Topic : Bipolar Disorder

I wish I knew how to be happy. 

I only get sad & sadder. 

Dyskslemia <sp?> is what I have. 

I get manic lows, I hate them. 

I take a sleep aid and it does not always help me sleep. 

I was recently taken off Topomax because of Glaucoma symptoms. 

It seemed to be a mediator to my other meds. 

I don't feel normal, I don't like myself very much. 

I just mope around and take one day at a time. 

Mary 

My first husband was diagnosed with Bipolar Disease.  His first signs were sleeplessness.  He would sleep a few hours and be up for the day.  He didn't requrie much sleep.  One night he woke up with chest pains and I took him to the hospital.  He was diagnosed with anxiety attacks and he just went down hill after that.  He was later diagnosed with bipolar.  He refused to accept it and would not take medication for it.  Your husband may or may not have bipolar but if he does, there are a lot of good support groups out there.  If he takes his medications, follows the program and sticks to it he will be fine.  If he chooses not to follow through, it will be a rough road for you.  Good Luck and god bless. 

Hi,   

After at least 4 years of battles with ups and downs with depression, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar... Not sure how I feel about it. But I'm glad I now have a name to put to this hell that I've been going through. What I wonder most at this point is how the heck am I suppose to deal with 32 years of pain and old wounds due to things that were said to me throught the years? things that were in relations with my behaviors... as far back as I can remember I've had negative reinforcement... I'm smart enough to know the difference now and understand it... but still.  This whole "internal dialog" that we hear Dr. Phil say... it's easier said than done... 

I'm sure that I'm not the only one going through this, so I hope that we can all support each other though this. 

Simply knowing that I'm not alone and that what lies ahead is a road that's been traveled by others actually soothes the anxiouness a little bit. 

I want to thank Dr Phil for putting this site up and this board, because here in Québec, Canada... you're on your own and there is little if no support at all for this disorder that affects so many people. 

Again, 

thank you 

Nat 

I am new to this board. I hope I am replying to the above msg.   

I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 1/2 yrs ago, after 2-3 yrs of misery, could not get out of bed, couldnt sleep, crying for hours every day, feeling lost, and such despair, sleeping pill addiction, on and on. 

I now take Lamictal, which is relatively new...it was approved only 6 mos before I was diagnosed.  I also top that off with some Wellbutrin...the cherry on top.  From asking my Dr re Topamax, and researching it on the internet, it seems to have lots more icky side effects than most of the other meds.  I also tried and detested Depacote...I felt like I was stoned all the time.  Plus gained instant 7 inches...EXTRA depressing. 

At least we weren't born 50 yrs ago (like my bipolar grandmother who was diagnosed schizophrenic, and went to bed for 30 yrs....no help for bipolar folks untl lately, really).  Also,  

you simply did not tell ANYONE until really just lately. 

I do tell people.  I tell people because what if someone they care about has this?  And, as a result, I have helped a lot of people.  That feels good.  We have to make ourselves do things that help us 

feel good.  AND, I happen to think that it is important that bipolarity should not remain a stigma, 

or some embarrassing, or shameful thing.  No more than diabetes.  We just got the gene.  Could 

have been a leukemia gene!  Is that shameful?  Nope. 

A really good book, (the author wrote several, "An Unquiet Mind", Kay Jamison (brilliant, off the charts bipolar, and she treated bipolar patients!!)....One quote in that book that helped me so much..."Before you can accept something difficult, you must find something about it to be beautiful". 

I realized that being bipolar had made my life more interesting than "normal" people's (maybe I am rationalizing).  My brilliant diagnosing doctor said to me, upon delivering the dreaded "B" word diagnosis..."You are in very good company."  She referred me to another book by same author: 

"Touched With Fire"...you would not believe how many artists, poets, authors etc..were bipolar. 

Gosh, it was like joining a very exclusive club, really.  If you only go to the book store, and peruse 

the index, you will be amazed at your fellow BP"s. 

So, in a way, I began to believe that it was a kind of gift from God, really.  Thinking in that way has helped me so much.  He made me, made us all....he made us how we are for SOME reason... 

I began to think of it as, in some unknown way, a blessing....it makes us special, really.  It does. 

Lots of people cannot even FEEL their feelings at all, for one thing. 

I also find it so helpful to just surrender every day to a higher power  (I am not an off the charts fundamentalist, ok?  But I DO believe in God / a higher power...even if it is something  within each of us). 

