Topic : 05/11 Obsessive Love: On the Run

Hello Sheila,

I just got back into town and read your posts.  Please forgive if I got this wrong, but it sounds like you have physical problems(MS), children, one disabled ,and an abusive husband that  evens threatens your disabled son.   He even makes you spank your child in fear of him doing worse. 

I have sent a link to shelters in Ohio, county by county.  Please go there and check it out

http://www.ohiodvresources.org/vicinfo/resources/helporgs/index.php?showmap=1

I hope your brother and you have a good relationship, because it would be much easier if he could assist you in this.   This is very difficult to do alone. 

We are so sorry you have to go through this.  Please stay in touch, we will do what we can.

very sincerely....mike

Mike....  you truly are an "everyday angel."

Thank you.

Pleasance

Your response is very helpful, the details of your story may be even more helpful to me and friends that I know that are early in the process of trying to break free of a controlling, abusive husband.  Could you share these details with me, of course without sharing too much to protect your privacy.  I have just filed for divorce but am still living with my husband he "will not leave me alone until the day he dies"...  you probably know the drill.  My friend is in a similar situation. Both husbands are trying to discredit us as mothers, and are gathering "evidence" against us to prove we're inadequate moms. Both of us have been basically raising our children single-handedly while dealing with a difficult controlling marriage.  Unbelievable that our parenting is being questioned by men who abuse!

Advice is needed from someone with experience.  Anyone with advice on how to navigate this legal maze?  Financial advice?  Thanks to all, God bless those on this board who have been understanding and caring.  Good night.

that's ridiculas.  I've never seen a myspace post from Jennifer & I don't remember any such thing during the show.  She has a Myspace page, big deal I know MANY adults who have myspace pages & just because one is a mom does not mean they're not a person seperate from that.  Jeffrey's ABUSING started long before any myspace page & while the poor girl was still pregnant just after their marriage!  You call someone a cheat long enough & guess what's gonna happen?  Jennifer could have been Mother Terasa & Jeffrey would have found fault.  Since Jennifer wasn't a saint to start with but rather a teenager who was ill equipt to deal with an abuser she certainly would have fallen short of the perfect ideal of what a wife & mother should be in the eyes of (once again) an ABUSER.

Abusers abuse for 1 reason only & that's because that is what they do period.  Jennifer cannot fix an abuser Dr. Phil knew this & said as much. 

with both Mike & Pleasance,  Mike you are truly a living angel  & I agree that Sheila should seek out the help of the shelter. 

Sheila many shelter's have contacts to many offers of help including legal & they'll be able to give you info on some of the things that can be done right away.  For example if &/or when you go to leave or put your husband out of the house the police will go with you & assist as you get your belongings if you're afraid.  Now I know they do this where I am but I'm not sure about Ohio & the shelter will be able totell you this.  They'll know all of the programs that are in place & all the people that offer help privately too. 

And someone else here had also mentioned that when you press charges or make a report with the police that you get a copy for your records & then keep it in a safe place.  This is exellent advice!  And to keep it safe perhaps yor brother would hold some of thiese things for you.  Also if it's possible you may want to just write down the things that happen that are not reported to the police.  On Oprah last week a woman was keeping track of the abuse of an employee before the employee had even confided in her of the abuse she'd been suffering at the hands of her husband.  The woman was simply keeping a written journal on her desk calendar of the things she saw (bruises, calling her husband "master" on the phone, calling when she got to work & just prior to leaving & when the employee was late to work which was out of character for this woman)  This written journal of this womans employer is the proof they needed to put her husband away in jail for a very long time!  And she is now free of him. 

You also want to figure out a signal or trigger word for your brother &/or anyone else that you are able to trust in case they have you on the phone or in their sights & you need the police ASAP.  For example if it is a neighbor you want to give a visual sign like the front light on in the day time or something hanging on the door so the neighbor knows to call the police.  If it's in conversation it would be a trigger word or phrase that would not seem unusual but is a signal like "I can't talk now I've got a migrane" when you both know you don't get migranes.  The woman on Oprah when she did confided in her boss had come up with the phrase "I wanted to speak with you personally!"   If she was late for work her boss would call & if she heard that phrase it meant call the police. 

As Mike has said we're so sorry you're having to go all through this.  Having MS & having a handicapped child is difficult as it is but to make it doubly hard you now have to deal with abuse too?  It's just too sad.  Please do stay in touch & let us know what's happening & if there's anything more that can be done. 

