Topic : Addiction Support

 My wife had gastric bypass 41/2 yrs ago and she had to have 2 extra surgeries due to the first. She has become addicted to the medicine. She buys the medicne online she dr shops she gets it from friends and family. I had the hardest time convincing  her parents there was a problem but now they know. Her mom still helps her and dosent realize it. One big problem is her ex who wants her back gives her all he can. We have had several fights disagreements over this and it is ruining our marriage. I love her more then anything and im afraid that by trying to help her i am running her away. We will be losing our family home at the end of this month because of it. Her parents have offered to help and they will but i feel like we will be throwing their money away if they do help as long as she is like she is. She has 2 children from her ex 14 and 10 they live with us and i love her kids. We have had several arguements in front of them including tonight. It is not fair to them but she does it to make me feel bad she wants them to see us arguing so that i look like the bad one. I do stupid things like take her painkillers from her and she gets more hyper and it scares the kids. I am sitting her crying my eyes out while typing this I need some help or some answers. It is making me think bad thoughts such as i cant live without her and the easiest way out  for me is suicide. Everbody says cut my losses and move on but it is not that easy for me. Please somebody hep me talk to me tell me what i need to do.

The situation that you are contending with is an extremely painful and serious one.

I can empathize with your pain and sense of hopelessness.

Having the ex enabling her to get more drugs in a bid to get her back is horribly wrong and shame on him!

Taking her pain killers away from her is not stupid, but it is futile I'm afraid. she will simply get more or become hostile.

She has a serious problem, unfortunately she does not see it that way.

I'm going to assume that this has been going on for a few years, and has now come to a place were the problem is bigger than the family can handle.

First stop arguing with her, she can not or will not see the problem as a serious issue, and will only end up defending her addiction.

sit those kids down and ask them how they see the situation, they are old enough that they will be able to articulate their thoughts and feeling about the matter. They need to be heard too.

It will be better if they are aware that what is happening is not their fault, and that the significant adults in their life are aware their is a problem and are doing everything within their power to lovingly and compassionate deal with it.

If the children are not included they may side with their mom, which normally would not be a problem, however since "mom" is addicted she is not thinking clearly, and he focus is centered entirely around her addiction. You don't want to be in a situation were you are contending with "mom" and the kids too, you need those kids on your side. don't place blame, and do not speak about their biological Dad, when they are aware of what needs to happen to help their mom they will probably come to their own conclusions about their Bio Dad's behavior, and hopefully will let him know that he is not helping the situation.

Letting her family help you save the family home is a tough call, but only you can sincerely make that call. this addiction is wreaking havoc in the whole family, so you are going to have to make a decision as to whether saving the home is good for you and the kids or if letting it go will help your wife see her problem more clearly.

You are going to have to take on more responsibilities like shopping and paying the bills, do not give your wife money. If she is working and pays for some of the bills and what not, let her know that if she gives you the money that you can take care of the bills and shopping. The money that she has left, you can not do much about.

Seek out support from your local family support groups, ask the kids if they would like to come along, if they do great if they don't no problem, it's an open offer.

Go see your local metal health, let them know what is going on and that you are at your wits end and suicide has become an option for you. It is not a good one, but all the same if you are thinking it, then it is really time to get some understanding and caring support, while you gather up your strength and courage, to do what is necessary for you and those kids.

go talk to your local addictions counselors. Not sure what their office is called, here were I live it is called AADAC.

Talk to mental health about whether involuntary treatment would be a solution to detoxing and getting your wife to see more clearly.

Take the options they present to you to your in-laws and include the children if the workers say it is appropriate to do so. Would be better if the counselor you are working with could be present at the meeting as well.

The wife should not be present at this first meeting as you will want the family to be on the same page before speaking to your wife.

After having the family on the same page and the alternatives set out and agreed upon then bring your wife into a family meeting, preferably with a counselor trained in family interventions, dealing with addictions.

