Topic : 05/30 Ask the Authors

 Hope this does not sound like male bashing "but" :  My spouse was severly injured 24 years ago

I learned to manage the house, school, a job and provide care for him all this time.  I  have often said that if it were the other way around , he would not have been able to manage.  "Some" men do not seem to have the dedication or wear-with-all to deal with multiple major life problems.  The man on the program today, Sal, focused on his losses and was not able to put himself in his wife's place.  Disability is a family matter.  Education is needed, as mentioned.  Empathy must be learned along with healthy coping skills. I agree with this writer.  That couple needs a support group with others dealing with MS.  The feeling of isolation  for both individuals can be overwhelming. If none available in their area I am sure their local hospital or checking the internet could provide  info where to get help.  I had to start  a group for TBI to have  peer support and the national association sent help to get organized.  Also seeking a deeper meaning to life helps to give satisfaction when things don't go by the book. Faith in God gives hope and strength and new meaning to life and love.

Dr. Phil, I have not had the chance to read the book you talked about on your show today, June 30th (Wednesday).  I can say, I was one child that knew the importance of my mother. I was called a mother's girl. My mother was, yes was, she passed on March 2000. She raised six children all alone. No father really stepped in to help with support. I watch my mother do without a lot of things for herself. Just so her children would have. We didn't have much, but I knew my mother loved us. I knew she was doing the best she could for us. I also knew she was doing her best to keep the children together and it was hard for her. As I got older, I was always there for my mother. I felt appreciated for the way she was always there for us. She had so much love for everyone. She put everyone ahead of her needs. I do mean everyone! We would always call each every Saturday. We would race to see who would call first. We were not only mother and daughter, but also best friends. When she really got so sick she didn't want to live. She talk to me and wanted to know how I felt. Selfishly, I didn't want her to died, but another part of me that loved her didn't want her to suffer anymore.  She wanted my ok, to let her go! I did!

I will say, I didn't want to deal with my grief and had to see a grief Counselor.

Glad to hear about the book! It brought me to tears , but believe me they were of joy. Joy of the love and the life that I shared with my Mother. It is so important to appreciate and celebrate your mom while they are alive. If you didn't, remember the good times you did have.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my story............

I have MS and was diagnosed 18 years ago.  I have read and continue to read about new research and findings.  One of the best things I read was "muscle memory fatigue."  That discribed what happens to me so well.  Sometimes cognitive names help me put words to my experiences.  I think I can walk for ever like I always did.  I stand at the driveway thinking I can go 5 miles, a minute later I look as if I am coming home after 5 miles.  Then I force myself to walk half a block.  I was also told 3 stressers and you can bet within 3 weeks you will have a progression of symptoms.  The first I count is fatigue, pain and then add heat or a problem that to some one else maybe small, but hudge for you and then you are working toward physical problems.  Another great way to discribe the wierd feelings in side the body is as if I am leaning on a running refrigerator.

But When I wake up I make the best decision I can for that day. I have learned to enjoy.  I wake up planning what I will enjoy that day.  I pick things that are the greatest for me.  Sometimes reading.  When holding a book became painful, I got audio books.  I can't walk, but take my motorized wheelchair for long rides and enjoy the places I see.  I play with my dog and birds.  My husband and I found things we can do with my disabilites.  We canoe, electric bike and he walks and I roll.  We go places in our RV and visit with friends.  We learned Sign Language and when I can't find words, I sign.  I love life and a wait the next adventure.  I hope you can as well.  Check out the National MS Society site.  It offers many stories and helpful ways to live and enclude the family.

Ask Author Doctor Phil The. Are you kidding me/ I donot know how to ask the author at all. I donot do that at all unless they ask me first then I will ask Author The what question that I like to ask.---

See you tomorrow Afternoon. Sincerley Your. Russell

When I heard that Dr. Phil was doing a show about MS I left work early and got home just in time to see the show. 

I thought it was a good show, but wish the whole hour could have been dedicated to MS with a variety of people who have so many of the different symptoms that come with this disease.  The show was definitely reality based - and confirmed why I've always said that, no matter what, I would always want to be the one that "got something" as I think it's a hell of a lot worse for our spouses/partners to watch us, not really knowing how we feel, and I know it has to be so frustrating.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband who will always stand by me and support me through this life of ours, I just wish I could let him know that sometimes when I LOOK uncomfortable, it's not necessarily true that I am TERRIBLY uncomfortable. But I'm not going to live my life hiding things - they are what they are, and I am so appreciative of having the wonderful, caring husband that I do.

In his line of work he has seen many, many patients w/MS - more cases than I will ever see - so he is obviously more concerned about what might be, and I wish he didn't have that. I KNOW what "can be" but I'm also positive proof of "what it IS and can be" and I've had MS for more than 20 years now.  You wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me and someone as young as Nicole on the show.

I just feel very frustrated knowing that people are worried about me, when, in my head, I think I'm pretty positive and I really (touch wood) don't have too much to complain about. Well I do have sensory stuff and pain, but I can do everything I want to do and more than many people who don't have any medical problems!

