I am also active duty military and have never commented on the message board until today b/c it hit close to home. There is so much more to the situation that most people will never understand, no matter how much it is decscribed, to include money, benefits, and most importantly, co-location, among other things.
When Orlena said that most people leave a relationship because it was bad, the feelings weren't there, it was abusive, or whatever the case may be, that is NOT true for the majority of military relationships! I know that it may sound odd, but there are so many other factors.
I commend Dr. Phil for his thoughts, beliefs, and actions, and I have always agreed totally with Dr. Phil, until today. The one thing that I don't agree with is when he asked Orlena if she was doing it for the attention. No! Orlena said that Chad was not coming back and that is how she reconciled it in her head. The military sometimes sends you in a direction that you would not have chosen in a million years and sometimes you NEED to reconcile things in your head so you don't self-destruct. It may sound like a game that she was going to lose, when she sent the papers to her then-husband, but I understand how it was a cry for attention. The military, especially leaving the country and dealing with death, has a way of focusing one's attention on other things, and not necessarily a relationship, even true love. Crazy, I know, but I just recently lost my friend in Iraq and I can tell you first-hand that you tend to think of other things, not necessarily your one true love, until in Chad's case, she was gone and he was refocused on what life was offering him. I had to leave my ex-boyfriend, whom I still love and care about, because it was not in the military's plans that we be together. We were different branches of service, different job titles, and we would NEVER be stationed together again. I did not leave the relationship because he was bad to me or neither one of us had strong feelings for each other, but that we were so young, not even old enough to drink legally, I was afraid infatuation was playing a part in the relationship and if I had waited 5 years until I was out of the military, where would we be then besides wishful thinkers?
The second point that I would like to bring up is that Orlena was not having a sexual affair, but an emotional one. Although she was naive to think that there was nothing wrong with an emotional affair, I have to say that I somewhat understand. Having intercourse while married is wrong! No ifs, ands, or buts about it!. But wondering about what you may have missed or what road lay ahead of you is different, in my opinion, especially if you have such fond memories of how great the relationship was, but it had to change, because the military, more specifically realism, slapped you in the face. Orlena, I commend you for your honestly. You know what you should technically say, especially on national t.v. to avoid criticism, yet you dove right in and told what you were really feeling. Wrong, right, or ugly, you can pat yourself on the back for your courage and honesty.
I do feel horrible for Brent because he doesn't deserve to be trapped in this emotional turmoil. He seems like an awesome genuine person and deserves to be with a woman that truely respects him! However, I do know exactly where Orlena is coming from and I do not want to bash the way she has acted. The only thing that I want Orlena to do is to make up her mind, one way or the other, and to live life with no regrets. I have been married now for over 3 years, to another military member, and although I sometimes think of how my life may have been with my ex, who was also great to me at the time, I realize that I have made a commitment, my current love is absolutely great to me, and although we need to roll with the punches that the military gives us, I have made my decision, I love him, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life, and as long as he is still great to me, I am sticking with that!
And, as I reread what I have wrote, I want to say that although I understand Orlena's situation, I do not know who she should chose as a life partner, only she can answer that. Of course Orlena will kick herself if she leaves Brett, who seems like a amazing person, but if she stays with Brett for the rest of her life, it will NOT be fair for either person. Orlena will always think, "What if?" and Brett really really deserves better than a woman who will him only half of her heart. And Chad, I do not think you are a bad person by any means. You love Orlena and she is clearly leading you on, so although you respect their marriage, you are not stalking her and she is leading you on. She needs to decide, one way or the other, and stick with it, and Chad, respect that decision., one way or the other.
Brett, you are gorgeous and deserve better, whether you stay with Orlena or not. This whole time I have been defending Orlena's situation because I see it from her side, but because I see it from her side, I am very confident telling you that many other women would love to have you, whole-heartedly, and that you should do what is best for you! I believe that matrimony should be for the rest of your life, but you still need to think of your needs.
(Original Air Date: 05/08/07) Is it possible to be in love with two men at the same time? Orlena is desperate for help. She says she still has feelings for her ex-husband, Chad, and she adores her current husband, Brent. Chad is a soldier and when duty called, he fought in Iraq. He returned home a changed man and their love shattered forever. What changed Chad, and what caused Orlena to leave him? Devastated and heartbroken, Orlena moved on and into the arms of Brent. Two months after marrying Brent, Chad called and begged Orlena to come back. Find out Brent's strong message for Chad. Since Chad made initial contact with Orlena, they have talked numerous times, and he even spent three days visiting her. What has she been saying to Chad, and are the chats appropriate for a married woman to have? And, will Orlena honor her commitment to Brent or return to the man who broke her heart? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
