Topic : Self Image

i'm gald that you know what i am talking about. finally someone that understands it. my fmilly thinks that i am just over reacting, but truthfully if i could just stop stessing to the point that i'm on the verge of an attack i would, but sadly i can't. when my mom sees me like this she just calms me done, which helps.. you can see that she knows she's worng when i get like this, but that doesn't stop her from doing it agian. after we had a talk about it me says that i do have to go to the doctors for this, because i can't help it (over that week it got ten times worse). she told me that all the doctor would do is put me on drugs, personally i didn't care i just wanted it to stop, for the life of me i couldn't sleep or ea, i just mianly wanted to sleep so i wouldn't be in such a bad mood then get into trouble for it.. then we talked about the whole issue and that it realy steamed from me being a mother to my sister ever since my parents got a divorce, andhaving to take car of my father and his house.. she calms that this is like everything that is wrog iin my life it is my fathers fualt. she also said that since there is really "no one" to take care of all my emotions from not being a kid is over welming me.. i kinda get that but in a way i think it's bull. she's right i've never had a childhood, and she's right that now is the time for me to hangout with my friends, because i do disurve that. do i thik that it will fix everything?.. no. but i guess i should give it a shot.

my whole life i have taken care of my mom.......  i never had anyone to hold me.......  my mom is a very sick person and i don't just mean physically........  i never cried or anything and that does affect a lot and it does affect panic and anxiety attacks........  because we have a natural longing that we have learned not to notice, because we don't feel we deserve it and it is unfamilar, and that longing is to be held.........  to have someone show us that we mattter and that we're worth something........  it's a natural thing......  it's part of the process of life........  you know your dad isn't your responsibilty at all!!!  your sister is someone you should be there for but she isn't your responsibilty either!!!  I know what it is like to have one parent blaim it all on the other............  i can relate to you a lot........  there is one thing that i missed out on that you are younge enough for still and that is to break free from all that doesn't belong to you and all you don't deserve and go out and be a child like you do deserve.......  laugh and play...............  you deserve those things........  you know being with your friends and doing all that may not seem like it can fix things and it won't not right away .........  but by going out and doing the things you should be able to do....... by not thinking your father is your responsibilty and all the other things you have weighing on you well that is taking your life and that my friend will make the biggest difference ever............  i never did that......  i never took my life back.......  i've lived my whole life hating myself, never thinking i desreved anything, and so much more......... i wanted so bad to see my mom happy but nothing i can ever do will make her happy nothing i will ever do can make her change what she has become.........  but something i can do will make me happy one day and something i can do will change what life has tried to shape me to be and that is like my mother........ but you know what i realized i didn't want to be like her when i was a little girl and i strived adn strived doing all i could to be more then she is...........  well, i held myself back with all the things i struggled with and still am battleling right now.........  but guess what at the end of it all there is a hope........  each day i have to tell myself that....... each day i have to tell myself the things i don't believe about me.........  it's sooooo hard.......  but know that it's not right and you can take control of this before you feel you have to find something else to give you a since of control!!  learn to love you and be there for yourself!!  you don't have anyone to really be there for you, your mom yells at you and puts a lot on you, your dad wants you to be his parent, and your being a mother to your sister and you don't feel you have a life or that you ever will but what you need to do right now is take care of you!!!!  you!!! you!!!!  your who matters........ that's not being selfish it's claiming the life that has been stolen from you..........  i didn't see it then i dindn't realize what was going on i thought it was all normal i thought i was suppose to take care of my mom and that's the way it was suppose to be and i was wrong................  i didn't know any differnt or any better...........  fight for you!!!!

 

i mean to many people that may seem easy but for me me i don't know exactly how.. do i just be me and do the things i want todo (i mean as long as i'm following the rules of my house)? like you said to me i don't live for myself, and if i do i get yelled at for being selfish and noot have ing "family" time but in realitiy family time has been the last 15 years for my life.. but you also realize that not being anyones "mother" is hard for my because that's all i really had, that was me the mom you know. even with my freinds i was the resonsible one that knew what was goignto get us into trouble or the one at sleepovers woke up the eariest out of habit.. i mean everyone forever has known me as the "mom" like figure. what i'm saying is that i do want to be liek the other girls in school and go to parties and have fun, but i'm also sayingi really don't know how todo this, how stop being a mom, how to stop contestly worrying.. i know you kwo what i mean.