Anyway, I'm glad I got home in time to watch the show and get it recorded. Perhaps if more of us post on this site, we may see a full hour devoted to MS!

I have only just watched the beginning clip of today's show, and already my head is about to explode.  Here's a little something for Sal to chew on:  Dana and Christopher Reeve.  THAT is love and devotion.  YOU Sal are a selfish pr*ck, and you do not deserve Nicole, nor anyone else in marriage, because you do not know what devoting yourself to someone means. 

When my husband and I married, I was a different person.  A few years into it, I realized something was wrong, and eventually we found out I have what's called Myasthenia Gravis, which is a form of MD.  I have nowhere near the energy or physical strength I used to have, and haven't worked in over 2 years.  My husband is the most loving, giving and selfless person I have ever known, and he has been wonderful.  It's been hard in every way imaginable, yet we push on.  I don't understand why some people take the traditional vows in marriage, because they are obviously just parroting words without knowing their true meaning.  Nicole, as much as Sal feels he got the short end of the stick, YOU are the one who got a lemon, and you should trade him in for a better model. 

i realize my husband and i are older than the couple  (she has MS) featured on dr. phil, but the concept of commitment should be the same.
i was diagnosed with MS and I offered my husband an "out" and told him he "didn't sign on for this" , and he stopped me short and told me that  he certainly DID sign on for this when he took his marriage vows. 
i also have 13 steps to the laundry room and my HUSBAND works all day at 60 years of age and comes home and does ALL the laundry so i won't have to struggle with the 13 steps!!!
i would love to sit across from this young man and explain to him that he can be a MAN and nut up to this  challange and be a better person for it!!
why me?  why the hell NOT ME!!!  i'm not exempt and nither is he.

phyllis touchstone 54, disabled, difficulty walking, fatter than i used to be, sexual difficulties, have to cath myself to pee AND happy!  because i decide to be.

thank you

As i watched today's show my emotions got the best of me and I cryed for the lady with MS. I have MS and my wife is my greatest support system so I was shocked at her husbands attitude about her disease. She did not pick MS but she will live with it everyday of her life so he needs to get over it and support her and help with every aspect of their lives. Because of my wife I have a great MS doctor and we live a very normal life. I know about the things that I can't do anymore so I concentrate on the things that I can do. I work out every night and have lost 150 lbs and now if I was to become disabled she will have a easier time trying to handle me. So when I saw his attitude towards her I cryed because I have such a wonderful and loving wife but I still know how hard it would be to go through this by myself. What they really need is to talk to some people who have been there and can tell them what support means in a case like this.

I am a mother of three who knows the damage it can do to a person when they live their life with regret over a moment with a loved one who has passed.  My former husband lost his mother tragically in a car accident when he was 18 years old.  I know that he suffered many years with regret about the last time he and his mother spoke.  They argued when she asked him to clean his room.  At the time, neither of them knew this was to be the last time they spoke, but it was, and he held that regret for many years, if he doesn't still.  He suffers from manic depression and I often wondered what impact that had on the progression of his illness.

Knowing this, I've frequently told my children that they are not to feel any guilt if I were to die at a time when we may have be in dissagreement.  I've told them that I have worked very hard to give them a good life and that one of the most important wishes I could have for them is for them to find happiness in their lives.  I remind them that mommy would never want a moment in time between us to be the defining moment just because it fell on the heels of my death.  We always say I love you to each other; at the end of every phone conversation, at every departing, at every bedtime.  Sure there have been a few times when the "I love you" doesn't make it out, but that is a rarety.  I know some people will say that the "I love you" loses its meaning when said so much, but I disagree.  I mean it every time I tell them and they know it. 

With respect to Dana and Whitney I have two points to make in response to the following line said on the show"

Dana is bothered because Whitney disobeys her curfew most of the time and uses her cell phone carelessly. "The last month’s cell phone bill was $453.00.

I have simple solutions to those two problems.  If the cell phone bill is so high and the use of the phone is not respected, I would remove the phone from my child's possession.  Very simple, yet I'm certain, very effective.  Sure, she is likely to have a tantrum, but if you just keep your calm and say, "Well, I'm sorry dear but you left mommy no choice".   Or, "Darling, the reason you don't have the phone is because of your own actions, you only have yourself to blame for not having it, so don't yell at mommy".   Advise her that she can have the phone back after a period of time, when she is willing to respect the usage of it.   With respect to curfew; if my child was not coming home when she was supposed to be, then I would go out and get her.  Chances are, that the embarrassement of having your mother come to pick you up will cure that problem.  If you don't know where your daughter is, at that age, you should. 

My children are not perfect, but I know that the way I respond to their mistakes or behavioural issues will define them in so many ways.  I am not perfect, but I know that if I make a mistake, I should tell the child my realization, explain my feelings about the situation and apologize (I always need spell check for that word).

Finally, I have not read any of Mitch Ablom's books (I hope I have the spelling correct) but my oldest daughter has read Tuesdays with Moray and may have read the prelude.  She raves about it all the time.  She tells me she wants to rent the video and watch it with me.  I hope to read all three books someday.