Quote From: bells1980Hi there all
I don't know where to start. I am one of four children who grew up with an alcoholic father (who to this day still drinks and thinks he is normal), I am now 26yrs old but am still effected by my fathers drinking. My mother is a hard worker (and has been all her life) she managed to bring us all up on her own as dad was always camped away for work. Now I am not directly effected by his drinking but upset, sad and frustrated by the way he treats my mother (who doesn't have enough money to get away from him). My mother told me yesterday, she has four sucessful children, three young beautiful grandchildren, yet she is the loneliest she has ever been - this hurt me so much (hurting for her) that I have been weeping since. I don't know what to do, I want my mother to have had a loving, fulfilling life but I feel it is only going to get worse from here.
Thanx Bells
Hi Bells!
It's hard to respond, because there's an awful lot missing from your post. For example, what specifically would cause your mom to feel lonely right now? Could it be the holidays? Or is she maybe experiencing a bit of empty nest syndrome?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not minimizing the hell of living with an alcoholic. But something must have caused her to make a statement like that yesterday (as opposed to a year ago or 5 years ago).
Unfortunately, if your mom doesn't do something about the situation, you're probably correct that it will get worse. However, there are some things that can be done, one relating to Dad and one to Mom.
With Dad's drinking, you all (as a family) need to do what you can to make sure your father understands understands that his drinking cannot continue if he wants to be involved in your lives. Do his kids have a relationship with him? Are you all somewhat near geographically? I'm asking because one possibility is an intervention. One good thing about these interventions is that no one is "alone" - your mom would have the support of her kids. In fact, the only "alone" person is the alcoholic.
If an intervention isn't possible, you need to enlist your siblings to start making your father face the consequences of his drinking. In other words, set boundaries. Don't let him see his grandkids. Invite your mom to come and stay with you (again, it's hard to address this without knowing how far apart you all are). But don't include Dad. Make it clear that, as a family, you are done watching him destroy himself and make your mom miserable.
For mom, I would suggest a support group like Al Anon. She'll probably object, so it would be ideal if you or one of your siblings could go with her. The help and compassion in these meetings is unbelievable. No one is forced to talk - in fact, no one is forced to do anything. But the room will be filled with folks just like your mom and there will also be folks there who've come out the other side and learned how to manage this. It's extremely important that your mom have this kind of support from people who know what she's going through (she probably thinks her situation is unique and there's a lot of relief when people realize how many others live the exact same lives).
That's the gist of it. As much as you might feel sorry for your mom, the best way to help her is to directly address the issue of your dad's drinking by actions, not words. She's not as alone as she thinks she is, but it's up to her to go where the support is and then to take advantage of that support.
