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Topic : Addiction Support

Number of Replies: 1935
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 08:56:39 am
Author : dataimport

Are you or someone else you love addicted to something unhealthy? Whether it's food, alcohol, drugs, painkillers, sex, pornography, or something else, find support here.

 

If you believe you need immediate assistance, please call your local emergency number or crisis hotline listed in your local phone book's government pages. You can also find more help on our General and Mental Health Resources page.


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July 28, 2005, 8:36 am CDT

Addiction Support

Quote From: mischif12

.....to being and alcoholic and an addict for 30 years I am also severely codependant. I have been sober now for ten months today, but the codependancy issues are really kicking my behind. I do my best to set boundaries with my husband who is still in his disease but it's hard and not good for my sobriety to wake up and find beer cans all over the house. Don't get me wrong I am no better than he is and 10 months ago I was a lot worse but it seems that the longer I am sober the more he drinks. We haven't had sex in 4 years and I am truely considering divorce. I am only here right now because AA teaches not to make in any major changes in the first year and they haven't steered me wrong yet. You know the stronger I get the more threatened he becomes. He is truely a functional alcoholic in that he gets up every morning goes to work and pulls down 6 figures. He only drinks at night after work and he's not violent or abusive in the physical sense of the word. He can be verbal at times but general he keeps to himself in true alcoholic fashion. I am working with my therapist on the codependancy issues and it's helping but it's going so slow. I guess I' m just a little down today. I'm usually very up and ready to help whenever I'm needed but right now I just need a little encouragement.

 

Mischif

Hi mischif!  I'll be happy to try to encourage you. :)

 

First, I didn't realize your hubby has this problem.  I can't imagine being in early sobriety and finding beer cans all over the house.

 

But here's the deal.  You are working such a solid program, and I can tell by your posts that you're benefitting from it.  So don't let anything or anybody take that away from you.  In fact, they can't -- it's all yours!

 

Since you're more involved with AA than I am at this point, I'm sure you already know what I'm about to say.  But problems between spouses when one gets sober are endemic -- regardless of whether the other spouse has a problem himself or not.  Part of it is the sober person suddenly seeing the spouse with clear eyes.  Part of it is the spouse suddenly seeing what the sober person is like when they're not drinking.   And suddenly people are confronted with issues they didn't even know existed.

 

The one thing I can assure you of is, with more and more sobriety, things become clear and take care of themselves in a way you can't even envision right now.   It's hard to explain, so I won't even try.  But you are slowly and steadily earning the right to celebrate yourself.  From what I can tell, you have a great career and have been given a second chance.  You're doing what you have to do to stay sober every day, and you're reaching out to help others.  Hang on to that! 

 

The issues with your hubby are serious and will need to be addressed.  But your sobriety gives you the power to address them on your timetable.   

 

PS - I agree about AA not "steering us wrong" and I, too, would definitely advise against making any major moves.  But AA also has some strong words about "slippery people and places".  If at any time you decide that these beer cans lying around are an actual threat to your sobriety, I would think that situation would trump the "major change" advice in a heartbeat. 

 

I really think, based on what I've read from you, that you are doing everything right.  So my prescription is for you to do something nice for yourself today.  You've earned it.  And just keep taking those small steps.  The rewards are enormous, even when those inevitable bumps in the road pop up.

 

 
July 28, 2005, 10:38 am CDT

Congradulations.

Congradulations to all that are sober alcoholics and clean addicts.Me and my wife are sober alcoholics and it took my wife a terrible case of DT`s to finally sober up and we are recovering together.Sometimes two married alcoholics one sober and one practicing has to tell the other to get help and sober or were getting divorced.My sobriety was living hell before my wife got sober and now our marriage is the best its been in our 17 years of marriage and drinking.I would not trade my sobrieties worst moments for drinkings best moments.The sober life is life at last.

God bless all.

Steven.

 
July 28, 2005, 1:52 pm CDT

Daughter in Jail

Which is relatively very good news for me as her mother. My daughter is 24 yrs. old and has been shooting up drugs for a couple yrs. now. She has been in 5 rehabs, 3 halfway houses and detoxed in hospitals numerous times. Her latest doc was shooting up what they call "scramblers" in Baltimore city, which consists of heroin, cocaine and amphetamines. She had reached the point of doing anything and everything necessary to keep scoring.

I've been in recovery for quite a while now but find my knowledge and experience fairly useless when it comes to my daughter. There is only alanon in the area that I live in and though I attend meetings, there aren't any people who have gone through seeing an adult child go to the depths that my daughter has. I sure could use some advice/support on this.

