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Topic : 08/27 Bully Dads

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, April 27, 2007, 02:00:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/02/07) They threaten, scream, intimidate and even bite. They’re not tantrum-throwing kids … they’re bullying dads! Shannon has only been married for three months but says she’s ready for a divorce. She says her husband, Kevin, calls her kids “fat,” “lazy” and “losers,” and has physically assaulted her son. She even called the police on him three weeks before their recent wedding. Kevin says he feels like he’s being pushed to his breaking point and intimidates his stepchildren because he is not allowed to punish them. To find out what was going on, Dr. Phil set up cameras in the couple’s home. You won’t believe what they reveal! Can Shannon and Kevin save this marriage, or was it doomed from the start? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 30, 2007, 4:48 pm CDT

Wow, this is really something...is it a New Age Thing?

This is so personal...and hits so hard! I am currently living under this circumstance except that my daughter's father does not hit her...she is only 3 years old. He costantly yells, screams, and demeans her so much. Just the other day he told her to "plop her butt down". I was overwhelmed, distraut and then some. I have called the cops on him but they tell me that since there is no physical abuse no laws have been broken. I have been trying to talk to him about the way he treats our daughter but he doesn't want to listen. I have called 311 and I have further sent inquiries to nyc.gov seeking advise and help but no seems to be listening.

 

This is certainly Not a way of life for anyone but sometimes we are just victims of circumstances. Please sit back and look at your family and what you are doing to them if you love them then treat them with more dignity and respect. It doesn't cost a thing just effort and that is a gift already given to us as humans by our creator. Hope you guys can find a way to make life better for each one of you. God bless you and may he help us all!

 
April 30, 2007, 6:44 pm CDT

Bullying Dads There is NO excuse!

Quote From: marlene67

Been in those shoes - I say if one has children from a former marriage, they should not get re married as the men always have a jealous row in that situation as those children are not his kids and some men act like children and do not want to share his love.  That goes for women too who walk into a package deal.

Not good, I had walked out over 20 years ago and it still haunts me to this day and my Son is still feeling the pain of those measly four years I tried to mend the marriage.

Not good and nothing will change,  many sorry's said, but next day, next month it will be the same as before.  If the Children are hurting it is time for The Mother or Father to stand up for their own flesh and blood, so there are no life times of guilt on anyone's shoulder.  I lived it

been there and still suffering. 

I was married to a man whom upon me giving birth to "our" son, he began to treat my 5 year old daughter the same way.  He would berate her, put his fist in her face and once tried to suffocate her with a pillow because she would stop crying.  There is NO excuse for this type of behavior under NO circumstances.  I feel for those who are being affected to this outrageous, henious treatment to any child. 
 
May 1, 2007, 8:34 am CDT

Who are you waiting on to help you?

 
May 1, 2007, 12:55 pm CDT

I know this person

 I saw the trailer for Bully Dads.  It looks just like my brother.  Exactly like the way he treats his family.  Many of us want to turn him and his wife into Childrens Services but, as of yet they have done nothing when they have been called in the past.  The kids are so brain washed that they will lie about the abuse they suffer on a daily basis.

Both parents (if you can call them that) have gone to counseling in the past but snow job the shrinks.  Then laugh about it later saying how they just tell them what they wanted to hear or just leaving out stuff.  Yeah thats real funny...
 
May 1, 2007, 4:01 pm CDT

Don't Let the children be Destroyed !

It was crazy for Shannon to ever marry this bully called Kevin.  I would have got rid of him right after she called the police on him, before they got married. Allowing him to bully, assault and demean your children is bad mothering and judgement on your part Shannon.  I don't mean to be a horrible person, as you must be terribly stressed over this, and that's why your on the Show of course.  I wonder how your children's father feels after all this. I am surprised he's not in the picture. Perhaps there is a good reason for it, as my ex-husband would have punched Kevin's lights out by now and would have made provision to have the children taken off me. Kevin, it's not your job to discipline the children, as Dr.Phil  says all the time, and for that there is  a reason.

It doesn't work.  Plus your a bully at that and have no right to touch those precious children.

If I were you i would get some therapy for your anger problems and any other emotional problems you need to sort out for yourself, so you can become a decent human being. Shannon, I would take my children and leave, or get Kevin to go off.  Have a long break from each other, and have counseling or therapy which I'm sure Dr.Phil will offer you . Then with a clear mind you can make decisions benefitting your life and of your children's lives.  I left a man I was going to marry because he disrespected my children, I told him to get lost. I didn't want to cause any more hurt than they were experinceing already.  It was the best thing I ever did.

