Topic : Self Image

Well, we had a base that is in NC and we did some missions work in the states along the east.  Then we would go on outreaches to different places usually for 2 mth periods.  I was in India for 2 mths and Mexico for 2 mths and scottland for 2 weeks..........  the rest of the missions work i did was in the US.  I loved it soooo much!!!!  I feel honored that God allowed me to go out and share like that!!!

You don't do it anymore?  I wish I could do work like that...My problem is I have a hard problem with memorization like GEN 3:1  (Using that only as an example)  I mean when I went to church as a kid First Baptist Church of New Market in My Home town when I was Just a very small kid I walked there all by my self.  That was my safety place.  Then I stayed there all morning.  Stayed in Sunday school too.  Went off to weekend retreats too.  I actually have gifts of the spirit and I am very proud of that ( very humbled by that...)will tell you about that at a later time please...

 

 

But after my original Pastor left who I kind of considered my "Godfather" because I didn't have that much (true family of origin and positive role models good true role models) I wish Dr. Phil and Robin I could adopt as my GODPARENTS  xoxox

 

Wanna know what happened when I went out with the NEW PASTOR OF MY CHURCH AND WHY I LEFT IT AFTER BEING THERE FOR ALL MY LIFE?

We were helping a Vietnam VET and I was assisting because of my "gifts" etc.. and on the car ride home after we prayed and blessed his home etc....The "NEW Pastor told me about his dream he had about me the night before about me and my breasts!  THAT WAS IT I WAS GONE!!!!

 

BEEN on my own EVER SINCE!

I am not good a memorizing things like that either but every time I am suppose to use one God always has it ready.  I think memorizing comess from our mind but when we are lead by the Spirit to say it then we have allowed it to be in our Spirit.  (does that make since to you)  So anyway then we are speaking from our Spirit (giving God all glory) but when we speek it from what we have memorized well sometimes it puts more focus on the flesh.  I felt horrible not being able to do that until God revield that to me and now i don't feel pressured to have to memorize it all but to know it is written in my Spirit.  I too have the gifts of the spirit!!!!  Isn't God awesome how he live and works in and through us!!! 

It is so funny to me how i see all this and know how awesome God is and all he can do and stuggle with all that I do.  It makes it really frustrating because I know at anytime I can say here have this I will give this to you know but every time I try I feel like I say oooo no I have to have this back.  Many times just minutes later. 

Like yesterday we had an alter call and were releasing anxiety to God (i have anxiety attacks).  I went  up to the alter but for some reason I just could release it.  I felt so ashamed knowing the chance was right there and I denied God the previledge of seeing one of His children set free from something He did not cause or want for them.

haaaaaa!!  Yeah I like what you said about Dr.Phil and Robin being your Godparents, I wish I had a Godparent period.  I wish I would have felt like I really really had parents. I mean I did in a way but well that is a long story or should i say alot of stories that all go together as one.  sigh oooo what it would be like to oooooo i forgot what i was saying hehehe!!!  O yeah God has guided me through my life for sure there were certain things that I knew God didn't want me to do when I was child and one of those was dating, He promised me when the day was to come He would show me!!!  So all these years I have never dated and I am proud of it.  Although sometimes i think it is for more then just the reason God said wait.

Wow i can't believe the pastor told you about that dream......  hm sheessshhh hehe

May I just ask you just a few things?

 

On a daily basis you know you are a great person?

 

You are a christian and GOD lives in you right?

 

GOD is perfect isnt he?

 

Even though MAN is not perfect we have GOD in us dont we?

 

Have you made a conscience effort to turn your will over to the care of GOD?

 

YOUR LIFE?  YOUR WILL?

 

Do You drink?  Smoke?  Do Drugs/  Do you allow the evil one to whisper in YOUR EAR?  Would you allow him near me?

I have never drank, smoked, pratied, dated or did drugs.  I have always done my best to live a life that people can see that God lives in me.  Actually, the other week this guy at church said no matter when I see you, there is a smile on your face.  When he asked me how all I could do was tell him that when I don't feel like smiling Jesus smile for me!! tee hee hee that sounds silly but well  yeah that's how it seems.  Yes, your right God is perfect and He lives in me so well that means perfection lives in me through Him. 

There are a lot of things that i have turned over to the care of God but others I try and try but well I take it back.  I know He has a plan and a purpose for me and it is amazing I know.  I hear the others talk about how they see Jesus in me but when I look at me well, I often catch myself saying I hate you, what's your problem and things like that.  I try so hard to speak the truth of the scriptures over my life like there is one somewhere that says "you are called to be free" and all those in song of solomon that talk about our beauty and the veil we wear and letting our lover (God) pull it off. 

No I would never want the devil near you, I don't want him near anyone!!!  I want people to know,see and experience the love, forgiveness and the grace of God.  I know that God has grace on me but well grace is something i don't have for myself and forgiveness i can forgive others and i know God forgives me but well hmm when it comes to me forgiving me, I just can't seem to do it.  I feel so ashamed at what i do knowing that i am a temple (which are Holy) knowing that i am choosen and set part for Him (God).  I just get so angry at myself that i don't totally release these thing int o the hands of God.  I try so so hard but well yeah I don't know.  I feel ashamed that I deny God so much and then i think about in the scriptures where it says "anyone who trust in Him will never be put to shame"  which means we are well free from shame maybe that wasn't the best scripture to use but i am sure youknow what i mean.  Well, I don't know i just feel like i am letting Him down.  I can't well yeah i don't know.  I meani know that He is proud of me though often I think why would you be proud of me but i just have to be thankful that no matter what He is proud of me as His daughter.

