Quote From: lastlifeFirst time ever posting anything,i wish i had the strength to write and say what i have read of many of you all,most of the time i can't hold a thought long enough to say are ask anything, had no idea what B.P.A.D. stood for, i finally got the strength and nerve to look it up on-line, and also read what the state P,DR. said,... So i guess with being abused all of my childhood and beyond, being suicidal,..Living with the hate of myself,.Punishing myself with physical pain,eating disorders, and who know what else..so it's my fault for becoming Bipolar, that would be my first question...why,...how...did i become this way,...not that i can ever remember having a great life to start with,,, hoping....Lastlife
Hi. I sure do hope you read this message at some point. I typically don't go on the bipolar board but my instincts told me to come here.
I am not a doctor, or a shrink, just a girl that has also had a life that you mentioned you had and I can totally understand why you would feel your childhood has contributed to your bipolar dx. I was very lucky to have had a strong faith in life, despite its disappointments. It takes a very strong mind to survive such a childhood or young adulthood, some of us of better equipped, some of us aren't. There is something that you really got to try to understand, ok? When a person is subjected to abuse, in any way, the mind and the spirit have to take over and protect us. Its a kind of survival of the fittest mode. Having survived, like you did, brought with it some residue of how you felt best to survive at that time.
Lets put the psychobabble away for a second. There is also a possibility that it is a chemical imbalance which is adding fire to this flame, too, ok? Again, the body psysiologically takes matters into its own hands.....just to survive. So digestion becomes out of whack, (eating disorder) brain activity goes into a mode of what is right, what is wrong, and after a while, constant negative feedback, well, the brain then starts to believe what we tell it, and begins the cycle of what you are calling bipolar, I would like to call it the brain taking care of itself to adjust to the constant conflictions. Then something really bad happens, we lose ourselves. We lose the self that was intended for happiness, success, freedom, love. When we lose ourselves, then begins the cycle of making poor choices, doing things "I normally wouldn't do", then comes the beating up....why??????? Because we are angry. We are angry at ourselves because we have failed at surviving. Then that cycle begins.
The only real way out of it is to get the dx, like you did. Good for you. Now that you know what is going on, you can start healing and moving forward in a life that is not necessarily free from suffering, life is suffering, there is no way around that, but self inflicted suffering is a gift for us to see how we are stopping ourselves from having the life that is our right--------but was taken away from us due to circumstances.
You are needed here. We need you here. You are a good person, a loving person, and deserve to be happy, like all of us. You bring with you great compassion and an understanding of human suffering, and we need you to share your story, so that others can also feel free to tell theirs, so that they can move on.
I want to thank you for your honesty and I want to thank you for allowing me to share my story. You are not alone. You can make a difference for many, think about it? Kimi
