I know how you feel. My post could have been similar to yours a year ago.
I had never had weight problems, I could eat anything, my stressful career , grateful metabolism, family responsibilities allowed me to eat myself silly and not one gram would cling to my hips, I have an insatiable love of chocolates, (actually most sweets) and that did not pose a problem either.
About a year ago I was lucky enough (or so I thought ) to be able to work from home. I swapped my prof.suits, stilletos and makeup for jeans, t-shirt and slippers. I was really happy.........
I have always cooked our meals and I bake alot too ( I believe in 'healthy eating'). I had started without realising, to eat alot more, even while cleaning the house I would 'snack' on something savoury, then I naturally had to have something sweet, and then I had to have 'breakfast', never at the table but picking from the fridge and pantry. While cooking I would have to taste everything so many times that I would have eaten 2 meals before it was even ready.
I started to wear pants with the elastic waist thing and bigger t-shirts, I still didn't realise how much weight I had put on, because to me I looked 'slim' in my big clothes. Usually on a Sunday I bake cakes and other deserts for my family to have during the week, they would have a normal piece, and while they would be out of the house, (work,school), I would eat the remaining cake, sweets etc, I would then quickly have to bake the same things before they got home, (not because anyone would critisise me, (they wouldn't have believed it anyway) but I was so ashamed at what a eating monster I had become).
I ate mostly while I was alone ( great deal of the day) I would literally feel sick and bloated from the food but I knew it would all settle down and I would start all over again. I lived and thought only of food!
One weekend we had to attend a family function, and I saw for the first time that I could not wear any of my clothes, my few months of working, eating and 'happy hibernating' in the home had given me a 'new fat body'. I cried and carried on, and in the end I wore my old maternity dress, yeah everyone there said I looked great but who is actually going to say, '"gees your fat and you look like crap"!............ My self esteem spiraled and any positive thought s that I had about myself went out the door.
I have an absolutely wonderful husband, he said that he only wanted me happy, and loved me no matter what and that he loved me inside and out. But how could he love me when I didn't even look like the person that he had married, all these thoughts caused me to withdraw and hate myself even more, but I just could not get out of the viscious love-hate cycle with food.
My once great and regular sex life......(I am sorry, I am not trying to be crude), was almost non-existant. In the rare occassion that it did happen, the 'preparation' for it killed even the slightest mood, no lights, my husband was not allowed to touch my body anywhere, I would have eaten so much throughout the day and night that I couldn't move anyway and would be so stressed out from making sure he does not see me. All this sounds perhaps extreme but when you are going through a difficult period in your life, rational and normal thinking is usually not present.
I would promise myself every Monday that I would start a diet and excersise, my family would support and encourage me, I couldn't tell them that I didn't know 'which Monday', because I felt so bad and miserable I continued to eat the most when alone, and I was angry at the whole world because I felt such a liar and failure.
I then wanted to go to the gym, and when I saw how the groups mainly consisted of 'slim' women, I knew that no way in hell was I going to bare my rolls to them, I was too ashamed. How stupid I was.
I withdrew from my friends and felt that I could not talk to anyone about this problem, so I ate more and both my mental and physical healthwas fragile.
I knew that I couldn't live this way any longer, I did not consult a doctor because I thought my diagnosis is clear, I put mounds of food in my mouth, I've turned into a fat person and i had to try and stop.
I bought a few pilates, yoga, etc tapes and each morning I tried a few excersises from each tape, it was very difficult for me in the beggining as I had little energy and a lazy body, but I persisted and I gradually was able to suprise even myself. I started to eat mainly vegetable soups and snack on light things ( no fatty foods whatsoever), for the first 3 days I thought that I could not survive the temptation for food was enormous, I had headaches and all sorts of pains but with each day that I 'survived' I just did not want to give up. Within the first 2 weeks I felt great, full of energy and that alone gave me the greatest motivation to continue.
I realised that it was not just about 'doing excersises and dieting' you have to really put your mind to it and do it whole heartedly, I gained willpower by firstly focusing on my feelings, I did not want to be miserable and frustrated any longer, I did not want to use the excuse that food was a void filler or problem solver, I had had enough of lying to myself.
I took things one day at a time, I stuck to eating smaller portions of food and excersising everyday (even if it was sometimes for 15 min), and with each day I saw the changes in my mood and ofcourse body, these positive changes gave me even more determination and willpower.
I am no longer 'fat', and after being through such a bad experience I fully understand how food can destroy a persons life and happiness, I really appreciate the harmony and peace that I feel within.
I am sorry for writing such a loooooooong post, I just needed to share apart of my experience. I wish that I had known about this site long ago, I perhaps would not have had to shed oceans of tears and be so alone with my problem at the time. I believe strongly that a person can do almost anything if they set their mind to it and really want to, I am a proof of that. I know how difficult it is, and bad habits are hard to break but you can do it!!