Sincerely yours,

Lory(Australia)  

 
May 1, 2007, 4:03 pm CDT

05/02 Bully Dads

Quote From: davewriter

Hi, Marlene , this is David.

 

I caught your quote that, "if one has children from a former marriage, they should not get re married."  To that I say, "Surely, you jest!"

 

I think it's quite obvious that Shannon married Kevin because her kids' bio father walked out on them when he tired of that family, and she was eager to provide a fatherly-type man for her sons.  However, I think she went over the eagerness boundary, became as desperate as those Wisteria Lane housewives, and, like Jessica Simpson, married the FIRST MAN who was willing to put out (Kevin.)  I'm just wondering how long they dated before they married.

 

As for your earlier quote: I have to ask, was that you son's stepfather that you walked out on?  Is the biological faher in your son's life somehow?  If the answer to the latter question is "no," then I think you'd make a mistake by not re-marrying.  Who did your son have as a "fatherly-type figure?"  I always believe that it's very important for a child to develop a strong bond with a same-sex parent.  You say that, "the men always have a jealous row in that situation as those children are not his kids and some men act like children and do not want to share his love."  Maybe the latter can be true, but certainly not the former.  Oftentimes, if a woman tells a man that she has children from a former union, and down the line, he sees the woman suffering and sobbing due to painful memories suddenly flooding back, and she tells him stories of how her son's biological father used to beat him and intimidate him (like Kevin does,) then that man will strive and do whatever he has to to be a better father to that boy.  This is especially true if said new man has children (presumably a son or two) of his own and, in rare times, the man bonded with the girlfriend's son BEFORE meeting the mother he would eventually fall in love with.  I know I'm talking like a fantasy romance novel pitch, but believe me, there ARE men like that out there.  You just have to know where (and how) to find them.

 

I might not know how you feel about this, but I'm certain that if you had a daughter and not a son, you'd have an overwhelming desire to avoid re-marriage entirely, so you can concentrate on bonding with your same-sex child.  I know that if I were a single father to girls only, I'd have to at least think about re-marriage.  I could do a good job on my own, but I know I wouldn't hold a candle to a motherly-type female figure who would give them the love, wisdom and guidance the need to become women themselves.

 

I'm aware that this may not be what you want to hear, Marlene, but this is a very humble opinion that I have here for you, as lopsided as it may sound.  It's like I advised to Shannon earlier - you can do much better than a lout who doesn't care - always!

I agree with both of you to an extent, I think if you choose to remarry, then the onus is on the BIOLOGICAL PARENT to set down the groundrules BEFOREmarriage, premaritial counselling and parenting classes are a way the couple can bond with each other and develope strategies for dealing with the inevitable problems that arise, girls also benefit from having a male role model as well.

BUT, if you choose to avoid marriage, then I think its wise (especially for boys ) to get them involved with Boy Scouts, sports teams, Big Brothers etc. to provide them with the positive Male role model they need.  Try as we Might, we Moms just DON'T understand what it is to be a teen boy, or a pre teen boy or any boy, girls too can benefit from positive male role models as well such as coaches, grandfathers and uncles, just as long as any role model you allow is POSITIVE.

Sometimes I think people rush into marriage without thinking about WHO its going to affect either short term or long term, and when you have kids, the stakes are way too high to rush into things without THOUGHT and long term planning,you mentioned daughters, and that you could be a nuturing caring father is a WONDERFUL thing, Grandmothers, aunts, Big Sisters could help in the girl department so that a man also dosen't feel the need to rush into marriage with someon who could harm or traumitize their children.

