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Topic : 08/21 Anatomy of Abuse

Number of Replies: 618
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Created on : Friday, May 11, 2007, 02:29:26 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/16/07) What would you do if your spouse belittled you and threatened your life? For women who have ever endured verbal, physical or emotional abuse in a relationship, Dr. Phil helps break the silence. Amy says her husband, Lee, is volatile and dangerous. She says he has choked and kicked her, and even held a knife to her throat! Lee’s mother, Sandy, says Amy and Lee argue constantly, but they’ve never been physical. How does she react when Dr. Phil plays a tape of Lee confessing his abusive ways? Then, Amy’s parents, Cynthia and Stan, fear for their daughter’s life and don’t think she’s providing a safe environment for her kids. Amy says she loves her husband and wants her folks to butt out. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Lee joins the show via satellite because he’s on probation for a domestic violence charge, and cannot leave the state. He admits to having anger issues but says he’s working to control them. Can Lee change his violent ways? Is it possible to rebound from being with an abuser? Tell us what you think.

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May 13, 2007, 2:57 pm CDT

Once an abuser, always an abuser

Once the guy starts abusing, he'll never stop, he'll only get worse.  At first, he starts off just saying he doesn't like your lipstick, then it gets bigger and bigger until he's kicking the crap out of you for saying something he doesn't like.  Anything you say is a lie no matter what you say.  And if Amy is telling her parents to "butt out" that just means for them to keep an eye out more for their grandchildrens sake. Unless Amy wants her kids to die, she needs to get help.  
 
May 13, 2007, 3:07 pm CDT

05/16 Anatomy of Abuse

Lots of people seem to think only women and children are abused my their male spouse.  However, there are lots of other spouse type and family abuse. 

 I lived with a gay lover who abused me.  This lasted for over 10 years.

 Once I got the courage to run away and never go back, I was able to learn love myself for the good person I'am and always was. NO ONE will ever abuse emotionally, verbally, or physically again.  I will not stand for it,  not even for one second.

 
May 13, 2007, 3:10 pm CDT

Once an abuser, always an abuser

My now ex husband was the exact same way!  Very nice infront of the family and behind the closed doors, very abusive.  I now understand why he told me that people DONT change, is because he CANT change his abusive behavior.  He married my sister shortly after our divorce and she found out how abusive he really was (the money didnt make the marriage any better!).  Fortunately, she and I both got out when we could and now with children involved, we find out how he is abusive to his new girlfriends.  It is very sad to know what I know and not be able to WARN the next woman he reels into his life.
 
May 13, 2007, 3:25 pm CDT

Big Words

Quote From: anon_slc

The normal or neurotic couple incorporates communicative-interactive tips and interventions directed towards effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving and enhanced intimacy. The personality-disordered marriage, even when managed with strategic skill and therapeutic acumen, too often seems impervious to change. Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are: 

 

 

Treating Borderline States in Marriage:  Dealing with Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles McCormack 

 

The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple:  A Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatment by Joan Lachkar

 

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

 

There are relationships, marriages, and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave. Leave so that you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can eventually learn to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfulling life.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

The man is "never" going to change.  He wants total control of the situation as a whole.  Her,  the children, and he himself is not accountable.  I have been there.  He will hammer her into the ground until there is almost nothing left and then some.  He wants her seen and not heard, that way he can do as he wants.  That is inclusive of everything she does, says, thinks, feels.  And I bet you anything that drugs and alcohol are involved.  If not both, then one or the other.  There is always a root of evil in situations like this.  Drugs, alcohol. bad childhood, abandonment, runiing loose without parental guidence (runaway).

Thanks Dr. Phil for bringing this to the worlds attention.

 
May 13, 2007, 3:50 pm CDT

i have been there

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, I usually pretty compassionate to the plight of abused people, NO ONE, I don't give a damn if you signed some piece of paper with them or gave birth to them, NO ONE has the right to abuse or terrorize another person.

Should her parents "Butt Out", hell no they should be there for their grandchildren, who should be removed from Mom's custody until SHE gets her head straightened out and until Dad's anger is under control, she KNOWS what he's doing, and isn't this the guy that has been doing it to the kids as well ? They both ned a time out from one another, LOVE DOES NOT HURT either party involved.  By her parents butting out, she will be further isolated, and he gets a free pass to do what he will.

For the sake of her children, she should be forcing him to get help, now saying that I know she can't really "Force him to do anything he chooses not to do, that's a fact, but her children didn't sign up for this, she has a choice, they don't so yes I feel they should be removed unless and until BOTH parents get the help they need to either A) Stay together in a healthy way, or B) are able to split up and co parent effectivly.

