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Topic : 05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

Number of Replies: 209
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Created on : Friday, May 18, 2007, 12:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
It was the affair that rocked the DrPhil.com message boards. Bettie says her husband, John, destroyed her trust when he had a six-month relationship with her sister, Molly — an affair that occurred under Bettie’s own roof! John and Bettie are back, and now they have a new family feud. Bettie says her relationship with her mom, Virginia, has been strained since they last appeared on the show. Bettie says she feels a lot of resentment toward her mother for protecting Molly while Molly was having an affair with John. Bettie and John are trying to heal their relationship and move on, but they say Virginia keeps interfering by calling their kids to pump them for information about their marriage. Now, Bettie doesn’t want her children to see or speak to Virginia until they turn 18. Plus, find out what makes Virginia storm offstage. Can Virginia be a positive part of John and Bettie’s life, or should she stay out for good? Tell us what you think!

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 23, 2007, 1:57 am CDT

Trust is so hard to get back. Forgiveness is a gift

Quote From: pinkypolly

You seem to have forgiven your husband so why be so hard on your sister? I don't understand it for the life of me. You can forgive your husband but are having a hard time getting over what your sister did. As far as I am concerned, if you can forgive one, who is not blood related, you can forgive the other. They both knew what they were doing, so none is more guilty or innocent than the other. She will always be your sister, husbands come and go, especially the ones like him. Neither cared two hoots about your feelings at the time.

I don't like to involve children in these situations. If they want to see their aunt, they should be able to. Don't involve them in your mess.

Sorry, but I DON'T GET IT! You said, "She will always be your sister, husbands come and go." Wow, you never studied Christianity or the marital bond, did you? I always wonder why so many people choose to marry in the Church, but don't give a flip about what those vows mean, why they say it and just how important the vows are to them and to God!

 

Yes, forgiveness should come for both; we agree on that. Forgiving doesn't mean excusing the behaviors or forgetting them. Forgiveness means taking ones own power back and moving forward in a positive way.

 

Yes, neither one of the losers gave a flip about her feelings (and Mom should always be ashamed of herself....no excuse for what she did as a mother). If the woman wants to continue in her marriage, she needs to make peace with what was done to her by THREE very selfish, immature, cruel human beings.

 

However, I, too, would be MORE upset with my sister since we had more years together (grew up together....that's an extra special bond) and blood is supposed to be thicker than water. The marital bond is incredibly special, but "sisterhood" was not chosen. It was a "gift" from Day 1 and biology does have a huge influence over who we are as people. I would be more crushed if my sister of 44 years harmed me than if my husband of 18 years harmed me, but hurt even more if my own mother (the greatest gift from God) harmed me the way this mother did.

 

However, I WOULD work to forgive all three and move forward in my life; it would NOT be easy, though....it would take years and lots of talking with God!!! 

 
May 23, 2007, 2:04 am CDT

Do you cut everyone and everything out whenever life gets hard?

Quote From: parisfan

if that was MY sister sleeping MY husband i'd be pissed with both and I would cut her out of my life.  why should anyone have a relationship with a family member who sleeps with their spouse?  that is an off limits topic. end of story. family should no better than to interfere in a marrage.

so i am sorry if it hurts then you cut it out of your life...

That's the EASY way. It sounds like what a kid would do....I don't like that so I won't do it. End of story.

 

If you go around cutting everyone and everything out of you life that hurts you, you will end up with a very easy, but unhappy and unsatisfying life. There are no guarantees in life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger (or should).

 

My life improved 100% when I forgave my elderly father for the emotional abuse he bestowed upon me for 18 years. It took me over 2 decades to find forgiveness for him, but I did. Then I finally had peace in my life. I had never stopped loving him,but I had resented him so and carried that baggage with me whereever I went. Once I forgave him, it was as if a huge brick had been taken from my shoulders. I have been at peace ever since. He died this February and I have no bad feelings about anything. He died knowing his daughter loved him and forgave him. And I left his bedside feeling good about him and about myself. What a gift I gave myself! I have all my power back and no one controls my life!!!

 

Cutting people out of our lives when they hurt us is too easy. We don't grow from that. It's the fast and immature thing to do. We owe ourselves, others and God more than tossing people aside like they're material things. Your line of thinking is why we have a digusting 50% plus divorce rate in this country with so many miserable adults and suffering children. WE (and THEY) deserve so much better than that.

 
May 23, 2007, 2:18 am CDT

Toxic people

Dear John and Bettie,

I am sorry you are experiencing such a toxic relationship with your mother (-in-law). I applaud you for seeking professional guidance with your marriage problems and I wish you every success in resolving them. Your immediate family has to be your priority and getting these relationships functioning healthily is an absolute must.

I have experienced a toxic relationship with my own mother and despite several attempts on my part and my husband`s part to have a healthy relationship with her, her behaviour has sadly made this impossible. She will not see anything ever from anyone else`s perspective and is a black belt in `right fighting`. The strain this put on my family and I was just intolerable and we have had to reluctantly decide not to have any further dealings with her. This has been the case for more than 10 years now. My children have grown up without this grandmother and she has missed out on all of our lives. Initially after her decision to exclude me from her life for the umpteenth time we finally agreed to let it be so. This situation is very sad but so much healthier than having my mother wreak havoc in our lives all the time.

