and I have a handful of other disorders as well. Schizo-affective Disorder, Agoraphobia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD ( that I have had since I was a child along with the PT-SD ) Severe Depression, and Severe Anxiety.
Needless to say life is a mess for me right now. Not to mention the fact that I am a rapid cycler. I normally post on the Depression boards, I have alot of friends there that I love to pieces and one in particular that I email, but I thought I would check out your side of the woods for some advice and find out if anyone else was in the same or similar boat as I am.
I was taking 200 mg of Lamictal, 200mg of Topamax, 400mg Vistiral, and 100mg of Seroquel, I was finally starting to feel like I could actually get a hold on this thing until I ended up with a reaction to the Lamictal. Then we had to start all over. Now I am off of the Lamictal and up to 300mg of the Seroquel and they are slowly working it up to 500mg.
No more control, more panic attacks that seem 10 times worse because now I know how it feels to go without one for more than a week at a time. I have to make myself get in the car to go to the Dr's for my appointments again. I am loosing sleep again. I did not get to bed last night until 3am and I only slept till 5:30 when my son woke up ( he is 2 ). I know that some of you might say lay down and try anyway, but I can't because it causes migraines when I try to force sleep. So my shrink told me to take my Seroquel at night ( it makes you really sleepy most of the time ) and just go to bed when I think I can sleep on nights like these.
I get so nervous sometimes I can't sit still, and I can't seem to get anything finished to save my life. Not to mention concentrate on anything! My hubby bought me the new Harry Potter book to try and make me feel better and normally I would not be able to put it down, but I can't even seem to turn the pages to read it. I love to read these books with my nieces and nephews, and I can't. One of my favorite hobbies is painting and I can't even paint right now, all of my paints are up, I am just in this rut and it is slowly filling up with quicksand ready to suck me under.
And I am so angry. I am angry that I can't have a normal life, I am angry that my childhood was a nightmare because of adults who had nothing better to do then abuse a child who could not control her ADHD. Who smiled when they "accidentally" hit her with the wrong end of the belt in the middle of her back. Or the times the split my lip, or threw shoes at her, or switched her until her legs had cuts on them. I need to let this go, but I can't. The fact that they act so smug and they try to take credit for who I am inflames my temper to the boiling point. I am who I am because I survived them, not because they beat me into a good person. I have some of my problems because of what they did to me and that is all they can take credit for, but that they won't touch.
I need your help. I don't want to take Lithium if I don't have to but that is the next step if the Seroquel does not work, and so far it isn't. Do any of you have any type of relaxation techniques
that work for you or even breathing techniques? I am doing my psycho therapy with my therapist, I am keeping a journal and writing poetry, I am exercising, and I am taking my meds. What else can I do? Am I just stuck here? Cause the only option that worked so far is gone, I can't take it anymore.
If I can't get this circus I call a mind under control, how do I justify raising my son? I mean really?He deserves so much more than what I can give him than cottage cheese for a brain. I love him with every fiber of my being, I never want to see him go through the pain I did growing up. I would die first. What am I going to do if I can't get this under control?
