Topic : Addiction Support

I think you sent this to the wrong person. 

  

I have no problem with a significant other (or a friend, spouse, whatever) doing the legwork to identify a place where someone can seek help. 

  

But, beyond that, there is no such thing as "getting him some help" or "getting him to stop".  If he's 25 years old and legally sane, he can't be forced into anything and he will quit only when he is ready. 

  

It is by far the hardest lesson loved ones have to learn, but it is also the most fundamental. 

First, I think it's awesome that you're going away for the weekend.  I hope it ends up as a fun distraction from all this! 

  

And I, too, wonder why people would say to walk away from the other girl.  The biggest issue is knowing your own limitations....but you seem to have a handle on that. 

  

One thing:  I do again suggest a support  group for your daughter in going through this, but if you or she can't be talked into that, I'd suggest maybe browsing through the recovery section of a bookstore and identifying a good book on learning when and how to "let go" when you're dealing with an addict.  Another option, believe it or not, would be for your daughter (under your guidance, of course) to seek out some internet forums where she can talk openly about her feelings.   

  

I just got done saying this to someone else, but I'll reiterate it here.  It really is the toughest lesson of all when we love addicts and alcoholics -- we want to help and we want to save, but in many cases we run into a brick wall.  And most people blame themselves when this happens.  If only they could have found the right combination of words!    I grew up with this (having 2 alcoholic parents) and then I put my own loved ones through it, so I know the helplessness and the blame game.    

  

But I still say it sounds like you have a very good handle on things!   

I have recently turned 20 and have ended a 2 year relationship, as my partner had developed an addiction to Crystal Meth.  Our relationship was quite strong, until I went for a holiday to Europe where my mother was living at the time.  I was only gone a month, however when I returned home I found my partner constantly using.  The drug was no longer a party excuse or an experiment.  When I would ask him why he would need to use, he would say that he was constantly tired from work and needed it to keep him awake.  His behaviour changed dramatically, and eventually I found he was selling as well because he could no longer afford it himself.    Coming from home one day I found he had stolen all my birthday and anniversay gifts he had given me over the past two years.    After a month of trying to get him help, I eventually gave up and entered deep depression.  I found myself throwing things around the house, and not being able to get up in the morning for work.  I had almost lost my job and ended my studies because I no longer had a will for anything.   It has been almost 5 months with him.  I cannot believe I have lost someone so special, someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with to a drug.  The person who sincerely adored me turned into a person I did not know.    The problem I am facing now is that he has started to call again, wanting me back into his life.  I am finding it hard to avoid him, mostly because I know that deep down I still love him.  I don't know what to do...    Believe me, I can understand what you are going through.  I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength within yourself.  Know that he has not chosen the substance over you, he simply has developed a habit he can't break out of.

First, please give yourself a huge pat on the back for having the courage to separate yourself from his addiction.  All you have to do is read through the posts in this forum to see how rare and special that is.  In fact, I'd guess most people look back and wish they had had the strength to do what you've done. 

  

As for what happens next, everything you are experiencing, including the depression, is normal.  What you need is a support group to help you deal with the anger, grief, frustration, guilt, etc...and that's why you definitely need Narcanon (or, if that isn't available, Al Anon).   If you've tried explaining your situation to friends who haven't gone through this, you'll see what I mean about them not always getting the complex emotions co-dependancy can cause. 

  

You'll also get some good advice about letting him back in your life.  Personally, I wouldn't ever tell someone categorically "NO DON'T DO IT!!".  But I would very definitely urge extreme caution.   

  

You've already proven you can do the hard part (setting boundaries) so you'd have to do this again if he wants to be part of your life.  For starters, I'd set Boundary Number One:  You wouldn't even consider it unless and until he's in some sort of treatment program, including NA.  And then, once he's proven that he's working on a solid recovery program, you set your other no-tolerance boundaries and you stick to them.  If they're not non-negotiable, they're not boundaries, and anyone who invites an addict to share their life with no boundaries attached is literally begging for trouble.  

  

I do hope you seriously consider a support group.  It's a gift you can give yourself and you'll be amazed, both at how much you learn and how much help you'll get. 

Hi, I'm from Australia on the west coast.  Female mid 40's, married with kids.  I've been struggling with excessive binge drinking for several years and have made a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion.  I now have retreated from friends and just stick to myself, my husband is now helping me to get over drinking, am seeing doctor and doing all the things I should to quit.  But I still feel as if I want to be able to have the couple of glasses a night without over indulging.  I find it hard to face a life of never having a drink again.  I quit smoking 10 years ago and have never had one since,  it was like losing my best friend.  The same is now applicable to drinking.  My parents were alcoholic also.  I am not a happy person, take anti-depressants and often wonder why?  Is there anybody else who knows what I am feeling or would like to correspond. 

