Quote From: skyblue555My fiance has had a alcohol problem for years now. You watch and pray that he'll pull himself together because he isn't just destroying his life, he destroys the lives of those around him. I've finally let my family in on his problem after years of excuses why I couldn't come to see them or attend a get together, or have them all over, etc. They are disgusted with him and me, I think, because I have put up with him. But this is a person I've loved and he always wasn't this way. Our relationship started out in such a loving, wonderful, happy way that I sometimes think my life now is all a bad dream. I am pretty naive and didn't realize he had a drinking problem. At that time he could go for months without drinking and he was careful not to do that around me while we were dating. I was completely in love with him when I realized how bad his problem was and I then became determined to help him. Because of the stress I'm under, the lack of sleep, and a tremendous loss of weight, I now see a therapist and take anti-depressants. I am learning that I am a MAJOR caretaker. I should have had a target on my forehead. A normal woman who had a decent amount of self esteem would not have taken all the crud I have for the past few years and that includes paying his bills, learning he goes on porn sites, finding out he goes to bars and buys drinks for other women, and also goes to strip clubs. Along with these behaviors he verbally abuses me terribly when he's drunk because his rage comes out. I pay all the bills when they're due, cook, clean, do the laundry and read everything I can on how to help the alcoholic. I've done what they've said over these past years and it hasn't helped. I can attend all the meetings I want to, but he is the person with the drinking problem and he is the one who has to attend the meetings and seek out help. I know I've been a martyr and I feel foolish. I've wasted the past five years of my life with someone who didn't get better with my intervention. I read recently in one of my books on alcoholism that a person can be drowning and someone on shore sees them and jumps in to save them, but because that person doesn't know how to swim they both end up drowning. I feel that's what I've done. I know my heart was in the right place. I tried every way to get him help. And now I have to separate from him because my own mental and physical health are in jeopardy. It's breaking my heart because I know the truly wonderful person he is (used to be). It's terrible to give up on someone and let them "hit bottom." My fiance's "bottom" will probably be death or jail and I can't bear the thought of that. I still wish there was something I could do for him (my therapist would kick me for saying that!)
Hi! Just so you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic and also grew up with 2 raging alcoholic parents, so I've more or less seen this issue from all sides.
A lot of what you said reminded me of myself. So I'll mention a couple of things.
First, don't be so hard on yourself. As you clearly realize, you've been enabling your fiance all over the place, to the point where it puts yourself and your employment at risk. It's unfortunate, but enabling comes naturally to most of us who think of ourselves as "good" people. Why wouldn't we want to "help"??
The problem is that enabling is very destructive to the alcoholic. Us alcoholics tend to look at the results of our drinking in terms of "well, I still have.....". And as long as someone is sticking around helping us hang on and avoid consequences, (as in leaving work to pick him up from a DUI), that person is not only hurting him/herself, but is hurting the alcoholic even more. An alcoholic NEEDS the consequences to hit his/her bottom.
The other thing that reminded me of myself is this: In spite of all the therapy and meetings and research, I can tell that you're still struggling with the notion that there has to be something left for you to do. There has to be some combination of right words or actions that will make him sit up and see the light. Simply put, there isn't. You cannot control his disease.
Finally, like me, you're on information overload. While education is certainly useful as part of a healing process, it can actually become a negative and you end up with "paralysis by analysis." And when that happens, people can stall out.
So I guess my only real advice is that you simplify things. Stop reading and researching. If your therapist isn't holding you accountable for acting on your knowledge, stop with the therapist. I do think Al Anon can be helpful in cases like yours. But set simple goals (ie, by this weekend I will have kicked him out), do not negotiate your boundaries with your fiance, and above all, be good to yourself.
