Topic : Self Image

I have read a few of your posts and I may have a slightly different take on things.  I too know what it was like to be verbally bullied, and believe me, names called in childhood can be recalled along with the hurt years and years later.  But we can't let it ruin our lives.  First of all, you need to get rid of the voice inside that may be agreeing with what the bullies said.  If they called you a certain name did you start believing it about your self??  If so you must stop. You must focus on your positive traits and change your internal dialogue.  More on this later..... 

  

Yes, it can become difficult to trust people when you have bad experiences.  But there is no reason to give all of our trust immediately to someone.  It is best to get to know them first and gauge how much you can trust them.  You start talking about impersonal things and move on to more personal things gradually as you decide just how much you feel you can trust a particular person.  I have acquaintances that I can have a good time with but who I wouldn't tell personal things to.  Then there are others who I will share certain things with but very few that I share deeply personal things with.  Those few are my closest friends. 

  

I don't think you need a personality makeover.  That implies that you want to change into someone who you are not.   Be yourself.  That doesn't mean you can't improve certain things but do it without altering your basic personality.  For example I was very shy in my youth but have learned to speak up for myself and not to tolerate disrespect from other people. But I don't think I changed the core of my personality.  I'd classify it more as personal growth. 

  

Please stop believing whatever those bullies said to you.  This is so important to do. Bullies are cruel nasty people.  Why do we place so much importance on what they have to say?  Consider the source.  Are these people worthy of deciding how you should view yourself?  I think not!! 

  

I hope some of this was helpful to you. If I can be of further help, please let me know. 

hi I am at a point in my life where i think my family is a pain. i am not sure why I cant really stand to be around them.  They are so fake.  Its like they try to be high society but they are not.  they show one image but i know they are not that.  my husband cant stand to go to my sisters house. my sister has to have every event at her house. i have stopped going to her house. i used to go every event now i miss every so often. i cant stand the way she talks to my son. he is 7. Her daughter has a son. she had him when she was 17.  the boy is now 4. my sister treats him like he is king and talks to my son with a mean tone of voice. i am not going there so she can treat him like that. i am not close to my family anymore. i feel like sometimes strangers and friends help me more than they do. i dont know why i am feeling this way. sometimes i wish i could move.  i used to be the one to call them and email them but i decided to stop and see if they email me or call and i dont hear from them at all.

   what a jerk!!! to quote dr phil, "why does HE get to decide what happens in YOUR life"?  who died and made him king? after all you've been through, you need a loving, nurturing, protective husband, not a rude roommate who acts like a spoiled 10 year old. would your late husband have stood for that? i dont know you, but i know you should start being loyal to yourself  instead of that spoiled brat who has the nerve to call himself a man. real men treat their wives with loving kindness. it says so in the bible. if your interested, its in "song of solomon" as well as other books. 

 you hang in there, im interested in talking more, if you are. 

Thank you for your reply.  Perhaps I can shed a little more light on this subject...  I thought I was getting a loving, nuturing husband when I married him.  My late husband was mentally and physically abusive.  At least this one isn't beating on me.  He was so very sweet and attentive when we first married.  Somewhere along the line, too slowly to much notice, things began to change.  He started staying up all night with friends, sex got rarer, then about 3 or 4 years ago he started sleeping on the couch.  Claimed the bed hurt his back.  He did hurt his back on the job right after we first got married and I guess he got too used to staying home all the time.  Oh, jobs...  He actually had a job about 8 years ago then started his own company, hired a crew, bought lots of equipment and did some of the best work in framing that has been done and had the quickest crew in the area.  He made over $160,000 gross in 5 months before he was fired by the contractor.  He gave me a total of $3000 in those 5 months.  He was so deep in debt by that time that he had to file bankruptsy.    

I don't know how to be loyal to myself, I guess.  I feel as though I've always been the butt of somebody's bad joke.  Meanwhile I work hard to keep bills paid, occasionally go to lunch with friends I've met since I've had cancer and am building a relationship with my family again.   

My husband came from a really off the wall family.  So I guess I cut him a lot of slack because of that.  But how do I reconcile the life I have with what could or couldn't be?  I've made such poor choices in men that I don't trust myself to even think about trying that again.  The thought of being "available" again really doesn't interest me.  I tend to end up marrying the few men I've ever dated seriously.  This husband is #3.  I simply can't trust my own choices.  Now, I'm 59, have gone through cancer treatments, can't work a lot of jobs because I have problems from the chemotherapy treatments and tend to get quite down because of the poor choices I always seem to make.  I feel as though I'm running into a wall here.....  Would I really be better off all alone than with this loser?  

I really do apologize.  It is always easier to see things more clearly when you are outside of the situation.  I have noticed a few things that stick out.  I will tell you, though, my choice in men is horrid.  I find that when I put a situation out there about my guys I get a sound, "what on earth are you thinking!!!!" and it helps me to see things more clearly.   I hope that this helps you at all in your situation. 

