Topic : 07/06 “Call it Off!”

anybody can change or even say they have changed...but from experience,  be sure you know the person before you ever agree to say "i do." In the beginning, everyone puts on a good act and you really think positive things of that person...then before long, you start seeing the TRUE colors of that person. For both of you, be smart about it, marriage is not something to rush NOR is it something to jump into because it seems like the fun thing to do.

...when they speak from their concern. What do these siblings have to gain if their brother does not get married? Like Dr. Phil said of the first young woman's parents, "Do they have a dog in this fight?" I don't think they do. I see these two latter young people and believe that the 30-year-old woman is desperate for help with herself and two young children; and the 19-year-old is late in being responsible for himself (e.g. has had no job, talks like a child: "If it will shut them up...") much less is he ready to be a responsible husband and father of two.

It seems to me that both of these two need to be independent from their folks before they can honestly say that they are ready to be marriage partners. You don't launch a ship while there are still gaping holes in the sides.

I think Dr. Phil's advice for the first two is good also for the second two: go out on your own for 90 days--get a job, an independent living arrangement, and live like that without contact for 90 days. If after that you still want to be together, then you'll be more prepared for marriage.

I am 42 and my boyfriend of 6 months is 45. I have three children and he has one. (We're both competently employed (teacher/marketing director), and we each live independently.) We fell in love quickly and have been developing a healthy friendship since we met. We have a slow and steady plan for blending these two families. When everyone is ready, then we'll get married...or not. Marriage and our children are worth this preparation time and sacrifice.

Sunny

I don't think it's fair for the 30 yo woman to marry this kid.  He's just 19, he needs to date a while and work in the real world before marrying period!  Marriage is hard enough and now he wants to marry into this mess.  The woman has THREE kids.  Now all of a sudden, he's a dad after knowing this woman a total of two weeks.  Instant family, just add water. 

So now, all of a sudden he's husband AND dad, just like that.  That's a lot of adjusting, and having ONE kid all by it's itty-bitty self is HARD.  Now, he's a stepdad to three.  He's going to go into crisis mode because I'm not convinced he knows who HE is. 

Second, when she gets older, he's going to have to carry the burden of supporting them.

This woman seems mega manipulative to me.  My brother has a girlfriend who is ubber controlling, and she's HIS age!  My brother's girlfriend flirts with my other brother, and I suspect that she's trying to play them off of each other.  She'll compare them and comment on how much thinner the other brother is in comparison.  Then he'll pull a muscle trying to exercise for her, for example.  I thought of this because this woman is doing the SAME thing to control this guy, I can practically SMELL it on her!  She seems like the type to play mind games, and needs to find a PARTNER, not some kid she can exploit.

To all you 30 something posters that married teenagers.  Consider yourselves very lucky I'm not your MIL because I would have kicked your sorry behind across the street before you ever got close to my child.

For the record YOU CAN CONTROL who you fall in love with.  It is all a matter of removing yourself from the situation.  That is like saying I have no control over robbing a bank, yes I do it is called self control. 

In the first segment, the only explanation the girl could give for why she loves this guy is that he was nice to her.  That sounds a bit inadequate to me.  Could it be codependency?  I hear you about the actions you would take if she were your daughter.  You could use me as a witness and I'll swear he attacked you!  This guy may be cleaning up his act, but it is a long way from clean right now. 

I think you got both cases just right.  Great job.

Hopefully YOUR marriage will work out, but all the stats are against you.

Most marriages are happy at year 1. Add a few more and things may or may not be different. For your sake, I hope you two are happy and not the norm.

Too bad you didn't decide to go to college, have dates, have time out with girlfriends and get to know YOU as an adult before being committed to another.

At age 34, I saw 19 year olds as the children they were. Heck, I taught them in my high school classroom the previous year!!! They are STILL children...growing children who should be out on their own becoming INDEPENDENT. I will NEVER understand what mature MAN (or woman in his 30's, 40's) would want to be married to a child.

I did more growing in those college years than ever! I married at age 26, just two months before my 27th birthday. That was 18.5 years ago! Thank GOD I took that time (between high school and marriage) to learn who I was and spend time doing all the things I wanted to do. Marriage can be wonderful (mine is), but it's a HUGE responsiblity and not meant for children. It's meant for EQUAL partners. Economcially, it's doubful you are an equal partner (due to your young age and lack of education). That complicates a marriage.

Again, God bless you and your marriage. I just hope you don't add to the usual statistics regard to your type of marriage. There are always exceptions; I pray your relationship falls into that category.