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Topic : 08/21 Anatomy of Abuse

Number of Replies: 618
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Created on : Friday, May 11, 2007, 02:29:26 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/16/07) What would you do if your spouse belittled you and threatened your life? For women who have ever endured verbal, physical or emotional abuse in a relationship, Dr. Phil helps break the silence. Amy says her husband, Lee, is volatile and dangerous. She says he has choked and kicked her, and even held a knife to her throat! Lee’s mother, Sandy, says Amy and Lee argue constantly, but they’ve never been physical. How does she react when Dr. Phil plays a tape of Lee confessing his abusive ways? Then, Amy’s parents, Cynthia and Stan, fear for their daughter’s life and don’t think she’s providing a safe environment for her kids. Amy says she loves her husband and wants her folks to butt out. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Lee joins the show via satellite because he’s on probation for a domestic violence charge, and cannot leave the state. He admits to having anger issues but says he’s working to control them. Can Lee change his violent ways? Is it possible to rebound from being with an abuser? Tell us what you think.

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May 13, 2007, 12:28 pm CDT

Please be a careful and THINK

He will change but NOT IN ALL WAYS this is HIM -and you and the kids will suffer and the scars that will carry on with thier lives and they live what they see  Get out and allow him to WORK on HIS PROBLEM which will need a lot of counseling for HIM
 
May 13, 2007, 1:11 pm CDT

Anatomy of Abuse

     What really upsets me is a lot if these people thinks it is so easy to just get out . I was a product of a abusive husband . He was mentally and physically abusive. It took me over 10 years to get out of this situation. When you really love someone so much you feel that your love will help change this person.

      When this person tells you that you are worth nothing, No one will have me but him, No one will look twice at me since I have children and have been married. When he beats you or pistol whips you. When he grabs your arm while you are driving the car and twist it while saying if I don't stop and get him some beer he will break your arm you become very scared. This person belittles you so much that in your mind you are a nobody. You become so small in self esteem that you start believing  this person that you love with all your heart.

      I had family that begged me to leave before he killed me but I thought eventually he would stop. I also was raised that you try to work out your problems for your children. They are the most important part of the situation,but when my 5 year old daughter came to me and said she was afraid of her father that was the slap in the face. I started going to ala-non with the help of a guardian angel. It took me 4 different times to walk in that door but I finally did and it saved me. I was so scared that if he found out that he would hurt me again or worse kill me.

    My self esteem started getting stronger and I got the nerve to make him leave and I stuck with it. It was a long and trying time and took over 3 years to get the divorce (because of him not me) but it happened.  Please don't judge these people for staying in such a terrible situation because down deep they are most likely afraid for their life. Hopefully someone will get through to them and they can get professional help to gain the strength to get out of that situation.

        

     My prayers are with all in this position and remember to keep GOD in your heart and it will happen.

                                                                                                           From someone who has been there.

    

    

 
May 13, 2007, 2:03 pm CDT

05/16 Anatomy of Abuse

Quote From: jlposas

I know to most people the answer seems easy...GET OUT!  it's easier said than done if you are in that type of relationship. Her parents should not butt out, they should be calling CPS and getting their grandchildren out of that house asap. She is lucky to have someone to butt in. My ex husband was abusive and belittled me every time he opened his mouth and he had me isolated from everyone. He told me when i could go out and who i could talk to, I wish i would have been  brave enough to walk out the door but it's the fear that keeps you there.  When your life is being threatend (which i'm sure is happening) it's not that easy to "just leave". I used to think people were insane for staying with a person that was like that, until i was in that position. I was sure i would end up dead some day and when i finally got the backbone to leave it was because i told myself there is no way in hell that i would stay and let him kill me and somehow get away with it and be the person to raise my children, and i was not going to let someone else raise them if he didn't get away with it.  I know how the fear can overpower you and any common sense you do have but if she has her family, she needs to let them help her get out. I hope for her sake and the sake of her children that she takes that help & if she won't then i pray that someone will help the children even if it means calling child protective services to get them out.

No, it is not easy to "GET OUT" but it can be done.

I was threatened that if I tried to leave he would kill me and my family.  Finally after 15 years, it got so bad that I decided there are worse fates than death.

I did get out and  made a new career and a new life for myself. Now as adults my kids have experienced their dad's behavior first hand and have made their own decision to break all ties with him.

My kids are good people but not without some residule effects as a result of their dad's touch on their lives.

Wish I would have left sooner.

Wonder if my adult children would have been closer to each other.

But one can't look back and second guess.  Just greatful we are all alive and as well as we are.

 
May 13, 2007, 2:05 pm CDT

not leaving -

Quote From: bactphd95

Based on the teaser, this promises to be verrry interesting, especially when you consider that this is on top of "Bully Dads" and the "Obsessive Love" series. Is any situation such as this as "simple" as it seems to outsiders? Hopefullly, viewers will begin to realize that this is not necessarily so.

 

If the teaser is accurate, Amy is being abused physically, but has no intention of getting out...what logic/thought processes contribute to this? We will all find out, I suppose.

Sometimes you can't- laws , no money etc,

Sometimes it is Betrayal/Trauma/Stockholm Bond (syndrome

Sometimes it's all you know- so you do what you know -

Sometimes you lose custody if you leave -

 

Only a few are prepared to lose everything -just in the hopes of staying alive-and thus showing by actions that horrendous abuse is - unacceptable.