He can change, but it will take a lot of growing up on his part, and a lot of painful and intensive therapy and soul searching to do it.  She too can change, but it will take the same on her part, but the children are the ones who are truly suffering for it, and for their sake I hope these two can get it together.

 

my name is helen and iam 32 years old. My husband and i have just spilt up.because he was abuse to me and my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.He will swear,hit and everything else.But when he settles down he blames it all on me and the 3 kids he feels if we had just done what he said he would not have gone off the deepend.Yes there are 3 kids involved in this 2 witch are his but its me and my older daughter that will cop it and the yougest child as well the middle child seems to miss out because she is his favourite child.I have put up with this from him for 10 years i walked out once before and after 3 months i took him back cause he said he would change but he never did.We now have been spilt up for 2 months and the kids and i couldnt be more happier.Theres no way that i will take him back this time.Because i have realized that he wil not change and he dtill feels that he doesnt have a problem.He used to put the kids down all the time with name calling he would call them pigs and this and that.He had his own son not eating at school because he felt like a pig if he did eat and he became really sick from it and all most ended up in hospital because of it.My parents new that he was a bit of a loud mouth but they didnt know how bad it was until i threw him out.He is even still trying to run my life even after we have spilt up.A dear friend of mine that is a guy that i have known for over 25 years has had phone calls from him saying that it is his fault that we have spilt up.My husband even told him if he rings or writes or sends emails to me that he will come up to where he lives and knock him down a few steps.So me and my friend had to go to the police and report it.And my friend hasnt heard from him again.My enstanged husband is still blaming my friend and my family about what has happened and he still wont take any of the blame.I am just glade that he doesnt come near me or the kids at the moment because he knows i wint let him see them until he gets help

 
May 13, 2007, 4:30 pm CDT

05/16 Anatomy of Abuse

Quote From: wardie

 

my name is helen and iam 32 years old. My husband and i have just spilt up.because he was abuse to me and my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.He will swear,hit and everything else.But when he settles down he blames it all on me and the 3 kids he feels if we had just done what he said he would not have gone off the deepend.Yes there are 3 kids involved in this 2 witch are his but its me and my older daughter that will cop it and the yougest child as well the middle child seems to miss out because she is his favourite child.I have put up with this from him for 10 years i walked out once before and after 3 months i took him back cause he said he would change but he never did.We now have been spilt up for 2 months and the kids and i couldnt be more happier.Theres no way that i will take him back this time.Because i have realized that he wil not change and he dtill feels that he doesnt have a problem.He used to put the kids down all the time with name calling he would call them pigs and this and that.He had his own son not eating at school because he felt like a pig if he did eat and he became really sick from it and all most ended up in hospital because of it.My parents new that he was a bit of a loud mouth but they didnt know how bad it was until i threw him out.He is even still trying to run my life even after we have spilt up.A dear friend of mine that is a guy that i have known for over 25 years has had phone calls from him saying that it is his fault that we have spilt up.My husband even told him if he rings or writes or sends emails to me that he will come up to where he lives and knock him down a few steps.So me and my friend had to go to the police and report it.And my friend hasnt heard from him again.My enstanged husband is still blaming my friend and my family about what has happened and he still wont take any of the blame.I am just glade that he doesnt come near me or the kids at the moment because he knows i wint let him see them until he gets help

Good for you, you deserve to be happy as do your children.

If he wants to blame you and your friends, well there's nothing you can do to stop it, all you can do is do everything you can to keep you and them safe, and happy.

I really hope you stick to it and DON'T take him back, you do not deserve that treatment neither do your children.

Good Luck to you

 
May 13, 2007, 5:00 pm CDT

Run Girl

I watch my sister come home with her eyes as big as a watermelon. I told myself that I would never let a man put his hands on me and if he does he should never close his eyes because he will never wake up. BIG LIE. I stayed in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. I don't care how much you love this person run for your life. This man will kill you. You have no idea what love is because if you did you would not allow a man to treat you like garbage. How can you love a man who treats you like that. Please tell me. I hated myself and I learned to love myself that's when I realised that that's it am worth more than a that. Love or no love no man should never put his hands on a woman. Start loving yourself and then tell me if you love a man who uses you as his punching bag. This fool needs a dose a reality and I will give it to him if I can. Girl , every woman is pricelessa and you should not have to be a relationship like this. It hurts me to see young woman allow themselves to be played like a fool by some idiot. Stand up for your priceless self and say NO get up and put a stop to this.
 
May 13, 2007, 5:14 pm CDT

I will stand up!

