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Topic : 05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

Number of Replies: 209
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Created on : Friday, May 18, 2007, 12:42:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
It was the affair that rocked the DrPhil.com message boards. Bettie says her husband, John, destroyed her trust when he had a six-month relationship with her sister, Molly — an affair that occurred under Bettie’s own roof! John and Bettie are back, and now they have a new family feud. Bettie says her relationship with her mom, Virginia, has been strained since they last appeared on the show. Bettie says she feels a lot of resentment toward her mother for protecting Molly while Molly was having an affair with John. Bettie and John are trying to heal their relationship and move on, but they say Virginia keeps interfering by calling their kids to pump them for information about their marriage. Now, Bettie doesn’t want her children to see or speak to Virginia until they turn 18. Plus, find out what makes Virginia storm offstage. Can Virginia be a positive part of John and Bettie’s life, or should she stay out for good? Tell us what you think!

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 23, 2007, 12:13 pm CDT

With relatives like that...

Quote From: manofgoods

Look, I'm a guy & I know what she did was wrong, & should be ashamed for that, & what I'm trying to say is, you can replace another man, but you can't replace another relative.
With relatives like that, who needs enemies?!  Some relatives shouldn't be replaced.  While I agree that she can replace her man, things get a little more complicated and emotionally harder when there are kids involved.  It's a sad situation all around.  While Virginia is a real piece of work (and by that I mean piece of ****) I think she was telling the truth when she said that her son-in-law tokes out with his stepson, which is just pathetic and sad, but he is not a man of high morals so no surprise.
 
May 23, 2007, 12:17 pm CDT

05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

heY Dr. Phill,

 

Yes you have had this man on before and this woman, she has never been on? I'm thinking that the man he should leave, because he is not happy witth his wife or motheer. can't CHANGE things like tht. You can't fica't fight the rampage, dr phil.

 
May 23, 2007, 12:31 pm CDT

It's hard to tell

Quote From: anon_slc

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

 

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin MAYBE The Professional Bachelor Dating Guide - How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Dr Brett Tate

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR The Angry Heart by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

 

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn Collins OR Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back...by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

 

There are marriages, relationships, and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can learn to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

I've been in a long time relationship with a wonderful man who I love very much.

 

But...

 

(yes, there's a "but")

 

I have suspected him of being a narcissist, and thus, emotionally abusive.    He has a very high self esteem.   He's very positive and generous.    He's also very driven, requiring just as much drive from his partner (that would be me)     I admire go getters and want to take the best that his attitude has to offer, but I've begun to notice that things are one sided.

 

It's constantly him leading the way, setting the pace and the tone.    He talks about what he thinks and rarely has patience to listen to my opinion or if he does, it is dismissed.  (not all the time, but many times) 

 

it's been like this so long that I think I'm starting to believe that I bring nothing valuable to the table and I'm a 40 year old woman with a college education who wins awards in her chosen field!!!    What the heck????

 

The books you listed, I thought "I need every one of those books!"    Walking on egg shells....that's what my life feels like.     If he's happy, all's well.  If he's not....please strap on your emotional seatbelt, ladies and gentlemen, because it's going to be a bumpy ride.  

 

It hurts to think of these things, especially when there is so much good to be had in this relationship.  The good makes the blemishes stand out that much more for me.

 

I've thought before that  I should leave, but we have a house together, one I can't afford on my own, so I think that I need to honor our commitment and work things out, but it's hard to do when your partner doesn't think there's a problem. 

 

if I ever act unhappy with some aspect of our relationship he'll say something to the effect of "I'm not enough for you."  And this always works.  I try to assure him that all relationships have problems and we're no exception and I need to talk about my concern, but then....i get the silent treatment...ignored.

 

hmmmm, maybe I don't need a book.   Maybe I just need a dose of courage

 

In any event, thank you for listing the books.  I'll go look for them.   I think I'll start with Eggshells. 

 

 

 
May 23, 2007, 12:53 pm CDT

Hubby

It really seems like this husband is working hard... I'm surprised he did the work and happy to see he and Bettie are doing well. Good job guys! Good luck dealing with your mother and MIL.... I hope everything works out in the long run.....
 
May 23, 2007, 12:54 pm CDT

Unbelievable how she....

...can honestly say that she forgives her adulterous husband but cannot forgive her mother!  That is a ridiculous statement.  The mother seems to be a bit meddlesome; however, it seems that she is blaming the mother and the husband is loving life. 

 
May 23, 2007, 1:03 pm CDT

05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

that woman ahe's got a red d face and ddr phil,k your goign to gett real?
 
May 23, 2007, 1:06 pm CDT

05/23 Secret Love: The Aftermath

What place does our family of origin play once one gets married?