Thank You my sister in Christ for your complete honesty I appreciate it....I feel your truth threw this screen..I know truth and sis you are SPEAKING it straight to Me....Without ANY BS...That is what I can  Completely admire about you...can we really get down now to the nitty gritty of "our" gifts then?  Can I ask you a truth about me please regarding OUR heavenly Father which has actually kept me alive?  If I can you just have to answer me one question more before I open up to you OK?  What is it that must forgive yourself of if you have never did anything so bad?  Why are you so hard on yourself?  Is it because you were adopted and you feel unloved and unworthy?  Thrown out?  Please talk to me without stopping..STRAIGHT UP!!

Well, my whole life i have never lived my life for me i have been there for others and put myself aside.....  somewhere in all that just before i turned 13 i began to develope an eating disorder.  a lot of times i just wonder why do i matter so much when already i do know the truth of it because God loves me that's why...  anyway then as i got older i also started doing things like self-harm.....  i had never really cried growing up instead i can remember so many times that i just held my mom as she would cry sometimes even to the point of her passinng out.....  i always felt i had to take care of her that she needed me.....  it's really still like that well besides she is different some right now with this boyfriend (actually they are basically ingaged i think) she has.......  i didn't realize what i was doing when i started doing all these things with food and exericise when i first started i didn't see what i was doing.....  i mean people were even talking about that stuff and i was so blinded to what i was doing that even at that time i said wow i would never do that........  haa and i was doing it then already.....  it just grows and grows i get so confused and many times think i would just love to disappear or something.......  if i would have known what i was doing when it started i hope i would have never done it... now i can't stop and there are so many things there that i don't know what to feel think or do.........  i mean I know to go to God and I do but well yea.............  what i shared about my mom was only a small little peice of the things that happened that make me feel some of these ways.........  yes i do feel unworty and i am scared of love I know there are people who love me but i am sooooo scared of it.....  although i love to share love too others recieving that love is a whole nother thing.......  so that is just a small peice of it all.......  i hate what i do to myself and i want to stop or it to all be over with but then sometimes i really don't want to stop i don't know what i want........  it's like i just have to have this......  although i am proud of myself for one thing i have done good with my self harm the past week and a half or so.....  i am just sooooo confused and angry(at me) 

I live at my moms now that i am not in missions anymore and well let's just say i don't need to be here i need to get out of this house.....  i am soon though i am going to college

Did you Graduate?  Your College Bound?

 

My Oldest Daughter graduated this year.....

 

By The way between me you and the lamp post and nobody else invisible bubble over us here I have a special screen saver I put over us so nobody can access us xoxox are you a cutter?  I can tell how smart you are... I mean you must have a very high IQ....So just to recap you never got high like me  I did every single drug under the sun and drank every sing drop of booze...GOD did forgive me didn't he?  I ran around when I was younger  I was actually saying "HEY LOOK AT ME>>>MOM DAD>>>YOU BASICALLY IGNORED ME AS A CHILD I was invisible  let me try this approach....Negative behavior is better than NO BEHAVIOR and guess what....That didn't even work...I was still nothing in there eyes....Isn't that a sad story sweetie....:(

Yes i did graduate high school!!!  I am going to college I am going all the way to kansas!!!  Well, i dig, bite, beat and it has been about 4 mths since I have burned.........  i really want to burn a lot of times but they leave scars I have 16 and i did it more then that......  i just know i can't go to college with a bunch of those on me well new ones and i know that it isn't cool having to see those scars...  i just recently started digging until there is some blood all though it doesn't show right away but i do it where no one can see it....  so well yeah.......  it took me a second to get your are you a cutter question and then i remembered what i told you but man sometimes cuting does sound good but i have never cut for blood........  sometimes i think well digging is just as bad as cutting is hmmmmm well yeah soooooo....... 

Thanks i don't think i am smart though but i don't guess i really think i am stupid either......  I actually am just average in my opinion if even that.....  but hey i guess i will know soon!!!!  I am happy to hear that your oldest daughter graduated!!! 

 

yes your story about what it was like it is sad....  didn't you ever just wish that you were invisable?  I sure do sometimes.....  well i don't think that as much as i just want to disappear........ 

 

you bet God forgave you and that is just so awesome that He doesn't even she that when he looks at you!!!!

like your abuseing yourself...Your temple but do you even know why?  That is the miliion dollar quesation really!  Why do you hate what GOD so LOVES..?  Are you just starting these behavior's or have they been going on for years?  Or ahs it built up to this?

 

By all means I am NOT a doctor at all just your friend...

 

truly...

Just your sister on the road of life....

 

Why do you think you are truly hurting you?  Let me ask you in another way....If I was doing the same thing to me under the same exact conditions  why would I be doing it to myself?m  Please help me?