First, I hear that you thought you were getting a loving, nurturing husband, and he behaved in a way that really supported that theory in the start of your marriage.  Slowly he changed into a type of person that you don't want to be attached to because that sort of person is dead weight and bad news.  If he had behaved that way  before you married, you would not have chosen to marry him.  It really seems that you feel very cheated.  Getting scammed is one of the worst (and most humiliating) feelings in the world because it was a conscious choise that you bought into and believed in, and when you found out too late that you got ripped off you feel ashamed and foolish. 

"To have and to hold, for better or for worse. for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health."   

Those are big broken promises, and when I was in your shoes, it made me feel so degraded, devalued, and disposable.  My self-worth was totally gone.  I did not have cancer, but I was diagnosed bipolar.   Hearing the words, "treatable, but incurable," hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was just so much to deal with.    It threw me off for three months, I was just in total shock and crisis.  Then to get more support from enemies than this person sho stood there and made you these big promises, is just overwhelming on top of it.  "I feel as though I've always been the butt of somebody's bad joke," really sums it all up very eloquently.  I swear that I have said the exact same thing. 

You ask "Would I really be better off all alone than with this loser?" well, "with this loser" says it all.  Being with a loser is never a winning situation.   Losers drag people down.  Very rarely do they ever get "pulled up" by the winners or the survivors.  They pull them down.  No one is proud to be with someone who they think is a loser.  (Is a total loser in my opinion) You don't want to be wearing the "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.  You want to be with a person who you can be proud to be standing next to.  You want to be with a person who contributes and is complimentary to you in personality and in other aspects.  Or you want to be single.  You said you are working hard on your family relationships and you have friends that you have met  since you have had cancer.  There are cancer survivor groups and also divorce groups, and women's groups and church and so many other fun and worthy things out there just waiting to be experienced.  You are not all alone at all.  You have fought so hard for your life, don't you think that you should be celebrating your victory by living your best and fullest life?  Think about the low bills and the no maintenance on an efficiency apartment!!  How much further will that paycheck go?   You could probably also receive a lot of medical assistance if you are worried about that.  You are clearly a fighter and a very determined and hard-working person.  You deserve to surround yourself with similar people who are going to be your peers, not your patient or adult child.  Being available doesn't just mean that you are available to other people (a ladies lunch is sometimes so much more fun than a date) but you are available to you.   Nothing will stop you from doing all of the things that you have ever wanted to do.  You can just take up any hobby, even an obnoxious one like painting or a musical instrument and there's gonna be no one there to tell you to stop, that you can't , or to spoil your success in any way!   If divorce sounds too, "out there," you could always separate.  Legally or otherwise.  Take your check and leave and tell him that if he is willing to be worth your time and effort, prove it, then you can start to consider taking him back.   You probably won't if you leave, though.  Hey, if you are lonely you can always come here to Dr. Phil.com!  I have been here for three years and I don't plan on leaving!  So I really hope that you do consider what I have said, even if you decide to stay, you will probably feel better about your decision knowing that you explored every option. 

Smile! 

~Sunshine~ 

  

Hello.I know exactly what you are going through.It is a daily struggle for me to even look at myself.I know what you mean when other people tell you that you are pretty,but you never believe it because to us the other person staring back at us in the mirror is some hideous creature,sure there are a few days I think I look"cute",for about 20mins and then it's over.I sometimes wonder how my husband can even look at me.I feel so frustrated at myself most of the time.I lost 30lbs last year only to re-gain it back.And family and friends and the occasional nice older lady will say you sure are pretty,or I love your hair.I sometimes think they say that because they have to or just feel sorry for me.I so know how you feel.I bet you are a beautiful person inside and out.My therapist told me today that I don't need a mirror to look into,to just look into my soul to see all the beauty that lies beneath.Ya know what even for awhile I totally understood that.I get so discouraged when I see a prettier,thinner female cuz I'm always thinking my husband probably wishes that was me.So yes I'm right there with ya.The only thing is what are we gonna do about it.I don't know if Dr.Phi can help us or not,but i sure am willing to try.Hey,if I didn't like food that much I would probably be anorexic.By the way,I'm Shannon from Peru,Indiana.I'm 31 and have felt this way since i was a little girl,and i totally believe that it does stem from a childhood,or maybe even a later thing that happened in our lives.We have to hold on because life has alot to offer us,the only thing is to try to get past this,but like you I don't know how.I always say "never judge a book by its cover,you will miss all the important chapters"See it's easier said than done,especially if you're the one feeling judged all the time.Keep me up-to-date on things.

Thank you sooooooo much for your response,and congradulations for getting help.I think it takes a REAL MAN to be so honest like that.You are my very first response,ever,from anything.That means alot to me to know that someone cares.And I do want to help my husband,I do realize that I have to take care of myself but I just get so lost in trying to be there for him that sometimes I can't find my way back.But,I will try harder.You must also be a wonderful person to have turned your life around like that,because it's not fun at all when someone you love so much is hurting your feelings and yelling at you all the time.So,kudos to you and again Thank you.

