Topic : Addiction Support

First, I'm sorry you had to write that all over again!  This board, quite frankly, has become totally dysfunctional and that is too bad, because at one time there was some good discussion going on.  I'm about to give up myself. 

I think it's great that you want to be involved in this girl's life, but please proceed with caution.  For example, you say she's welcome "any time" and she knows this.  What if her mom's boyfriend yells at her one night and she goes out and gets high?  Will she be "welcome" in your home at 3 AM stoned and yelling?  Would your daughter be?  Do you have other kids and would you want them exposed to this?  As well intentioned as you are, it could end up hurting her more with trust issues if she feels like you opened your home to her and then shut the door. 

One of the biggest problems is that, with addicts, you never know how much of what they say is true.  I remember my days getting drunk and high and, believe me, lying became so integral to my existence that I'd lie about what I'd had for dinner!  By the time I got into rehab, I wouldn't have known a true statement if it had jumped up and bitten me! 

So that's my first piece of advice.  Don't believe anything she says unless you've confirmed it yourself.  Are you sure her mom is dying of cancer?  Are you sure her mom's boyfriend is a jerk to her? 

The reason I think this is important is that, as an outside adult, it might be most productive for you to help her figure out a more stable living environment.  Staying with a friend doesn't count - she needs a responsible adult in her life who will love and nuture her, but will also set boundaries and be legally responsible as her guardian to see that she gets the help she needs.  Assuming you don't want to be this person yourself, the best practical help you can provide would be to find a home (ie, security) for her. 

Obviously, if her mom is really dying, a blood relative would be best.  Are there any other options?  An aunt, her bio dad....anyone???  Can you talk to her mother?  I know this might violate some confidentialities, but remember...this is a minor in a very desperate situation.   Dying or not, her mom is in a position to get this girl into some treatment - why hasn't she done so?  Is it financial?  Has her mom made any provisions for her care after she dies?   

It's hard to be more specific without knowing more about the situation, but as you guessed correctly, you are not going to be able to handle this, you'll make yourself nuts trying, and if she doesn't get help, I can promise it will get worse....much worse.  So maybe the best service you can provide is to do everything you can to get her in the care of a stable adult, even if it means leaving her current home. 

Another option is to talk to a school guidance counselor -- with or without the girl -- and ask about options.   Don't become a party to "hiding" anything, even if your daughter gets mad at you.  This is a child who needs help, and you need "help" figuring out how to get her in the right hands -- and those aren't  yours right now. 

I hope this made sense!   

Thanks so much Indian, 

I am grateful for the response, and I do get the lying part.  I was an addict too....been "clean" for about 16 years.  Unfortunately, this girl's story is the truth. She has nobody, her mother and mother's boyfriend know she is on something, but when they are home (which is rarely) they are drunk themselves.  Her bio father was the one that abused her as a child, so he is out of the question.  She has asked to talk to my daughter, and luckily my daughter is the ONLY friend she has that doesn't do drugs, and she will not get high or be high around her.......she has a warped sense of respect, but right now that works.  I have talked to my daughter about contacting Children's Aid, but that is a hard option.  I have also thought about going to her school, but that is a waiting game as they are still on Christmas vacation.  My daughter has talked to her, quite openly, and it looks as if she is going to reach out.......once this talk takes place, that will be my deciding factor, as I am really scared about waiting too long, I know what the outcome will be. 

Thanks again for your help, I forget sometimes how to think like her, I am too busy trying to "save" her. 

