Topic : Addiction Support

Hi, I just joined the club because I am also looking for support.  It sounds like we are on the same both.  My husband went to an eight month program back in 1991. He went through the whole AA program for about two years and stayed sober for 13 years. In Spring 2001 he decided that he deserved to enjoy a drink or two and started getting drunk just like the way it was before he got sober. I always thought that when a recovered alcoholic relapses, he would drop dead, because it happened to a couple of people he knew form the program. But my husband didn't even get sick the first time he drunk after so many years. He drinks very heavily. He would start drinking on a Friday afternoon and stop 24 hours later or sometimes longer.  He goes completely crazy, agresive, mean, offensive and violent.  Like in your situation, he torments me and abuses me mentally and emotionally. He also gets crazy enough to try to jump out of the car while I'm driving because I refuse to stop so that he can get more alcohol.  Completely out of control, crazy, yelling and causing me and everyone else out, whoever he sees in front of him.  I understand exactly how you feel.... This is how I feel every time he gets drunk; Terrified, stressed out, restless, frightened, insecure, traumatized, angry, abandoned, hopeless and dissapointed.  I am to the point where I feel at the end of my rope and I know that my only chance to regaing some peace is to attend Alanon.  I need to regain control of my life and my sanity because he is taking everything out of me.  

You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to get out.  Do yourself a favor, if you can make it on your own, don't ever go back with him.  You need to find a man that is able to give you a normal life.   This weekend my husband verbally abused and harrassed a couple of teenagers in the family while he was completely intoxicated at the beach.  I am trying to make him realize that this is the worse thing he has ever done and that it's time to stop. I have been very upset since, just thinking about all the things he said to these kids and I know it's also time for me to stop giving him chances.  Me and my daughter are starting Alanon this week.  I know it will help us to heal little by little.  My husband says he doesn't remember anything that he did to these kids, but he says that this time he will go to AA.  He has been saying that for the past four years so I won't believe it until I see it.  But this time, I know I owe it to other people to make a serious desition if he doesn't. 

Thanks for sharing your story...  it helps to know that you're not alone  ---------- Good luck to you! 

I agree with Indian! How about Dopinomore? 

Peace and Namaste 

Mischif 

Howdy.  I'm sending a little "tough love" your way but, like most of what I say, it's really directed to anyone reading it, not you specifically. 

You keep referring to "my daughter and me" as if you're one entity.  You're not.  Your husband's drinking is affecting her in far different ways than it's affecting you.  I know this because I was the child of 2 alcoholic parents, I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic, and I am a recovering alcoholic myself.  I learned a lot during my recovery and parts of it were difficult, but I promise you that the most serious and troubling issues I've had to face have been those caused by growing up in an alcoholic household.  And the violence/drunkenness isn't even the biggest problem.  It's the behaviors that spring up when one parent is protecting a habit, and another is allowing this to happen and then rationalizing it somehow.  These are the dynamics that are forming your daughter's coping mechanisms, and they aren't good.   

You told one poster that she "needs to find a man that is able to give you a normal life".    Is having having a "man" all that important?   

I think Alanon is a great idea for you, but I suspect you'll need to turn your thinking around a bit.  Alanon doesn't teach family members how to live with an alcholic - it teaches them how to live without the alcoholic.  And that starts with setting firm and measurable boundaries, the biggest of which is that his drinking and your family life are incompatible. 

You really need to think more about what you're doing to your daughter by continuing to expose her to this.   You have good intentions - that much is obvious - but your daughter needs you to stop talking and start acting.  She's the one person in this triangle who has the most to lose and the least to say about it. 

LOL!!!!! 

Somehow I lost a small portion of my message to you. 

The one thing you didn't mention is your daughter's age.  Obviously, if she's an adult and living on her own, some of the sense of urgency is gone, but my basic comments still apply.   

That's why Alanon will be so helpful.  There's a ton of support there, but it's geared towards ending the mess - not finding a way to exist within it.  And it ends either by getting him to realize by your actions that he can't drink, or getting pro-active and simply removing yourself from the situation.   

Hi, 

Sorry for disappearing for a while. It has been a crazy ten days at work. I had read your thoughtful advice and talked to my son about increasing his work days or getting another parttime job. Glad to report he likes the ieda. He has also started going to AA again and this time seems to have clicked with someone there. I haven't been to Al-Anon yet, but will definitely go now that my work schedule has become normal again.  

You are right - we cannot live in anxiety and continually try to create a safe haven. He is the one who has to learn to deal with it. But we are a close family and he knows that we will always love him,  but will not bend over backwards to accomodate any nonsense. 

Thanks for being here. 

I'm new to the boards, and didn't really know which category to even start with.  I'm starting here because my husband's drinking seems to be (admittedly from my viewpoint) the biggest problem in our marriage.   