 

 
May 13, 2007, 2:07 pm CDT

you know-

Quote From: jlposas

I know to most people the answer seems easy...GET OUT!  it's easier said than done if you are in that type of relationship. Her parents should not butt out, they should be calling CPS and getting their grandchildren out of that house asap. She is lucky to have someone to butt in. My ex husband was abusive and belittled me every time he opened his mouth and he had me isolated from everyone. He told me when i could go out and who i could talk to, I wish i would have been  brave enough to walk out the door but it's the fear that keeps you there.  When your life is being threatend (which i'm sure is happening) it's not that easy to "just leave". I used to think people were insane for staying with a person that was like that, until i was in that position. I was sure i would end up dead some day and when i finally got the backbone to leave it was because i told myself there is no way in hell that i would stay and let him kill me and somehow get away with it and be the person to raise my children, and i was not going to let someone else raise them if he didn't get away with it.  I know how the fear can overpower you and any common sense you do have but if she has her family, she needs to let them help her get out. I hope for her sake and the sake of her children that she takes that help & if she won't then i pray that someone will help the children even if it means calling child protective services to get them out.
Sensible message -
 
May 13, 2007, 2:09 pm CDT

Anatomy of Abuse

I have been living in a similar relationship. I found that the book below is very helpful for helping both partners in a relationship to recover. If he is unwilling to do his part, then she needs to get her and the kids away from him so that she can heal and work on herself and her kids. The unique thing I like about this book is it focuses on getting in touch with your core value, loving yourself and others, letting go of resentment. Some of the other books related to domestic violence keep the victim in the mindset of a victim. This book teaches that you are loveable, even if your spouse doesn't give you love. It helps you heal and to do what is right. In addition to working with this book, I also have been taking antidepressants, which helps me to focus more on myself and the kids and not sink into the relationship problems.

 

You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One (Hardcover)
by Steven Stosny (Author)

 
May 13, 2007, 2:14 pm CDT

there are some-

Quote From: anon_slc

The normal or neurotic couple incorporates communicative-interactive tips and interventions directed towards effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving and enhanced intimacy. The personality-disordered marriage, even when managed with strategic skill and therapeutic acumen, too often seems impervious to change. Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are: 

 

 

Treating Borderline States in Marriage:  Dealing with Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles McCormack 

 

The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple:  A Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatment by Joan Lachkar

 

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

 

There are relationships, marriages, and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave. Leave so that you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can eventually learn to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfulling life.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

Leaving - somehow IS the only answer- for what is the latest ? 2 % of all divorces ? I bet it should be higher. The choice is between leaving on two feet- or leaving in a body bag. -that's if and when your body is found - - -

 

I am glad you added the last paragraph. I endured a few "family" therapy sessions- load of   nonsense- for my ex relationship.Some therapists seem to be in la la land- think there is a reasonable answer for anything - -if you don't "go along" with the madness- you are accused by them in court -being uncooperative. Since when do victim/survivors go to the prisons to get "therapy" with their -person who tried to kill them ? Some ill-gotten ideas are sheer lunacy  - -

 

 

 
May 13, 2007, 2:16 pm CDT

escalation

Quote From: mgrlady

No he will not change.  She and the kids may very well end up dead.

 

Abusers don't/won't change their ways the MAJORITY of the time.

Right- much/most of the time- it escalates- to its (your !) final end- death.
 
May 13, 2007, 2:22 pm CDT

Thank goodness

Thank goodness the "issue" of abuse is being addressed. It is pandemic and largely hidden. Maybe some future shows will address the statistically high "lien" between wife batterers and child sexual abusers. (They grow their own victims- feel even MORE entitled to do what they want with their possessions.) Or- maybe- it is enough to stay with the abused wife for now. Unreal, the reactions to someone trying to save children - - -
 
May 13, 2007, 2:47 pm CDT

ABUSER

PEOPLE CAN AND DO CHANGE.  HOWEVER, THEY ONLY CHANGE BECAUSE THEY DESIRE THAT CHANGE.  IT TAKES LOTS AND LOTS OF THERAPY AND HARD WORK TO CHANGE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES.  THIS COUPLE NEEDS THERAPY SEPERATELY AND JOINTLY AT SOME POINT IN TIME TO RESOLVE THESE ISSUES.  ITS FANTASTIC THAT HE IS ABLE TO ADMIT HE HAS ISSUES WITH ANGER.  BUT THE REALITY IS ADMITTING THAT SMALL FACT IS SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT THAN ADMITTING HE WILL NOT/CANNOT CONTROL HIMSELF.  AS FOR GRANDPARENTS BUTTING IN.  I DISAGREE TOTALLY WITH THE WIFE.  SHE SHOULD PACK UP AND LEAVE, THUS SPARING HER CHILDREN ABUSE AND NEGLECT OR SHUT UP AND LET THOSE GRANDPARENTS DO AS THEY NEED TO DO.  IF HE IS BEING ABUSIVE TO HER HE IS ABUSING THOSE CHILDREN.  THEY ARE SETTING UP A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR THAT THESE YOUNG PEOPLE WILL GROW UP AND EMULATE.  THIS IS ABUSE AND IF I WERE THE GRANDPARENTS I WOULD CONSIDER CALLING CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES.  I WISH THAT SOMEONE HAD DONE THAT WITH MY STEP CHILDREN.  STEPPED UP AND PROTECTED THEIR INNOCENCE.  UNFORTUNATLY EVERYONE STEPPED BACK AND WAITED BECAUSE IT WASN'T ALL THAT BAD.  NOW THESE YOUNG MEN HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES CONTROLLING THEIR ANGER AND FOLLOWING CONSEQUENSES.  NOT TO MENTION LAWS OF SOCIETY.  MAYBE IF SOMEBODY HAD COWBOY'D UP THEY WOULD HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AT A BETTER LIFE.

 

 
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