Quote From: thelittlesI was injured at work, and my boss, 12 years my senior, took me under his wing. I had been attacked by a male customer and ruptured my rotator cuff quite badly. I had just ended a relationship that started during my teen years where I was physically abused. My only true injury of all of that was my fear. My ex "took care" of me. Promised to keep me safe and such. He even spotlighted the man who attacked me while I was working so the police could catch him stalking me. Within months, he decided I should move with him 3 hours from home. I did.
I quickly noticed that this was not going to be the life for me. I was packing to move home when I got a "stomach flu." I found out 4 days into my "flu" that it was going to last 9 months. We married before she was born. He had settled down somewhat. But after she was born, it all started back up. His drinking binges, staying out all night, hatefulness. He would send me to the store with $40 for formula, diapers, groceries, and a case of beer. I survived on Ramen Noodles. Because of my shoulder, I was not working, then I was pregnant, and couldn't get a job, then I had no money for daycare, so I still had no way of earning my own money. Even when I settled the lawsuit with the man who attacked me and his employer, my ex took charge of that money. I was allowed $250.00 for new clothes. Just one of his new shirts was that much. My name was not on the account that my settlement money was wired into.
I eventually settled into trying to do what is right and best for my daughter. I started a home based daycare. When it was finally successful, he took a job transfer 3 hours away from where we were, yet still 3 hours from home. I wasn't allowed to visit as often as I wanted, and I couldn't call home because he said he couldn't afford the long distance fees. I felt isolated. I started seeking friendship via the internet, but ended up having an affair. Those "friends" who knew of the affair were the ones to told my ex. To this day, I thank them for their lack of trustworthiness. They were my way out. We continued to live together for another year and a half on separate floors of the house, until I had a job and the house sold. I rented the best home I could afford, a nasty run down hut. My heating bill was over $300.00 per month! While he earned 5 times what I was earning, I struggled to get by and to make my daughters life a good one.
In July of 2000, I got an email from someone who knew my sister's name, the nature of my father's business, and various other things about me. He actually thought he had located my sister, with whom he went to school. Turns out, he's now my husband. I have had a crush on him since I was 6 years old! Naturally, my daughter and I moved back home to live in the home that he owns. I was promoted and got a transfer with my company.
Moving forward, my ex has abused me through the legal system. He knows that our money is tight, while he pays very little child support. Having to pay attorneys fees was eating us alive. He nearly got custody simply because I could not afford an attorney. Meanwhile, he had turned his abuse toward my daughter. Pinching bruises on her neck, punching her in the eye, and slamming her backwards into a door jamb. He has taken nude photos of her, makes her bathe and dress in front of him, and made her share a room with a 16 year old male. She is in therapy, but after one of his escapades, he petitioned the court for counseling between him and my daughter. Which meant that I would have to miss a day of work every other week. My employer could not allow me to do this, so I lost my job. We are now bankrupt and losing our home. And he only attended 6 sessions, and now refuses to attend. He just wanted me to lose my job. He was hoping that the therapist would see things his way, but it didn't work. He refused to do anything that therapist said.
On the upside, I never knew I was being abused. He didn't bother me. I am better for having gone through that part of my life. But, now it is time for me to protect my child from that. I have networked and researched and reached out. I learned about Guardian ad Litem's, an attorney just for the child/children's best interest. I requested that one be appointed for my child. She now has a voice in the courtroom. I called every attorney who's number I could get and told them my story. I had it weaned down to the most important details. (abuse, bruising, documented, and no way to pay, to name a few) I have finally located an attorney who is helping me at no cost to me up front. He is going after my ex for his fees, to update child support, and supervised visitation. Things have already begun to turn around.
To navigate the legal maze, utilize the states bar associations. Financial advice....well, you'll have to do whatever you can, even if it ruins you financially. If possible, a private account where you can stash a few dollars every so often would be helpful. Use a family members address to keep the statements secret.
As far as being discredited as a mother, unless you are abusing your child, or using drugs and neglecting your child, you will be fine. Like the other posters have said, scrapbook!!!!! Start one today. Journal, start it TODAY. Start it with recollections of things that have happened in the past, and move forward from there. Network your family, friends, church, the schools, doctors, etc. Get notarized statements from them. It is very hard for a parent to challenge the other's ability to parent. (in either direction) It will only make him look like a horse's tail end. Let him gather away! But, get yourself and your kids into therapy. That alone will speak volumes of your motherly love, and document how your kids feel about what their father is doing. The bonus is that they get help dealing with this. (ironic, I know!)
In most jurisdictions, you can not get a divorce unless you've lived apart for a set period of time. The judge may very well make him leave the home for that period of time before awarding you a divorce. Likewise, the opposite could possibly happen. I would imagine that the judge would leave the mother and children in tact, just don't bank on it. If possible, have a restraining order issued to get him out of the house. I agree that the abuser shouldn't be rewarded with keeping the house, cars, etc. But, if you or your kids are in danger, GET OUT! It doesn't always mean that you lose the house. And you may very well be much happier in a new location, maybe closer to family. Just a tip, do not move out of state for now. You HAVE to notify your STBX at least 30 days in advance via certified mail of your intent and new address. If you stay in state, the law is much more lenient. You can verbally tell him your new address, incorrect as it may be! <read into that deeply!
I was only on my own for 1 1/2 years. It was hard. But I was so happy! I have very little college education, and had little work experience, and I made it. If I can do it, you can too!
PS. Even though we are losing our home...We are getting a great deal on another home twice the size of this one, half the payment, 5 acres, a pond, and a horse barn. Our dreams are coming true!
Lots of love, hope, and prayers!
Thelittles,
I know how difficult it is to put your life up on a message board in order to help others. I admire your strength and your compassion. I admire you sharing this unwanted gift you have been given. I just read your message on the "Spouse Abuse Forum" and brought it to the front. I pray that you continue your forward positive outlook and continue to encourage and inspire the many.
To each and everyone that posts a message with information, encouragement and compassion for the many that are hurting, I pray that you can continue to have the time to do so. Every little peace of information is a part of the puzzle. One thought, one view leads to another and so on.
peace to all
very sincerely...mike
The incredible drama continues involving Jeffrey, an obsessive husband who won’t let go of his wife, Jennifer. After the last show, Jeffrey is on his way back to the treatment facility, when his anger gets the best of him, and he jumps out of the car and goes on the run. He finally calls his therapist from a taxi cab, but soon after is on the loose again. After four hours and a frenzy of phone calls with Dr. Phil show producers, see what Jeffrey demands. With the stress and pressure getting the best of her, Jennifer sits down with Dr. Phil to discuss their next step. In a hurried panic, Jennifer heads home and is shocked by what she finds when she walks in the front door. She takes her kids and flees to her mother’s house. Even though she’s in a safe place, why does she say she still lives in fear? Then, Jennifer’s attorney files papers and meets Jeffrey in front of a judge. Will Jeffrey be able to comply with the judge's orders? And, Jeffrey resumes talk with the Dr. Phil staff. What is he asking for? Jeffrey’s behavior continues to shock and mystify Jennifer and leaves her with only one choice. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