 
July 30, 2005, 4:06 pm CDT

Hi Indian

 Thanks for your reply. It set just the right tone. I was just really down last week. Maybe it's because I was having my monthly. My therapist told me that's it's not unusual to feel depressed right when a lot of good things start happening. It's part of the recovery process. It's kind of like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. But I'm feeling much better today. Had breakfast with my sponsor and just talked about a lot of stuff. I know that I can't change the fact of my husband'd drinking so it's one of those things I can't change that must be accepted. It sure would be a lot easier if he were a bum who couldn't hold a job. Or if he was a cheater because then I cold just kick him out. However he has a very litigious mind and a divorce would be gruesome to say the least. He tells me he loves me all the time but we share no intimacy and that's the hardest thing of all. Well I've got to get going for now. I'm going to do popcorn and a movie with my son tonight - maybe the hubby with join us but I doubt it!

 

Peace and God Bless

 

mischif

 
August 1, 2005, 12:13 pm CDT

Mic

That was supposed to say mischif but it wouldn't let me correct it.

 

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that! 

 

Now if we can just hear from a couple of others! 

 

I'm having a bit of trouble navigating at the moment, but getting here wasn't a problem, hopefully they'll at least be able to check in.

 
August 2, 2005, 5:54 am CDT

Indian

I know what you mean. I hope the gang finds their way here. I'm not sure I like this new board. But's it's one of those changes I'm going to have to accept. I have had a couple of direct e-mails from Dopigirl and she seams to be doing ok. The others I haven't heard from. Like you I hope they will find their way here but with the board down maybe they got off the board and went to a meeting. One can only hope! I found out Sunday that my dad has colon cancer and will be undergoing surgery in the next 30 days to remove 10 to 15 inches of his colon. I'm still processing this info. I've had such ambivilant feelings about my parents for so long. It's not that I don't love them but I did sort of have the childhood from hell. Anyway I am praying hard right now and hope for the best. Hope you are doing well.

 

Peace and God bless

Mischif

 
August 2, 2005, 6:02 am CDT

You are not alone!

Quote From: kinsong

It is nice to see others who are dealing with the same issue although I would wish this on no one.  It is difficult because outside of my family no one knows what is going on.  I have to go to work each day and smile while I want to scream and  cry.  My husband is great he supports me.  It  is hard to know what is the right thing to do when you love the person but I do not want my life destroyed by the process.  How much and how long should support be giving.

I would really encourage you to attend Alanon or Coda meetings. Often they are going on all around you and you just don't know it. Call the General Service Office of the AA near you they will steer you in the right direction. In these meetigs you will meet people who know exactly how you feel but it's more than just a place to vent. It's a place to set aside your co-dependant traits and gain new tools for living. You can't wish or force your loved one sober but you can learn how to set boundaries and make healthy decisions about your life.

 

Peace and God Bless

 

Mischif

 
August 3, 2005, 8:40 am CDT

My Nephew is addicted to drugs....no where to go for help!

My nephew is an addict...he's in his early 20's and has been on drugs since he was about 12 years old!  I have e-mailed the Dr. Phil show but, I'm afraid it may be too late by the time I get any response!  My sister is just totally heartbroken over this!   She has tried everything you can imagine to help him!  But, the laws in one of the provinces of Canada where she lives is totally NOT helping in any way!  Child protective agengies have been to her home when he was younger and had the nerve to tell her to "chill out, it's just pot"!  Nothing would be done about his drug addiction.  Later on, she's had to call police to her house for his violence, then again an ambulance because he was overdosing, and recently she went to get a legal paper from the lawyer to have him admitted to the hospital as he is a threat to himself after he said he was going to kill himself!  That didn't help since the doctors assessed him, and since after 24 hours he knew his name, they had to let him go!  Within minutes the police picked him up as they found him crying and confused in front of the hospital!  He was brought back and then released again!  See, in this province you can not in any way force a person to get treatment!  It's crazy!  Since his last overdose, he is not himself...he's confused, says things out of the blue that has nothing to do with what's going on at the moment, it's like he's on drugs without taking them!  My sister is afraid he has permenantly damaged his brain and this is something she can't accept!  This is her son!  Everyone, police, doctors and all say "it will take a miracle for him to get clean" and that there are not many options for him...1-he'll kill himself, 2-he'll overdose and die or 3-a miracle happens and he gets clean!  It's horrible!  I wish I could contact Dr. Phil as right now there is nothing left for my sister to do for her son, and all she can do is see him get worse and die!  It's not right!  Where can we get help for him when even the law is against you to help him?  What is left?  Where can my sister turn to for help?  She's getting very depressed herself and can't handle much more!  I talk to her every night, I listen and try to give her some kind of advice or somethinng positive but I just don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to do to help either!  Is there a way to contact Dr. Phil by phone?  I feel that if something isn't done NOW, it won't be long and we will be seeing my nephew in a casket!  Please help, in any way, even advice, anything....

