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March 31, 2006, 9:09 am PST
Please Help Me Understand
Hi, I need help so bad. I yell, scream, curse, shout and feel like I'm going crazy all the time and I don't know why or who to talk to or who to see. I feel no one is willing to help and that i'm all alone. All my life I've been depressed about something. Either my weight, my emotional problems, my family problems, just life in general made me depressed. I was teased all my life, told I was fat, stupid, ugly and that I would never amount to anything and its come true. I was phyiscally, emotionally, and mentally abused by my family, peers and even some who didn't even know me. I was also sexually abuse by a man who lived across the alleyway of my childhood home for nearly 5 years as a child and nothing was ever done to him. So from all of my childhood drama has made me not very strong person mentally and I tend to blow up and take my anger and resentment out on myself or my children and husband. I never been to a doctor for my problems, I'm too scared. I never talk directly to someone and the few I've asked for help, have not helped, including here at Dr. Phil and even Oprah. I guess I don't deserve help or treatment for whatever is wrong with me. I've had my one and just run in with the law when I was 20 and so has my husband, but we've paid for our mistakes and deserve to be treated like everyone else, but we're not and is probally why they won't help. Who wants to help a felon, right? Plus, I'm on welfare, I don't have a car or money, my family and I live day by day and we get by. All my life I was treated like s*** so I'm use to it. I hated myself back then and I opened my heart up to easily and that led me to get hurt even more and also led me to slicing my wrist at the age of 18, but not bad enough to need sticthies. I used to think about killing myself and how I could do it, where I would have the bottle of pills in my hand or the razor, but I wasn't even strong enough to do that. I haven't had any thought of that for a very long time and am so thankful, but I know that I need help before it starts again. Do I have Bi-Polar? I don't know, but I really wish I could find out through a realiable source. I'm scared to talk to my doctor because one, they already look down upon me because I'm on medicaid and they don't don't really get down to the problem, they just try and mask it with medication. I told her that I've been feeling depressed and I've been having chest pain/heart palpatations and like I said instead of looking into it further she put me on medication, medication that hasn't helped me, like Wellbutrin XL, which is what my doctor put me on because she said that I have "anxiety" and it would help me lose weight, well it hasn't helped and she also put me on Metoprolol to help regulate my blood for my irregular heartbeat and that too hasn't helped and I still get heart palpations and I also get a rapid heartbeat sometimes as well. I feel like I'm going to die of a heart attack or stroke or something like that all the time and I'm scared to death and so worried. Please I'm a 28 year-old wife and mother of 3 young children and I don't want to be misdiognosed and have my children taken away from me or end up dying and leaving them without a mother. I'm soooooo scared, can someone please give me a word of advice on what I can do and some encouragement, I need it so bad. Please I'm crying out for help, but no one hears me. Patti.
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