Topic : 05/10 Obsessive Love: Secrets Revealed

http://lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Here's a piece I took from that site for people seeking answers or seeing themself in Jennifer's shoes.

"I feel depressed, but my boyfriend/husband doesn't seem to care, and won't help me with it.
Is it possible that my depression is being caused by my relationship?"

Symptoms of

Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused.  That's not necessarily true.   You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not have recognized that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

Take a moment to consider these questions.  Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources? 

Has your partner ever stolen from you?  Or run up debts for you to handle? 

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? 

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Pleasance I am here  I will be going back and forth between here and Abuse board

Hello momakabae,

There is a problem right now, should be fixed in a few days.  I had to black it out in case  "   this very abusive husband"  got on there , otherwise I would have had to erase all the post.   The post are still there just blacked out.  I am going to get a paid site so this does not happen again. 

We are having a really bad storm now, might have to leave for a while.

.............mike

Hi momakababe

I will be praying.

Going to sleep, have not slept much in a few days. 

good night ...mike

http://lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

from a reliable source. 

To consider whether your partner emotionally abuses you, look at the information available on physical abusers.  The patterns are similar:

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous.  They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him.  He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people.   Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise.  He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite.  He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception.  He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner.  He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much.  He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do.  He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him.  Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through.  He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel.  He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others.  He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing:  a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol.  The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other.   This is especially true when he's angry.  He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.

I don't know what to do. My husband and I are married for about two years and we have an 18 months old baby. He tells me that he needs to train this girl at her place for a soft ware but when I tell him to do it here and I need him to be here so when my son is sleeping, I can go do my workout, he gets upset and says just because you are married doesn't mean that you are more important!

 Apperantly this girl gets panic attack when she sees new people and I've seen her before a few times. I don't know what the definition of "new" is to this girl.  He says that she takes medication for that but isn't it true that if some one has a problem this much that she can't be some where new, she has to find a way to do it or quit the job. Now he doesn't even call me when I send him about 5 messages saying that I need to talk to him. The only thing he sent back to me is he'll be home about 10:30 and then we'll talk then.

He tries to make me feel like I'm oppsessed or sth. I swear I'm not. When I was pregnant with my son I was all alone in Canada and my husband was in US working. He didn't take his time off untill about a week to delivery. I feel like I'm not even fifth in his list of priorities.  

I wish I had some one to talk to. Unfortunately I have no family or friends here in US.  So I thought maybe some would here me at this moment. I need it.