 

I honestly believe, that no matter what a person does, they dont deserve to be beat on.  I was taught by my father that I was never to allow another person to put their hands on me for any reason.  If someone started a fight with me, then i could finish it. But if i started the fight u better believe what i was going to get from home was going to be alot worse then what i could recieve from the person i picked the fight with.  By far the most important thing i learned was that I NEVER will allow a man to abuse me and I whole-heartedly believe that noone deserves that. 

 

  I have to say, I will and am teaching my son that he is to NEVER lay a hand on a woman and that he is to respect women for they are to love and share his life with.  I am also teaching my daughter that she is a woman, not a boxing bag.   If my children dont have the nerves to stand up to an abuser, then i will do it.  I have stood up to men who think women are push overs and they have yet to win over me and i wont let someone be that way to my children.  I have to say, if my daughter was to be in a situation like that i will stand in front of that guy and dare him to abuse me and that he better make the first hit count because he is going down from there. I believe that if u hit a woman who knows abuse is wrong and will stand up for herself then u are asking for ur death bed, cuz I would not let this guy hit my children and stand to tell about it. 

     I am passionate about this because there is to much abuse and to many women and children that think they must endure this horrible stuff in order to have a happy life and that is soooo not the case.  I will pull my children away, hate me if u want for protecting ur life, but i gave birth to my children and noone else is to take their lives away from me, not by the hands of an abuser.  If u are in an abusive situation please know there are people that know u are worth saving, find help now, please for its women that stand up that can stop the abuse.

 

 
May 13, 2007, 5:53 pm CDT

About the Anatomy of Abuse

I have to tell you that I left an abusive husband three years ago.  I thought that he could change and I could change him.  My abuse had been emotional, verbal, psychological and occasionally physical.  I could see other women in abusive situations and knew that they should leave but could not see it in myself.  I too "loved" him.  Why?  An abusers biggest trick is to make you think that you cannot be loved by anyone but them and that you deserve the treatment you are getting - they love you SO much that if you only... then they would not act that way.  Well Dss taking my kids and giving them to my mother for their own safety was the only wakeup call I needed - I left and still had doubts about his changing.   Well let me tell you - it has been three years, i have fallen in love with my best friend and we are married for a year.  In all my dealings with my ex I can see that he has not changed ONE bit - and that it becomes harder and harder for him to hold it all together.  Until I got my third restraining order he was constantly trying to make the teenage children see him even though they did not want to - by trying to buy them and control me - tell me how to make them see him, after all, he did have rights too.

 

AN ABUSER HAS NO RIGHTS WHEN IT COMES TO THOSE HE ABUSES.  A leopard cannot change his spots - and there is no way a true abuser can stop.  It is they way abusers control their life and those of the people around them.  It is my firm belief that if you can get away safely, then do so an rebuild your life.  I have found what a real marriage with a loving spouse can be like and I have found out that an abuser doesn't change - just changes the way he abuses.  Run for your life - you owe it to those precious children!

 
May 13, 2007, 5:55 pm CDT

Yes you can1

I am a 35 year old female that has is on my 4th marriage and the second marriage really opened my eyes in regards to emoional/mental abuse by an alcoholic. He was very demanding when he would drink; he didn't work, up all night, slept all day (while I worked) and there were nights that I would just go in to work at 3am when I didn't start untl 6 am just to get some peace and quiet from him. He would not leave me alone; making me go out to get him more to drink or he would take my car while drunk. He saw our mariage license as a "certificate of ownership" as he called it. No women could have male friends or they were "whores". I couldn't have friends outside of the home because I was screwing the male friends. If I wasn't home from work within ten minutes he was up there looking for me, to see who I was screwing around with, on and on and on. When I finally got the nerve to make him go (the first time), I retained a lawyer and began divorce proecedings as well as a restraining order. I will never forget this day as long as I live: there were two cop cars following me home to serve the order and make him vacate the home. I got in before the cops because I wanted to see the look on his face and he told the cops he was too drunk to drive himself to his mom's so they made him call his equally crazy sister to come and ge him. After a month, and his begging and promising I let him come home. That lasted about a month or so and I got another restraining order and finally went through with the divorce. He would call my mom and grandma, who lived on the other side of the US, and tell them he was going to kill me; he would call me and tell me the same thing; and he would sit at the end of the road to see who was coming in and out of my house, then he would come over after someone left to tell me what a whore i was.  I have endured a lot, in regards to drug abuse, alcoholism, mental abuse, attempted kidnapping, etc....and am happy to say that after all of that I am married to a wonderful man and couldn't be happier. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes a strong support system to get there, and a strong sense of self.

 

I know it is hard when you have been talked down to for so long, but once you get away from the abuse you will wonder why you stayed and put up with that crap for so long!

 
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