Topic : Self Image

I do not have a clear cut definition of self image.  Here's my definition of self image  

  Self Image- the way you view yourself in terms of physical qualities, self worthiness,  

             and self definition of success ( using the gifts God has given you)  

Lately, I have been truly struggling.  I have felt much self anger and have become too upset with myself.  Two days ago, I scratched myself 3 times in a day.  I feel like there is no escaping from this depression and self anger cycle.  I have seen psychiatrists and therapists in Corpus Christi.  The doctors just want to prescribe medication.  Therapists will only work iwth me on the  surface issues.  As soon as things get deep, the therapists clam.  

I mailed letters to Robin McGraw  3 different times and sent her  2 e-mails.   I sent both Dr. Phil and Robin a long e-mail letter on May 9th.  I know they are too busy to respond.  At least I can look myself in the eye and say I tried to get help.  

My troubles with self image result from the reaction others have toward me, not the reflection in the glass. I'm average looking and I'm just fine with that. However, no matter how hard I try to change things, I am frequently rejected by others because of my personality and communication style. I am not a bad person, I try hard to be morally upright, ethical, respectful and polite. My few true friends admit that they sometimes get irritated with me, but these are wonderful people who value me and respond to me based upon my actions, not how I communicate.   

Unfortunately my social life and my career are always in peril because of how acquaintances perceive me. When I'm feeling caring and concerned, I come across as snippy and condescending. When I'm feeling confident and passionate about a project, people tell me I'm being overbearing and controlling. I tend to get very red-faced and cry when angry or embarrassed. When I have just cause to be angry or on the defensive, people tell me I deserve poor treatment from others because I'm so annoying.  This hurts deeply.  

I've tried counseling and self-help books. I make a conscious effort to improve. I bite my tongue and try to ignore or accept other's behavior when I find them insulting. But I can't seem to make any real progress in the self improvement area. As a result, I don't make new friends, people avoid working with me on projects and I am frequently purposefully left out of social gatherings. The kindest of my colleagues tolerate me, most talk negatively behind my back and a few have outright sabotaged my efforts.   

Here's an example of what I deal with daily: I was wrongfully accused of doing something heinous at work. My accuser has a vendetta against me, a history of dishonesty and false accusations and performs poorly. Yet, my superior told me that because of my demeanor, he chooses to accept the accusation as true.   

Anyone know how to teach someone to become socially acceptable?  

     Everyone of us has thought about some event in his life, he will never forget it. Some people think that they can change their life, and some of them believe that event has not change their life. I believe that, some of the events in our life can change our life in different way.

     This is my opinion for many reasons. The main reason is that an event can change your thought in both directions (Right or wrong). I remember that special event in my childhood that affects my life forever. It was the day when my best friends died in front of me, and I couldn’t do anything to save them.

    In this day I went with my best friends to the sea to play and swim. As I recall it I think they drowned in the dark deep of the sea when I was with them. We were three boys swimming alone, when the accident happened. I was shocked and I didn’t know what to do, because both of them drowned in the sea. I didn’t know if I can help them and take them out of the dark deep sea.

  I believe that accident happen because it was my fault first of all. They died and I lived. That event happened before seven years ago. I hold this blame for the rest of my life, I think that event has changed my life in some way.

   In some moment I feel that, I wish it never happen, but someone of my friends told to me to think in what choices I have to make in the time that was given to me.                    

Some days it doesn't seem like it effects me, but deep down i know in the back of my mind that i'm thinking about how disgusting i think i look. I have the love of my life telling me that i'm the most beautiful thing he's seen but i see all these girls who are thinner than tooth picks and just get the feeling and paranoia that he's thinkin "Wow,  she's hot." It just makes me sick to my stomach that he actually looks normal and he's got this retarded looking girlfriend, me.  I hate having to look in the morning at myself. Some people say that this can be because of childhood influences by parents or friends. I realized i got it from my mother, except i'm much worse. We say the exact same things except i don't stop the critizism. I can take it as far as i can sometimes. It's actually hard sometimes to believe i'm getting compliments b/c I've never ever had anyone give me them besides family, friends, and kind people. But i'm starting to realize that i may be hurting others by thinking that way about myself. I usually lie. And somedays i think i actually look good, but the feeling never seems to last as long as i want it to. Yet, i keep telling myself that i don't care about what anyone thinks of me and i truley don't, but it seems that my appearance is the only thing standing in my way from being as happy as i should be. 

My self image involves my husband.  I'm self employed and do the best I can at keeping all the bills paid, even while going through cancer treatments.  I think my husband is only here because I support him.  He says he loves me but does NOTHING to help support the household.  He keeps the yard work done, does little fix-up jobs on the house but that's all.  We don't sleep together, he refuses to go anywhere with me and generally treats people poorly.  He is really cute with me at times and after 16 years of marriage and since my cancer diagnosis he's finally remembering my birthday and our anniversary.  Still......  he won't help financially and won't change anything he's doing.  At one time he threatened to take my house if I tried to divorce him.  His name is not on the title, I bought the house with my late husband but since I've supported him for 16 years, I'm told there is precedent for that to happen.    

Since my cancer was diagnosed, I've gone through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.  The surgery took one breast, the chemotherapy took my waist length hair and the radiation took my energy.  I still do the best I can, which isn't too bad, but the future is uncertain.  Since hubby won't work, I fear for if and when the cancer returns and I'm unable to continue working.  I am on Medicad, Social Security Income won't even  pay my house payment and I feel as though I'm held hostage to a man that's only here because I support him.  What is wrong with me that I have to pay to keep him here?  I'm told I'm still attractive, a little weight gain from the treatments but still within normal limits, I try to look and do my best but I can't shake the feeling that I have to buy his friendship.  This has never really been a marriage, I guess, but I'm told I'm loyal to a fault.  Needless to say my self-image is as low as dirt....