Hello whatinneed,

Keep a journal, videos, pictures ,cards from them, cards they made for you, anything of your relationship with your children.    Even the most minor  seemingly , meaningless details can show a judge how much you care and love your children.  Also, Get character witnesses on your side.  That is a commonality in all cases. 

As far as his  " evidence" against you, as long as you do the above, it will be clear to a judge what the true story is.  You see he has no evidence.  He will try to create an illusion in court.  Your lawyer should be aware of this. Try to find out what he may have against you to make it easier for you , but do not be too concerned with it.   But do take action.

My wife has an ex who was abusive.  He tried to discredit her as a mother and even went to social services.  But like most abusive people, he is clever in some ways, usually through intimidation, but they are also very stupid people. 

Anyway he was showing the judge pictures of  the first birthday party of their child at his moms house.  After seeing photo after photo the judge realized that the mother was not in any of the pictures.  The husband then told the judge that the mother was not invited to the birthday party. This angered the  judge and he was ready to rule in favor of the mother right there.

My wife had a journal in court that her lawyer referred to.  Every time the husband would try to create his illusion the journal would disprove it.  You see the journal became the hard evidence against him.  He made a fool of himself.  I know I read the transcripts of her case.

Make sure you get your name off any credit cards with him.   Open you own checking account and do not put anymore money in a joint account with him, because he is going to take it.  Go to the Internet and read up on child custody in your state and divorce and finances.  Make sure you clear your Internet history.  You do not want to give your STBX any advantage.

Please be careful and take care,

sincerely...mike

stat writing it all down right now!  If you have a job where you can leave things to safe guard them then do that & if you think your husband is smart enough to watch what you're doing online then don't do anything at home.  You can see from the way Jeffrey "watched" Jennifer that technology is just way out there & make every keystroke of the computer something that can be logged!  If you think your computer at home is being monitored then do not make plans on it, when you do go looking for info do that on another computer too (like at work) & remember that key loggers can be installed by someone doing nothing more than sending you an email that you open!  So even your computer at work could be compromised already.  You want to take any computer you're using and use a program to looke to see if it's been messed with.  You want something like a spybot search & destroy to find & wipe out any programs that were put on your computer.  There may already be one of these porgrams set up on a work place computers, because it's pretty common I think with all the risks out there & it's really just a safe guard for companies to do this on a regular basis. 

some other poster here gave a really GREAT tip the other day & I am so horrible with names & so I'm hoping she'll forgive me when I don't name her but ...........

Whether you find a spybot on your computers or not you want to open a new email account so if your husband is watching the first account it doesn't just disappear & make him go looking for a new one.  This way you can have an email account that you're free to use to gather info on without him seeing it.  As far as parenting abilities you may want to speak with or at least jot down all of the names of teachers, doctors & all of the other adults that interact with your children that see *you* on a regular basis.  These are the people you may want to get documentation from as to your parenting abilities & to find out in advance if they'd be will ing to speak on your behave if they're needed to in court.  You are correct in that it is the everyday stuff like taking them to school, who is the one contacted when a child is ill, who takes them to their activities etc.  that is doing the parenting & that is observed by others.  How often have they ever seen dad & how often have they seen you?  You want it documented.  And just like the others here when you're having conversations & threats are being thrown around "I'll never leave you alone" or "You'll never see those kids again"  write it down ......... what was said, what was the date etc.  And do call a shelter & ask to sit & speak with someone to get an understanding of your rights.  It's been years as I walked along side my sister as she "gathered info" etc.  & this is like another world for me now & these shelters are set up to do just this & that is to assist.  Also when it comes to getting finacial help & such keep in mind the people you do know.  Do you have siblings that know anyone who is in a position to help you like do you know any lawyers through siblings or friends?  check with co-workers & such to see if they've spouses could help or if co-workers are divorced ask about their lawyers & call them right up & ask if there's a fee for a consult & tell them your need.  Some times lawyers will just take a pro-bono case because it looks good or for some civic reason.  Don't be afraid to take the help for whatever the reason & don't be afraid to call & ask for it.  If you're afraid tell them that & if you want him out but he will not leave tell them that.  If all they give is a free consult then you've sat with perhaps one of the best & they've explained what your rights are & they may point you into the direction of an up & coming that is looking to sharpen their claws on something & take your case with full gusto to prove themselves.  If you know anyone who's a Rotary member that you're close enough to talk to ask if there are any lawyers who are members that may be in a position to help too.  Rotary is a GREAT source for people who are civic minded & are tops in their fields.  :) 

Good luck & check in to let peple know how it's going.