Topic : Bipolar Disorder

I have been sitting here reading some of these messages and I am so scared for my children. Sometimes I can be on this computer for all day trying to understand this illness and I just get more and more confused. I am learning eveyone is so different and this illness is complex to say the least. I feel like I am going crazy my self. I lost a daughter to suicide 3-16-2004.  She struggled every day from this illness and she would go on and off of meds since she was 13 yrs old. She finally gave up when she was 23 yrs old. She was so tired and worn out. I understand how treatment sometimes doesn't help. I have a fiftheen yr old son who is currently in residential now for the second time. He went when he was 9 yrs old and they had him on so many different meds that he was almost  a walking dead person. They misdiagnosed him so many times. This time he in the beginning of  Dec, 2005 he poured gas on himself and was going to set himself on fire. He is very angry and mean and has been all his life. They now say his primary problem is Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Unspecified,  Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder NOS, this is a secondary problem, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, secondary also, and Bipolar 1 secondary too. ALL THIS SCARES ME! I really don't want to bury another child. Sometime when I see my son I am scared of what I say and do. It seems like he thinks eveything is my fault. My son who is 23 yrs old right now is currently in jail. He medicates himself with street drugs. 2 weeks ago he called me and told me he was wanting to cut himself (he does this quite often) I talked him thru it this time. He is also very sucidal and won't go get help. I dont' like feeling better when I know one of my children are in jail or treatment because I know they are safe. Its a hard way to live. I also have a 18 yr old who is a senior in high school. He excels in baseball. He has been diagnosed with mild bipolar in Dec. 2004. He wanted to commit suicide and be with his sister. They put him on Lexapro and Depakote. He got off these meds 6 months ago and was doing fine until the problems with his brothers started again. He asked me if I could try to get him back on meds again. I am calling the doctor as soon as the open. He does alot better when he is playing baseball off season is hard on him. He is looking into a college that plays all year round. As you can tell it seems like bipolar hits people is so many different ways and there is so much to understand. I feel like I am trying 24 hrs a day trying to keep my children ALIVE! If somebody can help with some information It would be very much appretiated. 

I do empathize with you and I can feel your pain in what you write.  It is a struggle and overwhelming...as you already know.  My youngest daughter "attempted" suicide...the only thing that saved her was the fact that she needed to take far more pills than what she had taken...even though she took it all.  I did find her note...my heart was never so heavy.  I thank God...I found her when I did.  I only have two children with nearly identical problems...I don't know how I made it...I kept saying one day, one moment at a time and never look back...never size it up...just do what you can then.  I really wish I had this great advice for you...because your message is sooooo painful.  My heart goes out for what you have been through and what you will go through.  You know anytime they make a threat...never take it lightly...encourage medications...neither of mine will take medications either and they don't want to hear it.  Being supportive...your son going to college...keep encouraging him and compliment whenever warranted.  Even when they (including me) get older it helps that self-esteem to hear the positive.  Always be truthful in the positive statement...because they know if you're only saying it and not really meaning it.  The biggest thing...if you don't already have a "doc" for yourself...you have gone through a lot and they will give you tools and ideas to help you through all of this.  Do remember this....when you know you've down all you could do...you can't do anymore...and it is NOT your fault...for what they choose to do.  Good Luck....Rhonda   

I do empathize with you and I can feel your pain in what you write.  It is a struggle and overwhelming...as you already know.  My youngest daughter "attempted" suicide...the only thing that saved her was the fact that she needed to take far more pills than what she had taken...even though she took it all.  I did find her note...my heart was never so heavy.  I thank God...I found her when I did.  I only have two children with nearly identical problems...I don't know how I made it...I kept saying one day, one moment at a time and never look back...never size it up...just do what you can then.  I really wish I had this great advice for you...because your message is sooooo painful.  My heart goes out for what you have been through and what you will go through.  You know anytime they make a threat...never take it lightly...encourage medications...neither of mine will take medications either and they don't want to hear it.  Being supportive...your son going to college...keep encouraging him and compliment whenever warranted.  Even when they (including me) get older it helps that self-esteem to hear the positive.  Always be truthful in the positive statement...because they know if you're only saying it and not really meaning it.  The biggest thing...if you don't already have a "doc" for yourself...you have gone through a lot and they will give you tools and ideas to help you through all of this.  Do remember this....when you know you've down all you could do...you can't do anymore...and it is NOT your fault...for what they choose to do.  Good Luck....Rhonda   

Your welcome...you are right about when someone understands what you are feeling.  Before the world of computers of message boards and computers...and when my oldest was 10...that was 17 years ago...I felt sooooooo alone...I thought I was the only one in that predicament.  Message boards are the best invention after buttered bread. ;-) 

One person, lostgirl, talks about journaling and how it helps.  Since, I've been writing on this message board...I can see where it helps.  This is a great board and a lot of people have really good input.  good luck and l look forward to talking to your again...Rhonda