Quote From: mollieAlthough I don't get to see the show often, when I see that there is a show on abuse, I perk up. It is a sad state indeed.
I've been there and have been free from it for almost 10 years now. I must say that I wish my abuse would have been physical on some level. Then I would have seen the brutality. In my case it was verbal and hard to recognize.
I understand the pain of physical abuse but verbal abuse can be harder in many ways. I never saw it as abuse in the beginning. I thought this person was trying to help me be a better person. What a crock!!!
I spent three years in therapy before I felt strong enough in who I was to be single, alone and totally responsible for my own actions. However, I spent almost 30 years having someone tell me I was basically worthless. It's a very long story.
In thinking about the situations presented on the show, I fully understand the sick but very real possession that one person can have on another. My mom used to tell me that according to the Bible, you should be submissive and follow your husband's rules. She didn't have it quite right in that it doesn't always stand true. She never talked about the husband's role to love the wife as God loves his church.
It's hard to break a routine that has been established, the constant ridicule and mean spirited approach making it look like that person is doing this for your own good. I now have a hard time believing I ever fell for that junk. But... I did and I understand the process.
I guess what I want to get across here is that we are all worth the best of life has to offer. I want to tell people that they have to love themselves enough to break away from the sickness of the other person. I admit it isn't easy and sometimes it's so hard that you can fear for your life but there is this saying: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." It is true. I think now that even though I wish I hadn't stayed so long, I am a stronger person. I am extremely worthwhile all on my own. I am a good person, a great person.
Please break away from the destructive behavior of someone who is sick and taking you down with them.
The things you said in your quote sound so familiar. I think my husband is verbally abusive a lot of the time. I don't know if it was how he was raised or what, but he seems to be negative about so many things in life. He has many good qualities like, a good work ethic, and he loves his kids with his whole heart but he treats me like one of the kids most of the time (except when he wants sex!) Most people who know him, including his own family, think he's great. He works a lot of hours at his job, is a good employee/boss, has spent several years volunteering with little league and babe ruth baseball leagues coaching and being on the board of directors, has been very successful in having his teams win league championships, state and other tournaments, etc. The team members and other coaches really like him. They don't see him at home. They don't interact with him on the same level as I do and the kids do.
What most people wouldn't see, but I see very clearly, is that he does this "volunteering" to make himself look good. He often complains about the work involved and the inconveniences of the time he puts in, but he sure basks in the glory of "good job" and back slapping that happens when things go well with a team. After every game, if I've attended, he asks me what was said in the stands and is always fishing for either compliments or complaints from parents/spectators, but turns around and says that he doens't care what other people think. They just have to understand that being out there coaching is totally different from sitting in the stands and watching the game. He's always going on about how much time he spends and how dedicated he is to the players, our son included, and blah, blah.......but he never seems to recognize how much I am doing and how much more work I have to do because he's always gone, tired, or whatever. We have four children, ages 13, 10, 6 and 2. I also work full-time (I'm a teacher so I'm home during school breaks), plus do all of the housework, laundry, running kids back and forth to appointments, yard-work during the summer, etc. When I say anything about the fact that I do as much work as a stay-at-home mom or full-time mom, plus work a full time job, he says that I'm only a part-time mom since my kids are in school and/or at his mom's when I'm working. A part-time mom? What the **** is that?
The biggest thing is that with everything he does, he's not always around to see how things get handled. I may not be the best mom in the world, but I'm pretty damn good. I don't always make the right parenting decisions, sometimes I'm impatient and inconsistent with discipline, but I try my best. Two of our kids have been diagnosed with ADHD, which also complicates things. They take medication and it helps but is not a cure all. Whenever I make a poor decision, parenting wise, he always points it out, and not in a nice way. He does this in front of the kids all the time. In some, but not all, cases he is right and I could have handled something differently or I let one of them get away with something they shouldn't have, but even if I admit this, he continues to belittle me or tell me what I did wrong. This usually involves him yelling at me and being very accusatory. Whether I respond by yelling back, being defensive, or listeing and telling him "you know what, you're right, I could have handled that better", it doesn't matter. He continues to tell me about how wrong I was and how I should have handled it.
This actually doesn't apply only to bad parenting decisions. He acts this way about almost everything. I feel like I have to watch every word I say about every subject because I know he'll misinterpret something I say and end up arguing. When I try to explain what I meant by something that he has misunderstood, he usually won't listen or tells me it's bullshit. If he says something to me and I misunderstand for whatever reason, in his view, it just means that I wasn't paying attention (because I also have adult ADD), or some other excuse. He very seldom actually listens to what I thought he meant or said or tries to look at anything from my perpective. I feel like he thinks his perspective is the only one there is. When I get frustrated and angry and lash out after being put down or whatever, he blames in on my ADD medication by saying that it must have worn off or I didn't take it or something else. This is usually not true. He calls it my "crazy medication". I'll admit my temper was often worse before the medication, but I never lost my temper for no reason. It was always out of sheer frustration with him because he would not listen to me, made fun of me, or interrupted every time I would try to defend myself against something he said that wasn't true.
Most of the time, I would like to get a divorce but it's not easy. I know he would make it hell by fighting for custody, slamming me to his family and the kids, and would fight me over everything every step of the way. His parents babysit our youngest child during the day and they pick two of the other kids up after school four days a week. I really don't want to change that situation both for financial reasons and for my child's sake. It wouldn't be fair to her to take her away from the only babysitter she's ever known, her grandparents, but at the same time, I dont' know how things would be between myself and his family if we split up. His mother has made it very clear that she feels strongly about divorce being very bad for children, plus for the most part, she thinks her son is a saint. We've been to counseling before, but stopped after my 3rd child was born. In all honesty, the therapist sucked. I finally convinced him this past fall to go again and found a new therapist, but he basically stopped going. He hasn't gone in 6 or 7 months. It is difficult to go with our schedules, but I dont' think it does much good if you dont' go with an open heart and mind. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm caught in a trap and like I'm living a life where other people think I'm going great, but I'm really screaming inside most of the time.
Don't know what else to say. If anyone has any advice, I'd be glad to hear it. Thanks for letting me vent
(Original Air Date: 05/16/07) What would you do if your spouse belittled you and threatened your life? For women who have ever endured verbal, physical or emotional abuse in a relationship, Dr. Phil helps break the silence. Amy says her husband, Lee, is volatile and dangerous. She says he has choked and kicked her, and even held a knife to her throat! Lee’s mother, Sandy, says Amy and Lee argue constantly, but they’ve never been physical. How does she react when Dr. Phil plays a tape of Lee confessing his abusive ways? Then, Amy’s parents, Cynthia and Stan, fear for their daughter’s life and don’t think she’s providing a safe environment for her kids. Amy says she loves her husband and wants her folks to butt out. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Lee joins the show via satellite because he’s on probation for a domestic violence charge, and cannot leave the state. He admits to having anger issues but says he’s working to control them. Can Lee change his violent ways? Is it possible to rebound from being with an abuser? Tell us what you think.