 

Laura

 
August 3, 2005, 12:46 pm CDT

laura

Hi!  I'm sorry you all are going through this.

 

I don't know anything about the laws in Canada.  Just for grins, I plugged "Canada" and drug treatment options into google and I got over 3 million links!  Are you sure your sister has thoroughly researched the possibilities?  I'm sure this isn't the case, but it almost sounds like she's waiting for Dr. Phil to step in and help, which isn't much of a plan.

 

Here in the US, if I was in your sister's situation, I would try another mental health professional asap.  The purpose of this wouldn't be to talk him into rehab - it would be to asses his mental status to see if he's even capable of making decisions for himself.   If the first shrink he saw failed to grasp the situation, I'd simply find a new one.  If it appears that he's not mentally competent, there are legal steps (again, I'm talking in the US) that a relative can take on that person's behalf to position themselves so that they can get him properly evaluated on an inpatient basis. 

 

If, on the other hand, he's a legal adult who is oriented and alert, but simply refuses to give up drugs and refuses to go to rehab, unfortunately there's very little that can be done.  That is also true in the US since, as you say, rehab facilities allow patients to come and go as they please. 

 

Other than that, I don't know what to say, but I find it hard to believe, if he's really that messed up, that your sister doesn't have options and legal protections she can tap into.  Has she thought of consulting an attorney?  At this point, from what you've said, his mental competence sounds like a more urgent issue than anything else. 

 
August 3, 2005, 3:56 pm CDT

Alcoholic Husband

Quote From: the_indian

Hi!  Just so you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic and also grew up with 2 raging alcoholic parents, so I've more or less seen this issue from all sides.

 

A lot of what you said reminded me of myself.  So I'll mention a couple of things.

 

First, don't be so hard on yourself.  As you clearly realize, you've been enabling your fiance all over the place, to the point where it puts yourself and your employment at risk.   It's unfortunate, but enabling comes naturally to most of us who think of ourselves as "good" people.  Why wouldn't we want to "help"?? 

 

The problem is that enabling is very destructive to the alcoholic.  Us alcoholics tend to look at the results of our drinking in terms of "well, I still have.....".  And as long as someone is sticking around helping us hang on and avoid consequences, (as in leaving work to pick him up from a DUI), that person is not only hurting him/herself, but is hurting the alcoholic even more.   An alcoholic NEEDS the consequences to hit his/her bottom.

 

The other thing that reminded me of myself is this: In spite of all the therapy and meetings and research, I can tell that  you're still struggling with the notion that there has to be something left for you to do.  There has to be some combination of right words or actions that will make him sit up and see the light.  Simply put, there isn't.  You cannot control his disease.

 

Finally, like me, you're on information overload.  While education is certainly useful as part of a healing process, it can actually become a negative and you end up with "paralysis by analysis."   And when that happens, people can stall out. 

 

So I guess my only real advice is that you simplify things.  Stop reading and researching.  If your therapist isn't holding you accountable for acting on your knowledge, stop with the therapist.  I do think Al Anon can be helpful in cases like yours.  But set simple goals (ie, by this weekend I will have kicked him out), do not negotiate your boundaries with your fiance, and above all, be good to yourself. 

Thank you for such a great post.  My husband has been alcoholic for over 20 years.  8 Aug 05 he gets released from prison for DUI.  I too have felt like there should be something more that I could do or say.  By the grace of God I now know that I can't do anything that my husband doesn't want to do himself.  I won't say it will be easy but I have already stated my boundaries clearly to him and WILL NOT negotiate with him.  I don't mean it to say it's my way or the highway but in a nutshell that's pretty much what it is.  I can't live like this anymore, waiting on the other shoe to drop.  More importantly I can't raise our son in this environment anymore.  I am worthy of dignity and respect and I am no longer the enabler I was when we married.  Time will tell if he will stay sober :)
 
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