We've been married for almost 3 years, but known each other for about 15.  He has always drank, but I feel that lately it's affecting his behaviour in some very negative ways.  I've tried talking to him when he's sober (before noon), and trying to offer help in any way I can, but although he says "I know I'm a drunk" he refuses to seek help or to stop.  The best offer I get is that he will slow down.  He gets verbally abusive when he drinks and it's tearing me to shreds (and I'm not the most self-confident person to start with and I realize this may be a huge part of MY problem). 

Sunday he moved into a different bedroom where he has most of the comforts of home - his own area complete with TV/VCR, etc.  Now he eats there, sleeps there, drinks there and only shares the common areas of the house when he has to. 

I have 3 children from my life prior to him, and he's a great father (when he's sober). 

I talked to him Tuesday morning and asked where do we go from here.  He said he didn't know.  I told him I was doing everything I could think of to try to save our marriage but nothing seems to make him happy and that I need some ideas from him.  He didn't have any.  He's been telling me he wants a divorce for about a year and a half. 

I've checked into Alanon meetings in our area, but haven't gone to any yet. 

Is there any hope?  And if not, how do I get out of this without feeling like the failure? 

Any input would be much appreciated.  Thanks!! 

I'm new to the boards, and didn't really know which category to even start with.  I'm starting here because my husband's drinking seems to be (admittedly from my viewpoint) the biggest problem in our marriage.   

We've been married for almost 3 years, but known each other for about 15.  He has always drank, but I feel that lately it's affecting his behaviour in some very negative ways.  I've tried talking to him when he's sober (before noon), and trying to offer help in any way I can, but although he says "I know I'm a drunk" he refuses to seek help or to stop.  The best offer I get is that he will slow down.  He gets verbally abusive when he drinks and it's tearing me to shreds (and I'm not the most self-confident person to start with and I realize this may be a huge part of MY problem). 

Sunday he moved into a different bedroom where he has most of the comforts of home - his own area complete with TV/VCR, etc.  Now he eats there, sleeps there, drinks there and only shares the common areas of the house when he has to. 

I have 3 children from my life prior to him, and he's a great father (when he's sober). 

I talked to him Tuesday morning and asked where do we go from here.  He said he didn't know.  I told him I was doing everything I could think of to try to save our marriage but nothing seems to make him happy and that I need some ideas from him.  He didn't have any.  He's been telling me he wants a divorce for about a year and a half. 

I've checked into Alanon meetings in our area, but haven't gone to any yet. 

Is there any hope?  And if not, how do I get out of this without feeling like the failure? 

Any input would be much appreciated.  Thanks!! 

    Easy now! My name doesn't come from that. I got my nik-name about 17years ago (wow that makes me feel old) 'cause I'm cute and smiley like the dwarf dopey. So actually it fits me better now 'cause I'm happier and more like I was back then. 

So I hope now that you know the origin of it you will see it differently and embrace it. 

Yes I will be sticking around more looks like you could use the help. 

Love You 

Me 

No one every grows up and say  I think I will be a drug addicted or alocholic, but one day I did become one, addicted to crack, started out with the drinking and it grows and grows and grows to trying more and more drugs, trying to get higher than you did before.  Wanting to fill a void, a emptiness, a longing, TRYING to ESCAPE, but never escaping. Matter of fact feeling worst than you did before you took your first drink or smoke for the day. One day someone cared about me and told me a someone who could take the taste and craing out of my body forever. Did I want this? I was so used to getting high, I did not know what I wanted, scared to be without and scared to keep doing it. But I made a choice, because I wanted a better life, one where I did not have to keep looking over my shoulders, not having money, selling myself short, looking older than my years and simply not able to cope with reality. So I accepted Jesus, yep strung out on crack, I had gone from just doing it on weekends to wanting it everyday and I still worked, kept house and raised my children. But I knew there was more to my life then to keep getting high, destroying my body, my mind and the people who loved me. The addiction is greater than you, it is more powerful than you and you need someone with Power, to deliver you from this thing. It wants to destory your life and it is ONLY YOU that can make the decision to say enough is enough and I want to LIVE! 

You are still young and you can have a new beginning in life. I did. I stopped doing drugs the very day that I made Jesus my Savior, I was 33. He cares for you. If you have tried everything else and it has failed now give Him a try and He will not let you down. I needed miracles to happen in my life with only a high school diploma,  I needed a good paying job, it was hard to get one with my criminal record, but I know that if I surrendered my life to Him, that He would take care of me. I got a good paying job, not one, but two, flew to different cities at the expense of the company. I know it is not all about that but if that is what you need at the time then it is. I was able to work, sleep peacefully and enjoy life without ever being high again and the same can happen for you. Learn to accept the fact that you cannot do it, you cannot change yourself, accept the fact that you need someone greater than you to do a great thing in you. I say to you today, LIVE. 

I only want to encourage you to let His footsteps be the ones to carry you through and you can live and enjoy life.