If your sleep aid is Trazadone, well, it helped me FALL asleep, but not stay asleep...only  for about an hour...I had to stop taking it because it  made me so dizzy, i kept falling...during the day!  Not to mention horrible inner ear itching (go figure....goes with the dizzy thing, tho).  AND, not sleeping 

is depressing to the most "normal" amongst us.  That is the suckiest symptom!!!! 

I have a tape (now this sounds ridiculous...but it is called The Law of Allowing...by Abraham Hicks (website).  I have used it for over 2 years.  Something about this woman's voice, on this particular tape (on others she, for me, talks too fast, or something) is hypnotic, or I have trained myself to fall asleep to it.  I find it very helpful to listen to SOMETHING (other than my ruminating thoughts), particularly a soothing voice (ie Clarissa Pinkola Estes also has a very soothing voice).  I wake up sometimes every hr thru the night, but I hit the rewind button, and play it again, and USUALLY go rt back to sleep...  Listening to something else (even get something that is soooooooooooo boring to you....like a CD about statistics, or astrophysics,...something)..keeps our minds (mine, anyway) occupied by something other than our own thoughts.  Works for me, at least. 

As far as "knowing how to be happy"....well, really, I am not so sure that most people know how to be happy.  Content would be good, you know?  On the meds, yes, I definitely missed those exhilarating highs...that SEEMED like "happiness"...I love those.  But then, the lows just took over completely....Now, I feel pretty even, really.  I know what you mean, you dont feel like yourself anymore.  For the longest time, oh my gosh, I felt sooooooooooo boring!!  But, then I weighed that 

against the horrible depression, and boring seemed pretty good.  I think that once we accept where we are...we get to move up a tiny step....just a tiny step higher.   

I like to say "keep your eye on the light".  There is one...there is a light...even when the clouds are the thickest and most gloomy, what is behind the clouds?  A blue sky, a sun, birds...look some time on a cloudy day.  Try to imagine your sadness as being like those clouds.  Behind them, there is light.  It might be a while before you see it, but I think it helps just to KNOW  it.   

Find a really good doctor....the meds are sooooooooo important.  Try the tapes for sleeping.  One 

day at a time is a good thing.  I try to make myself do something physical every day.  Get some Nike shox..they put a spring (literally) in your step, and MAKE YOURSELF walk around the block...even one time for starters.  (first time is the hardest). 

I am telling you things that I MADE MYSELF DO that helped me, starting this past year, when the pit seemed to loom nearby.  I made myself call about 20 girlfriends and make lunch (or something) plans...walking plans, even.  I made myself sign up for salsa classes (sounds corny, but that music is very uplifting!!  Try it, you will be surprised, maybe).  I MADE MYSELF do a lot of things that I had no desire or will or energy to do, because, somewhere inside, I knew that it would fill my heart..fill my heart with love for them, and for myself.. 

The other thing (I need to take my own advice on this)...is to go and volunteer some place...I keep promising myself that I will do this, because I know that it will make a huge dirrerence...I know it, but of course, there is that "stuck" thing....I am sure you know what I mean, right?) 

Baby steps....not just one day at a time, one baby step at a time...call ONE person right now, 

watch a funny video, pray, and just say thank you for giving me this "thing"....I also find that gratitude, 

even for seemingly horrible things, helps us move forward.  What we resist , persists.  It just does. 

Final thought....imagine yourself (the tape I mentioned above mt help) being happy.  See what you are doing...imagine yourself (impossible, rt now, I know,...but TRY) as happy as you can possibly imagine being.  What are you doing?  If it is something you can do, or aim for....take a baby step in 

that direction. 

Sorry to be so long winded.  This is my first post...and I just know so much how horrible it feels to be drowning in misery and depression...like being in a hole, and you cannot get out...and no one understands, or it feels like no one does...very few people actually can really relate.   Like I cannot 

fully relate to my friend who lost her husband last year...I can try, I can feel bad for her, but I have 

no idea what that really feels like.  One reason this message board is very helpful. 

You have to help yourself.  The right medicaiton makes a huge difference, but, really, for me, the thing that has made the biggest difference has been to make myself do stuff...call a friend, clean out a drawer...tidy up a messy area (easy to let everything go to heckl when one is totally depressed....I didnt even want to wash my hair!!) 

I hope I can log back into this board.  I would like to keep up with you....It is so much easier to tell someone else "what to do"....easier than following one's own advice.  I need to do some more of what I have suggested to you above...Thanks for being the reason I needed to think about that. 