 
May 1, 2007, 8:25 pm CDT

Trouble

Quote From: trouble

I for one have lived with a bullied dad....all during my younger years my dad would drink, come in and pull me and my siblings out of bed and beat us for no reason at all, if we were 1 minute late from coming in from playing outside he would meet us at the front door with a belt wrapped around his hand and beat us with the buckle...he would call us names and tell us we were worthless....we hated the weekends in fact we hated everyday that we lived, he wasn't happy until he beat us...however he never ever touched our mother, ( i guess because he saw his dad hit his mom and didn't think a woman should be beat) But there were so many times when i was younger that i wished him dead!  I hope and pray that God has forgiven me for wishing that on my father..he died back in 1978...(my mom died in Jan of 1978 then he died in sept. '78) i will never understand why he did this to us....we never heard a i love you from either of our parents...this person needs to get out...emotionally it has put a scar on us but we do tell each other we love one another(brothers and sister)...i will never ever understand how a parent can beat up their own kids....but it has made me  a stronger person in some ways i have never beat my kids as i didn't want to see them go through what i did...i have a hard time at times thinking about it and its hard to go to his grave to put flowers on his stone cold grave i do it for my mom and my mom only...i talk alot about my mom but i find it overwhelming to talk about him...i only talk about him when i hear people back talk to their parents and i say you know my father would beat me for that or i will say oh heck my father beat us all the time!!! this makes me mad when this goes on ;back when it was happening to me there was NO HELP!!! Oh yeah my dad was a member of the VFW in Mi when this was going on and all his drinking buddies worked on the police force so there you go!  When we moved to the south no one cared , his realitives didnt even care enough to help and do you know why!? because they said they were afraid of him and it was none of their business BUT they did feel SORRY for us....yeah right!!!!  I sometimes wonder what would have happen to him if he killed one of us? 

 

I feel so sad that you had to endure such abuse as a child growing up.  You have done a remarkable job of healing yourself.

 

I would like to suggest that you read, "Toxic Parents," by Susan Forward.  I think this book may give you some insight into the dynamics of your parent's relationship. The book really gave me the tools that I needed to get my mind around things in my life. 

 

My mom died at age 36, my dad is still alive and still an angry man at age 88.  One sis was physically abused, the rest of the family was "ONLY" verbally, emotionally and spiritually abused.  The old 'sticks and stones' thing. 

 

One sib has totally detached, the rest of us have minimal contact with dad.  We all moved away, some far away.    Like you, I never heard an "I love you' from either parent.  I don't think either one had love to give; to each other or to the kids.  So sad.  I've learned to mother myself and to be my own best friend.  Finally.  I am 65.  It has been a life-long journey away from hate, bitterness and self-destructive behaviour to a sort of resolve, and finally forgiveness...for me. 

 

I wish you all the best that life has to offer! 

 

ssoganty

 

 

 

 

 
May 1, 2007, 11:42 pm CDT

How to Help?

I feel so incredbly sad for these children.  How in the world can we, as outsiders, help these kids?   Where can they find safehavens? at school?  Are there any teachers who can provide a proper male role model for them? Take them under their wings? Provide after-school activities to keep them out of that "home"?  Is there a Boys-and-Girls Club nearby? 

 

I call on all the sane adults of this world to watch ALL of the children with whom you come into contact.  They are ALL our responsibility.  Please, do your part.

 

 

 
May 2, 2007, 12:33 am CDT

Yes dear,

Kevin keep it up and you WILL learn how to say "child support", Yes judge i'll be glad to pay that much support, and last but not least, i knew i could live on $1.50 a week.
 
May 2, 2007, 1:01 am CDT

It's not always the "step-" factor

 factor

Throughout my childhood, the person that I was told that was my genetic father; would kidnap me, bring me to the airport and try to ship me somewhere, bring me to adult white-supremist clubs, break my bones, and race down winding mountain roads behind my mom's back. I faked being a racist just to please him just so that he would bring me back home.

Mom had no idea of what went on and I thought it was normal for dads to be that way at the time. He would constantly call me "ugly", "evil", "dog", and smile as if he said something to be proud of. He never once said anything positive about me in my whole life.

When someone else, a sexual predator mom and dad team, tried to kidnap and was caught, he refused to press charges and convinced my mom not to because it was it my fault for attracting [those people]. I was 11 years old.

My mom never left him. He has the social skills of a 5 year old. He threatens not just myself but my mom and sometimes outside people. He is a coward, he runs at the slightest hint that he has ticked someone off but he cannot resist the urge to threaten and provoke other people.

Today, he is the same person he always was. People like that do not change. I don't want to say anything bad about my mom so I will just say that she still puts up with him. She feels that a "lot of fathers are just that way", she is very depressed and I doubt there is any light at the end of the tunnel for any of us. Mom is not in a social-fiancial shape to leave him.

What hurts me the most is seeing other girls being "spoiled" by their dads, "step-" or not, I just feel cheated out of not having a real dad.

 
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