi,

Thanks for writing.

I thought you might be interested in knowing what some judicidal systems do to some people.  I was raised by my grandparents after my Mother died.  He was a lawyer who became a Mayor, then a District Attorney and then a Judge so I know lots and lots about law.  So far, so good.

Fast forward to the separation. (my g-father is now dead, sadly). I'm in another state BUT have friends who are Judges, atty's etc who are advising me daily.  So far so good, I thought.

WELL,  my ex hired an attorney who is MARRIED to  a Judge in the SAME courthouse as the Judge who presided over our case.  AND is the same Judge who presided over HER divorce 20 years ago.  The two women  are close friends.  I didn't know this until it was too late for me to protest it.  His attorney has been sanctioned 2 times by the Bar association for unethical behavior.

And my case was no exception to her desire to totally destroy the client.  Everything was her way or no way.  The Judge sided with my ex on 90% of everything.  I only received attorney fees for 50% of the two year separation. The other year I represented myself.  I was never allowed access to any of our assets.  My temprary alimony that was supposed to "keep me in the style to which I was accustomed?"   A joke:  $1,000 per month plus use of my car.  That went on for 15 months when an attorney got it raised to $1,500 per month. ($50/day)    You should have  heard all the attorneys talking about it.  I can turn in a complaint against the Judge at any time for not following the Judicial Canons of our state.  But, I would have to do so at risk of being sued.  If "I" tell anyone I filed a complaint and they don't file a formal complaint against her then "I"am liable for her reputation.  Judges and other court experts have blanket immunity from any decision they make regarding a case.  Meanwhile the plaintiff and respondent  don't have that luxury. 

I should have walked away with equity in my home of at least $250,000 for me and for my ex.  (a total of $500,000)  Instead the Judge gave me my 20 years of equity in its' entirety to HIM ALONE stating the house was too big for me.....She gave him the entire $100,000 severance package that I was entitled to 50% of.  So, right there, in cash, he had already received $600,000 in CASH before the rest of the things were split.  He got the assets (90% of them), the dog, the kids, the investments.  He pled poverty crying, through his attorney he had depleted his assets for the length of the divorce.  When, in reality, he had just finished building a 3,000 SF custom home in another state.  He closed on the new home that was never revealed to the court 7 days later.  How nice that MY 20 plus years of 14 transfers, etc. went to pay for his paid-off home for him and his new wife.  While I was literally homeless for 2 years.  At 1,500 per month, I didn't qualify for ANY type of rental.  In my area, your rent can't be more than 25% of your income.  So, I would have qualified for s 250 per month rental.  Shall we shall my car was literally safer?  My new BMW wouldn't have lasted the night.

It is the state's domestic violence department that has helped me so far and put me in a confidentiality program.  I have a safety plan, etc.

Attorney?  No one wants to gets involved with a woman whose opposing attorney is married to a Judge.  Futher, his attorney called back everyone that WAS interested in the case and told them that I was a substance abuser after the multiple hospitalizations, a chronic liar, etc.  And given, they are all attorneys who just might see each other again, 99% of them chose not to get involved.  The one I did get was afraid of the Judge's wife & afraid of our actual Judge.

I know by talking to other attorneys and by talking to hundreds of people, literally, that he is in contempt of court by his behavior.  But, if I've gone two years without getting what was court-ordered to me, what am I to do?  I'ved asked, pro se, three times for my money.  Three times, his attorney has gone to the Judge with some procedural that I didn't follow to justify why there should be a denial.  Once she put I "failed to serve" my ex.  Well, I have a receipt for her fax that she did indeed receive it.  So she lied to the Judge.  My ex lied over and over to the Judge.  But, if the Judge doesn't like you, well, I'm pretty much doomed.

I know I sound negative.  I'm just worn out and tired and alone and broke and sick and frustrated at the lack of integrity I found at the expense of a HUMAN BEING.  I can not tell you how many authorities I've told a about the abuse of me and my children and NO ONE wants to get involved.  In most states, unless a person has physical contact with you, then the police consider it a civil matter.  Being put in my car in 40 degree weather is not against the law according to the police.  WHAT????.

Starving your son is going unnoticed, too.  Don't the people at his school notice anything at all????

Thank you for caring.  It means a great deal. 

But, as you will notice.  I only got 3 replies.  So, people either find it too painful to read or just don't really know what to do.  It is the same in life which is why what Dr. Phil does is so very important. He can't save the entire US but he is helping as much as he can.  And for that, I am very thankful.

I agree that Mr. Airforce decided to side with the wrong devil on this one.  Jeffrey is a poor excuse of a man and I would think that men would be ashamed to identify with him.  He went out and chose himself a girl that he could control and then when ahead and did just that.  As for Mr. Airforce I understand some of your complaints though you do seem to be very bitter about a divorce that seems to have happened a long time agot.  I do take great excepetion however, with you calling your child from your first marriage your ex-family.  I'm sure that your son does not think of himself as your ex-family and I'm saddened to hear read you refer to him as your ex-family.  I'm assuming that you divorced his mother not him.  I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt and assume you mispoke, but I'm willing to bet that like Alec Baldwin that you have mispoken like that to your child and you should get busy repairing that damage immediately. 