I am going to call a friend right now. 

Best to you....and, remember, there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying.  I think it is kind of like 

squeezing the water out of a sopping wet sponge....you just have to squeeze and squeeze, and cry and cry, until it is all dried up. 

Oh, one last thing...don't beat yourself up for being sad, for "moping"...just go right ahead and MOPE as hard and as much as you possibly can!  Enjoy moping...I try now to ENJOY my crying times.  Just let yourself be sad and low....just allow those feelings...but remember the light...and 

call a friend.  And let me know what you did, ok? 

(I sound like Dr Laura, don't  I?  Nope, just an expert on depression, I am quite sad to say. 

Hi, 

What medication has helped you sleep?  I have tried, (I think) everything. 

There is nothing shameful about bipolarity.  When I was first diagnosed, I felt as tho I had a huge 

ugly wart on my face that said "screwed up"!!  Yeah, talking about it (I don't mean obsessively), 

helps.  They say when you let something out into the light (not keep it inside), it has a better 

chance of healing.  Makes the whole thing so much worse...keeping it a secret. 

It is like telling someone you have diabetes....just a genetic thing.  You didn't go do something horrible to get it....nothing to be ashamed of...nothing at all.  Think of it as something that makes 

you special..   

PS....After being diagnosed with it, I have thought a lot about "normal"...I am not so sure that normal 

is even a word that should be allowed to exist!!   What is "normal".  ?  Cannot think of one single 

thing....people do not come standardized.  This just makes you more "interesting"...think of it like that, instead.  Shame, all by itself, is wretched to suffer...let that, at least, go.  Name one single 

"normal" person.  Just try it !!! 

My husband although not diagnosed by a Dr. was Bipolar. I lived with him for 25 and A half years, we had many ups and downs do to his condition, 2 great children and though I tried my best to help him, on June 2, 2005 he committed suicide. We had many talks during the last two years of his life when he finally realized something was wrong, but he would not go for help. My message to you is to continue to accept what ever treatment is out there. You do not want to put your loved ones thru what my husband has put myself, his children, his sister, father and friends  thru. Life is to be lived as best you can, to respect others as you respect  yourself. Always remember YOU ARE SPECIAL and deserve THE BEST LIFE YOU CAN LIVE. 

ELLIE 

   Hi Nat, Mon nom est Lorrie. I live in Quebec also. If you would like, we could start a group here. Let me know your village, mine is St-Hyacinthe. Contact me through e-mail at, ladesigner@sympatico.ca. 

You don't have to be alone. I was dx June 2000. I am sure we can share tricks and info, and of course support. Take care and God Bless. From one Quebecer to another. Lorrie 

In regards to the sleep aids.. LUNESTA was my favorite. but medicade does not cover this medication. So I take TEMAZEPAM 15 mg.. I take it and about 2 to 3 hours later I am ready for sleep. it helps me to at least sleep. literally there were DAYS I would not sleep.  

         I have to reply to NORMAL also.. I have taken meds now that have come close to what others may call a normal person. but I was like a zombie almost. and if that was normal. I don't want it. I lost that "out there person" I am fun, giddy, and feeling. I state things as I see them usually. and have found that with some of the medication I was perscribed it took the inner most me ... away...  

I stated to a normal. meaning. not so down, that I just waste days away. I want to be able to hold a job. to leave my home. to handle a productive life. but I have found I will go day by day by day..sometimes sitting in the same place. just exisisting.. and that is very hard for me to handle.. I want that type of normal.. that I would be a productive lady on this earth..  There were insodinces in my life. that overwhelmed me, and I snapped. and haven't gotten back on track since.  

But can I name one person Normal.. DR> PHIL and ROBIN<, closest to normal I can say.. even against all odds, they have made something of themselves. THey can laugh at themselves. they can handle the kids moving away. they have goals. they believe in each other. Maybe I put them on a pedistal. but I try not to.. It is just feeling proud of them, the hope they give to others.. that it can be done. Love the honesty they put out..  

Hi, I just finished reading your post. I agree with you that sometimes people share the small stuff because they are overloaded with talking all the time about having no energy, no desire, no sense of organization, defeating thoughts, and ofcourse the lack of public knowledge concerning our desease. I have had BP since June 2000. I have had many ups and downs, and have been hospitalized on 6 occassions (always for mania). If you would like, I would be more than happy to share what I have learned, how I deal and what I am still learning. Let me know and I will give you my e-mail. Take care and God Bless. Lorrie