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Topic : 08/07 Torn Between Two Husbands

Number of Replies: 2191
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Created on : Friday, May 04, 2007, 12:03:45 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/08/07) Is it possible to be in love with two men at the same time? Orlena is desperate for help. She says she still has feelings for her ex-husband, Chad, and she adores her current husband, Brent. Chad is a soldier and when duty called, he fought in Iraq. He returned home a changed man and their love shattered forever. What changed Chad, and what caused Orlena to leave him? Devastated and heartbroken, Orlena moved on and into the arms of Brent. Two months after marrying Brent, Chad called and begged Orlena to come back. Find out Brent's strong message for Chad. Since Chad made initial contact with Orlena, they have talked numerous times, and he even spent three days visiting her. What has she been saying to Chad, and are the chats appropriate for a married woman to have? And, will Orlena honor her commitment to Brent or return to the man who broke her heart? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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May 7, 2007, 4:58 pm CDT

How dare you??????

Quote From: jamesfq

Im trying to figure out what is up with these men? Why would they even be a part of this? Why would they love someone like her? Is she rich? Good in bed? Im mean shes not even pretty, average sure, but definitely not a looker.

If my wife started seeing her ex-hubby like this and put me in the position Brent is in, I'd hit the raod faster than lightning. I find this whole situation ridiculous.

Maybe the war did change Chad, maybe he was smarter than this before and now he's lost all his judgement. Not sure what Brent's excuse is other than he's just a sucker for an average face.

Bottom line, she loves neither man to put them in this situation. I find her to be totally selfish.

Are there kids involved? Im not sure if that was mentioned.

You're missing the whole point of this situation in my opinion. What does her looks have to do with anything? Is she responsible for her lack of beauty? They both care for her because unlike you, beauty is only skin deep.  Is your wife a former Ms. Universe? I doubt very much.  

It's so easy to pass judgement when the shoe is not burning your foot.

You find her selfish, I find you totally ignorant, if I may say so myself.

When we find ourselves in difficult situations like this one, then is when we realise that the solution is not as easy as when we're on the outside looking in, like you,for example.

We never know exactly what we will do until we are presented with a situation, so stop judging and making stupid statements. These are the facts of life that play out in society every day. It could happen to any of us, so stop burying your head in the sand like the proverbial ostrich. This is life.

 
May 7, 2007, 5:02 pm CDT

05/08 Torn Between Two Husbands

Quote From: brachan

Love is love. It is beyond definition. And, besides, sexiness is relative. What I think is sexy might be completely different to someone else. For example, I don't find women with necks stretched by golden rings attractive, but I don't look down on anyone who feels differently. And I think that she is pretty and in a very tough position. I honestly wouldn't know what to do in her situation.
I completely agree...

(For the record, I do not think this is an unattractive woman, as a matter of fact I remember thinking she was quite pretty during the commercials...just goes to prove your point further! LOL)
 
May 8, 2007, 12:17 am CDT

Tough choice

I understand how this girl must feel.  I am married to a two-time Iraq war Army vet, and the relationship my husband and I had during his deployments was rocky at best.  Those men go through a lot of changes over there just to cope with being away family, let alone living with the fear of dying.  Now we are happily married and even though we still are working through some deployment issues emotionally, I understand how hard the past few years have been on him as well as me.  Deployments have just as strong of an effect on families and loved ones at home as they do on the soldiers.  The problems occur because the recovery methods from these experiences are different.  Soldiers aren't used to having contact with loved ones and have taught themselves to shut down emotionally and always have their guard up, so they are slow getting back to that routine once the inital greetings pass, but that's what families crave and they instantly want as much emotional and physical contact possible.  I have seen both sides of deployment, being at home, and now I'm deployed supporting US forces in Afghanistan.  Luckily I have my husband here with me, however I am experiencing the emotional breakdowns from being so far away from my close family back home.  It's hard, and what these men and women do takes more strength than anyone could imagine. 