Oh my, we're really doing a lot of typing here, aren't we???  LOL  Your suggestion of an "obnoxious" hobby made me laugh.  I used to paint and have decided that I need to pick up my brushes again.  Actually that is not dependant on anything my husband says or does.  He does not stop me from doing anything.  He is totally non-controlling.  He knows that I'm not a cheater, says I'm the most honest person he's ever known but it's not always said as a compliment.  He's tried to talk me into not reporting money that I'm paid in cash, laughed at me for being upset if I see something going on that's wrong and aside from that he doesn't say much of anything about what I do.  However, my time constraints need some work.  Seems I'm spending so much time job hunting lately that it's cutting into my work time.  Not good.  As I've said before, I'm self-employed and do several small jobs. One that I landed while going through chemotherapy, was my dream job.  I could work, on the computer, anytime day or night and I got paid fairly for the work.  But it was temporary and ended the middle of March.  I made enough that I could pay almost all my bills and the other jobs took up the slack.  As you can see, my husband is becoming secondary in my life.  I'm close to giving up on that situation changing.  I have many very good reasons why I can't leave him, my work is all from my home, it's was my home before I married him, and I have pets making renting impossible.  Besides, I've been told that the person that leaves the home usually doesn't get it back in court.  Not in Utah, anyway.  And when I asked him, or rather told him to leave, he said "NO!".  He has a destructive personality so it would mean nothing to him to destroy everything he could smash if I tried to lock him out.  No, I'm not really afraid of him but still.  

Actually, I'm living almost single.  He's only in the house to sleep on the loveseat, shower and occasionally to fix a meal.  Outside of that he's out in the "hut" he built for himself.  It's even got an electric heater, an air conditioner, built-in vacuum cleaner, a television and his foosball table.  And I'm paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, housework, dishes, etc!  I've told him more than once that all he needs is a bed and I'll move his clothes out there, too.  I'm married but single.......   Sounds like between the two of us we could write a book about poor choices in spouses, but your suggestion to "explore every option" is very good advise.  Just be sure to keep a candle lit for me so I can find my way around in the maze. 

Hi. I'm glad to have gotten a response from someone who has the same problems on their minds. Never thought we'd have the exact same feelings. By the way I'm from Starkville, Ms, and i'm 16. I think i started thinkin like this since i was about 13 and i constantly get frustrated with myself b/c my boyfriend tells me i'm beautiful all the time and i don't want to argue and let him know for the thousandth time that i think i'm ugly. Sometimes i think he gets really tired of it. We were talking one day and i said " i bet you get tired of my complaining." He replied " Not really." I say "come on now." (jokingly) He replies "we'll sometimes." I realized that i should keep my mouth shut more often. But i'm glad that he's put up this much. I told him the other day that i'm just quit complaining all together and stop thinking bad about myself. He got excited and all but i felt like i lied and i guess i did. But i'm gonna try the cold shoulder for a while and see how it goes, otherwise i'll just keep it all to myself. Thanks for responding, Shannon. Summer's starting out in a bad way. I have nothing to do but lay in the hot sun hoping for a tan or hoping that i'll get a call from my boyfriend. And he's going to be moving soon. We plan to stay together for the next few years until we'll be able to start a life together.  I just hope it works out. But i have the constant fear that he'll find someone else and i'll end up alone again. Plus, i'm always worried that he'll cheat on me once he's moved away. However, he knows that i he'll have me, my best friend, and a long line of my family to deal with. Plus i have a good feeling that he really wants to stay with me.  Well, i'm glad you respoded. Thanks alot.

Hi. My names Tiffany. I'm 16 and i'm from Starkville, MS. I know exactly how you feel. I just got finished replying to someone who responded to my message. I found out she's just me, and that we share the same pain. Once i read what you wrote, i thought there's a lot of people like me. But then again, i knew that there are alot of people like this. Like you, i can't stand to look at myself in a mirror, and somedays it' ok and somedays it's not. I feel worthless almost everyday, even if i'm having the best day, there's something in the back of my mind telling my that i'm not worth sh_t. It got so bad at one point that i started cutting myself as if i was trying to find more pain to replace the one i already had. I get this self image problem from my mom except i think it chose to show up in me more than her. Sometimes she's the problem. I've even got a boyfriend who tells more than anyone that i'm the most beautiful thing he's laid eyes on. You don't know how frustrated i get b/c i've seen so many people who are drop dead gorgeous and i think i look, well, dead. Or at least i feel like i want to be. I try so hard to make him think that i believe him just to make him happy, but the feeling lingers. I'm gettin better at this problem. I just tell myself that "Hey, there's no one  on this Earth that is like me. No one has the personality that i do nor do they have my body. And i refuse to let the voice in my head do anymore damage to me. I'm beautiful no matter what i think and there's nothing anyone can do about it to change my mind." Sometimes it's hard for me to accept this, it really doesn't get as skin deep as it used to. I think you should give it a try and see where it takes you and if that doesn't work then try giving the voice the cold shoulder. I'm starting to and it's getting better. I hope this helps and i hope you know that you are beautiful, you've just gotta let yourself give into that fact. Keep me posted. See ya!