i don't know how either......... i never had someone to raise me i was busy taking care of my mom........  but am i going to just sit back and accept that i don't know how or am i going to start believing in myself more even though i felt i had no reason........  but you know what i realized yesterday i ddin't now become what i should have become for the life i lived for the things that happened to me...........  i should not have...........  i can relate to you in the life you live and the things you face but for me to just stand back and not learn to fight for myself well yeah...........  fighting for oneselve isn't something that can be taught but something we develope as we move along in life............  i was a mother to my mother.........  i had to do the "impossible" if i could do the "impossible" then...........  well why can't i try to do an healthy "impossible" ............. 

 

you know i am so used to taking care of my mom that even though i am not living with her right now i am so used to having to listen out for her and watch out for her that when i heard one small noise yesterday i almost jumped up and ran..... i'm not een with my mom right now...........  if you dwell on being the mother to your mom it will weaken you but if you attempt to fight even though you "don't know how" then you will be able to fight and you will find strength..... one of my greatest determinations that kept me strong even though a lot of things i was doing were things that showed weakness was that i would not be my mother......... 

 

i don't know how to do it either but i am trying..................  you know .............  we didn't know how to crawl when we were babies and no one could teach it we had to learn it for ourselves we had to conquer that...........  so as far as these things we never learned in life because no one taught us about these things or about life and all we have seen are negative things that steal life from us.......  well it kind of left that little one inside us and we need to let her have the determination we did as a baby........ you know no one could teach us to walk we had to learn on our own we had to develop that ...........  that's just like life.........  you and i had no one to teach us to walk the walk of life..... no one really does but you know what we have to let that determined child in us that right now hurts so bad and feels so abanded and alone and remind her she of the determination she had to do the things no one could teach her and lets get up and walk!!!  it takes determination and striving.....  that baby had to have all that to learn to walk............  and that determination is only gone if you don't grab onto it.........  are you going to choose to stay in the i don't know how or are you going to stand up!!!

 

your a winner.........  inside everyone is a winner.......  but they make the choice whether that winner is defeated or conquers!!

 

i'll do it. it's ganna be hard but i'll try my best ..w e can do it together, tellign eichother the problems we have? because i know i'm ganna need someone to talk to about what goes on... so if your there i'd like that because you have no clue you have helped in was that i didnt think were possible,, thanks. and here's to us the "winners"

that's right we are winners and i am here to be with you!!!!  Let's step up to bat working together and we will knock a grand slam out of the park!!!  haha!!! 

and really i'm trying i working hard in school, im in all the highest level classes, and i'm getting a's in almost all of them. and im trying so hard, and im working. and im having fun. and to you know do something fo rme i shop, i mean ilike to shop. and my mom she thinks that i dont need the best of everything and i know i dont but if i save up for it what is she to say this. you may think say for collage yes i know i put my ENTIRE paycheck in the bank, i use my tips as spendong money. now i mean i know i have a lot of clothes i know that but i buy all of them and 1/2 of them are from last year because i fit into all that stuff... and i donno it seems no matter how hard i try there is always something worng with me... i mean im content in myself i know im good i know htat what im doiing is good that im leading a good life and that im making myself happy, but no matter how hard i try i cant make my mom happy/ proud of me. why?

I am 15 years old and i am a diebetic,and i can't lose wait even know i need to.I am always walking and i try not eating alot but i get depressed and so i eat and eat when i get like that.and i hate the way my body looks and i just hate myself and i don't know how to lose wait if i keep eating because i am most of the time stressed out and depressed.So please someone help me.Please give me advice.

hey!!  i haven't popped in here in a long timeoooopppppppppppsssssss

 

sometimes people don't know how to be proud of someone or show they are proud or they just set things way to high or they need things to be them them them.........  soooooooo sorry i never came back........  i never saw where you had written and i was like oh no.........  if you were fully content with yourself you wouldn't be trying soooooo hard to add up fro you mom or should i say it wouldn't matter if your mom was happy or proud because you would be........  i can't make my mom happy and neither can anyone else.......  she has actually in a mth period of time been in the hospitle 2 times because of either attempting or being suicidal......  and before that she was in for ceasures which i believe she was having because the meds she abuses and she well yeah just stuff.......  i know it's not easy!!  without my mom included in the pic i already always feel as if it is never good enough so haaa yeah