 

As for the girl who spoke about this Marine should have not gone to war and should have thought about killing innocent people before he joined the military:  People like them work long and hard and sometimes end up dying so you can make such radical statements.  Joining the military is not signing up to kill innocent people, it's signing up to protect those you love and the most fundamental rights guarenteed to us by this great country.  I respect your opinion and recognize your right to feel that way.  I would just hope you check on your facts before you comment on such things, because I'm pretty sure all of those people who died on September 11th were innocent too.  The innocent and civilians are not targets, they are the ones we protect.  Most of the time when civilians die, it is from insurgent violence, and not from coalition forces.  No one is over here to harm the innocent, and the troops here do a lot to improve the lives of the locals here.  Jobs are created, troops buy goods and create business for shops, aid is handed out, and most importantly people can travel the streets without fear of being beaten by police for any sort of infraction.  I, as a western woman who does not cover her hair, wears conservative, but still western clothes, can walk the streets in Kabul alone without fear of harm.  No one is here to hurt the innocent. 

 
May 8, 2007, 2:08 am CDT

I Can Relate....

I was in a very similar situation as Orlena so I can sympathize with what she is going through.  I had a one true love who didn't want me.  I moved on (or so I told myself I did) but my feelings were never resolved.  I found a wonderful man and married him.  My true love was always in my mind from time to time but then he came back into my life professing love and wanting me back.  For a few months I entertained the idea, after all he was my first true love.  But like Dr. Phil said, there was a reason it didn't work the first time and those things began to resurface.  I woke up and realized I made a committment to a man that I do love and who treats me 10 times better than my ex.  I feel awful for putting myself and my marriage through that torture.  I will always have love in my heart for my ex but he is an ex for a reason and I chose to move on and I am sticking by my decision and making my marriage work - however difficult it is at times.  I am learning that I need to value the man I have and I think Orlena needs to do the same with Brent. 
 
May 8, 2007, 2:10 am CDT

Leave

Orlena,

Take a step back and leave both men.  You don't love your husband as you did when you first married him.  You have idealized your first marriage and have a distorted perception of it.  Only after you have take time by yourself to regain perspective will you see that love can find you again.  Start fresh.  Don't struggle against what must happen - that's why you're in pain. 

 

been there.

 

lc

 
May 8, 2007, 2:12 am CDT

I just don't understand her

I'm an Army Wife myself,  those deployments are hard to get through and they do come back changed! You have to realize that, before you get married. When you get married to a member of the armed forces, especially these days, you know that there will be a deployment. You have to take the time and patience it takes to get your loved one back into  a normal life. You'll never know what they've seen or been through. And I think she was just to weak and not willing to put any work into her marrige with Chad.
 
May 8, 2007, 5:16 am CDT

Ex spouse should have never made contact!

Very sad that us humans don't have more respect for the covenant of marriage...more respect and love for others, more respect for ourselves and God. The ex-husband doesn't know the meaning of love....if he TRULY loved his ex-wife, he would put her happiness first (he wouldn't have contacted her once she was married to someone else).

 

I had a chance to have an affair with a wonderful, handsome man 17 years ago. I had been married just one year and we were having the NORMAL, usual problems that come with the adjustment of marriage. I was lonely and this great guy was my friend. We both found ourselves with feelings for eachother (STRONG feelings). I ended up with him at a club (after a birthday party for a mutual co-worker) and my husband (who was very trusting) had no clue about my feelings for this man (otherwise, he would have not appreciated me being at the club w/ this guy). At the end of the evening, I gave this guy a ride home. Right before he reached over to kiss me (it would have been our first sign of affection), what went thru my head was this.....

 

...should I cross that line, there's no going back. I would have broken my marriage vows, disrespected my husband, myself and God. I would be involved in a hurtful lie. My spouse did NOT deserve that. I owed him much more than that. The kiss never happened, even though I wanted it (I stopped it).