The older I get the more I'm beginning to believe we have it wrong in this society.  It seems to me that possibly men and women were never meant to spend so much time with each other.  In other human societies where people aren't so isolated into nuclear families men and women spend most of their time with member of the same sex.    Women spend most of their time with other women, their sisters, mothers, aunts and other women.  And men spend most of their time with other men.  They don't rely so much on the opposite sex to meet their emotional needs.  I'm not saying that marriage isn't an important institution, though I'm not convinced that it is, but in these societies it seems to work better because men and women do not depend on one man and one woman to get all of their needs met.  In a society like I've described, Jeffrey probably would have been dealt with by the other men, Jen's brothers would have objected, his family would have been ashamed.  Oh I know that domestic violence existed in these societies also, but not so much in the tribal societies, mainly in the societies where the church condones the man being the head of the house.  I know that I got way off on a tangent here, but I can't help but think that it is harder to isolate someone in an extended family society.

It is so hard, isn't hon!  Me too.......emotional and physical.  We think that this "ONE" thing, is forgiveable. We can put up with it and keep the peace.  Then "they" give us one more thing, and another and another.  Then, one day we wake up and we have lost ourselves completely.  Stuck in a world that is painful and horrid.  So if we leave, what is the average pay we may get?  Minimum wage!  What apartment can you afford on minimum wage? NONE!  Even with a few dollars more per hour than minimum wage...........NONE!!  So, the choice is the shelter or  living in your car.   Which of these is a mother going to choose for her kids.  NONE!

What are our options??   NONE!!  So, we stay.......  and it gets worse and worse.

I agree with the candle theory.   You get to a point that it is clear that you have had so much heaped on you, that you cannot see any hope.  Hope is getting out, though.  Hope is living a life that is free from abuse. 

I hope that you found a way out.  I did but it is hard and terrible for my kids.  But it is abuse free.   That is a blessing.

A man crying for forgiveness for something he created...  It's strange the way you feel being on the watching side instead of the receiving one.  I've lived this and now my children are in the middle of all the grief when the abuser can't directly control me but uses the children instead.  So now what do you do?  I've made every attempt to clean up the bad and start again new, yet my boys are in the middle.  I lived through the "I'll kill myself and you"... "you'll never have a life without me...I'll never let you",  "your mom's boyfriend is a child molester",  "I'll turn the boys against you and take them from you",  "Even after I'm married, I'll continue to do this as long as I want",  "Nobody can stop me", "your the one who is crazy", and etc....

This show was enlightening for me as well as others.  Never at home because of my crazy school, work, and kids schedules, but some how I turned the TV on to this episode.  I have other family members who caught it too and just couldn't believe how close to home it struck.  But, the question still remains...What do you do when you make the decision to get out and the person you left continues to use all the abusive tactics and involves the children?  Manipulates everything good and right you're trying to accomplish because of the fear most abusers feel...The loss of control.  I have been out of the marriage for 3 years, 14 years of the relationship and my eight or nine times of going back, I've not seen much relief.  Thank God for my strength and will to be free, or I would've never made it this far.  From the devastation of realizing what my life had become and now to this very day when I see so much hurt felt by all 3 boys, I have to believe my life, my story, and who I am will make a difference for someone else one day.  Hopefully this story from the show has a happy ending.  For me, I'm still praying the jusitice system and my efforts make a difference.  My boys deserve the best in life!  All three are honor students with bright futures, handsome, and very intelligent. This is only a piece of the story.  I hope to see a future show with information regarding children and how you keep them from feeling all the pain when you've already been through it yourself. 

You're welcome!  It is hard for people who have not seen this kind of abuse  to understand.  There is such a tendency for some to focus on the end and not what got them to that point.  Thank you for sharing your opinon and understanding.

Best Regards!

My largest question for everyone is how much are you worth?  I don't know about any of you but I am worth a solid relationship.  I deserve a husband who respects me, loves me and treats me like I am the best woman in the world.  Our relationship has not always been perfect.  We have been in counceling a few times, and there was a problem outside the marriage.  Either you deal with your problems together or you don't.  I have learned that everyone makes mistakes, some a lot worse then others but it is your choice to go on and learn from the mistake or to do it again.  I feel that Jennifer made a mistake and went outside the marriage and although most of us might feel that she needed to do this she needs to have enough respect for herself to get the help to get out and go on and not to cheat.  As for Jeffery, WOW, I guess I am totally uncertain.  I do not feel that he is emotionally sound and I do believe he is a danger to Jennifer and to the kids.  I know all of this is just our opinion but self respect is the major issue here! 

-Sincerely,  -sound but not perfect!