One of the biggest buddhist beliefs is that we all suffer. When we start believing that we are alone in our suffering, it turns us into victims instead of being spiritual beings having a human experience. We tend to see things through the eyes of the human instead of the spiritual beings that we truly are.
I am 47 as well and have gone through many ups and downs in life, like most or all of us and one of the best ways I can describe myself would be that when I realized that all beings suffer, maybe not right now, maybe not tomorrow, but suffer at some point, we will see that it is part of our human/spirit experience.
When you only see negative, its because that is your choice of seeing it that way. Every bad experience can be turned into a good one; and every good one can be turned into a bad one. Right? YOu are holding onto the bad but not wanting to see that in your suffering, there is a lesson for you.
Love is nececessary.
Don't try to talk yourself out of one of most beautiful things that others have to offer. Also, nature, music, poetry, dance, cooking, art, children, elderly, these are all good sources of love. Its true its not necessary to expect to get love from one source (as in a boyfriend) but to get it from all the other sources that are out there. Who is to say that if you find something that makes you feel good, you won't then be open to receive more? The universe does not give us anything until we are really ready. Love will come to you when you are open to it. Only dysfunction and pain will come if you try to see it in places that it is not.
You are not the only person that has bills. If you have bills, that probably means you lived a lifestyle that has been out of your range. So you enjoyed it for a while, which was fun, but now you don't. See how something good can turn to something bad on the flip of a switch? Look at childbirth. The pain. Need I say more? :)
Don't look for love. Don't look for pain. Be happy you are alive and given another day to make your human experience one that will nourish all beings; stop thinking about how miserable you are, start thinking about how you can make someone's day by giving a bigger tip, or smiling at a person that looks really grumpy (I tend to enjoy that one) and smile yourself more!!!!! Do you know that if you smile, the rest of your body benefits? Try it. Let me know how it goes and remember, we all suffer, you are not alone.
