Topic : Addiction Support

I'm so lost most people go drugs to get high,but i did drugs to die i did every drug there is in the world 5 times the amount just to die.6 times i died but i keep coming back to life so after abuseing drugs for 35yrs. i decided to  when quit all drug use and it's bin 2yrs.of recovery but when do you think i'm not going to want to die this is still a everyday thing

How do you know if someone is an alcoholic? My husband and I have been married for 13 years. I have known him since his early 20's. He has always drank a lot and I chalked it up to being young and wanting to party. I, on the other hand, don't really like to drink all that much. I have the ocasional drink - maybe a few times a month - if that. I have nothing against drinking its just something I choose not to do on a daily basis. He on the other hand will drink at least a six pack a night - if not more. On the weekends with friends it can be a lot more. I have told him numerous times that it bothers me that he drinks so much but he always makes it out to be my problem. He is not abusive when he drinks - sometimes he can get a little nasty  and having a conversation is difficult because he talks in circles. Some of our biggest fights come when he is drinking so I have learned just to stop talking to him.  The smell of it & his snoring at night really gets to me. It is becoming that I am so turned off by him that it is affecting our marriage. I have tried discussing it with him - but he turns it around and says it is me that has the problem. He says he does not have a drinking problem & that I should go to an AA meeting and see what an alcoholic is. I have tried to compromise and ask him to just drink on the weekends and not during the week at home. He did that for about a month and things were great. Now he is back to popping a beer every night. Now even if I see him open one beer - I just shut down & basically stop talking to him - I don't want to be the type of person who monitors how much (to see if it is enough to get him drunk) so after just one - I check out & go to bed or read or something. I just need some advice on what is "normal" Does he truly have a problem or is it me? Our life is great aside from this issue & I know its not nearly as bad as some of the posts I've read. I'm just wondering where do I draw the line? Is it worth throwing away 13 years of marriage & uprooting our son? Anyone have any advice?

Thanks

I've known my mother to come home from work and have a drink or two as long as I can remember. I've just turned 17 in April, and I'm starting to realize that when I speak to my mother in the evening, she's angier than usual. If I ask her to do something for me after 9 P.M., she often won't remember exactly what I asked for or said. As of late, I find it increasingly difficult to be around her at all in the evenings. When we talk, she speaks over me and I cannot get a word in edgewise, and she will make negative comments about almost everything we talk about. This leaves me feeling like I've said something to upset her, even though I know it's probably the alcohol talking.

 

My sister is 19, currently lives at home and is unemployed. This places stress on the family because my mom can barely afford to make ends meat, and we need the extra income that my sister could provide, at least to help with utilities and rent. Most nights my mom will throw a tantrum about this problem, and in the end I always end up feeling like I should do something more to help the family, when I'm just trying to focus on graduating right now. I know I can't do more than I am, but I feel that I should.

 

I'm scared to bring the topic up to my mom, because she's had suicidal tendencies in her past, and I'm afraid that if I bring it up she will deem herself a bad enough mother to overdose on some kind of medication. There have been incidents like this in the past, and I don't want anything like it to ever happen again. How do I help her, and me, and my entire family if I can't talk to her about her drinking problem?

I have heard your story so many times since I got sober in 1993 and it never ceases to tug at my heartstrings.  Using the story of a very close friend, may I share where you might find answers.  Her name was MaryAnn and her husband had a terrible drinking problem.  She like you did not like to drink but she tolerated her husband's drinking because she loved him, had 2 beautiful boys by him and believed that this is what a wife does for her husband and family.  Then she found Ala-Non. With her "openmindness" in hand she went to one of their meetings and listened.  She tried not to compare herself to the people in there as much as she tried to identify.  Where was she in the stories they told?  It took a few meetings but eventually she began to see that she herself was sick and her sickness was called "codependency".  Another name one might use instead of codependent is an "enabler".

Now, from your story I see that your husband has already tried one test to see if he has a problem and it comes directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  If one does not belive themselves to have a drinking problem, try some "controlled drinking" and see how long that will last.  It would appear your husband failed that test.

Finally you said something that an enabler/codependant person might say, "He's not abusive, he just gets a littl enasty when he drinks.  I have learned over the years that being nasty to anyone is unacceptable and definately a form of abuse called, "Mental Abuse".  It can be much more damaging than physical abuse.  With physical abuse the wound heals and you forget it.  With mental abuse, it changes us and erodes some of our most precious qualities, i.e. respect, self-esteem, happiness, worthniness and I'm sure a few more are coming to your mind so you hopefully get the picture.

I hope this story has helped you .  If you really want to be happy, joyous and free then there are going to be some tough choices ahead of you and may the grace of God guide you in those choices.  Life is too short.

I come from a long line of being a codependant/enabler.  Part of it was learned behavior, part was my personality. I don't like confrontations, so what I considered being nice was being an enabler/codep to the addict.

 

In life, we tend to treat people we would hope, according to how they treat us and know how to take care of our basic needs on our own. Addicts are sick people. They are attached to escapism and denial. No substance is exempt from this. It could be food, shopping, alcohol, working, sports, booze. It is better to be addicted to work and sports because at least it does not harm the body; but to extreme, anything can become a means to avoid people and relationships. Avoidance of being in a relationship and being accountable!!!!!!  can be one very painful experience to the victim.

 

Some people are better at putting their needs aside for the sake of others; some are better at giving financially to a cause; different types. But would you give money to an organization that promoted liver disease, mental illness??? In a way, by enabling your husband (Sal) to continue drinking by ignoring all the signs, you are basically contributing to his liver cancer and mental and emotional distrubances.  I know it feels like you are doing the right thing, that you love him and want to keep the peace, but the only thing you are doing is adding fuel to the flame.

 

We have to take accountability for our actions!  Even though we would like to believe we are being good people, and fair,.......we are in fact, just as ill as they are only our illness takes on the form of "b eing nice". Being nice to an addict is not going to help them. Being nice to someone that is trying to work on their addictions is good.  Look at see what you really doing here and you will see you are blinded because you don't want to face the reality - which would  mean doing something very difficult......like walking away from him or asserting  yourself (and you may not look like a nice person) by setting boundaries to protect yourself from remaining a victim of an addict and abuser for the next 20 years of your life.

 

And yes. I agree with you Delray, that anytime we feel a need to tolerate ANY type of abuse, we are already beaten down.  Once we are down, its very difficult to come back up. Which is why we need the support of others who are beaten down as well. Power in numbers.

 

I am 48 years old and I still tend to get involved with abusers, so I choose singledom. I do not know how to pick and choose the right people that are not abusive because it is what I am used to. It is a long journey for some of us, especially those that have been hurt in our childhoods, we have picked up some bad habits and learned to tolerate others bad habits. As much as we need to understand that most of us have demons we struggle with, it is not our responsibility to make choices for others. And we are all accountable for our actions, and our actions only. A difficult concept for many.  Being with anyone that needs to escape on a daily basis is frustrating at best, but I see it as a major slap in the face and a major sign of being disrespected. It takes a while to come to see it this way. But it is worth the time and energy because life is a wonderful wonderful opportunity and we really shouldn't blow it on those that are weak and want to take down the rest of the tribe. Stay well ya' all.