A good addictions or mental health worker trained in interventions will be able to help the family learn how to intervene in an appropriate way. an example would be, be specific when talking about feelings evoked by certain behaviors. IE: I became afraid when you took 10 pills instead of two like the prescription says. Or I feel sorrow when we argued in front of the children last night, and the night before, and two nights before that. I got really scared three nights ago when I tried to wake you up, and was unable to, because you took to many pills and they knocked you out.

Those are a few examples.

If treatment is the solution, have a bed ready for her, and if she is willing take her to the center asap.

If the professionals deem it necessary for involuntary treatment, they can help you with that too.

There should be some intervention in a bid to get her to voluntarily get her to see the problem the addiction has caused in the family, and a willingness to do something about it.

However, she may be at a point were the addiction is paramount to her aside from all else.

Get your self support and help.

Involve the children as much as appropriately possible.

Get the in-laws involved.

Seek out a professional or professionals.

I hope that this helps somewhat to give you some direction.

You are not alone, if you need someone to talk to or want to give an update on what is happening that would be appreciated, as I do care.

Hugs

Tammy

 

 

 

 

 

I completely understand how lonely and sad you must feel. My ex husband, the father of my 2 year old son, is currently incarcerated for drug abuse. He started using cocaine/crack when I was 5 months pregnant and as you can imagine he made my pregnancy horrible. I am currently raising my son as a single mother, we are divorced, and he has not seen my son since he is 11 months old. He has emotionally abused me, during which should have been the best time of my life, stolen thousands of dollars from me, and ruined my credit. But the worst thing is that my son is growing up and he does not have a father in his life. I am so sad for my son because I dont think he will ever know his father. If you are still married I just want to say this, it is hard to break up a marriage and be alone, especially with a child, but it is easier to be alone then to live with a drug addict. They are manipulating, untrustworthy, and selfish when they are using and unless they decide to get help for themselves YOU cant help them. I took my ex to rehab, more then once and I use to drive him to meetings. I did everything I could to try to help him but he was not ready to get the help and now he is in jail. I would love to talk more with you and maybe we can support each other. Please keep your head up and just know that all your love will never be enought for your husband if he is not ready to help himself.

I'm a recovering addict (clean almost 2 yrs now) and suddenly find myself fighting new addictions...things I never had a problem with in the past. Pain medicine was always my poison. I've been to in-patient treatment & haven't taken any pills since. I'm a stay at home mom of a 1 yr old.  I feel lucky to be able to not work right now & spend time with baby. Other than the stresses of motherhood & household chores life should be good. However.....I find myself increasingly dependent on other "stuff"  I drink beer too often (3 or 4 times a week) to wind down in the evening while I cook supper. I've always been a smoker, but nothing like this. I could smoke a pack & 1/2 a day easily. I compulsively drink coffee all day long, even when I really don't want it.  On top of all that, I keep putting more & more weight on from eating compulsively. Everyone tells me I'm not fat, but I weigh more than I ever have.

I've been trying for months now to control my increasing bad behaviors & my constant failure is making me so depressed. I feel stuck in a rut.

I've been thinking for a long time now that as long as I'm not taking pills anymore and living through that nightmare that the rest of life will be a piece of cake. Wrong.

I'd really love to hear from anyone who shares this experience and can tell me how they got out of it. If I don't do something soon I'm going to find myself in the same sinking ship I was in before....especially with the alcohol.

Thanks for any support!!

 

In case no one has done this for you, I wanted to reach out and pat you on the back!  Your decision to divorce your husband can't have been easy and it's very positive that you took this step so quickly!  Many don't.

 

I have a couple other comments, but first a question.  When does your ex get out of prison and do you still live in the same town he does?

 

It just makes it easier to respond knowing this.

 

Hi there.  You sound like an awesome person stuck in a miserable situation. 