Some things are simply beyond your control. When you know in your heart that you have done all that you can to try and make the peace and realised time andd time again that these efforts are one sided then you have to make the tough decision.

I wish you every happiness for the future.

 

 
May 23, 2007, 6:08 am CDT

Sucks to be the unwanted daughter, sister and wife :-(

My mother was the same way as Virginia when she found out that my sister was sleeping with my husband in HER house :-( She never told me. I was the last person to find out. Not only was I betrayed by my husband of six months, but I was also betrayed by my sister and mother of 25 years. I never felt so unwanted and unloved in my whole life :-(

I don't let anyone get that close to me anymore so that I never have to feel that much pain ever again. I might be alone for the rest of my life but I will never be used like that ever.

 
May 23, 2007, 6:10 am CDT

05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

Quote From: pinkypolly

You seem to have forgiven your husband so why be so hard on your sister? I don't understand it for the life of me. You can forgive your husband but are having a hard time getting over what your sister did. As far as I am concerned, if you can forgive one, who is not blood related, you can forgive the other. They both knew what they were doing, so none is more guilty or innocent than the other. She will always be your sister, husbands come and go, especially the ones like him. Neither cared two hoots about your feelings at the time.

I don't like to involve children in these situations. If they want to see their aunt, they should be able to. Don't involve them in your mess.

I went thru the same thing and had a much harder time forgiving my sister because she was my blood and I had known her a lot longer than my husband. So, I expected more out of her than I would some random woman that might have slept with my husband.
 
May 23, 2007, 7:01 am CDT

toxic mother

Until this mother can learn to shut her mouth and mind her business, Bettie and her husband need to avoid her. From the sounds of Virginia this morning, I don't think she is ever going to be capable of not being invasive and intrusive. Toxic all the way.

 
May 23, 2007, 7:27 am CDT

People are NOT replaceable

Quote From: manofgoods

Look, I'm a guy & I know what she did was wrong, & should be ashamed for that, & what I'm trying to say is, you can replace another man, but you can't replace another relative.

Some men, maybe not you specifically, are pretty much irreplaceable.

 I can not imagine just up and replacing my husband with another man.  He is the father of my children and the love of my life.

 While family is extremely important to both of us we would never allow one of them the power to ruin our lives merely because of a genetic tie.

You can't replace ANY person in your life... you can choose what their role will be, you can choose to limit or eliminate contact, you can choose to allow them influence in what you do or you can choose to include a new person in your life that enhances and uplifts your  world.

 

Blood may be thicker than water but it can  leave a heck of a stain.

 
May 23, 2007, 10:11 am CDT

05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

Quote From: flthomcat

That's the EASY way. It sounds like what a kid would do....I don't like that so I won't do it. End of story.

 

If you go around cutting everyone and everything out of you life that hurts you, you will end up with a very easy, but unhappy and unsatisfying life. There are no guarantees in life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger (or should).

 

My life improved 100% when I forgave my elderly father for the emotional abuse he bestowed upon me for 18 years. It took me over 2 decades to find forgiveness for him, but I did. Then I finally had peace in my life. I had never stopped loving him,but I had resented him so and carried that baggage with me whereever I went. Once I forgave him, it was as if a huge brick had been taken from my shoulders. I have been at peace ever since. He died this February and I have no bad feelings about anything. He died knowing his daughter loved him and forgave him. And I left his bedside feeling good about him and about myself. What a gift I gave myself! I have all my power back and no one controls my life!!!

 

Cutting people out of our lives when they hurt us is too easy. We don't grow from that. It's the fast and immature thing to do. We owe ourselves, others and God more than tossing people aside like they're material things. Your line of thinking is why we have a digusting 50% plus divorce rate in this country with so many miserable adults and suffering children. WE (and THEY) deserve so much better than that.

Cutting people out of our lives when they hurt us is too easy. We don't grow from that. It's the fast and immature thing to do.

 

Not necessarily. It takes a lot of maturity to recognize a toxic situation, acknowledge it & to demand that it then stop while doing one's own part to change & stop it. If that means removing a person from your life, sometimes it really does need to happen.

 

And one can certainly grow after they remove a toxic person from their life, even those who are related by blood. One can become more responsible where as the toxic person went out of their way to keep them irresponsible, one can learn how to be a decent & respectful person where the toxic person may have prevented such growth, so on & so forth.

 

And further more, forgiveness can be a great thing when done for the right reasons. Forgiveness does not mean one should then forget & allow the person the opportunity to repeat the wrong. Some wrongs are not worth the risk of being repeated & some people are not willing to change.

 
May 23, 2007, 10:32 am CDT

Bettie and JOhn

should just move on and leave the rest of the family behind. it is clear that Virginia has some huge issues that have nothing to do with Bettie. Personally, I would look at the situation and decide that I had tried enough and would let it go. The kids deserve to have a coheisive family. And it sounds like JOhn is making efforts and maybe things will work out
 
May 23, 2007, 10:48 am CDT

Don't lose your mother!

Men come and men go, but you only have one mother. I would think twice before losing my relationship with my mother over a man who cheated on me.

As for holding it against her because she didn't say anything when she had suspicions about the affair? I really can't blame her for not wanting to blow-up the whole family. She probably hoped that it was just a flirtation and that it would all blow over without anyone having to get hurt.

I do think the MIL should make a vow to never speak of the affair again, but I wouldn't cut her out of her grandchildren's life over this.
 
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