Topic : Addiction Support

First, sorry about the confusion - I misunderstood you.   You're exactly right about the open and closed meetings, so I guess this was some kind of unusual celebration (which is what you said...lol!).

One of your comments really hit home!  You said:  In time, the conviction of my beliefs will come to the forefront without the emotional baggage attached. I have to be a little patient with myself.

This is an excellent way to put it!  The fear you mentioned that she'd lose respect for you or even reject you is very understandable - we've all been there.  But you'll find a way to balance all this against your love for her.  They exist independent of each other, and you're certainly allowed to be angry about or disappointed in the  poor choices she may make.

I'm really glad that you were open minded enough about Alanon and plan to continue going.  Do keep us updated!!   I say this partly because there are a lot of people who "lurk" on these boards, and someone like you serves as a tremendous inspiration to folks still caught up in the game of "why I can't go to AA/Alanon".   You're living proof that people can start going any time they want.

You have a great day too, Coffee! 

First of all, since it's you asking for the help and not your son, I suspect he's not ready to quit using drugs.  It's easy to say you want to stop - these are just words.  And all of us who are addicts/alcoholics have used them ourselves, usually to get someone else to stop harrassing us!

Please read through some of the recent posts, especially what coffee has had to say.  You'll find them instructive, because you are in the same situation, only it sounds like you're enabling him much worse if he's still living with you at 27 and not contributing financially.

Also, on the drivers license, I'm not sure what you're saying.  If you're saying his options are limited because he doesn't have ID, he can get a state ID.  If  you're saying it means he can't get to a place of employment, please give  him a bus schedule!!

Even though you don't intend it this way, your current arrangement is merely giving him permission to continue using drugs, while talking about how he doesn't want to.  

I certainly simpathize with how you feel. It sure is frightening. My daughter (26) was also diagnosed with a.d.d. a long time ago. I have never allowed her to use it as an excuse. It doesn't mean their incapable of learning, just that they learn a different way.

The hardest part of a mother watching her child is that we desperately want to help. There are many things we "can" do. There are many things we "CANNOT".  The first thing is recognizing we can't make them stop!

The second thing is getting support for yourself!

I'm just in the process myself so take what I have to say as a novice.

Find an al-anon meeting in your area. Learning what you are doing to enable him will help you help him. While we would like to "blame" the company they keep, that would be a big mistake. While the temptations are made more easily available by the friends/family/influences, ultimately it is "HIS" choice.

You could suggest to him if he really wants to stop to go to an AA or narcanon meeting?

Tough pill to swallow, but perhaps you are in a bit of denial as I was.

You're right, you cannot babysit him, but you cannot allow him to use/keep drugs in your home, put you at risk physically or emotionally. Al-anon may offer you some support and ideas on resources.

I re-read this entire post and I have to tell you there is an abundance of info here.

One thing I do know, kids with A.D.D. learn better by sight. If we lead by example perhaps some of the message will get to them. By your stepping up to get help for yourself, perhaps it will be less fearful to them to get help for themselves. Either way, you'll know how to deal with boundary issues and perhaps keep some of your sanity.

My heart goes out you, Keep faith that it is possible for him to get back to a normal life.

We can make a difference!

Coffee :)

In reading your post a couple of things came to mind. (cheapest ones someone found a while ago wanted at least $50.00) Was the suggestion for methadone given to your sister by her doctor? What steps has your sister taken for herself to find out. There are other ways of finding info besides the internet.

If this was awhile ago, why is the idea so important now? What happened to then?

I say this because I'm beginning to understand more and more about the "helpers" in the lives of the addicted. We see the destruction so clear and our love for our family and fear for their lives pushes us to act for them.

I'm beginning to learn the best way we can help them is to help ourselves in understanding the role we play and what "WE" need to do to help in the best ways possible. I'm not saying we need to fork out large sums of money on therapies or rehab that probably won't work if they're not at the stage to "really" act for themselves to stop what they are doing.

As helpers sometimes the best help we can give is not help. Supporting them in "their" efforts is a gift of love. Suggestions of "them" making phone calls to get information and suggestions of feedback for their "plan" to help themselves seem to be more in the area of where we should be.

Sounds like your sister is in desperate need of medical attention! Perhaps suggesting "she" call her doctor's office and have a heart to heart with him is a good place to start. There's nothing wrong with you going with her.

As many of the posts suggest by those who have been there before us, you may want to find an al-anon meeting in your area for yourself.

I really do feel your pain. There is nothing worse than watching someone you love destroy themselves.

There is hope and help out there! May you find the strength you need!

Coffee :)

firstly ty for your input. this has been going on for like 4-5 years ? now. and nobody knows what to do at all, she lives with her father not with us, so there is little we can do ourselves. she is on disability and all of her money goes for herion she wont spend any at all for  a  dr and doesnt currently have one at all. and we dont have the money for a dr we all all are on disability as well and are barely making ends meet each month.the same is true of her dad he is in the same boat. she wont go to see a dr even if we did have the extra money needed.  she wont tell anyone less yet a dr. and she said she would go to a meth clinic but none of those are free that we know about in denver.  

so what to do ? i wish Dr Phill would read this and maybe if he knew of a clinic in denver or somewhere close by they would take her as a inpatient and give her meth or whatever they do there.  

what type of disability is she on, ssdi?ssi? Most types require yearly information to be given by a medical professional to whatever agency has determined she is disabled. Disabled because? Most disability payments require you to be under the care of a doctor?   

Another avenue is to declare her incapable of looking after her affairs because of her addiction and have someone appointed to look after her money? SSdi and SSI have services. Sounds harsh, but, if she's living with her father who has the same problem, how much help or realization is she going to seek?   

Or do you mean her father is disabled. If that's the case, he is enabling her at his own expense financially, physically and emotionally. In her condition, she will take him for anything and everything she can. What is his opinion about her drug use?   

Would she still be disabled if she were not on drugs?   

I too have a disability that presents many challenges for me. A fact rather than an excuse to "not do" what I need to do and what I can do!   

I know how stressful the situation can be, please make sure you look after yourself. Stress can interfere and exaggerate disabling symptoms. It's a body reaction to the condition. No matter what happens, "YOU" have to come first!   

I really hate to burst your bubble, but there is not one single place "Free" or not that will help the unwilling. She is getting a payoff for staying an addict. Until She makes an effort to stop, no place free or otherwise is going to help her. There are many other avenues besides Dr. Phil, even he cannot make her stop nor send her anywhere that can!   

Have you discussed the issues with your doctor. This must be impacting you on several levels. Perhaps he/she can guide you in the best way for you to handle the situation for yourself first and perhaps he/she can give you some ideas for her?   

The best way to help her continue to be an addict is to keep her secret!   

May the good lord give you strength!   

Coffee  :)   

Sorry I read and answer one post at a time, I just saw you added to your post.  

Your not going to like my suggestion but here goes:  

The next time she comes home and passess out, her father should simply call an ambulance and report  a drug overdose. She would certainly get medical attention???????   She won't like it, but then again, she "CLAIMS" she would do an inpatient program????????      

As for worrying about the police?????   I would rather worry about them than the undertaker????  Sooner or later the police may be involved. What if she gets caught trying to buy or sell drugs?????  

Sorry, sometimes I get on my soap box!!  

Hang in there!  

Coffee :)