 

If I were you, I'd step away from the situation and do some major self-evaluation (hopefully with the help of counseling or a support group like Narc Anon). 

 

I say this because you are exhibiting co-dependent traits.  You say you love this woman and can't live without her...but have you ever stopped to wonder why?   She's using her kids as a pawn (which I consider extreme mental cruely) and also to make you feel bad, she's manipulating everyone around her, and she's still in touch with an ex who supplies her with drugs.  

 

You need to figure out asap why you think you deserve so little!  She doesn't even sound likeable, let alone lovable. 

 

Even though I suspect you won't want to hear this, a support group like Al Anon or Narc Anon would be so tremendously useful to you.  Not only do these folks know exactly what you're going through (it isn't as unusual as you think), but they know what steps to take to resolve the situation.  It's a free gift and it's out there if you want it.

 

You deserve a lot more and it's out there for you, but you do have to take that first step.  Friends and family can be wonderful, but if they haven't lived with and loved an addict, there are aspects of your situation they'll never grasp.

 

Those of us who've been there get it. 

Hi all. I'm Denise and I just recently have come to terms with the fact that I'm an internet addict. This has been going on since I was 18 and in college. I got online once and I've been hooked since. Now almost 9 years later, I have access at home and I'm on from the time I get out of bed til the time I get back in at night. It has affected my daily living skills; I don't take good care of myself, I rarely go out, and the only exercise I get is going to the mailbox. OK. I've admitted I've got a problem. Now what?

 

Denise

I have been there too. For me my cycle was: drugs, alcohol, food, alcohol. I just kept on trading one thing for the other. It sounds like you have identified the problems for yourself. Thats good! Now here comes the work. Most addictive people do theese things to get some kind of releif. After repeatedly giving in, It has become a habit of instant gratification. What helped me to just start to change was stepping outside of my own thought process. When I do that I have feelings that come to surface. Feelings are okay to have. There is no vaccine to get rid of them! When the focus becomes you, not the objects that are bothering you, that is when changes can happen. The cycle is a pattern that may even be unconcious as to why it happens. The best thing to do is find a local Narcotics Anonymous group, AA, or OA (over-eaters anony), because each program will teach you the same set of principles to overcome this. They will not turn you away becuase you are not alcoholic enough or eating enough, there is no way or reason for them to measure that. It is you that has to decide, with the help of someone else in those groups you can change the pattern. The AA central office where I live has info. on NA and OA, too, so try giving them a call for a meeting schedule. I wish you the best, don't get discouraged, you CAN do it.

Of course it is not what i need to here but it is coming from somebody that has no direct ties to me, and that has made it sink in more. I believe now tha her mom is still enabling her  and i cant win the battle anymore. I think i have decided to give up. I feel sorry for the kids and i hate to see her kill herself but there is nothing else i can do. Guil will get me later but i will deal with it. Thanks for listening and everything you wrote to me it meant alot.

victory sometimes the hardest things we ever have to do in life willbe the hardest.

If detaching from your wife may be the wake up call she needs.

Take care of yourself and let those kids know you are available to them if they need an uderstanding ear.

If her mom is still enabling her, it is devastingly sad to think that by enabling her she is loving her, there is more truth in the words "I love you to death" than some people realize.

I check in on the boards so feel free to post if you need an undestanding ear.

Sadly there is no magic remedy to cure addicts.

Addicts first have to honestly recoginze a problem, and reach into themselves to that place were living is paramount.

Your wife has given control to an addiction, and addictions have no love, no respect, no compassion. An addiction can not be reasoned with or pleaded with. It is a terrible terrible thing, and only your wife can come to a place were she makes a decision to take back her power.

Take care of your self hun, you deserve to be happy, life is not a dress rehersal, and if you feel that there is nothing that you can do to help your wife, sacrificing your life for an addiction is not only not fair it is wrong.

I wish you much happiness and am sending you and those kids a healing hug.

Hugs

Tammy