 

I was sorta confused about the response to this situation because the husband appeared so smug. As if his actions werent the source of this problem. The focus became the mother's possible concealment of the affair. While I do not condone this if it happened I can appreciate the position she was in, considering that these were her children. I also recognize her as exacerbating an already difficult situation, if not because she appeared to protect one daughter over another, but because of her less than "comforting" personality.

 

I am a little upset that the daughter APPEARED to be so willing to accept, forgive, and soften her heart toward a husband who had an affair with her own sister and who is quite eagerly and openly disrespectful toward her mother. Both of which are egregious behaviors. However, whether for love, habit, the kids, or whatever reason, "with" her husband is where she wants to be.

 

How then does one address mother-daughter relationship? When one gets married (i've never been) does THAT relationship supersede your family of origin? Im really confused as to the VENOM that daughter appeared to have for her mother, while she APPEARED more willing to listen and believe her husband, who has proven in a rather offensive way his abilities to be deceitful, dishonorable, and willingness to cross certain boundaries. I also did not see the original show they appeared on, so if Im off then just tell me what I'm missing.

 

Dr. Phil's comments weren't what I wld expect...so break it down and make it speak to me.

 
May 23, 2007, 1:14 pm CDT

In my humble opinion....

 Just by watching John on the show, I could see that John is so into himself.  His way of not looking at Dr. Phil directly, but instead looking off into the audience, or perhaps into the monitor, was ignorant and rude.  Dr. Phil even mentioned that he should be looking at him.

 

John comes across - to me - as thinking he is so cool and so informed, when I don't believe he really is.  I got the impression he was saying things that he thought he SHOULD be saying now that he is in therapy, and not really meaning a word of it.  He also came across as cocky and a wise guy.  First of all, he had no business encouraging Molly in the flirting; he should have been the 'adult' - and I use the term loosely here - and avoided Molly at all costs.  If that didn't work, then he should have spoken to her directly and let her know her behaviour was inappropriate b/c he was married to her sister, and also 'happily married'.!!!!!

 

Virginia ,perhaps in her own distorted way of thinking, feels she is helping Betty by saying the things she does, when, in fact, she is only putting more fuel on the fire.   If she suspected Molly was flirting too much or even suspecting that she was having an affair with John, I believe she should have  taken the matter up with MOLLY and discouraged that fllirting and explain to her how wrong it was. 

 

I say...give it a rest and stay out of the marriage.  It is up to Betty and John to work out their own problems.  They are supposed to be adults and if Betty can get beyond the affair by accepting guidance from the therapist, more power to her.  Everyone deserves a second chance,  but messing with your wife's sister is just way over the boundaries, as far as I am concerned and I wouldn't be so forgiving to either one of them.

 

I wanted to smack John just by watching him look everywhere except at Dr. Phil.  And then to sit forward on the sofa, and say "...I am a man..  blah blah blah"  I think he is a jerk.

 

Thanks for reading this.

P.S.  I felt for badly for the PA who had to come out and go up against Virginia.  He clearly looked very uncomfortable and was flushed, to say the least.  I am sure Virginia never expected Dr. Phil to call  out the young man.  :)

 

Marlene

 

 

 
May 23, 2007, 1:15 pm CDT

john

i believe john is relishing in the the trouble between his wife and her mother he spent most of the time playing to the audiance, her mother should bow out for awhile. If i called my daughters house when all this had gone on & was told she was staying in hewr pjs all day and just doing nothing i would have been concerned about depression to..and would have tried to talk to somone about it
 
May 23, 2007, 1:29 pm CDT

I've been there

Quote From: calkauaigirl

I cannot believe that the sister would even expect to be a part of their lives after having an affair with her brother-in-law! That is obsurd. First of all, she has to be really selfish and jealous to sleep with him. In addition, it would be cruel to subject her sister to the memories of her and her brother-in-law together. And, I don't see how they can heal their marriage with her around. So I say, "Get out and stay out!"
I didn't see this program when it first aired, but I tell you what, I've lived it and I can't get past the fact that this was the man I loved with every breath I took and my sister was my best friend, so I thaught. I have caught my self apologizing to my sister for being angry with her. I never wanted to hurt her with the things I said but I've been hurt also! and the only thing she has said was that he didn't force her and all he could say was "you know how easy your sister is and I got angry and caught myself defending her. My mother said the same thing" forgive and forget" yeh right! I couldn't deal with anymore and left. I have forgiven but I will never, forget! It's like it happened yesterday. My mother took my sisters side and doesn't speak to me. I can't believe the similairities in our lives. The differences are I can't be around any of them or speak to any of them w/out thinking about what they've done . To this day my sister still says I thaught we got past this, so let it go. No apology, no nothing.
 
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