  

Wow, you sound almost identical to me!  I live in the US, am 47, female, happily married for 18 years, and am in the same situation.  I think there is one difference, though...my disease is a bit further along than yours.  You sound like me, maybe 5 years ago.  That makes sense, because you are a few years younger.  PLEASE be careful with your drinking.  People told me so many times that alcoholism is an insidious disease that NEVER goes away and ALWAYS gets worse.  Yours will also.  Your disease will progress and eventually kill you.  Sorry to sound so grim.  I have finally realized that I HAVE to get sober or die.  Maybe not this year or this decade, but it will take me if I don't stop.  If you ever have read or listened to how alcoholics meet their demise, the scene is not pretty.  I love to drink, and it is so very difficult to give it up.  But I want to live a quality life and stop making a fool of myself.  Believe me, being in your mid 40's and thinking you are "cool" or "cute" when you drink (like I always did) is so far from the truth.  You are no longer the 'life of the party', but rather the 'old town drunk' when in public.  You say that you are reclusive.  That says to me that you are hiding your disease and would rather live with the bottle than socialize with friends and family.  Do your hubby a favor and get help-I think he (and you) will be so much happier.  Good luck.

Thanks for your reply.  I have taken a couple of days to digest and re-read everything you said.  What you say is very true.  I am currently seeing a doctor and trying to sort this mess out.  I don't go out anywhere because I am so embarrassed about the things that I have done and just feel that everyone is talking about me.  We are currently selling our house to make a new start elsewhere.  I truly hope you can quit and start living "normally" again as I intend to do.  It will be a struggle and there may be the occasional hic-up but I know that I have to take control.  I understand that when out and everyone else is drinking all you want to do is just have one or two glasses.  Great if that's all we can do.  I can.  But eventually you think oh well I'll just have a one more etc.....  I've had counselling where they talk about controlled drinking.  I think that might work ffor someone who has stopped for a long time, it doesn't work for me yet.  Let's get free of this horrible disease.  I don't want my kids to grow up like this and I want to see my grandchildren.  Take care and don't give in. 

  

Howdy.  If I could just interject for a minute here.... 

  

First, I went through a lot of what you've mentioned and I recently celebrated 15 years of sobriety.   

  

This may sound a bit harsh (and I apologize it if does, but I speak the truth) I think your problem is that you are going about this with "half measures" (as AA would call it).  And the most recent example of this is that you say you've been hanging around a message board waiting to hear from someone who is probably very well intentioned, but is still drinking like yourself.  What "help" can each of you give the other?  Sure, you can trade war stories and talk about your feelings....but that won't get this monkey off your back.   

  

Like you, I saw a lot of myself in Lisa, particularly those scenes where she was shaking as she drank from the bottle.  I have been there and I have done that.  In fact, my last binge before rehab actually resulted in "broken tolerance", which is this bizarre situation where one's dependency level is actually higher than the tolerance level.  In other words, I was in withdrawal, but drinking vodka straight out of the bottle didn't help.  It wasn't just scary - it was terrifying beyond words. 

  

I do think you have a pretty good grasp of where you're headed, which is a good start.  But if you want the truth, I don't think you're quite scared enough yet.  A lot of the things you've tried (and it makes me mad that you've had to go through this, since I believe there are so many whackjobs out there trying to treat this disease!) are simply shortcuts that rarely work.    

  

So I see you in a place where you want to want to get sober.  (It reminds me of myself and smoking -- I wish I wanted to quit, because it won't work unless I do.  And I don't).   

  

I do think a support group like AA offers you the best chance.  But do you see that there's a huge difference between saying on a message board that you "need to get" to an AA meeting and actually getting to one?   

  

During the last stages of my drinking, I started shaking after about 6 hours without a drink.  But if  you've gone 2 days already, you might not be that dependent yet and therefore not need detox.  But what you do need is some form of treatment (possibly outpatient, if you can't get into a center) and a support group like AA.   

  

But nothing will work until you decide you're willing to put sobriety ahead of everything else in your life and you're willing to go to whatever lengths are necessary to achieve it.  As they say in AA, recovery is a process, not an event.   

  

I wish I knew the magic words to get someone to that point.  I've tried many times.  But it has to come from you and you alone.  You literally have to wake up one morning and say "enough".