 

That night changed EVERYTHING....it may have taken a few YEARS to get over my feelings for the guy, but I eventually did it. While doing it, I worked hard on my marriage. Hubby and I sat down and I told him about those feelings. I asked him to work w/ me on making our marriage better and stronger. That was 17 years ago and we have been the best of friends/lovers since!!!!! Our marriage could NOT be better and our two children are the lucky beneficiaries of that union.

 

What we want is not always what is best. We think we "need" things/people, which in reality we don't. We can't always get what we want. In this case, the ex husband is being very selfish. My prayers are with all three of the people involved; may they have open ears and listen to what Dr. Phil tells them. However, it's very difficult to get thru to selfish humans.

 
May 8, 2007, 5:38 am CDT

What is up with YOU, not these men!

Quote From: jamesfq

Im trying to figure out what is up with these men? Why would they even be a part of this? Why would they love someone like her? Is she rich? Good in bed? Im mean shes not even pretty, average sure, but definitely not a looker.

If my wife started seeing her ex-hubby like this and put me in the position Brent is in, I'd hit the raod faster than lightning. I find this whole situation ridiculous.

Maybe the war did change Chad, maybe he was smarter than this before and now he's lost all his judgement. Not sure what Brent's excuse is other than he's just a sucker for an average face.

Bottom line, she loves neither man to put them in this situation. I find her to be totally selfish.

Are there kids involved? Im not sure if that was mentioned.

I'm sorry, Sir, but YOUR attitude about marriage is why we have an unacceptably high divorce rate in this country!

 

Marrige is about love and committment...and respect...and unselfishness...and honor...and friendship...and giving children great role models and a happy, safe home, etc. When marriage is defined by how someone looks, or how much money s/he makes or how s/he performs in bed, you've reduced it to a relationship about "stuff"...superficial stuff!

 

The happiest people I know (truly happy) are those who have been married for years and have children who are great kids. The husband and wife are a team...best friends and lovers. They work on their problems together. They handle the downs together and enjoy the ups together. They stick together against the world......supporting eachother and being loyal to eachother.

 

I have been married 18 years and have gained 110 pounds since meeting my very good looking husband. He has always called me beautiful and NEVER EVER said one negative thing about my looks. He desires sex now as much as he ever did (he still has the appetite of a teen boy!). He loves to be with me (and the kids) when he's not working at the courthouse. We "hang" together and truly enjoy eachother's company.

 

If HE cared about something as superficial as looks, our marriage would have ended YEARS AGO!!! Luckily, he knows what's important in life and he also believes in honoring committments made before God.

 

I have been married almost two decades and each one of my close friends is in the same boat. Why? Because we all learned long ago what marriage is about...and it ain't about "stuff"!!!!

 

Time to grow up, Sir. We need to get this disgusting 50% plus divorce rate down...if not for us, than for the sake of our children!!! The longer I live, the more I realize that God's teachings are so true and when we go against them, we are left with lousy consequences.

 
May 8, 2007, 5:40 am CDT

whatever!

Quote From: penny_lady

I completely agree...

(For the record, I do not think this is an unattractive woman, as a matter of fact I remember thinking she was quite pretty during the commercials...just goes to prove your point further! LOL)
Give me a break who cares how pretty she is. She needs to get over herself! She should just get a divorce and not be with either of them. Obviously she is too screwed up to know what she wants and totally needs therapy for a long time to come.
 
May 8, 2007, 6:24 am CDT

what is she thinking

from reading the prev. of the show i was wondering what orleana and chad are doing

i understand their marriage was disolved and that was that.

but i guess my take on it is that chad seems like he is not understanding that his wife moved on after their mariage was disolved. sure you could say it probably (if he really did love her) to let the mariage to disolve but she has moved on and in spite of his feelings he should leave well enough alone if not move on

and orlena should tell him to either to buzz of or divorce bret and get back with chad.

it's a black and white issue to me. either leave it alone or try to reverse it and get back together
 
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