Tammy 

I have never done one of these message boards before, but I need some advice and I am really upset. I just found out a couple days ago that my boyfriend has gotten addicted to crack. He has only been using it for the past 2 weeks. He is 25 and he still lives at home w/ his family. We have been having a lot of problems w/ him over the past couple weeks "disappearing". Not being where he says he is going to be and he has been lying about everything! I have seen him a total of maybe 2 hours these past 2 weeks. That was so he could come here and cancel our plans for New Years Eve, which we had $350 reservation to a really nice hotel and dinner, and he said he was sick and going to go home to go to bed. Well I found out a couple days later from his family that he didn't get home until about 3am and had lied to me about it. Then I found out a day or two after that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd so to speak. He called me Thursday afternoon and broke down in tears about everything, all the lies, and his addiction to crack. He promised me he would stay away from his "friends" and stop doing it. He promised his parents the same thing, but then turned around right after they had their discussion about this and went back out and is still doing it and lying about where he is at. When he got back they took the car keys from him as attempt to keep him at home, but then the next day (yesterday afternoon) he had someone pick him up and disappeared again.  No one knows where he is at or when he will get back home. I don't know that much about crack except for what I have read on the internet. I know it is highly addicted and can be hard to get off of it. I am really scared for his safety and his life. He is in the process of really screwing up everything in his life. I feel our relationship is totally falling apart, he is about to lose his job, and his parents are getting ready to kick him out of the house. I am scared he is going to end up in jail, dead, or just hitting rock bottom and having nothing in his life but drugs. This has been tearing me apart. I am constantly stressed out and worried. Every day I am calling around to his friends trying to find him but they are no help, I feel sick all the time now, hardly sleep. I had 4 hours of sleep last night. Someone tried to call my cell phone at 2am and I had missed the calls. They called twice. I didn't recognize the number, but I was up all night thinking it might be him and what if something went wrong or something happened. I need to know what to do. My family and friends tell me to get away from him and break it off, but I love him so much that I can't just turn my back on him and walk away. I want to help him. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter.  

I feel horrible for you, but the truth is your family and friends are correct.  Turning your back on him and walking away might be the best thing (in the long run) you can do for him. 

As you probably know, he won't seek help until he wants it himself, so there is really nothing you can do to "help him" except to make sure that you're not contributing to the problem by enabling him.  And enabling means anything you do that minimizes the consequences of his drug use, because it is these consequences that get someone to seek help.   

What would be most useful for you is to call your local Narcotics Anonymous and see if they have a Narcanon chapter around.  If so, you need to go to one of their meetings.  Not only will you get a ton of support from people in your situation, you will also learn how to cope with it and maybe even get some ideas about rehab centers or places for help.  Get his parents to go with you -- if they're still letting him live at home and use an illegal drug, they are enabling him as well. 

What you need to avoid is letting his sickness rule your life.  And it sounds like you're going down that path already.  It's very understandable, and it happens to a lot of us, but unfortunately it will only get worse until he decides he's had enough.  So you have to take care of yourself by refusing to participate in his illness. 

If he does have resources for a rehab, then it's much more simple.  You simply tell him he goes through treatment or you're gone.  Don't negotiate any of this and don't get sidetracked.   Addicts love to deflect the real issue with a lot of meaningless promises, and once you get caught up in that cycle, it'll be harder and harder to pull out.   

I feel horrible for you, but the truth is your family and friends are correct.  Turning your back on him and walking away might be the best thing (in the long run) you can do for him. 

As you probably know, he won't seek help until he wants it himself, so there is really nothing you can do to "help him" except to make sure that you're not contributing to the problem by enabling him.  And enabling means anything you do that minimizes the consequences of his drug use, because it is these consequences that get someone to seek help.   

What would be most useful for you is to call your local Narcotics Anonymous and see if they have a Narcanon chapter around.  If so, you need to go to one of their meetings.  Not only will you get a ton of support from people in your situation, you will also learn how to cope with it and maybe even get some ideas about rehab centers or places for help.  Get his parents to go with you -- if they're still letting him live at home and use an illegal drug, they are enabling him as well. 

What you need to avoid is letting his sickness rule your life.  And it sounds like you're going down that path already.  It's very understandable, and it happens to a lot of us, but unfortunately it will only get worse until he decides he's had enough.  So you have to take care of yourself by refusing to participate in his illness. 

If he does have resources for a rehab, then it's much more simple.  You simply tell him he goes through treatment or you're gone.  Don't negotiate any of this and don't get sidetracked.   Addicts love to deflect the real issue with a lot of meaningless promises, and once you get caught up in that cycle, it'll be harder and harder to pull out.   

Well, she sure is lucky (although that might seem like a strange word) to have you and your daughter! 

I guess my only remaining concern is your own daughter.  At 16, this is a lot to handle, so hopefully the whole thing can be steered towards getting some professionals involved in the girl's care.  It does sound like she has other problems besides the drugs, and you and your daughter need to spread some of the worry around a bit. 

In fact, your daughter (and you, too, for that matter) might benefit from Al Anon or Al a Teen.  Especially in your daughter's case, the support there might be really helpful for her, even if she's not technically a "family member". 

I really wish you the best with this.  If you get a chance, let us know how it goes!